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23-04-2022, 04:50 AM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,383
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sigh.
abusers calling him abusive
again
being gaslit
again
noone to turn to
who won't
fault
any complaints he might make
on his own behalf
again
well at least he never really
liked this one
to begin with
he thinks
he will continue
to put the kabosh
on his own plans
since everyone hates him so...
no point
in continuing to give things
to people
who don't want him
anyway
-------------------------------------
and just when he was having fun
with being born again.
But really, is it worth it?
Given how much
everyone hates him?
Is it worth it?
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23-04-2022, 06:00 AM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,383
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he's spent his whole life
dealing with her meanness
appealing to the others
doesn't work either;
they are just as mean.
and he doesn't like the storyline
if he just walks away from them all
so he guesses he doesn't have a choice;
he is done.
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23-04-2022, 11:04 PM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,383
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well
it turns out
he was just trying
to find
a nice way to die
seems like
that is all the rage
well god wasn't having
any of that...
so he guesses
he has to just
put up with abusers now
and try not to let them
railroad him
into acting in a way
he doesn't want to.
what a novel concept
'just say no'
------------------------------------
all this vacillation
is great
for meditation
though
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24-04-2022, 11:40 PM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,383
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he's always been skeptical
that things could work out
between him and a her.
any her, really.
He used to look
for the 'perfect' match
too
but he always knew
he wouldn't
actually get that
so he fought with himself...
now he is a little less
of a control freak
and it doesn't matter as much
about who
or when
but at the same time
he doesn't really
want to chase
around after
a her
any her
it just doesn't seem
all that entertaining
after
what he went through
with his twin..
so he guesses
he'll never be married
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25-04-2022, 11:34 PM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,383
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as he treated himself
to a sandwich
in a nice place
he knows
he reflected
'the restaurant is empty'
not even one other customer
he isn't sure
he has seen that
in recent times
and he sighed
this is so like his life
that he gets to eat alone
again
lol
well at least if he's
eating alone
he's not
inviting people
to use
the flower of tao
as a stick
to beat him with...
always with the silver linings...
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26-04-2022, 11:55 PM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,383
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his solar plexus
is starting to feel nice
yesterday
it was like trying to balance a ball
today is a little more mellow
he is just letting it feel tight
he's dreamed of this moment
for a very long time
almost like
looking through a haze
or is it really true
he's just using
the loa
some more
to create another aspect of the reality
that wouldn't otherwise exist?
It wouldn't be the first time!
(mischevious grin)
he guesses it doesn't really matter
he'll never know the truth anyway
and meanwhile
it just is what it is
his part in it included lol
----------------------------------------------
sitting still long enough
was an eye opener too
very good for the back
lol...
-----------------------------------------------
he doesn't just wait
for meditations to bring him things
he is very much into
stirring in
'the active ingredient'.
But sometimes just going
with what is happening
is good too
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27-04-2022, 12:17 AM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,383
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so
if
he would rather be female
why not just do the human thing
and be trans?
well honestly
he's tired and very tired
of running around trying to get
things he shoulda just had
only to have them
taken away
yet again
part of what he wants
nowadays
is not to be doing that
so he doesn't
not his problem that it means
he can't have
something else he wants
lol
-----------------------------------------------------
that is a good thing anyhow
as
he used to try to get the right body
so he could feel 'safe'
building the rest of his life
around
the 'right' physicality.
now he just wants to live
savvy?
-------------------------------------------------------
besides
society is very mean
to those who go trans
and the way you have to act
when you are one
and the people you have to relate to
just to feel the 'right' way about your body
- it isn't very nice either
in his opinion
so he wouldn't be doing himself any favors
just to have a favorable physical body
--------------------------------------------------------
besides
it has crossed his mind
that male bodies
are much easier to maintain
than female ones
so if he has to be alone anyway
why go to all that trouble?
Now he can just thrown on a shirt
comb his hair,
run a shaver across his face
prick his finger
eat a few medications
and in 10 minutes he's ready to go.
What could be better?
----------------------------------------
besides
he also heard a story once
about a cousin
who let a bird die in his garage.
At the time this guy
was apparently
chasing girls
and he could only imagine
the guy
wasn't paying attention
to his own needs
hence the death of the bird.
so....
the takeaway is...
male birds
don't have to act
the way 'people'
say is 'right' way
for males to act...
and maybe if they won't
live to the way the need to
a part of them dies
other species have
similar stories to tell...
lol.
-------------------------------------------
but it has also crossed his mind
he believes in miracles
and also believes he has a handle
on how to get
from point A
to point B
why not just shoot for
one of the obvious miracles
that has shown up in past times
(and some say even in the present)
shape-shifting.
Then he could just shape-shift
into being a girl???????
well,
he is tired of setting
long term goals
because
people always make it
so he can't attain them
anyway
and anyway he was serious
when he said
he just wanted life
messily in the here and now
not in some ideal future way
and he was serious
about not trying to get
the 'right' physicality
to be able to build something he wants
even if it means
he can't have his cake
and eat it too
one thing at a time
he guesses...
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27-04-2022, 01:06 AM
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Guide
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 573
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Quote:
Now he can just thrown on a shirt
comb his hair,
run a shaver across his face
prick his finger
eat a few medications
and in 10 minutes he's ready to go.
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Psst...don't forget your pants! lol
Just popping in to say hi. :)
I hope that one day you get to freely be whatever you want to be.
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27-04-2022, 03:40 PM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,383
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pants... i knew I was forgetting something
make that 11 minutes lol
I've sorta given up on trying to get other people to condone my decisions though. Which is sorta ok I guess...
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27-04-2022, 03:50 PM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,383
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well
he catches some things
like a remark
about 6th grade
that he caught immediately
but that he never answered
and misses others
like the constant references
to the blue girl's home city
he used to go careening around
like crazy
now he is trying to mellow out
-----------------------------------------------
he doesn't really
think about
revenge any more
true
it was very difficult
to get over
desiring to do it
even in little ways
he thinks
the only reason
he was able
is
that when he realized
how much he learned
when he just accepted
his own role
in the situations he didn't like
and that he would like retribution for
that he just felt
it was stupid
to go pretending
that the whole thing
'including his own hurt'
wasn't the best
for all concerned
just so he could get
an emotional high.
and now he doesn't find
even a revenge as simple as
saying 'goodbye'
really all that satisfying
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