Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

he sees people
wanting to AP
but not having much luck.

He doesn't much want to interfere
with their process
so he hasn't been pointing out

that probably
that is what Jesus was doing
when he prayed...

the whole 'many mansions' thing
seems to speak to that

the prayer posture
is very powerful
in a variety of ways
as well

which of course
is why God
made it so
those who don't like
trying to learn what is right
will pooh-pooh the whole idea
of bowing down to god
in favor of their own desire

after all
the best way
to keep someone
out of a place

is to let them buy the idea
that they don't wish to go there...
because then
they won't even try

no muss
no fuss
no need to go policing borders...

[FallingLeaves]

her latest round
of bait and switch
made him feel awful

like he didn't want to go on

sigh.

[winter light]

Constant doubt.
Another concern.
Am I the cause? I hope not.
Every effort seems to reverse.
And an apology seems terse
Stale offering compared with the love that was deserved in the first place.
So I sit beyond the ring.
Waiting for another moment.
Hoping for a change.

[FallingLeaves]

i don't doubt god.

as far as truth,
it doesn't seem to make anyone
want to be nice

so throw it out if you ask me.

as far as doubt
who wouldn't doubt,
when presented with the fact
that everyone doubts you?

and yet i don't don't doubt
as much as remember
how I've been treated in the past.

everyone knows
people won't change
if left to their own devices

so I'm left facing the fact
there will be more of the same.

And I'm never disappointed.

[FallingLeaves]

the good thing
about my little moments
is I get to remember reasons
to quit doing
whatever it is I'm doing
that doesn't sit well with a me

otherwise
I'd just blissfully
follow the path
others were laying out for me

even though it often hurts

[FallingLeaves]

tantrum is a word I was looking for
yesterday

you called it a 'having a fit'.

I like them
-----------------------------------------------
there are worse things
than
feeling horrible
all the time

people think celebs
have it good

really
to me

it is just another prison

with all that money
and all that fame
you get pretty stuff

and maybe a very nice life
in the way people consider things nice

but
your freedom of movement
is hampered
by all the people
who want a piece of you
and by the time you have to spend
keeping up the appearances
you've decided befit your station

and you may never even realize it,
since after all
you seem to be getting what you want

personally
I'm like
happy

just to be noone
and nowhere

and much happier
with the outer appearance
of depression
and negativity

than I ever would be
if people
decided I had something worthwhile
after all
and actually took me seriously...
--------------------------------------
he realized
long ago

asking to be 'rescued'
just wasn't going to do it
for him

not only
would it be
a kinda
hollow victory

it would be imposing
what he wants
on someone else...

besides
the attitude of the blue girl
has always been a bit much too
and does he really want to court that?

but both are equally bad at this
he guesses
so maybe they are made for each other
lol

anyway
he is ok
with things as they are
after all

and the blue girl
seems to be having fun
swimming around so...
things are best left undone.

----------------------------------------------
he believes in
actions
over words

but also is realistic enough to know
that any choice of words
is itself an action.

in the so called
real world
he knows enough
about what people consider valuable
to be able to
consistently get results

even though deep at heart
he is a piscean day-dreamer

the rules in spirituality
seem much different though
there seems to be a haze
between one and the results one wants
consisting of a mess of conflicting ideas
about which 'attitude'
is the best attitude to use
to get what one wants
and how to go about
creating that attitude
within oneself.

but that seems somewhat inaccurate, at the very best...

so he has always sensed
almost innately
that
to go the route
he's wanted to go
won't work
if he does as he is told others do.

and he's realized along the way
that life is a lot more complex
than if one could choose some
'one true attitude'
and run with it
forever

so he is forever having
to somehow find rules that actually work
at least in the context of his own life

and to some extent
feels like he has succeeded...
but...
at the same time...

the single most important rule he found
is
that if you seek to find rules you can always live by
to get to the goals you seek
your life will eventually turn into chains
and you will eventually become unhappy

including that one...

which is a good rule
as it gives him
just the excuse he needs
to just goof around...

So anyway
he goes down this road
of learning absolutely bunches of stuff
that has meaning only to him
seems to make sense only to him

and feels like
due to the fact
he didn't follow the
(to him) arbitrary
man-made rules
when trying to get it
if he shares
he is either going to be viewed as a pariah
and outed
or he is going to be taken seriously
and then stuck in the boat
with the celebs,

in his experience there is no middle ground
he is always in one of those two boats and
can't have a nicer existance than that

any more he prefers paraiah,
even though it causes a certain amount of angst.

because at least if people decide to agree
what one has
is somehow not valueable

they won't be moved
to come and try to steal it.
-------------------------------------------------
but anyway
he has so far glimpsed beauty
that can't be beat
by mansions
perfumes
and fine clothes

and he feels like
why be giving up
a pearl of great value
just to have
what others
say one
should want to have?

[FallingLeaves]

well he thought
he might as well
be plain about it

he's been studying
altered states of reality
within the physical realm
for a very long time

e.g. the kind of experiences that lead to
physical 'miracles' and such

it is the thing that keeps him sane
all the silver linings
associated with
people disliking him
seem to lead
in this one direction

different eastern traditions
have different views on that though...

this is officially verboten
by the way
most aren't allowed
to think they can
study that explicitly,
even though some eastern masters
make progress
in a totally incidental way...

and even if you do
have the desire
the path is so obscured
by the desire to be dealing with others
and be believing what others believe
and be limited by what others are limited by
that few make any progress...

so
anyway
in his estimation
he makes progress
in ways he can measure

just not in ways others would agree with
or approve of.
And they would not even agree
he is allowed to do this

Such is the seal around this topic.
The agreement of people
forming a wall to keep them out.

That is how all the seals work,
and how we are kept out of eden
and why people in this reality
are forever striving...

all because we care about our place
and want to be vain about it.

So he understands
if he wants to persist in this
it will always be a lonely quest.

But any more he is wondering,
if that isn't the way it should be?

in some ways
what he sees
seems so beautiful
in comparison to being in the 'in' crowd...

anyway right now he is like
if you think it an extraordinary thing
and can't come to think of it as being
as ordinary as breathing
you aren't getting anywhere much

before enlightenment
'chop wood carry water'
after enlightenment
'chop wood carry water'

But then again
he is at the point
where he can sense
there may be something compelling
beyond the glitz and glamour
of the simple parlour tricks
that seem to get esteem.

and maybe the eastern masters
are right in a way
after all
that the 'efficient' thing to do
is just ignore this aspect of reality
in favor of ascending to the heights...

On the other hand
he is having
lots of fun
so why ruin a good thing?
just to be efficient?
isn't just being alive enough?

and besides
with all the evil people
in high places
ascending may not be as possible
as they have us conned into believing
we can...

personally he has always thought
there is definitely a caste system
in spirituality...

many above
aren't saints
but instead very mean
with their demands
for what you have to do
what hoops you've got to jump through
to be accepted

and then beyond that
they make it impossible
to do the things they tell you to do
or jump through the hoops you've got to jump through
so you cannot be accepted

this is his experience

it can be frustrating.

But that is only what he thinks...
----------------------------------------
but he does realize
what comes next
after whatever it is
he is doing now
is open to interpretation
lies
skewed viewpoints
misrepresentations
self serving thought
etc...

and he himself
may not know
what it is he is talking about
either

because he simply isn't there at the end.

or should he say the beginning?
-------------------------------------------------------------
he knows that
if he were going to be efficient
he'd have to let himself
be logic'd into
just shutting up
to get efficiently
to the goal.

Fortunately he saw through
a lot of stuff
and will just enjoy himself
as much as he can
and then just live with the consequences.

being logic'd into slavery
doesn't seem so compelling any more.

Sometimes ya gotta take your lumps

Prevention of bad things is the pits...
-------------------------------------------------------------
he reflects
that
even this whole thing
about growing old and then dieing
only works
because people have agreed
to believe in it...
and they act on their belief
so when they grow old
they give up and die.

he reflects
you have to be careful with that law of attraction
it will take things away from you
as easily as it will be your friend.
---------------------------------
so now he'll see
what the punishment is
for being so forthright
about his position
he guesses.

[FallingLeaves]

placed next to a window
they keep bringing up that name
she is gone though...

it is really weird
not feeling compelled
to fall in love
with everyone met

he also thought it weird
that he didn't mind
honestly saying
something he liked

even though speaking thus
brought derision

[FallingLeaves]

lol

he has just finished choosing
a compassionate path
both for him and for them

which is simply
to let the find their own way
for them it lets them choose their own path
without him always meddling

and for him it helps in the quest
to not hurt his head

so he just finished deciding that
and lo and behold
immediately

someone yells at him for being
selfish
and discompassionate.

Such is his life...
at every turn...
there is always someone
to blame him
for doing things
he deliberately
chose not to do

sigh...

[FallingLeaves]

the night
her mom said
'go away
she doesn't want you'
was hard

he knew
if he went on
from there
he'd get called
'stalker'

perhaps even punished

even so
it was hard to do
what he knew he must do
stop
and listen
when she said 'no'.