Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

im not chasing you
again

I remember enough
of how bad it was
when you enticed me to do that

and I remember
how awful you made me feel
in this life time again.

So Im not chasing you again.

You said you didn't want me
and that is jsut the way it is.

[FallingLeaves]

sometimes
the smallest things hurt

someone who was talking to you
starts talking past you
making you feel gaslighted.

because the only thing that can happen
if you answer them
on those terms
is that someone else comes up to you
and kicks you in the face
for having done simply engaged.

Or someone you thought didn't notice you
walks up to you
but won't even say anything
so you can only assume
their thoughts steer toward disdain.

[FallingLeaves]

there was some discussion
somewhere
about it being more important
to be able to express oneself
the way one wants to

than to take care of those
who are unable to care for themselves
mentally and emotionally.

I know I'm not supposed to care
about things like this
anymore

it is none of my business
how people act

even if I don't agree

but still
I have to wonder
why it is
that
people can care
so much for themselves
and so little
for others.

and having been
the target
of such behaviors
myself
for many lifetimes
I fully understand
what noone else seems to

a lot of damage is being done.

but it is more important
to take care of sick puppies
than sick humans
is the thought of the many.

[FallingLeaves]

he's sorry
for ranting
here

but
he just really
wants to say

he's not going to put up
with his twin
any more.

He knows he can't have his own way
he knows a lot of things

but he also knows
what she does to him hurts
and he doesn't want any part of it.

[FallingLeaves]

he supposes
he hates being despised
and hated
and mistreated
all the time

he supposes
if it weren't
for all the silver linings
he would be in dire straights

but still
it is lonely
having noone to turn to.

[FallingLeaves]

so
nothing is ever
gonna get better

he's been harranged so many times
he came into this life
wanting to quit before he even started

there was jsut something in the air
and he knew what was coming from the start
he would be asked to do a lot
and everyone would be mean
all day long

it is so bad
he can't even deal in
something as pleasant
as the LOA

people are just to mean
all the time
for him to believe
they would let him do even that

they even called it
'wishful thinking'
when he tried.

just emotional abuse
any way they could be come up with it
and meanwhile
they get to proudly think
they are actually nice people.

[FallingLeaves]

he'd be mad
he supposes

but the price for that
is out of this world.

he is happier
in tears...

[FallingLeaves]

he's been through
some awful stuff
at the hands of others

And he's not sure they've cared
even once
beyond what they could get for themselves.

And once he knew
what his lot was going to be
he was like
I don't want to do this
not again
oh no - not again
I just wanna die

but they even denied him that.

so they gave
a promise
that it could somehow be better

a promise that has been echoed
many times now

a promise he had to realize
eventually
was but wishful thinking

a promise
he's come to realize
is but an empty form.

So he guesses
after all
this is but his own fault
for believing in the unbelievable

that they would actually give him something
for a change
rather than just the next scheduled mauling.

Sigh.

[FallingLeaves]

he also hates
being stuck in the dark
and his feeble attempts
to figure out what is going on
only evoking laughter

and he hates
that until recently
he couldn't even
voice his displeasure
about how bad
all this really is
because the meaness
that that behavior invokes
was just too much to bear

[FallingLeaves]

he's not sorry
about yesterday

he guesses though
it brought into focus
what he's always known
but been too afraid to look at -

some things aren't worth having.