Soul group questions

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

My husband too took a lot for granted of everything I did every day to make life easier for him and everyone. I have now thought if a relationship I have with someone in my life where I have to give 70% and the other the rest it is no relationship worth having. I think I will be happier without those 30%-only-givers.

Sorry to hear this, asearcher

It does sound though that you're emerging further into that energy space of both allowing and courage, your fire energy is on point

(btw sorry your inbox got full again)

Thank you Izz! I have fixed my inbox and replied to you : )

I trust karma in this. had he not complained the way he did, again and again.... had my narc parent not behaved the way it chose to behave towards me, I might as well still have gone around in my life and done my usual 70%.

I did not think about all the things I did. Same at work. Had not thought about it. When a situation came to at a work I was at the time they had to map everything so they could see and everyone was astonished at everything I did and was responsible for and how they had never heard a word of complaint from me. I did not know I was suppose to complain. I was on the move, I did my constant priorities, I did my best, and did not think too much of it. Nobody had complained to me, about me, or anyone else. But I was doing way too much apparently.

I think when you are dealing with displeased people they will always be that way no matter the outside situations, circumstances because it is not really that, those that are the problem, it is something within the displeased person. My husband was displeased for his own reasons. That had nothing to do with me, us even if he wanted at least some of that pinned on me. But just like any other he kept pointing things out, external reasons for this.

I realized too that my own energy gets lowered down when I was around him as that was the level he was at. I am someone who has learned since childhood to adjust my own level to others.

When he would hear or see me talk to someone else, could just be a female friend or someone at work he would say, envious, that I sounded so happy and bubbly and with a total different energy to me, than when I talked to him. But how did he talk to me?

I would in secret register through lets say an entire weekend how many good things he said verses negative things. Turns out it was way, way, way more major negative things. One day it was not one single positive thing. I would try to get him "up there" by me saying something positive, but he would not respond or he would say the opposite.

Where he came from in one way the level of which he had to perform, and try to mirror our home to his first home, was just plain ridiculous. There was no way we could do that or no way actually I would want to do that.

IMO he had to work on himself.

We do so many things without being aware of our own patterns. it is usually much easier to see other people's patterns as they are different from us, but somehow the next step of seeing our own is something we can't touch.

Today finally the situation/s are different. He's got it now. Little like he is a different man today that I am romantically involved with.

Before I put others before me and I did not even feel my own feelings at times and if i did out of quilt maybe I suppressed them. so there was a danger of that.

I had early on in my relationship with my husband adjusted myself, thinking of everyone else - including what was best for the narc in law, what was best even for my husband's ex, what was best... you get the drill. So I was doing all that for so long, but what did I get in return? Negativity, complaints,...

You know what? They were lucky to have me for as long as they did, but they did not appreciate that. I can't say I saw either of them (I am leaving my husband's ex though out of this) appreciating how much consideration I took to them all, they were not working with me. I

f people are not working with you and spit in your face when you have been nothing but kind to them it is time to reevaluate if you should keep these people in your life or not.

What has worked is that when I was no longer the old me, they no longer could have me as a punching bag.

I also took back all their priorities, all the benefits I had given them. No more.

I was not vulnerable to them anymore. I did not care what they thought. Had they cared what I had thought? No. Can't say they had.

The narc parent has complained hardly see its grandchild/ren. That is a consequence. When they did have it all they did not put the proper value on it, and so they shall not have it no more.

I know for sure if and when the day comes that I become a grandparent how I will treat my child's partner. It won't be how I have been treated.

When you do bad things to other people in time you will pay. Universal law. Karma.

They counted that they could continue to treat me this way and that I would continue to be submissive but that is also not now mother-instinct is.

Mother instinct is very powerful. It is something a narc parent can not understand as it does not love its children that way. But i do . I love that way. Most do I like to think. So before if I did not stand up for myself, if I had not enough self respect of myself to do that, I knew if I was to protect a child I better do that.
I have said and I mean it that if me and my husband split up that I will take it before the court that he comes from a narc family and how a child has been treated by the narc which goes under mental abuse and tactis and that I will not permit this. A child can too tell the truth. My husband can't hide, he too knows. other family member knows.

the narc parent has said if there is this split that it wont' see or hardly get to see it's grandchild no more. And all I have to say about that is That is correct.

All this time the narc parent has played it out as if it is superior to me. It ain't . It has no right. it only has the right i have given it to them because of our culture because of my wish that a child will feel loved by its grandparents and surrounded and the generations coming together. that was my dream. turned out that was a nightmare. they were not on this boat with me. no way.

had i been treated fairly. had a child been treated fairly the situation would not have looked like it does today.

My husband has been angry and said he nearly lost me, us because of this.I have told him be happy you woke up. you woke up when it was almost too late. Let's appreciate that. Lets' appreciate our present and our future, away from all that. we have come out of the dark woods now and this new path we are on looks pretty great to me :)