relationship or single

michaelj1981 · #1 06-05-2013, 04:03 AM

When it comes to relationships my track record is odd. When I'm single I'm happy when I have needs I get them met; but I tend to focas more on my spiritual side which brings me joy and happy. Then when I'm in a relationship I focas more on the relationship then I do on my spiritual side I'm not so truely happy about that. But being single I miss the having someone physically loving u creating a life together. I cant seem to balance that out. The other is trust issues; insecure ; feeling not important enough etc. Vs when I'm single and spiritual focas I feel no trust no insecure. Can or does anyone have ideas or suggestion

astralsuzy · #2 06-05-2013, 09:09 AM

I am unable to offer you advice that you would like to hear. I cannot think of anything. I do know that life is not meant to be perfect. I have been in situations like you but that is how life is. We cannot have it both ways.

#3 06-05-2013, 01:49 PM

It has been difficult for me to find balance of focus when in relationships in the past as well. They almost always totally consume me. It isn't just internally in my own mind and emotions but the men I've allowed the chance to get close to me are clingy arrogant psychos that aggressively try to possess me as their woman before giving me time and reasons for me wanting to possess them as my man. I think it's the whole "possession" part is where the issues lies. But it's also a trust thing. When he wants to know where I am and what I'm doing all day it starts to rub off on me a bit. I've been determined to work on that side of myself since my last relationship.

I also have the same sentiments you feel when single. More focused on self/spirituality/goals and no feelings of insecurity. After a relationship I'll go a long while not just being single but loving it.

Lately, during this round of single life I can feel the grip on my freedom/independence tightening. Like it is getting more difficult for me to get into the mode of even wanting to be in a relationship. Like I almost feel sorry for people who are in relationships. Like it crosses my mind that as young girls we have all been fed false hope because the world is not full of princes. You call it a husband, more often than not I'm seeing it as a headache. People who want to ask me why I'm single I almost want to say to them that it just sounded like you asked me "Why don't you have a headache?" as if I SHOULD have one.

Eh, that's how I feel today anyway.

I feel like I've learned my lesson from past choices. If I do get into another relationship there will have to be a good balance of space and trust. He will respect my need to establish a good friendship first and have patience for me to decide. He will feel like an addition to my life, not an interruption or nuisance distraction.

7luminaries · #4 06-05-2013, 07:01 PM

I don't care either way. I welcome friends in my life who respect me and who can truly love and accept me as I am. If I can find someone who is willing, able, and desires to take me as I am and love and respect me as an equal, and above all to be my friend as well as (one day perhaps) my partner, then yes, I am open to a relationship. But not on lesser terms. It's just not appealing and holds no draw.

It all comes down to whether or not we as both individuals and as a society largely decide to work for what is authentic and requires our time and engagement, or to settle for what is fast, easy, and artificial. If there are not enough of us at this time who require authenticity and true partnership and respect, then many of us we will be alone at any given time. By choice

I just broke off with someone who wanted to marry but didn't understand what true partnership and respect mean. They mean kindness and tolerance and compassion, not ownership and criticism and arrogance. *sigh*. These belong to the dustbin of history and we can't get there fast enough in my book.

There is no substitute for authentic love and connection, and it's rather sad and pathetic that so many think that casual sex is good enough, since they dont' care to make the effort to be real and connect more deeply. What's even sadder is when others give in to demands for casual sex in lieu of an authentic connection, simply because it's much more difficult to find. It's like a steady diet of junk food and electroshock therapy, LOL...I'll pass!!! and be content with friends who do honestly love and respect me for more than just my body and my company

I don't rule out a relationship, but frankly, as we evolve as people (and hopefully as a species), it's not the time and place to be intimate unless there is some form of truly committed love. Intimacy isn't just something you throw out on the table for someone else to play with when they feel like it and then grow bored of it like a spoiled toddler and their latest toy, LOL.

I think many of us realise (or need to haha) that if we want to partake of the joy, we have to be the joy. An by that I don't mean "free sex" LOL....
Love is free, yes, and authentic love is joyful and sweet, but even it may not always rise to the level of intimacy. Whilst IMO intimacy of the physical variety is to be shared with one other only within an authentic loving and (in some fashion) committed context.
For certain, if our hearts and souls are not committed to loving and being intimate with the other person, then why would we go there?

Intimacy is not to be freely given and also then freely discarded, like trash, or like a piece of food to consume in hunger and excrete at leisure...
But freely given within a space of real love and trust, within the circle of belonging. Otherwise it is just an urge, like hunger and excretion...and we have then robbed it of the humanity and the divinity that we should be bringing to it.

Seriously. For that, for the need for touch or release or whatever it is, we can each take care of our own needs...and IMO for this, we should take care of our own needs and keep it to ourselves.
For more than that, for love and intimacy, IMO we cannot treat another soul so callously and meaninglessly. By doing so, we degrade ourselves as well as them. We rob both ourselves and the other of the sanctity our bodies and our hearts and souls require and deserve.

Peace & blessings,
7L

michaelj1981 · #5 06-05-2013, 07:49 PM

Thank you all for your advice :) glad i had some good time to read :) The issue started i think a couple relationships ago when i was dating someone who broke up with me cuz "i wasn't good enough for there family and friends and was ashamed of what i did for aliving. Working in food . The second time was when i started seen this person and we or thought we had a connection only to find out when i went away for 3 days they went MIA stop talking texting responding to calls , till i called from another number only for them to answer. Those two relationships i think did a good number on me on trust, as well as insecurities as well. Trying to find what the real issue is really

HalfGirl · #6 08-05-2013, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by michaelj1981

Then when I'm in a relationship I focas more on the relationship then I do on my spiritual side I'm not so truely happy about that. But being single I miss the having someone physically loving u creating a life together. I cant seem to balance that out. The other is trust issues; insecure ; feeling not important enough etc. Vs when I'm single and spiritual focas I feel no trust no insecure.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RisenPhoenix

I also have the same sentiments you feel when single. More focused on self/spirituality/goals and no feelings of insecurity. After a relationship I'll go a long while not just being single but loving it.

Lately, during this round of single life I can feel the grip on my freedom/independence tightening. Like it is getting more difficult for me to get into the mode of even wanting to be in a relationship.

I feel like I've learned my lesson from past choices. If I do get into another relationship there will have to be a good balance of space and trust. He will respect my need to establish a good friendship first and have patience for me to decide. He will feel like an addition to my life, not an interruption or nuisance distraction.

michaelj1981 and RisenPhoenix, I recognize a lot of the sentiments you describe. I am single again since fall 2011 and I still don’t want to be in a relationship right now.

When I am in a relationship, I don’t seem to respect my own needs. It’s almost as if I feel that I am not important or good enough. As if my partner is more important and knows things better. I find it difficult to express my wishes and sort of “expect” my partner to be able to read my mind.

Now that I am single, I visit/go out with friends. I do things for myself and I go on vacation. I love planning my trips here and there. I feel self-confident when I am on my own and I actually feel better alone than when I am in a relationship. There is also a lot of self-reflection. I am currently taking a sabbatical leave. I resigned from my stressful job last summer. This winter, I have spent a lot of time thinking about my past relationships and what went wrong.

When in a relationship, I need to learn to communicate better. I must say that I have always felt the energy/vibes of my partners and always knew when something was bothering them and knew what to do to make them feel better. I did not see that as anything special because I was always like this and never understood why my partners did not do the same for me.

But I guess my empathic skills are a gift and it is something special and I can’t expect the same from a partner. I only started to realize this when I became good friends with a long time acquaintance of mine last year. Talking to him is very easy. I only have to say half a word and he knows what I am saying. For example I will write him an e-mail about something and he’ll send a reply as if we skipped a few e-mails in between. There is no need to explain everything or to tell everything, because he simply knows what I am talking about. This is what I have always been looking for but never found with my partners.

In between relationships I always need time for myself. To learn, to reflect, to grow. I could not jump from one relationship into another. I took me 3 years after my first long term relationship broke off, to start dating again. Also now, I do not feel ready for dating again.

Like RisenPhoenix says, I also don’t know whether I want to be in a relationship at all. For sure I need my space and my time alone. I do miss the physical part of a relationship though, not necessarily sex, but the hugging, cuddling, and kissing. I miss the smell of someone you love. I miss looking into someone’s eyes and seeing all that love for you. But there are also the headaches when in a relationship, so for the moment, I simply enjoy my single life and just accept that nothing is perfect.