Am I bad and don't know it?

I have fallen in love only few times in my life. When I have been in a relationship I have given it my best shot, my all. My first love was seen as a bad boy by most, but we had a relationship in harmony for a long time. We even managed to have a kind of friendship some time after the break up, something I did not think would be possible before. I know he had his demons to battle, but I also know he was good at heart . I have tons of good memories from this relationship. I can still remember the warmth. I can still miss him as a friend. Somewhere down the line I had fallen out of love with him and did not fall back in, but it did not mean I had no respect for him and our history together.

I was to later exist in a relationship with someone labeled a psychopath. I don't know if the term was used more back then or not. I knew something was wrong, but it was not until I saw a psychiatrist that the term came as to describe his behavoir. I have lots of blanks from this relationship.

The third love was by own account feeling compared to me he was more cold, indifferent to other people, but a need for control which increased as we under the surface battled with issues alongside happiness. His need for control has been the sad result after having once been a child exposed to narcissism. It would get triggered when facing stress. He did not feel we had too much problems, while I felt as if we were drowning. I've loved him very much and been proud of what kind of dad he is and all his other good qualities that are just as true as the ones I look at as defects.

I have to wonder why my chemistry has mixed so well for us to have fallen in love when the guys has happened to have been on a ladder of dark personality traits like narcissist, psychopaths. A returning subject in one form or the other. What is it about me that find that appealing exactly? It make no sense.

Another embarrasing fact is that jealousy has existed in all three relationships over nothing. I got used to "hearings" over and over and tried to limit any chance of awokening jealousy. Even the psychopath who only "loved" me on the surface managed to be easily jealous of me right from the start for no reason.

God, it is not as if the guy had to have a diagnose just because fallen out of love with me. Now reading it it kind of strange I presented it that way, LOL. I also have to remind myself that I am "overly empathic" and sensitive so I would have noticed these trades perhaps more so than someone not like that, but still I have managed to fall in love with them, never the less.

I just wonder what the "bad energy" or defect in them is reflecting in me as well? It has to be in me as well, no?

Has anyone else wondered why they have fallen the way they have, what it is in the romantic chemistry anyhow that does this?

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by asearcher

I have to wonder why my chemistry has mixed so well for us to have fallen in love when the guys has happened to have been on a ladder of dark personality traits like narcissist, psychopaths. A returning subject in one form or the other. What is it about me that find that appealing exactly? It make no sense.

I don't want to make any presumptions about your family background, but it is quite common for adults to be in relationships with people who have similar characteristics to their parents. So are there any similarities between these men you are drawn to and your own father?

The psychological reasons are straightforward. If we have unresolved childhood issues with our own parents then we find ourselves in relationships with people who will push those same buttons and make us more aware of these issues on a conscious level.

When we can resolve these issues we are free to find love with someone who is genuinely suited to us. If we cannot resolve these issues in one relationship then they will probably repeat in later relationships.

Just a possible perspective.

Peace

[RedEmbers]

Yeah, there is no defect IMO.

Learn about attachment styles, possibly SCHEMA therapy as well.
The majority of negative energy on this planet is mostly caused by relational trauma. Trauma can be anything which causes an internal, self - protective split.

How can you be bad? You're you and that's all that counts. If you try to live up to your highest principles that can never be bad. Doesn't matter if you make a few slip-ups at times, as long as you recognise you've done so.

[lostsoul13]

We attract attractors but sometimes that attraction isn’t something to get excited about... I only know of my twin...but things at times aren’t great...it’s secluded and loneliness suffers when my twin can’t manifest..but we are also alone on this journey.. to get everything it seems it’s quite too much to ask for...dream home, dream relationship, dream holidays, dream real-estate...owning and maintaining your own map..the goals seems to incline..and amount up..and rather emotional connections with all..it can seem like it will never happen..I’ve had attractors and things won’t gel than my twin (mistakes have been almost made) the positions that you can gain are deep independence and a fractional living... where-by here is best when it’s all me me me, at least while people focus on other issues like transport within the immediate self.. you can really thrive , so when I’m alone in my journey I’m really narcissistic- selfishly I’m about the init...and everything is an expense and I’m willing to pay for it.. the cost of living is minimal, it takes me less than 3mounths to save up for designers... it’s a designer live and living.. attractors with partners are also the same (they are designers, I wasn’t sure of meeting someone on a shared map but it happens all the time...I’ve only ever known my flame....so meeting someone isn’t really a choice, my avartar expresses that opinion as well... being slightly to the mix race , it was a choice of being comfortably with Afro hair and dark skin while I was sleeping ...this choice meant I was limiting my appeal with white people being a white male wanting a larger choice with being darker and taller...I still have too perfect my avartar...but with such amount of time being alone this is the only time I get to perfect that...I can travel well (with jumping back home from abroad to the uk) I’d like time to respect that and work on jumping further...I’d develop these tendencies of narcissism behaviour...

idoling the self, self centred, really trying to love my self...knowing that healthy relationships are with my twin flame are making recovery’s and progressing...I’m thankful but my true self believes that meeting someone here is quite a dream like my dream of being a jumper...both are available but are both are swooning... the distance between meeting some one makes me believe there’s some type of karmic, soul mate relationship available...just like the karmic ties of the account jumping...where we all have a mode of transportation but there seems to be delays...

there seems to be delays with a relationships that start here like relocation...in the future... it’s like a modern exchange here -with meeting people and them being at the atomic self..that we would find behaving of narcissism underlying because of the local exchange...people only meet at exchanges for a couple of purposes...the indeception being a no one cause -progressives are rash...the dream is strong with two people meeting at an exchange...progressing further is a cause for a break up because they can’t navigate to ownership of own map and land...and one can follow them there... it’s a mutual exchange for an a deception..

What I’m trying to say a place like here that has a lot of business with people migrating and on a journey: it’s a place to show off.. you wouldn’t get a bigger map thank here and on the one it’s situated on (you won’t find a better places or deceptions -that are beach pleasing , paradise) it’s hourglass is so flexible when it comes to kicking out our transport(I mean airplanes flying in the air are a bit temperamental idolising magic than pure physics...
people are here to show off and have a good time..there’s loads you can get stuck in with..and plenty of reincarnation..jet lagged and reincarnated...I’m jumping in the corner...and I know the account will progress with time..mark my words I’ll be posting when I’m fluent at jumping..the world is your oyster to travel then and meet people in a safe way.. until then it’s an adventure with incarcerations... stop the ride... people are here in a deceptively way, it won’t be until, a few rounds of reincarnation that things will be happing...sophisticated meets jumpers...fast cars, big houses, perfect city’s, great women and men and my twin also is here to get stuck in..but at the end of the party’s one has to leave never land and go back home..you can really get stuck in but narcissism is a number one rule...be prepared to be meeting it often while atómica are showing off avartars and inheritance...

Finally till it becomes gta..we will be productive in our own matter... until, we can afford our own..

Hi! Thank you all very much.

Yes, my parents split when I was young, I lost immidiate contact with my biological father. He may have been left by my mom, but he left me. BEfore I had been daddy's girl.

The split was real bitter and I was too young to remember or know or been told at the time.

I always held it against him that he gave up on me just like that. I would have expected more from him.

I think during their unhappiness together my mom although wanting to did not have enough energy to be an attentive mom. I just have glimpses of that. It wasn't that she did not care. But she was just very much inside of herself. She was there - but she wasn't. My dad, however, he was there 100% - attentive, loving, protective - all of it. But of course he was the one who had made my mom unhappy in the first place and even if he suffered because of it I don't think he suffered like she did. And then she got out.

He returned to my life on my initiative. I never thought I got a real answer to why he had given me up completely those years of us apart. I remember that at the time that we met as I was older that to me it would have been alright to just see him that one time. I thought he must be real busy not to have had time for me before. Not even to send me a "Happy birthday" card on my birthday. It is clear to me now that I still loved him and I still remembered him but too that I did not understand his actions and did not know if I could trust him to stay. He tried to show me that he would from that moment on always be around and he was, but I believe we were not as close as we would have been if he had really showed me - I ain't going nowhere and just because your mom and I split, I'm still your dad and I'm always here for you.

When I was a child they said I was independent and stubborn and could have a temper that rarely showed, but for most part being in harmony, fun loving. I felt safe in the world with other people. If I was lost or separated from my family I did not react in a negative way but simply carried on as if nothing was wrong. I'm still relaxed that way. I generally feel safe with other people around, strangers. I feel the good in them.

I remember the silent hurt of seeing other friends my age with their father in their lives. Nobody explained to me why my dad was not in the picture anymore. I knew he was alive but he was a forbidden topic. When angry at times my mom would say "You are just like your father!" and look at me with disgust.

I have not thought of that before, but now I think I get it. She gave me the image that my dad was "bad", and that I was like him "bad", but I did not know what it was about me, still, that was "bad". Only that it was "something". Something I could not run away from. It just was.

I knew that my mom had been the one to leave my dad. That must have meant that when she would say that about me - that I as a child could have thought God, that means she can leave me too! Then who will look out for me then? My dad's not around. Who? Who's gonna take me in when not even my own parents will?

My mom would do something while I was growing up which was that she would give me the silence treatment, this could last up to even 1-2 days. One time I think it was a week of that. I would try to talk to her and she would just ignore me. As a mom myself I can't imagine doing that myself. I would go around with constant stomach aiche during the silence treatment but learned to endure. Her not talking to me did not copy or was used by someone else, they would continue to treat me like normal.

They have later brought up the subject themselves that they remember this and thought it was so awful of her to do that. And that I was the only one she did that too. But too looking at pictures from childhood I stand out a bit like - how do I say it? Like a tomboy? Like you mess with I'll mess with you. That kind of look. The male brothes relatives look protective and more sensitive compared to me. I remember they would carry me on their shoulders. Somewhere down the line I guess I forgot that even if I was sensitive it did not mean I was weak, that I was still strong if, when I wanted to be.

Looking at it as an adult I can guess that she found me "too strong" in my own ways and not that easy to dominate. She would say I could fool a lot of people because I was soft on the outside but that "she knows what she wants".

It was only after I met my dad again that he began calling me by an old nickname he had given me from when iwas a child. It is a kind of way of saying in a sweet way I was a mischivious child, but it had a good vibe to it. So he made it into something positive. All that time before I thought I had been "bad".

One has to be careful with kids. They make up their own reality and they don't talk about things that are perhaps so very important. To me it was just a fact. "I am not good enough". If I had been good enough - my dad would not have left me. I thought they are not saying that because they knew it would hurt me to know this truth and so they are too good to say it - but that is what it is about. I'm just a dissapointment really. Not good enough. Someone like him - expected to have a more "pretty" daughter. I think I was stuck on this what is pretty and what is not. One thing I have noticed grown ups do is to say that little girls are "so pretty" and the dresses are "so pretty", so the way I looked at it - I could not have been pretty enough. Made perfect sense! I got it! My dad never said I was pretty or not pretty so I had no way of knowing. He was all for saying of my achivements and what I was good at or just to hug me.

My first family's home was not one-child-home, but overalls we were more than one, and the siblings who had a different father was not told the same by my mom that "you are just like your dad!". So I stood out in some way.

However, I was lucky that there were other male figures in my life that - and especially one in mind - replaced a kind of father role, did much more than what was expected.

I have blanks from the relationship with the psychopath but do remember he would ignore me the same way at home, with the silence treatment, and it caused that same stomach aiche and a feeling of insecurity and tension. As it had been with my mom, I would try to talk to him in a gentle way but not or hardly get a responce. He would too, I can remember he would say "I think it's best you go now" so I would end up leaving the home in only the clothes I wore and he would call me like 1-2 days after, as if nothing. I would not scream or make a scene, but be like "Ok". I remember in the home I could ask him "Do you want me to go?" in a gentle way. He would continue to dictate the terms of the relationship. It was such that I did not dare to take anything else with me, beside the clothes on my body, as he would not allow me too. He later acted as if he was to continue dictate the terms of the relationship and had a kind of surprised look on his face it wasn't working no more. He had asked me to stay away and I did and when he wanted me back - I did not. I just needed that little air so I could get stronger and get away, and he gave me that ticket without perhaps knowing it. perhaps he thought he was so good at this mental abuse that I would not be strong enough when he would try to win me back. It was such a close call but I made it.

That was when he made it difficult, not wanting it to be over, not wanting to allow me to get my own clothes back etc. All of that disgraceful treatment, to humilate someone like that does not happen over night. It comes gradually. It is mixed in with the good. You get confused. You get weaker and weaker. You don't even trust your own judgement anymore. Then when it is at it's worst you know you better listen to your self and your truth and find that voice within - or you are going to die (mentally). As time passes by and the more you listen to yourself you get stronger and stronger.

If I put aside that my mom loved giving me the silence treatment she was actually someone who gave other signs she loved me and would be dominant and protective. I would break "free" and rebel early age and I remember wanting my own place and making my own money. Around then we formed a kind of sister bond. My mom was not in her own way ever letting me go, she was in a way as if she saw me as her best friend too.

Guess what my mom did AFTER my dad died? And he died early in my life. She then said that he had asked, begged her to give him custody of me when they split. That she had moved where he could not find us at first. But why stop looking? I would never stop looking for my child. They would have to kill me first. I would never let go.

I remember one time overhearing them - think I was in my teenage years then - and my dad saying to her that to just please let me stay with him more and that he would still pay her the same. And that instead of turning me over to relatives and friends to watch me like she did that he always wanted too, but she kept doing that. Was she after punishing him for what ever he had done to her when they had been a couple? I think so.

I can also say that it was not popular by all that me and my dad got in contact again. I was viewed with a strange kind of looks. Dislike. Envy. Silence.

When my dad was dying at the hospital and I rushed in staff found me right away and said it had to be me, how he had described my looks. Turned out his last words were "I have a daughter" ...and my name and all and a description of my looks. It was not liked that the last words he spoke was about me.

My dad once told my mom that he thought "all those people - they all want something from me. The only one who doesn't is my daughter. She is the only one who loves me for me".

If, when I was attracted to someone I would according to them become very shy. Not at all the "buddy" who was used to being friends with brother's friends, comfy around guys. It is really no wonder I have always been comfy around guys. We all have our different types that we can find attractive and to me it is not just a gender. I mean if it was only a gender - what would the world look like? To me it is so very rare that I find that attraction and when, if I do - I get shy and passive and can barely stand myself. But because I have perhaps been this way somehow the loves in my life have thought something they shouldn't be thinking about me. I've never cheated. I've never flirted with someone else. If I am in a relationship I am in a relationship. If I wanna do that - then I am not in a relationship.

My tomboy looks got lost along the way. During my first relationship something apparently happened with my body, my looks without me paying too much attention. They would tell my boyfriend that wow she is so pretty now (compared to before) and I remember his somewhat surprise and him saying "She has always been pretty" that was how he had always seen me. This was a conversation they did not think I was leaning into. I think I always felt then that my first boyfriend loved me for me. Loved me before my looks had changed apparently for the better according to some.

I remember one time as we were to go on a party and he said about us "the beauty and the beast" (him being the beast). And I just said "No!", So sad he thought that of himself.

Later when I was to become involved with the psychopath I would hear that remark that oh, if I had stayed looking like I did before - not been interested. I would say that that is me just as much as this is - what ever it is you see now. It just felt as if the guy loved the surface and thought that was a social status thing of some sort. I got insulted by it. Mad at it. Is that how he viewed the world and people in it?

In the latest relationship the guy "control freak", has always had opinions about my looks, clothes, haircut, shoes, weight...the list goes on and on. He would get calm and in harmony if I followed his instructions. As if doing it his way would prove my love to him. That it too would make me think he sees me as some 5 year old who can't dress herself with enough sense in the head was a side effect he may not have considered. The more someone tries to "hold" you, you want to break free. You have got to have your own individuality.

I think any healthy relationship is about mutual respect and that include healthy boundries.

I have felt in all 3 relationships that its been a struggle over power. That I really resent it when the partner has tried to push me down just enough to keep me there, and the only crime I have become guilty of is them then using my love against them, and for that I have to sacrifise a piece of my dignity. THey want me to feel, to suffer, to be insecure to be with them? How is that love? I don't like games like that.

God, this turned out to be worse than some book, LOL.

It is very interesting and spot on too I think with the attachment styles, wow.

Thank you

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by asearcher

I knew that my mom had been the one to leave my dad. ... I as a child could have thought God, that means she can leave me too! Then who will look out for me then? My dad's not around. Who? Who's gonna take me in when not even my own parents will?

That's quite a story - thank you for sharing.

As children we look to our parents for everything. They provide the roof over our heads, the food we need, emotional comfort, and so on. The prospect of being abandoned is scary because we don't know who will take care of us. And we feel that our mother doesn't love us or our father doesn't love us, and it is all our fault because we are somehow unlovable.

And if we are scared that our parents will abandon us then children usually internalise the blame. It is not our parents at fault, it is us. There is something wrong with us, we are not good enough, because if we were good enough then our parents would never leave us.

So it leaves us feeling insecure and unworthy. Children seem to react in two ways. They may become angry and rebellious to cover up the inner fear and pain. Or they try to become the good child, always doing what they are told, always wanting to please, because if they can be good then their mother or father will love them and not leave. Again, this hides a lot of pain and fear.

And all this comes to the surface in our adult lives and relationships. And the person we are in relationship with is also dealing with whatever happened in their childhood. No wonder relationships can be such a minefield.

The first step to healing all these issues is becoming conscious of them. As long as they fester below the surface then we find ourselves driven by these subconscious impulses without knowing why. When we can bring all the pain and fear into conscious awareness then we can release it, and we become lighter in ourselves.

It is not an easy journey, but it is an interesting part of being human.

Peace

Thank you for your wisdom, Iamthat.

I remember that when me and my dad met up again that he had expressed to my mom his surprise of how well raised and polite I was. I was always before seen as a sweetheart (I think this has to do with me seeing the good in people and so my eyes look at them like that) but too strong minded.

I would have headaches and feel nausea each time my dad made appointments to see me which he wanted on regular basis, no exception and wanted it increased. I was too young to find the language I needed to tell them why and I would even be in denial about feeling this way.

I do remember feeling that I had to be extra polite and nice, but inside of me I was boiling with anger, but still that insecure part of me had won - as I kept being polite.

Then somewhere in my teenage years - it all erupted. I felt then he only knew the fake me. Hell, he did not even know me at all, I declared. I was angry with him. I demanded answers. And as before I did not get them. I got so angry with him that I said I could not see him no more and I cut off contact. He managed to linger on. I remember my mom telling him on the phone that there was nothing she could do, that I did not want to talk to him. He would then carefully start writing letters and leave things, presents. And eventually I was in contact with him again.I think then I felt better in a way than I had before, more true. Til this day I have to remind myself not to be overly polite, but it still comes very easy for me to say Oh I'm sorry without thinking twice. Like am I really sorry? Is it possible it isn't my fault?

I think a mistake I made with my dad and later on my first boyfriend was that I felt that they both had left me without an explaination. And how I needed that explaination. With the then boyfriend I forgot that he could never rewrite the past, his mistake, and what he would try to make a mends was seen by me as games. There was a time after the break up he changed. He got to be a stalker. He got to be confused. He began to drink again. I will never know if I was the one who pushed him to drink or if he had plans to go back to drinking and that this was why he needed and I swear it was the first time ever in the long term relationship we had - to just push me down (not physically) just a few steps, so that I would then not be strong enough and allow him to start drinking again. I was not doing so good myself.

It is now believed that I got depression after the break up and went without treatment or knowing. I thought it was heartbreak.

I was surprised at the feelings being there still - as in knowing he had a problem with drinking - and knowing it was a forbidden topic. That too if I said anything he or his family would get mad at me if I said it to others and/or his job would be in jeapardy. He had previously stopped drinking on his own, dangerous, after I had told him too and I think it was months and months or so after the break up came, not quite sure. I remember there was NO support from others to get us back together. That could have played a part.

He was always buys in one way to be a gentleman around me, and in another he could never say he was sorry. I was taking for granted that he remembered - word by word like I did (as I had gone through it about a million times before in my head) what was said, what had happened, to then him having caused the break up. But he was giving me the same silence about it just as my dad had done. It was not until years later when I met him and remarked that he still had this ugly looking scar (from having burned himself by accident which had happened just prior to the break up. I remember putting cold water and bandage on it. He was then talking to me in a normal way. At one point we were making dinner and he reached out and gave me a kiss on the side of my head. I think I was chopping up vegetables at the time and I did not even look up, but I felt his warmth. That would have been a strange gesture from someone trying to get out of an upcoming wedding planning, but later in my own mixed up head I thought My God, that was his kiss goodbye and I broke down in tears.

I had NO knowledge that the abstinence from drinking could create a form of brain damage so that he could not remember. Adding the stress of the upcoming conversation and before I knew it - it was too late. I think our wedding was in fact sacred to me. I would play it cool but I think it was significant to me. That I could now leave my parents ugly split behind and that this would be a new chapter. He was not drinking no more. We would get married. Even if I was as young as I was I had no fear. People would go - oh, are you engaged?! Isn't that too young, like do you know what you are doing. I knew what I was doing. I had no fear. I had no fear of our wedding. If guests would be there or not. I just thought what ever it will be - it will be ours, and if they don't like the arrangemtns we have made then don't come. I don't care.

I was not even thinking about the danger of it being alcohol there or that the guests, especially on his side, no offense, would take it as an insult or think it was weird, or that this would be very louring for him, a test of all tests, and one he might be afraid he would fail. The drinking part was so bad that I felt as if I was on one side- forbidding him if he wanted a future with me (I was so nervous to make that demand but I could not stand seeing him hurt himself, his body like this knowing it would just get worse) - and on another there were actually people from his side that were irritated that I was getting "too strong" and I was ruling him, that I made it into a problem the way he drank when it really wasn't... that type of thing. Struggle over power. It all culminated in that conversation. I bet he was sick too of having been told by others I ruled over him. It was time for me to pay (emotionally, he never laid a hand on me ever).

To me it just got so strong - that this boyfriend did not stand a chance. To me it was happening all over again. First i was left by my dad. Then my boyfriend. And my boyfriend was not "just" my boyfriend, he was family to me.

I had to have some sort of weakness, vulnerability, some battle within for it to be possible for the psychopath to then enter . I think if I had met him before I would just go "Get lost". And I would keep in mind my gut instinct.

So back with the ugly scar - he said he had woken up with it (the night after the break up) and had meant to ask me about it (how it had gotten there, what had happened, at the same time I dont know if he went out drinking after our break up. When I think back at how vulnerable he must have felt. I was no longer sleeping by his side. He had that burning scar he had no idea how it got there. He was locating me and I remember me just screaming at him - and him starting to scream back. If I had thought he would return with sad looking eyes to give me an apology - I was wrong. He couldnt' apologize. I don't know why. And I was someone who would apologize all the time. It is kind of strange given that he was a gentleman, even the most polite drunk gentleman I have ever known. I don't know how he did it.

Those years later when we tried to talk about it (starting with me again, stubborn as I am asking him) he said he did not remember the break up, but "I would never do that to you". And I thought what is this? I still did not believe he did not remember. And what, was I a liyer then, I had just made the whole thing up? And again he would not apologize to me, but he was still all for dating me again. We were even on a date as we had this conversation. And I was a mess and said that I couldn't do it. Just couldn't. I did not dare to ask about his drinking ways then. What I do remember is that he looked and acted sober and just all together when I was seeing him during that period. He was also driving. I think he was sober. Years later he called me, when doing rehab - to give me an apology and I thought that was over his drinking. I was in a rush and just happy he got help and took good care of himself. I saw him as a friend then. I took no minute to reflect that maybe he saw him breaking up with me that one time as a result from his drinking. After that phone call he again right after tried to phone. Perhaps he thought he did not quite get through to me, and again I kept it on the surface and then told him to not call again as I was in a relationship and I did not want any misunderstandings but wished him all the best with his life.

I think I got so overly fixated with wanting an explaination in the past, so stuck on it. So that I could understand. And so then I could avoid that again. It was safety to me. if I did not understand I made up my own reasons, and it just stayed between us as unsolved.

What I have learned now is to allow someone to make a mends, if they want to do it, let them do it, and too know that perhaps the reason they won't give you an explaination (or an apology) is because it is not clear to them themselves what went wrong. Therefor they cant deliver it on a plate.

It is so strange with these families, how it just goes on and on without us even reflecting about it.

Like with the psychopath - he would tell me something that he had resented having been done to him and others by a family member, and still who did he try to be like - and have life forced down on me the same way - that very person. I did not understand how he could not see that pattern. He was doing to me what had been done to him. And he thought that was how it should be. Only now he was on top. His time to become like the family member he had experienced having before been in the shadows off.

For the younger generations I think if one can spot something bad within families one has a chance of treating it or else it will pass on, and I don't want to leave earth like that, knowing something bad has passed on to my child if me and the dad aren't handling this right. I don't want to repeat what happened between my parents.

Sorry for all this massive text

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by asearcher

For the younger generations I think if one can spot something bad within families one has a chance of treating it or else it will pass on, and I don't want to leave earth like that, knowing something bad has passed on to my child if me and the dad aren't handling this right. I don't want to repeat what happened between my parents.

Ah, this is the challenge for so many, to break the pattern which repeats from generation to generation. And usually this pattern repeats itself because those involved are not conscious of the pattern. You are aware of what is happening and why, so you can break this pattern and not pass it on to your child.

You mention depression. I do believe that a major cause of depression is suppressed pain and grief, just as a major cause of uncontrollable rage is suppressed anger, or panic attacks are the result of suppressed fears. Taking pills may help people deal with the outer symptoms of depression, but we need to release the underlying suppressed causes to become free.

The more we understand about these processes, the more compassion we feel for those involved. If your first boyfriend became a stalker and returned to drinking then he was driven by compulsions he could not control. And those compulsions would have arisen from his own past experiences. It was not you who drove him back to drinking, but maybe for him alcohol was a way to escape his issues and help him cope. Except of course, alcohol only makes it worse.

As children we do not understand the stresses and frustrations of our parents. We only experience their outward behaviour towards us. We do not understand that they too are dealing with their own issues from their own childhood. As adults we can look back on whatever happened and appreciate that our parents were maybe dealing with all sorts of things in their lives, and so they could not provide what we needed. And it may be that having your own child has brought all sorts of things to the surface, as you are now a parent.

And out of compassion comes acceptance and forgiveness. We need to accept that whatever happened, happened. We need to let go of all our ideas about how things could have been or should have been, and just accept that things were as they were. There comes a time when we have to forgive our parents for everything and accept that they did their best at the time, even if their best was not very good. Then we are free to move on with our own lives.

Peace

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, you are really wise, Iamthat! =) I get calm just reading your words.

Yes, sadly my first boyfriend had gone through a great deal of pain from his childhood- and teenage years. He had a strong personality and it was thought of as his looks stood out somewhat. He was not easily adapted to if someone thought he should wear this or that. He was his own man.

He was drinking but not to the extent that I was to later experience him do during our relationship when I met him.

If I was to say to people he was a drunk they would automatically think he was emotionally or/and physically abusive to me. The worst he did to me during our relationship was that he fell asleep a Friday night at a party when I wanted to go out and dance. He woke up and said no, no - we had to go (because he knew I loved dancing. Idid not care much for drinking and was worried the friends would drink so much that we would never go out).

Because he was as polite as he was - which I presume was the opposite of what people thought of him, having judged him from his looks - and that him drinking did not make him aggressive or suicidal or flirting with other women, it was hard for me to let his family know just how serious this was.

He was streetsmart too. And selftaught. He was like this survivor. He would just get up.

He took care of me and he did it well. He was my first love. His warmth, his patience, his love - I was very lucky and in ways I was very sheltered throughout.

Others would complain that he could have a hell of a temper and even if we fought - all I can remember we fought about was me wanting him to stop drinking - I was not afraid of him and I did not consider him having a bad temper, even if I could see he too could have a temper. I was never afraid that he would dump me, except for that one time when I had to place the ultimatium on him to go to rehab or for us to say goodbye. I was as nervous as I could be.

I remember there had been a period in our relationship when I had to ask him if he was jealous of me. This because he would show up at work, he would show up even if we said we would not meet that day. He definitely showed a stubborn and over reacting jealous streak when I in secret tried to plan a party in his honor - afraid I had met someone else, had an affair. I just thought he was so silly. We were so close. How could he think that of me?

I remember that some time after the break up, there had been silence, and I was carefully moving on with my life best I could, when all of a sudden he showed up. That was the beginning of his stalking period.

It was so very odd because his eyes were so - I can't put words to it - and he would call, show up - my family got afraid and told me to go straight from job and home and to please not get a new apartment for me to live in alone. We did not recognize him. It was as if it was him - but still someone else.

He would call tons of times, right after one another. By his voice messages he sounded entitled to talk to me, and that in his view, I was his. It was as if he thought I had been some naughty girl who had run away from him, and now he was going to get me back and for me to stop this nonsense. One of those messages he left were threatening. But never again. Then it stopped somewhere when I shook his hand and said let's just be friends. I did not know what else to do. I dont know what kind of episode he was having but he would return to his normal again.