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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Past Lives & Reincarnation

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  #21  
Old 11-07-2020, 09:15 PM
Native spirit Native spirit is online now
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I Have had past life regression done many moons ago.but all it did for me was to validate what I already knew anyway,
I knew things about my past lives that I could not have known about, since I was a very small child, I used to ask why I was living in this country as it was not where I was meant to be.


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  #22  
Old 11-07-2020, 10:03 PM
russianpast_1904 russianpast_1904 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Native spirit
I Have had past life regression done many moons ago.but all it did for me was to validate what I already knew anyway,
I knew things about my past lives that I could not have known about, since I was a very small child, I used to ask why I was living in this country as it was not where I was meant to be.


Namaste

Afternoon Native spirit!

Past life regressions seem to do the same for me. When I was little I recognised buildings, people and objects. Another thing that makes me laugh now, but I took it very much to heart and was very serious about it - I once told a group of my friends (2nd grade I think, or earlier) very randomly just stood up and audibly said in a cafeteria room "I'm related to Anastasia" and my friends joked and teased, made fun of me. One of them countered my proclamation with "and I'm related to Queen Elizabeth I." We were kids and I laughed it off but at that age I felt so offended that someone would make fun of something I felt very true and dear to my heart. Now I know why I said that.

Another incident happened when I was in my early teens. I was at the local daycare/Summer camp center (my mum put my sister and I both in this camp, as she didn't trust us alone at home - I don't blame her for that mindset xD) and all of us kids were told to go outside and play tennis. It was humid, and I didn't want to go outside. I wanted to stay inside and draw, or read or do something other than going outside. Well, this one camp counselor who was very blunt and I feel like he didn't like me forced me to go outside despite my protests. So I reluctantly went outside and we all went to the back area where the tennis court was located. He told us we would be split into teams and I stood with everyone and he then told us to stand up against the fence all in a row so he could pick which ones went to which teams.

He came to me and he said I was going to be on this team or that, and I wouldn't budge. I didn't want to play tennis. I wanted to just sit in the dug out or... it was a shaded area. Anyways, I was telling him I didn't want to play and I kept saying it and he bellowed at me, yelling loudly that I would play or I would go inside and be punished for not following the rules. All I remember after that is screaming and crying, clawing at the fence and slumping to the ground shouting that I didn't want to die! I remember he looked at me and thought I was nuts (wouldn't you?) and told me to go back inside and explain what happened to the directors or head counselors and I got punished for coming back inside despite the fact I was visibly upset. Fun times there.

As a kid, I was very tuned into death. I wasn't one of those kids who pulled wings off of flies or killed cats. I just drew people I loved who had passed on, in coffins or in the ground with angels smiling over them. It disturbed my family, so my parents took me to a psychiatrist to see if it could help. For years I had a real phobia of dying young. It stopped at some point. Therapy did help but only had a small effect on me. It wasn't normal for a child of 7 years to draw the entirety of Princess Diana's coffin, flowers, the card that read "Mummy" from her sons, and the draped standard or banner. That freaked my family out quite a bit.

Another incident that happened was just after my parents had divorced. My sister and I were spending the weekend at my dad's (which is now my mum's house, long story). We didn't have proper beds so he had sofa cushions laid out for us on the floor in what is now my sister's bedroom. For years it was my bedroom, until I moved out (2017). So anyways, we were sleeping and I bolted up out of my sleep, covered in cold sweat. I was looking directly in front of me - the door was open and you can see the stairs going down to the living-room from there. Well I saw this red glow coming from downstairs and I blinked and there was this figure in the doorway. I thought it was my dad and I called out to him, but I heard him snoring and realised this figure wasn't my father. I blinked again, frozen and I couldn't move and it opened its eyes. It had a hat on, a military cap and it had a long coat on too. I blinked again and it disappeared. I always thought it was a dream, but it felt too real and I remember the morning after, asking my dad if he had been looking in on us when we were asleep. He told me he wasn't, said it was probably a dream.

Years later, after having reunited with my sisters (I have found them, and they are very private individuals so I will leave it at that), we validated one another on similar experiences with what we all called a guard-like shadow man in our doorways when we were at similar ages. We believe that this shadow figure is the remnant or possibly a specter from that life of one of the guards who would patrol the rooms and hallways at night. The sound of their boots making thuds into the wooden floors. That is something I've always remembered and didn't understand why. Now I know.

Like Elfin says "You know what you know!"

Also, absolutely! For years I thought I wasn't in the right place or time. When I came into awareness of the possibility that I was Alexei, it started to make a lot of sense. I fought the possibility for months when I first had any inkling I had a past life. I didn't want to be Alexei. I didn't want to be found and killed. That was my mindset when I first became aware and started to have memories. I didn't think I was safe and just fought it until finally one day, I was at work and I had leg pains. I get them now and again (my right foot juts out further than is normal and my ankles bend inwards), so I told my boss and they let me go home early (suffice to say, I didn't keep that job for long lol) and I was really bothered by the leg pains and didn't want to think that it was because of Alexei. Well I got home, and decided to leaf through one of the Romanov books I had (I used to have a lot, but barely read them - now I have very little as I gave most of them away to friends - I regret that slightly, but I'm glad they have good homes). I came across a photograph of Alexei after his Spala episode (1912). He's got a leg brace and his leg is bent awkwardly. I remember letting out a gasp and crying. It finally hit me and I accepted it.

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  #23  
Old 12-07-2020, 05:50 AM
Elfin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by russianpast_1904
Elfin! Good morning dear!

Hahaha, I don't really know about Vincent to be honest... Maybe it's a life time I had before or after Russia? Hahaha, your sense of humour makes me smile! I need smiles after recounting what I just wrote before seeing your messages! Yes, the language! I'm very drawn to Russia, and also France. I had a life-time during the French Revolution which eerily mirrors Alexei's.

Oh yes, absolutely. You know what you know. I couldn't agree more! I need to go eat, or else I'll feel nauseous haha.
Hi.... Yes Vincent. Would have been before Russia but after French Revolution. He died young so you would have had "time" between the other events!! Am not surprised you are feeling nauseous . Re-calling the past must be tiring, but to write it down in such detail must also be very draining. I imagine you need to keep your energy levels up.. I kind of envy the fact that so many know about theirs in such vivid detail. I am only sending little smippits of some of mine, although am being shown things all the time and learning. I would really like to be regressed but I can't always relax properly.
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  #24  
Old 12-07-2020, 05:54 AM
Elfin
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*sensing little snippets* I meant. ( I can't always work the "edit" thing!!... And I won't use a disclaimer to tell everyone I'm not really "gormless"... Because by now they know I am lol )...
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  #25  
Old 12-07-2020, 09:24 AM
Native spirit Native spirit is online now
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And you Elfin need to stop being so hard on yourself


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  #26  
Old 12-07-2020, 09:45 AM
Elfin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Native spirit
And you Elfin need to stop being so hard on yourself


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Sorry Native spirit.. I'll try.
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  #27  
Old 12-07-2020, 10:22 AM
russianpast_1904 russianpast_1904 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elfin
*sensing little snippets* I meant. ( I can't always work the "edit" thing!!... And I won't use a disclaimer to tell everyone I'm not really "gormless"... Because by now they know I am lol )...

Morning Elfin! I just woke up (I have work, 11 a.m. my time)

See it's funny because, I do feel that I had a life-time between France and Russia. I've had some paths but they didn't make sense to me. So I kind of just gave up haha. xD

Well, thankfully food takes away the nausea!

Ah, see... I wish I didn't remember things in such detail. I also wish I wasn't so wordy with my posts. I tend to do that, write with too many words and in too much detail. In the beginning replies of this thread I wrote that when I first started writing down memories, I was very imaginative and as a teenager I was filling in spots with my imagination and didn't know if it was true or not. All I knew were the basics. There were these large rooms, lots of flowers and pictures. There were "Mama" and "Papa" and lots of generals and soldiers. There were "My" sisters, and other "relatives." This was really early in my awareness and I didn't really understand.

My first inkling of Reincarnation came from being told about it by a college/uni professor who had the last name Bacon, but wasn't related to the famous actor Kevin And she was really nice, and we always had breathing exercises and she always talked about Krishna, Buddhism, Hinduism, reincarnating, and other spiritual topics despite the fact our class was an English one! I can still remember the breathing exercises. Anyways, I remember telling her that I couldn't really explain my fear of flying (I have a path that I used to think often about, and still think it's correct that I reincarnated during the early 1930's in Germany, and died very young in a fiery aeroplane crash with most of my family - and people say that you reincarnate within your family group - Well if my hunch is correct I did. He was related to Alexei, but never met Alexei as he was born years after he died). I have this distinct experience of being in high school, and dozing off while listening to my math teacher. I hate math. So much. Hahaha. Anyways, I was falling asleep and I did eventually and I woke up to the sound of my pencil case crashing to the floor. But what I heard was the noise of a plane's engine and the nose-dive sound of it crashing and I woke up very fast and was asking my classmates did they hear the plane crash. No one heard the plane crash. Years later, I decided to do some research and found this possible life-time - a little boy who died with his brother, parents, and grandmother - and he was related to Alexei but never met him. I try not to discuss or even mention facial similarities. I used to put much stock into them (still get freaked out when I do side-by-side comparisons of me and Alexei). But, I noticed this little boy looked an awful lot like Alexei when he was younger. There was a similar look in his eyes. I would get flashes and get really upset about it. I would hear disembodied explosions and crashing noises sometimes. I haven't thought about that possibility in a long time honestly. I still think it is a possibility. The 1930's and Germany, especially where he lived (Alexei visited there quite a bit as a small boy) - there's a bridge that clutches at my heart strings like no other. But, I think if he was one of my past lives, I've moved on from that. Though, I still am nervous when it comes to flying. I've flown, quite a few times - I just do not like it.

Anyways, back to the professor named Bacon, and that class. She was so open-minded. We lost quite a few students because of her open-mindedness. Normally a professor sticks to curriculum but she didn't always haha. I loved her class even though I struggled a bit given that she veered off topic a bit too much. I told her about my fear (overwhelming at the time) of flying, and that I'd flown but I didn't like it and it was like a fatal fear about it. She suggested that I may have died from being in a plane crash in one of my past lives.

I also mentioned the Romanovs (yep, back to that haha) and I remember she gave me a newspaper article on the rehabilitation of the Imperial Family (2007) to the Russian Orthodox Church. No, wait... sorry, it was about the discovery of a new burial site - new remains, believed to be those of Alexei and one of his sisters. Ironic that she'd give me an article on that particular bit of news?

Or, it was the rehabilitation... or both of those things. Now I'm confusing myself lol! However, I do remember writing down all the Imperial Family's names and the names of the servants and the family doctor who stayed with them and subsequently died with them as a result of their loyalty.

See, in high school, I would draw a lot of things. I remember drawing this series of sketches. There were quite a few and I probably threw them out or they are in my mum's garage or basement somewhere. I need to get back home, and go through my stuff to see what I want to take. Lol! Anyways, this series of sketches was done before I attended high school. I had an art teacher, who was awesome in 1st grade, and she let me have some books I really liked to look through (History ones, go figure) and so I always would read the passages pertaining to the Great War (1914-1918) and always would go back to the Russian Revolution, and also would re-read the few pages on the Assassination of the Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife Sophie, the Duchess of Chotek. Something about them was faintly familiar. But the Russian Revolution part always got to me in a way I couldn't explain. There were some pictures of the Imperial Family (one or two), a picture of a tall bell tower which at the time I knew I'd seen before, but couldn't explain why. There was a photograph of a Fabergé egg which was given as an example of the Tsar's wealth. There were passages about the Revolution and what happened. The photograph of the Imperial Family was one of the first I'd ever seen. It was made in 1916 (I found out much later), and showed the Tsar, his five children and cossacks of the Imperial Guard at Stavka (Mogilev, G.H.Q.). At the time I couldn't explain how I knew them, and knew the man standing between the first two girls (Anastasia and Olga). I knew he was someone named "Grab." As a kid, I was spelling it wrong, as I later came to know the correct spelling as "Grabbe." But I knew who he was. I knew who they were. And the young boy in the photograph, I would get such weird feelings but didn't understand why.

So back to the sketches. I mentioned one of the sketches was the bell tower. This bell tower made such an impression on me that I included it in the series of drawings. I labeled them all. I also drew the double-headed eagle (the coat-of-arms of the Russian Empire). The others were of the Dowager Empress Maria (Alexei's grandmother) and the Imperial Family (the Tsar, Empress, and their children). The other one, that is always so clearly etched in my mind is the family's yacht. I had never heard the yacht's name, nor ever saw it in a book. I'd only seen a passing, brief image of it in the animated movie Anastasia and I remembered it so I drew it. It had two funnels, and I was very imaginative so I exaggerated on some things like the number of portholes but the shape was accurate to what I remembered. I labeled it "Starstant." Years later, I would come to know the name of the yacht. "Standart" or "Shtandart" which is how the Russians would call it. That still freaks me out a little how similar they sound, even if the letters are a bit off. God, I haven't thought about those drawings in forever!

Here's the photograph I mentioned above:



Count Grabbe is standing between (behind) the first two girls, (Anastasia and Olga). I instantly recognised him, first seeing this photograph (and it was small in that book. I wonder where that book is now haha. I remember now, thinking back there was also a photograph of the Tsar and his children during their imprisonment and forced exile. I didn't like that one. It made me very sad and I couldn't explain why. I had read the little blurb of what happened and shut the book. When I'd re-read that section of the book, I'd deliberately skip that passage and that photograph. I didn't want to look at it because I didn't like how it made me feel. Now, I know why it made me feel that way.

Another thing that creeps up from childhood (in this life) is the fact I had such a abnormal fear of falling. When I would fall, I would scream and pitch a fit. I'd cry and cry like it was the end of the World. I mean, it sounds normal. Kids cry when they fall. But I was bordering melodramatic when I did. I remember I fell once, down the front stairs of my mum's house and went face-forward and it knocked the wind out of me. These stairs were concrete so it hurt. It scared the living day lights out of me. But I'm still here so that's good haha.

When Alexei and his family were forced into exile (Siberia) and imprisoned at the Governor's Mansion in Tobolsk, just before the Tsar was told he had to go to Moscow (which didn't happen), Alexei had an accident which had him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life (up to his death). He couldn't walk after the accident. There were accounts of him taking a sledge down the stairs in the house because the guards (they changed after a while as the early ones grew too sentimental to the family) destroyed the mountain outside in the yard. (Russians call hills, "mountains" and it was ice and snow) and that's how he injured himself. It was written off as "dare-devil syndrome" and because he was a Haemophiliac, he had this tendency to be reckless. Yes I have memories of being reckless but it wasn't because of a destroyed mountain of ice and snow. It was a lot of things, including the loss of that mountain which was one of the few joys we had living there.

I don't talk about it much because I still feel guilt. I know I shouldn't because it happened over 100 years ago. But, I still feel guilt about it. I remember anger, a lot of boring days and having dark thoughts. About death and not living. I remember not wanting to live anymore and not wanting to burden them - my family. I felt like a burden. A Haemophiliac who had to be watched over constantly. Who was worried over so much, and prematurely aged his parents (though their jobs did that too). I remember taking the sledge to the stairs. I didn't feel anything. I remember going forward, and there was a rush of air and in me a rush of adrenaline. I remember the bumps of the sledge as it raced down the stairs and then I hit the wall. I don't remember a lot but there was numbing pain involved. I really didn't tell anyone this because I didn't know if it was true. I didn't want to upset anyone - why would Alexei want to kill himself? What good would that do? I thought it was all my imagination, so I just buried it in my mind - not a good idea. It creeped up often and still does.

Recently, I became very aware when I saw some photographs made of the Governor's Mansion (which recently was restored) and there's a section of original railing and flooring on that staircase. Everything else has been repainted but that spot. It's a virtual tour so you can move around. I froze at that spot, got so sick to my stomach and started to sob. I knew that was the spot I had hit, racing down the stairs. I had a vivid flashback of going down them. Of the air smacking my face. The sound of the metal treads? beneath screeching against the wood. I've not viewed that tour since. Everything in it, including that portion of floor and railing is too familiar to me. It's both painful and happy at the same time. We liked living there. We would have been happy had we been allowed to live there, but that wasn't meant to be. Alexei survived his attempt at suicide, and that's where I feel the guilt from. I tried to off myself, and yet it didn't work. I made the situation and stress my parents were in, all of us were in much, much worse. Papa was angry. I don't think at me, but the situation though I took his anger as directed at me, even though it wasn't. Alexei was a young boy. Just 13, about to be 14. That's a teenager, but still very young.

Anyways, I'm rambling on again. I do that (often).

Back to Vincent. Maybe I should watch a regression video, see if anything comes up? It makes sense he was between France and Russia. Do you get any country, language at all when you think about him?
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  #28  
Old 12-07-2020, 11:52 AM
Elfin
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Dear me child .. you can certainly talk !!!.... ( You sure you're not a woman ? Lol..)...oh my goodness ... Bacon you say??? Hmmmm we need to think!!! But oh my GOODNESS...what an Amazing teacher you had. Don't matter if she never actually taught you anything in class lol..but what an amazing person was she??? Ahhh can relate a bit as my eldest child is a head teacher of infants and he is passionate about his role and the encouragement of his charges. I can't remember what else I was going to say lol...( Old age you know!)... Amazing though.. your accounts. And you are obviously passionate about that particular chapter of your life ... Because life does go on...and on...and on...and on....and realistically.. one never knows where one will "end" up next!... We got the whole future to contend with yet!!!
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  #29  
Old 12-07-2020, 12:04 PM
Elfin
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P.s... I never ever gave van Gogh a single seconds thought until you "popped " up lol...his life was quite tragic. I mean come on... It's not everyday folk chop their own ears off lol.. ( sorry Vince!).... And in a way I would hate to think you were him. But then again I suppose we cannot pick and choose!!!!
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  #30  
Old 12-07-2020, 02:46 PM
russianpast_1904 russianpast_1904 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elfin
Dear me child .. you can certainly talk !!!.... ( You sure you're not a woman ? Lol..)...oh my goodness ... Bacon you say??? Hmmmm we need to think!!! But oh my GOODNESS...what an Amazing teacher you had. Don't matter if she never actually taught you anything in class lol..but what an amazing person was she??? Ahhh can relate a bit as my eldest child is a head teacher of infants and he is passionate about his role and the encouragement of his charges. I can't remember what else I was going to say lol...( Old age you know!)... Amazing though.. your accounts. And you are obviously passionate about that particular chapter of your life ... Because life does go on...and on...and on...and on....and realistically.. one never knows where one will "end" up next!... We got the whole future to contend with yet!!!

P.s... I never ever gave van Gogh a single seconds thought until you "popped " up lol...his life was quite tragic. I mean come on... It's not everyday folk chop their own ears off lol.. ( sorry Vince!).... And in a way I would hate to think you were him. But then again I suppose we cannot pick and choose!!!!

Haha yes, forgive me on that front. Earlier, after I posted that reply to you, I looked up a regression video to see if I could jog anything. I kept falling asleep (which happens hahaha) but I didn't remember anything. I don't think I was Van Gogh, though I do love his work. I do have a past life that I was able to reconcile a few years ago (which involved my girl-friend, she's been in most of my past lives, whether directly connected or distantly) where I was an artist. He lived in Italy, and had some very strong connections/clients. 15th Century. He was very egotistical and liked to drink. I don't want to say his name because well... Most frown on people who claim more than one famous past life. But my girl-friend was the mistress he had, the wife of one of his protégé's. He had a lot of enemies in the artist community. Many didn't like him. His work is renowned. He was never fully appreciated during his life-time, but after his death (like so many artists before and after him) he became renowned. His work is some of the most expressive and emotional. It is incredible that someone could do that with marble. I've never tried to sculpt (with clay yes), but I do like to paint every now and again, and he painted quite a lot, along with sculpting. I painted a sample for my aunt once, she let my sister and I play with oil paints. It was freaky because I noticed it looked like some of the backgrounds of his portraits. And my sketching style looks similar to his rough sketches of sculpture, etc. But enough about that haha. I was able to also reconcile a long-standing karmic pattern that involved most of my past lives from the very beginning. I even was able to reconcile with the individual I shared this karma with. We are acquaintances now, which is fine. I think that he still has some life times to learn from. Maybe I do too, but the karma between us has been resolved thank goodness.

Fairly recently, I was able to (and I'm not sure if everyone can just do this) have a long chat with Alexei. If I can explain this easier, basically I was talking to one of my sisters (Alexei's) - I've got them all, and I'm incredibly grateful for being able to have them again this time around. Not everyone has such a lucky go of things.

Olga told me that I should talk my "inner Alexei" (if that makes sense), basically my inner soul/past life self and tell him that it wasn't his fault. That he couldn't have stopped the death even if he tried. That he is safe now, that everyone is safe now, and that he doesn't have to protect everyone. That's a lot of stuff to tell your inner self. I'd never done this before and it was very eye-opening to say the least! So I took a deep breath and closed my eyes and I didn't know what I was doing. I saw him, Alexei cowering in a corner of the room where everyone died in. He was covered in blood, he was crying and shaking. It was very dark except for a dim light (this sounds so weird but this is what I saw). So Olga told me to call out to him. She herself felt my inner soul's pain. She was crying and so was I. It was such a weird experience! So I called out to him, reaching my hand out. My inner soul responded and started to talk to me and I told him that it wasn't his fault. He wasn't to blame. That he couldn't have stopped that night from happening even if he tried. That he was okay and safe, that he didn't have to feel afraid anymore. Olga is very sensitive and she said to me that I've been stuck in that basement room for a long time. That my inner soul has not been able to get out of it. He was talking to me in Russian, and I could understand him (I know very little of the language, only the basics but I could understand him perfectly and he could understand me as I replied back). I reached out my hand and encouraged him to come towards me and he got up. I'd never felt a hug from my inner self/soul before. I felt him hug me. It was... I sobbed. I silently cried, hard. I could feel his embrace. It was so... I don't know how to describe it really. It's something I've never felt before ever.

After we hugged, (we hugged a few more times because apparently we both needed those embraces) I opened the door out of the basement room. White light flooded the little room, and I could see rolling green hills and meadows. I recognised this scenery instantly because I'd dreamed of it years ago. In the dream, I was with my family (Alexei's) and we were all walking through this place. It was raining (warm rain but it felt healing) and everyone was dressed in white, sparkling clothing. It felt other-worldly. So it was a surprise to see the place again through the doorway. I took his hand in mine and we walked out and eventually came to rest on a hill. We sat there talking for a good time (however long it was) and we hugged a few more times. He had so much to say to me. I think that inner talk to myself had been a long time coming honestly.

I don't know if it actually 100% healed me from that life-time, but it did help definitely. I now know I can talk to my inner self. You see, when I came into awareness and eventually (after months of fighting it) accepting it as a possibility that I was Alexei, I wanted to find everyone. I wanted to find my sisters and parents. I didn't know if they were safe or in trouble. I felt the need to protect them and keep them safe from harm. The World is a big place. To find six other people you knew in a particular life-time would probably seem next to impossible.

I was naïve and stupid when I told a public forum (about the Romanovs and the Alexander Palace, other royal families, etc) I believed I was the reincarnation of Alexei Romanov. I got teased, joked at, made fun of and the moderators didn't even help. They didn't care. I felt lost and hopeless and after posting my belief so publicly, felt such low self-esteem and broken confidence in myself because of what I had posted. No one cared. No one knew me and I didn't want to be known but I thought that somehow if I posted that, my family would know it was me. Well, stranger things have happened. Tatiana saw my post and sent a private message to me and we started talking, validating memories and things we knew. I had reunited with one of sisters and thought that if it was possible to reunite with her, then it was possible to find everyone else or reunite with them. That was in 2007, and I was 17 then. I was still in high school. I started college/university in 2008 and had kinda forgotten about that life, and Tatiana and I didn't talk as much. I suppose there was a reason for it. I focused on school at that point. Well, my favourite aunt was diagnosed with cancer. She died very suddenly the next year and it sent me and my family into a deep depression. I was so scarred by her death. I was one of the people who found her in her bed. It was scarring and emotionally disturbed me for years. I mentioned that girl-friend of my friend's roommate who is clairvoyant and how she was able to channel my aunt. Well... I always had this feeling my uncle had done something that caused her death and I didn't 100% know but I felt it in my soul he did something. Well when she channeled her, my question got an answer. What I felt was confirmed. He killed her. It always seemed strange when he started dating so soon after her death, and re-married months after. No one expected that. I was never very close to him growing up either. He's estranged now. I was able to have closure and I forgave him for what he did. Forgiveness is hard . Seriously.

But so, when she died my life spiraled out of order. I lost myself in a deep depression. I thought of taking my own life to be with her. I missed her that much. She was my second mother. Thankfully I had a good group of college friends who got me out of that dark place. And, on top of it I reunited with Anastasia that same year. We have unfortunately grown a part (sometimes this happens with people you knew in a past-life), but we used to be very close. But she saved me as well from doing the unthinkable. I'm glad I didn't do it. After that, my other sisters found their way to us. Of course... there were hurtles along the way. I think it has to do with the fact so many people claimed to be surviving Romanov children after the deaths of the Imperial Family (Anna Anderson, Michelle Anches, Marga Boodts, Heino Tammet, etc, etc) because of all the rumours that one or two or all of the children survived. People still believe in these conspiracy theories to this day despite the conclusive evidence that they all died in Ekaterinburg. There were other girls who came forward or who I met whom I thought could be one of my sisters. It was painful because there would be falling outs and fights. We were all so young, and naïve. I was the most naïve. I wanted the whole family back together. It's understandable when you die at the age of 13, on the cusp of 14. It was horrific and nightmarish. It was a living a ----.

But after a while, Marie and Olga reunited with us. We all felt whole once more. There were validations, and lots of laughs, lots of cries, you name it. I've even reunited in person with three of the girls (not yet with Olga, God-willing, it will happen soon) and let me tell you... being able to hug three people I knew and loved so much in one life-time and to be able to do it in the present is such a... it's healing beyond words. Sure we've had our squabbles (what siblings do not), but hugging them was like: Thank God! Thank God they are alive. Thank God they are okay and not hurt! Thank God! It's like that. It's probably a lot more than I'm describing here but it's wonderful. I'm actually seeing Maria later this week! I'm very excited and it's coinciding with the anniversary of the murders. None of us have physically been together during that time of year. We all get very emotional, and talk about it when it comes around. It's always a depressing time. For some reason it still effects us - Marie and I the most, which we don't quite understand why.

Alexei and Maria's remains I mentioned earlier were found back in 2007-2008. I could be wrong on the year, but they were found around that time. Russia and the United States disputed over who was with Alexei. Either it was Maria or Anastasia. Russia believes it was Maria, the U.S. believes it is Anastasia. Where the others are buried, the one set of female remains is said to be between 15-17 years old. (Anastasia just turned 17 before she died), and the very little remains found (of a young boy, between 12-14) show a young woman between 17-19 years old. (Maria had just turned 19 before she died). Maria and I have talked about this quite a lot, and we believe it was Maria who was burned with Alexei. The other thing is that recently, a year ago I think the remains (which were never buried with the rest of the family) vanished. They were in the Russian State Archive holding (GA RF) and just vanished. Poof. No one knows where they went. Maria and I think that because of this, we can't let go. Maybe it's convoluted and silly to think that way but it seems like that honestly.

Where Mama and Papa are concerned, it's a whole other story. Either they will find us, or they aren't here physically. They are here, but not incarnate. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful for being able to reunite with my sisters. But I miss my parents. They miss them too. I don't know where they are and I cannot reconcile myself to believe they are with God. It's too hard for me to comprehend and make sense of. Why would they be there? Why would they choose that? Why wouldn't they choose to be with us? Maria tells me that she would hope that both of them would be with God, as they endured and went through so much. They did, I know they did but I cannot believe they would not be with us like we have all reincarnated.

I probably sound like a child right now writing this. My feelings from that life-time are still very raw. It's all very raw. Especially at this time of year. Just before the anniversary. I hope that seeing Maria, maybe we'll be able to heal one another by seeing each other. We won't focus on that night or what happened. We will be doing fun things and just hanging out, enjoying one another's company. Celebration of life is what should be done, not anguish over death.

I'm still learning and healing from this life-time, if it was in fact mine. I feel it was, and I know other people feel the same way. It's interesting because all the people who claim to be Alexei or one of the girls, or even the Tsar and Empress themselves... they make public social media accounts and openly claim it. I would never do that. I mean when I was younger and still immature, I made a website and posted my past-life claim. I've since taken it down. I don't want people to know who I was. I'm here for closure hopefully and also to make friends. Not to proclaim it from the roof tops that I possibly was Alexei Romanov. We never had real privacy back then, and now that I have privacy... I enjoy it immensely. People say "oh it would be so wonderful to be a king, queen or a prince, or a princess. It would be soo cool!" Let me tell you, it wasn't. It was a 24/7 job. It was not an endless array of parties and grand suppers. It wasn't dancing until dawn. It was a real job. Though I'm a bit of a hypocrite because, I have a social media account. But it is very private. It's locked and no one but Maria knows about it. I just post pictures of flowers, icons that I own, and landscape scenery. I post desserts and sometimes I'll share a Romanov photograph now and again. It's for my healing I suppose?

That's the one thing which I cannot understand. Why would people who claim to be someone who was well-known publicly claim it and make social media accounts and publicly say who they believe they were? I've learned that that is just asking for trouble. It's asking for a sign to be posted to your back like "kick me!" I've learned the hard way of what happens when you naïvely make such a claim so publicly. It's not a fun time.

I would think that most people who do remember a famous life-time, would want to keep it quiet. Keep it to themselves. Only tell those they trust. That's how I view it at least.

Anyways, I have work (as I mentioned earlier, at 11 this morning) soon, so I need to get ready! Sorry for writing so much! I seem to have a lot to say haha.

Love to you all!

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