Losing a loved one..

[PMPM71]

My father died of cancer 5 and a half y ago. At the end it was surreal, like that person who was half-insane, half-in constant pain was not my father, it was just a body. When he was gone it was almost a relief, that he is not suffering anymore. And yes he is just "gone", i cant comprehend that idea of "death" for someone so close. Its as cheesy as "they are never dead for you, they are in you".

He wasn't just my father but my best friend. I think I took it rather well, I'm a grownup not a child, and at least for me its completely different then what you feared before it happens. Maybe its just me and people grief in different way. There is just that sense of loss and realization that there is no point in crying, I could cry until i kill myself with it but it would not change anything. I cried for stupid things in course of my life and only when my father died i realized that it was just ego most of the times and I was just feeling sorry for myself, totally irrelevant. When something really important happens tears are redundant. Like I've lost that emotional and psychological wall that was always there for me to lean on, that I'm alone now. And not so much a loss of a person, more like loss of who I was with him. I'm not a son to a father anymore, and I've lost my family. I still have my mom but its a different dynamics then the three of us had. No matter how bad it could be we always had each other and now that is gone forever.

There is also that sense of guilt that there was someone who was always there for you growing up and when he was in pain and afraid you were not able to help him, you failed him. I know its irrational, because there was nothing I could do, but it is there. I don't know why i wrote this, i guess for some people its important to know that their loved ones "are fine"...i really never even think in those terms. Its just life, all people experience it sooner or later, you deal with it your own way and move on.

[Native spirit]

Life is very difficult for a lot of people and with what is going on in the world it makes it Harder.
Everyone needs a Release Crying is a release it is a release of Emotion.

I am not one for crying i never have been.Everyone Grieves in different ways
when i lost my husband i was not happy with the way some things concerning his death were carried out.
My release was not crying.But getting answers i wanted justice.

And i warned the relevent people to stay out of my way because i will get justice even if it meant them loosing their jobs.
I won my case and i changed the way doctors looked at things that was for my husband.

I have always looked after people took time away from work to look after friends until their passing.
people think i am cold because i dont cry.
As long as you hold your loved one in your Heart they will always be with you.


Namaste