Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

after
my little
manic
session
last night

i just felt like
I was glad
i didn't say
everything
on my mind

she's likely
to just want
to have me killed
once again
anyway.

might as well
trundle along
on my own
some more.

[FallingLeaves]

i tried the chi kung (sp?)
when I was young.
I didn't know anything about anything
but man could I feel the pull

i couldn't continue though
i had too much baggage.

but now i think
it is like anything else
i suppose
if you dare buy into
what others are buying into
you get
all the unconscious stuff
that goes along with
usually a lot of
implicit limitations
on your own behavior
and you never even know what you have done!

but that isn't really
any different
than anything else
if you are always doing the same
as you see those around you do

[FallingLeaves]

if you learn to clear out all the garbage
in your throat
you find you can make all sorts of sounds

these days
a lot of them
have been placed
surreptitiously
into our surroundings.

for example in the city
people get motors
and various kinds of sirens.
----------------------------------------------
In one life
I found out
I can make such sounds
(the trick being,
you do it on the inbreath
not the outbreath)

so then of course
i likened it to a car
and thought I must be a car!
(wicked grin)

Making such wailing sounds
has an effect
on the musculature
by the way
which has an effect
on how energy flows through you.

So one path
is to study those effects
as best you can
until you can no longer go on
and you get lost in some meaning's meaning
and the loa kicks in
and you get whatever
you've taught yourself
it is good to wish for

i didn't do that.

it seemed too stale.

I took a detour through taoism,
where the path is through 'less is more'
and the path is through 'break off from studying'

a child doesn't have much schooling
in the mechanics of walking
or talking
but children do it anyway.

so anyway
i kinda like my brain fog
these days
i get to feel things
rather than be attached to my thoughts.
---------------------------------------------------
but im wary
knowing full well
thoughts can be fun too.

I so hate these stupid swords!
I will be so grateful
when god sees fit
to let us have a better language...

[FallingLeaves]

i totally forgot about lucy
and the football
i'm losing it
lol...

alone does sound good
right about now

[FallingLeaves]

in one of my first lessons
I was holding my breath
and acting like I was breathing
anyway

that made my throat
feel like it was on fire

i suppose i knew
the proper thing to do
in such a situation
was to just stop...

but i didn't,
i pushed through
interacted with it
maybe in some ways
tried to make it worse

so eventually it burned off
and turned into something else
and I learned
you can either go
with what is 'right'
and 'proper'

or you can see what happens when you don't.

my whole life
meditating
has been along those lines...

Often presented
with the 'meaning' for a feeling
meanings that others won't look at usually
definitely won't accept as having merit in the thought-world
and not being able
to go along with that meaning
and pushing through
instead
and interacting with the feeling itself

and then things morph and change
and I have to adapt to something new again.

often such feelings
are supposed to be avoided.

shame... everyone wants to avoid that

i started trying to attract it in small ways
at one point

but none of that has any value
compared
to what the comforter says
whenever she comes around

this world is fickle!

I'm glad
that for whatever reason
I chose to like god.

[FallingLeaves]

i keep wanting
for this to be over with
to have a clear ending

best just give in
I suppose
and accept
god
isn't a gonna let me have it.

[FallingLeaves]

well
between
getting tired
of life
trying to pigeonhole me
into places
I no longer want to go

and
all the people
who know about
my affliction
and will take advantage

and my general desire
to quit
learning about life
and try to live it
instead

i've just kinda lost What trust
in the the things I saw
when I was young.

Does this girl like me?
I dunno.

Does that girl feel something for me?
I dunno.

what is going on with such and such a person?
it is better
if I leave them
to their own life
unless they need to share something

and even then
it is probably foolish
to say whatever response
I can think of...

but people can be fun to interact with

and i like that a little better...
just interacting
with whatever is in front of me
is such a relief
from having everything
all planned out
to the nth degree
for days in advance...

[FallingLeaves]

he has got a lot of problems
one thing
then another
then another

one of his problems of course
is the desire to have support
he used to run around
trying to get people to give it to him

at some point he realized,
that is bad

but there is a general feeling
in him
now
that he shouldn't be asking anyone
for things
especially for things
they don't wanna give

so he doesn't mind so much
any more
not having
the support he always craved

in some ways
it was kind of a relief
once he accepted not having it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
once again
he will say
this path god put him on
seems very difficult
and it is extremely frustrating

but it is miles and miles and miles better
than anything
he could ever
have dreamed up for himself.

so any more
he is happy to go along with it
even when he doesn't get what he thought he wanted.

[FallingLeaves]

ya know
it is nice to hear
echoes
of what might be
for the other

but I learned long ago
not to take such things so seriously

kinda interesting
but
well
i guess
I've also got a problem
with relying too much
on things I've been told
that I'm trying to back out of
too
lol

it is nice to hear music
but I'm so glad
I'm past the point
of thinking
that some song i like
imparts
the full meaning of life...

[FallingLeaves]

i used to think
it was horrible
and completely unfair

lucy comes along
with that stupid football
and
I can never kick
the darned thing!

it always stung.

Somewhere in there i was like
well
if i can't have fun
kicking a football
there isn't even a reason to try
so i didn't

no point in trying to eat cake
that is not in front of you
or chase carrots on a stick
when you can never actually have one

this stuff
about being a bull
is just a bit much

and sometime after that
I was walking around
and I realized
that
It really hadn't been any fun
either
anyway
having to always seek
for things I didn't want to find
having to always knock
on doors I didn't want to see opened
having to always ask
for things I didn't want to be given

I was actually grateful
for not having
all the stuff
I was told I should have!

after that
I started to see
how wise god had been
for placing
lucy
and that accursed football
into my life

because without that
to make me stop
and think
I'd still be doing the same old things
I never wanted to be doing
in the first place

but it still stings
lucy
when she comes around
with that accursed football
and I just can't help myself
and 'flop'
there I am
flat on my back!

well i guess
women can be helpful
after all
it just hurts sometimes
the way they go about it

lol