Avoiding Other's Judgments

[Louisa]

I've been thinking about how to bypass others' judgments, and determine who is not going to judge me for things I don't want to be judged for. Also to identify people who won't try to use me for things I don't want to be used for. Someone who will like me for the me that I want to be liked for, the me I feel is the most authentic me. This became more important for me as I realized I was a little more used than I wanted to be by friends and people who I thought were meeting me from a place of real respect and understanding.

Masks are often used to do this.
What about filters to gauge whether people would understand you before engaging them in communication? Sorts of tests.

For example, I little value appearance of people when it comes to relationships and friendships, and I have known what its like to be used for looks (even though I'm not very pretty - thank God). It is enlightening to see how much more coldly people behave or how much more friendly they are based on appearance. So I thought to set up a filter by dressing to filter those who think appearances more important.
Also, those who are nosy and think they are owed a particular response, I act a little rude and outspoken, within bounds, without really being disrespectful to anyone. I do my own thing on my own time to filter out the ones who think they are owed my time and attention in a particular way.

I know this behavior is sort of taking me farther from trying to love in a more unconditional way, but I figure I will find the right place to channel the energy I have to give, and so I'm using filters to try to find the best place where I fit in, then I can let the guards down and open up with less masks and boundaries.
I'd like more ideas on how to do this? Anyone else do this?

[Belle]

Just a thought - instead of avoiding judgment, try seeking acceptance both within yourself and with others and from others.

If you focus heavily on avoiding judgment then you are liable to find yourself surrounded by it.

[Louisa]

I try to both avoid judgments and to ignore and accept the judgments, and even immerse myself in the judgments if life calls for that. I am hoping that I can assist people to learn where their judgments might be mistaken, by highlighting them, bringing them forward in their consciousness so they might think about what they're judging and whether they really should or not (based on what's right for them, but anyway). And I'm trying to keep people from trying to use me in ways I don't want to be used. So I make it upfront what I'm not willing to give or be just for their perusal of/comfort with me. (looks, other expectations and values that I don't vibe with, whatever. Demands and priorities that they interpret and expect in different ways than I can agree to go along with.)

I am doing this because I've been used and judged when I was too naiive and open and I learned I don't have to fit others' expectations, but people can say they won't use/expect things from me, and it turns out that they actually do, so I withhold the things I don't want them to use or expect, until I know the relationship is founded firmly on other things. Not throwing pearls before swine, as it is said (in the Bible?).

But I try to continue to be nice to them otherwise, unless the differences between us seem too heavy for me to bear (in which case, I just avoid them, the kindest thing for both of us - better that than conflict and aversion that never seems resolved). Sometimes I still try to immerse myself in crowds who would judge me (and I try to blend in to varying degrees, depending on my strategy) just to give me a chance to try to relate better to them and not judge them... not judge them for judging me, they have their reasons. Maybe they'd finally decide to stop judging me and relate to the real me at last - it has happened at least once or twice- a good friend from once enemy. And to see our common ground and how that is still good and beneficial for both of us. But I can't be everything to everyone all the time, so I am just trying to see where I can do my best for me and for others. That's what its really about for me.

But ultimately its a filtering device for me - I choose who I interact with. I seek those who won't judge me or use me in ways that I don't wish to be judged and used. Then I feel it helps me and others - it's like birds of a feather flock together. So I'm just trying to identify people like me, when I feel confident in my values and reasons for being and doing what I want anyways. I don't always like to be around others like me and when there's not conflict between differences, then all is well and sometimes differences are the spice of life.

[Nameless]

Well, what comes to mind for me is this simple phrase: care only what you think, not what others think. Taking that one step further is: care only what you think about YOU and not what you think others think about you.

It changed my life. Just trying that for one day, that and trying to catch yourself thinking, will uncover things about yourself that you never knew you were telling yourself.

Also, changing a few beliefs will help. If you can get to a place where you believe: that people already treat you nice, then they will
that you are worthy, then you are
that you live in a safe universe, then you do

You are the only one in your head, and it DOES matter what you think. And it never matters what anyone else thinks, because they are not you, and you are unique.

Just some things I have worked on this year that helped me with what you are going through.

[Belle]

I do like the thought of filtering. You have to make your life, stand in your power according to your ultimate understanding and that position isn't reached without caring about what other people think or how they perceive but it is your life.

I'm speaking as someone who spent / spends far too long caring and feeling concerned that I may be judged or rejected for how I come across or what I do etc. I blame my mother (!) her stock phrase in my childhood "don't do this, people might not like you ..."

[Nameless]

Been there, done that, have the T-Shirt!

[Louisa]

Nameless, that's very interesting. I like that - I don't have to worry about what others think. I am going to have to think more about everything you said, but I will. I think it could hope some keys for me.

[Louisa]

Belle, I also was raised to try to please people. All the women on my mother's side are VERY much that way. And it was a guilt trip she gave me - what will people think of me if you do this. Ahhh!! And always, "you did this, you are so ungrateful!", whenever I was myself, different from how she wanted me to be. I was not very rebellious, but to her I was a devil. I'm glad I eventually saw beyond all that, though it still hangs over me sometimes.

[Louisa]

Nameless, I've been thinking about what you said. I think that if we can see the best in people, while also seeing their flaws, we can interact with them at their best. And sometimes kindness and generosity is it's own protection from others. I guess through much of my life, I can see it this way. How can I be used if I'm not trying to hold anything back anyway and love people however they are and however they act. I will try to see if I can believe that people will treat me nice, I am worthy, and I live in a safe universe. Its a far cry from my current outlook, in many ways. But I'll try and I think maybe it will lead to acceptance and redefinition of what being treated nicely even means and what is fair and what is worthy. But I'm not sure. Anyway, if I can reform my beliefs, I will see if I can and what comes from it.

[Belle]

Originally Posted by Louisa

Belle, I also was raised to try to please people. All the women on my mother's side are VERY much that way. And it was a guilt trip she gave me - what will people think of me if you do this. Ahhh!! And always, "you did this, you are so ungrateful!", whenever I was myself, different from how she wanted me to be. I was not very rebellious, but to her I was a devil. I'm glad I eventually saw beyond all that, though it still hangs over me sometimes.

Louisa I think we share a mother! I hear those mantras in my ears delivered from my mother. Endless guilt, endless insecurity about what people might think. I used to say that I felt my life was like as if I were on a wobble board as I was never sure how to be that would make people like me as I had so many soundbytes playing in my ear. And I'm sure as sure can be that my mother would deliberately wrong foot me. In fact i caught her at it on a few occasions.

Now, there is a part of me that makes me covet judgment - because if I am judged then I can make an active choice over my thoughts, my behaviours, my actions rather than go with the flow. But I get incredibly uncomfortable as a result of this people-pleasing mentality - but I try to see it as a blessing not a curse and think objectively - am I being true to me ....

And I start to make the person that I am, not the person that she might have wanted me to be.

For me it's working with the energies that you are presented with - positive or negative.