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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #11  
Old 24-04-2021, 03:20 PM
Ziusudra Ziusudra is offline
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Your current partner seems to be insecure with himself and with your relationship. Adding the preexisting jealousy trait, mistrust, and disrespect for boundary seem to be the causes of his reaction to your Ex's letter.

I can understand his behavior if you were having a torrid affair with your EX, but for a little innocent letter?
Most secure and emotionally stable guys probably will laugh about it.
After all, you are with him and not with your EX.
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  #12  
Old 24-04-2021, 04:55 PM
Elfin Elfin is offline
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...also Asearcher, I DO know how hard this is , how you are living... My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find a solution to it all....
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  #13  
Old 27-04-2021, 12:48 PM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Hi everyone, I wish to thank you all so very much for your opinions and warmth.


Last edited by asearcher : 27-04-2021 at 05:49 PM.
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  #14  
Old 29-04-2021, 05:02 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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In case of split I've been told it will be solo custody, as in me getting solo custody because of the current business he's in and with pandemic choices out there, his own words. He's always been a good father. If we fail I will support their relationship in any way I can. I did not know if to believe his old threat or not, it scared me, now he's humble.

About the "control freak" part he sees now he has been in need of control and wants to try to work on that. That he did not consider my feelings. It's all so stupid, when I think how good looking he is and how sure he can sound when he speaks. I'm the one who has been undermined, but I let it happen, gradually, still I wouldn't do it to him back, so he did not know what it felt like. I was hoping I could get him over to my side.

Last edited by asearcher : 29-04-2021 at 03:40 PM.
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  #15  
Old 30-04-2021, 12:04 AM
Ziusudra Ziusudra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asearcher
In case of split I've been told it will be solo custody, as in me getting solo custody because of the current business he's in and with pandemic choices out there, his own words. He's always been a good father. If we fail I will support their relationship in any way I can. I did not know if to believe his old threat or not, it scared me, now he's humble.

About the "control freak" part he sees now he has been in need of control and wants to try to work on that. That he did not consider my feelings. It's all so stupid, when I think how good looking he is and how sure he can sound when he speaks. I'm the one who has been undermined, but I let it happen, gradually, still I wouldn't do it to him back, so he did not know what it felt like. I was hoping I could get him over to my side.
You did NOT do anything wrong. So, your baby stays with you.

However, due to his temper and emotional instability, along with threatening you (this is an emotional abuse ), he will not be getting any custody of his child.

In fact, if I am in your shoes, I would demand that his visit with my child to be supervised.

No, he is not a good father.
A good father does not threaten to take a child away from the child's innocent mother.

What he is saying to you and what he is doing to you are NOT healthy.

You need to let that guy know that his threat of taking your child away from you will have a serious consequence. You really should not let him get away with that kind of threats.

I recommend that you create a log of this kind of "incidents" - start documenting when (time and date), where, and how.- also document if anyone else was there (as witness)

You also need to start talking to your family and friends whenever this kind of incidents happen right away (including any emotional abuse - ie. threats). So, they will back you up at court.

Please stop justifying his maliciousness.
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  #16  
Old 02-05-2021, 11:55 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Hi Ziusudra,
thank you so very much for your concern and ideas.I agree that he is not a good father to make those kind of threats.When he has said those things nobody else been around to hear it. If a child has been , then been sleeping, or been too young.He has threaten twice about seeking solo custody. Both these times it has been about a fight where he says if I cheat or leave him he will do it.He has a normal temper most of the time, but when he get too angry, it is only with me, our relationship, that is the trigger, when we fight. He is not like that as a dad. Know that sound strange.

The first time he said it, with the letter, it paralyzed me, there was too much going on at the same time. The second time I did not let him get away with it. After that he has not said it again, but it has always stayed at the back of my head. I don't forget such things. I myself come from a split home.

I simply love being a mom and feel so happy that I got to be one. I know I'm not a perfect human being, but I do my very best about my mom-hood and I learn along the way. Thank you so for looking out from the child-perspective.

If he says something crazy again I will bring it to light and not be protecting him or pretending it wasn't said.

The ex told someone that he felt most stable in his mood during our relationship. I don't know if that was why he returned to it in his thoughts and because of that, how he was feeling at the time felt I was then the love of his life. He was my first everything, but he was more experienced and would not stay single sometimes after our break up.



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  #17  
Old 03-05-2021, 12:35 AM
Ziusudra Ziusudra is offline
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Asearcher,

I am glad that you did not let him get away with the 2nd threat.
No parent should use his/her child as a weapon against the other parent.
Taking a child away from any good parent is an unthinkable act from the child's perspective. It damages and traumatizes the child for life.
If he really loves his kid, then he would not even think about taking his child away from its mother. - Even he hates the woman.

Your EX probably is emotionally unavailable and likes the unattainable relationship. - After all, you moved on and has a child with the current guy.
You have a lot going with your current relationship.
So, it is probably healthy to just dismiss and not overthink your ex's dysfunction and delusion.
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  #18  
Old 04-05-2021, 06:20 PM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Hi, I had to edit my answer because reading it afterwards I realized it was so long. I apologize for that. It was like a life story, LOL. Thank you again for your supportive words, I agree with you.

I had to snoop around after the letter and hide that I was which I did not like one bit because I wanted to just be honest with my current, anyways I find out that he did get help, the ex, but there was no direct communication between us after the letter, as I did not dare to do that because of the current's strong reaction, and that I regret.

I kind of land in the belief that it was a cry for help or a goodbye letter but my current saw it as him wanting me back and just waiting for us to go separate ways. That he was just tripping. The ex was the kind to never ask a living soul for help. He was the one that others asked for help. He was very stubborn. He wanted to handle things his way. He had a bad period when the worse of him came through and that was way back during his stalker period of me, which began and lasted some time after our break up when we really should not be seeing each other no more. Then he was angry. Stalking me. Scared me. In that state of mind he would get his engagement ring back on. But then he got back to normal again and then he was this normal, friendly guy but still one with a problem with the drinking, at least it was in periods of his life, it has only been later on I heard "depression", "Bipolar" but during the relationship I did not experience it, only it could have been a way for him to self medicate, and not knowing, or not wanting to tell me. But I did feel we were close when we were a couple.

I never experienced that me and the ex had a period in our relationship where we were unhappy or struggling, despite him having a drinking problem, i was still too happy and too safe with him and I never thought we would break up, and the feeling in our home was so safe, it truly felt like my home. He was never one to abuse me mentally or physically when we were on. I kind of land in the belief that because the break up came so sudden, was unexpected, that kind of sudden cut, that it was bad, not just for me, but even for him - even if he had caused it.

I remember that some people in our lives were teasing him that I was the boss of him (with me forbidding him to drink) and even if he did detox he would not do Rehab and I think something may have happened to his brain then as I much later was told by him he had no memory of the break up or what happened before. It could explain his stalking-period. It is possible he thought he would snap at me to get me to view it from his eyes, or show me who was "the man around here" and thought I would be playing games with him afterwards, and accept his drinking, but I wouldn't. I do think he was set to forget about me, concerning his attitude towards me when contacting me after the evening of the break up, and then something happened and he got to be a stalker of me instead, he may have been sorry and have been missing me but he did not take responsibilty for what he had said that night (when we broke up) and that, honestly, made me feel angry, and unsafe. He wouldn't apologise. Instead he was just angry. When we years later came to talk about what had happened that evening and I had to explain to him as I remembered it very well, he said it couldn't have happened that way, that he couldn't have meant that, that "I would never do that to you" (say that to me), that I must have misunderstood something, as if I had made it all up, something that was so painful, why would I have made that up? He would apologize when he was doing rehab or was done with it, I can't remember, but then it was over his drinking, what ever damage that had caused and I think that was something to help him feel better so I forgave without a second thought (but I had no romantic feelings left for him).

Thank you very much for the support =)

Last edited by asearcher : 05-05-2021 at 02:07 PM.
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