Telling others of autism spectrum?

It is interesting to read what you write here Izz and Justin Passing.

Yes it is mental work too. Added: Studies show the further you are located/have your home far away from your parent in laws the better it is. So both physically and mentally.

And for me I think I have stayed in an unhealthy situation for too long and eventually it was starting to tear me down. And now because I still partly see a threat in front of me (as in seeing them again) I am on repeat on old feelings, and I think it stands in my way of healing. Us healing. At the same time I know he can not bring himself to cut off contact. Also how it works with narcs, apparently at least that one, is that when they have hit rock bottom (when you want nothing to do with them), they then "shape up" and start all over again, as if nothing has ever happened before, to then only repeat. I try not to judge because I know that had this individual not been a narc it would not be doing this, and it got to be a narc I believe from being deprived from love, empathy. From what I suspect this goes generations back, so this narc was not the first narc in the family.

I think I have 3 issues here regarding him and his first family (not everyone). There is the narcissism. And then there is the autism spectrum and the perfectionism.

It both touches and pains me at the same time that my husband does things for me, us, and he very often don't ask, he just does them. And it is so considerate of him, we are in his thoughts. He has arranged for everything. And he don't expect even a thank you. When he does does things it is not because he is thinking he is a perfectionist, by now I can tell those things apart. But the sad thing is that I don't think he knows his true value if he was to not do all these things for me, us.

I have been afraid if he is to feel depressed and not tell me and/or anxiety and not tell me. I have noticed that there is only one person in his first family who gets to be sick and that is of course the narc. The rest don't get sick, get it ;). I've never known him to complain when he is sick. I remember I reacted first time that happened. He is just to himself.

There are times when I feel so sorry for him, but he don't want me to. When it was clear he could not as we already knew tell faces apart, I got emotional, couldn't help it, when he said he could see my face and every emotion in it. I don't know how many photos there is of us when he is looking at me (instead of the camera) or wants to take my photo. Or when we are looking at a movie and I can sort of tell he is looking at me instead to then realize he is. It is as if he has a fascination with my face. And here all this time I have thought of the 2 of us he is the one that has the face :)

I'm hoping both he and I get stronger in time both individually and together. The only way is forward. I try to think that despite of everything we still have love for each other, it wasn't killed after all, but we can't subject it to more damage, not now, why I feel this need to be seclusive, and as you too mention to have fun too.

The mental part I see him take it step by step. But I also realize what a waste of time the counseling was before as we did not know he was on the autism spectrum and he could hide things even to himself, now knowing he had what he had. It felt like we had this mountain (with our problems, and his narc) to unravel and it took just so much energy and I hardly had any at the time.

And then I think it is sad to suspect a younger generation in the family having this and going through not being understood, or what it is, and how one think. I guess we have to give it some thought on how to proceed.

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

I have been afraid if he is to feel depressed and not tell me and/or anxiety and not tell me. I have noticed that there is only one person in his first family who gets to be sick and that is of course the narc. The rest don't get sick, get it ;).

I recognize this tactic too

Yes, for dysfunctional energy vampires, only they are allowed to fall apart or blow up. For example one could spend time giving solace to the dysfunctional person, giving a form of unconditional understanding. And the next, the dysfunctional energy vampire could say something like "don't fall apart mine was more serious, only my worldview is serious not yours" (encountered that from dysfunctional family member and also ex-friend)

Originally Posted by asearcher

I'm hoping both he and I get stronger in time both individually and together

Sounds like you would, as you both complement each other

Speaking of mental shackles - sorry, asearcher, I tried to PM you an example about it too, but your inbox is full

I'm sorry Izz, I've gone through it now, and deleted.

Thanks for telling me.

God, yes it is one thing after another, so you have experienced that too, it never ends. Yes, that what they have is more important than what you have, they sort of sneak that right in there. Especially one time I remember how the narc tried to brainwash my daughter like that when I stood my ground. the narc parent can do things to her in such contempt I am beyond furious but it is as if my daughter don't care, as she knows somehow and I guess always known sort of, that there is something wrong. Even my husband who has been manipulated would react at what his parent said and acted out and cut in between and felt sorry for our daughter. he was also asking me later if I thought our daughter noticed what the narc parent was saying, doing (to mock her) and I don't think she did, and he went "God. Good". So maybe this is what it takes - that him, the golden child, gets to see both his wife and a child be treated badly to finally get it?

Even normal things that children get to be afraid of has been something the narc grandparent has been mocking. Imagine what it would do with an autism diagnose - even if it comes from them (the older generation) as it is genetic?

What is wonderful out of all this bad stuff is that he no longer uses the grey stone tactic, that worked for him alone, and now I feel we are no longer apart.

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

So maybe this is what it takes - that him, the golden child, gets to see both his wife and a child be treated badly to finally get it?
...
What is wonderful out of all this bad stuff is that he no longer uses the grey stone tactic, that worked for him alone, and now I feel we are no longer apart.

Yes that's why I said that he's no longer just the golden child surviving on grey rock method as the learned survival coping mechanism. He is the father, partner and thus the succession of restrictive, limiting beliefs need to be dissected, broken down, mentally eliminated so that they don't pass to next generation.The work is multi layered and thankfully you're there to stand your ground for your daughter

I'm glad your luv is breaking away from that old tactic

Thank you so very much Izz.

I hope in time my husband make a decision on what he wants to do next regarding the autism and how it is up to him who to mention it too and how to work that out.

Like me he has always been focusing on wanting to be a good parent. Even that is something that the narc parent has tried to mock him for, as if that would make him not man enough. So before "the audience", the people "out there" the narc parent tells people of how wonderful the son is, in private try to tear him down and has even tried to stand in his way of co parenting.

I have also sadly heard that the narc parent tells others too that it don't think my husband is man enough as it does "women things" like taking care of his own child. How can a man who knows how to take care of his own child not be man enough? How does that work? If he is man enough to make a child, he is man enough to care for it, IMO.

I don't like how this narc parent view men and what men should be about. Let each man decide that for himself. Let each family decide for themselves what works for them. Everyone do what they can do in the circumstances they are in. IMO the grandparents has had their run and I wish to keep them out of it. They have once made their family. Now it is our turn. That they do not have "rights", what we give to them of the generosity of our hearts is a "privilege". It is up to us to decide who gets to be in and who gets to be out. We're the one responsible for a child's well being.

I had to work on my husband for him to start to see it that way instead because he saw us all as one and that has been part of the problem. Because honestly that narc was crashing through our doors to destroy our family and my husband needed to wake the hell up.

He says it is no point bringing this up with the narc parent because he knows the narc parent always has to be right and only wants to fight, to bring more pain into the family. They all say this: the narc parent is only looking for a fight. I once told the narc that this was it's family it was doing this to, not strangers. It's family. Why? No answer of course. Now I know it is a narc (I did not know what narc meant even back in the days) so of course it sees us as objects, an entitlement to play with. Little as if we are in the narc's dollhouse and it is playing with us. It is so sick when I think of it. Then again it is a mental disorder.

It is the opposite of what any parent of authority in a family should be about. Who enabled this narc parent to sit on the throne? Who? They do. And the partner. The other parent is very secluded with the narc parent, as if they are a team in one way, not in another. When it comes down to it it will go with the narc parent. They are tangled up in one another in a way.

The narc parent believes it is at the throne and look down on all of us and is to decide. What my husband meant was we had to go around the narc parent. Perhaps that is a way to say in time what needs to be said, but I too fear in time it will get to the narc parent's ears anyhow and that is when the whole circus will begin. Maybe then each and every other parent's responsibility then to not let that happen. If it does it is on them, not on us. Can't then say we did not warn them what could happen.

Poor these children. It is so awful one has to feel one needs to protect a child from it's own grandparent. And of course "out there" my husband's parents have the most perfect image, one status after another. No problems. Everything perfect. The perfect family.

I can only hope that God is with us on this one and will somehow help us find a way.

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Poor these children. It is so awful one has to feel one needs to protect a child from it's own grandparent. And of course "out there" my husband's parents have the most perfect image, one status after another. No problems. Everything perfect. The perfect family.

I can only hope that God is with us on this one and will somehow help us find a way.

I'm sorry again to hear this, asearcher. Remember too to honor your protective nature and your "radar" - your life purpose likely includes something of the nature of breaking these toxic karmic patterns from being embedded unto the next generation. Hope that was okay for me to share (intuitively)

Yes absolutely thank you so. I needed that. I have felt and still feel this is getting strong and stronger voice,energy in me, not wanting a daughter of mine to grow up in that kind of atmosphere where there is this sick fixation and crossing boundaries on their bodies, as it is to my sorrow i have noticed a more fixation on the bodies of the females in the family than then males. Why, one might ask? because the narc feels entitled to somehow. my husband don't even react when i have told him i think the comment on his mother's body was out of hand and this mother just takes it, goes yes...just agree with the harsch criticm she is given when she in fact looks the same if not better than the partner, even if of course the partner make it out as if it looks better than her.

But that is not to say the rest of us will, agree and just take it. Why should we?. And what kind of message are they sending to the grandchildren? I don't want this around nobody. Had someone spoken that way to my mom that would have been the start of a war, I can tell you. It would be total lack of grace. She would not have stood for it. Either would any man from my side of the family. We don't talk about bodies that way and certainly not of each other's. I feel this is a legacy I want to give to the next generation instead of my husband's sick stuff. I did not notice any of this before I had my baby, then the masks came off. They know what they are doing. They can chose not to. But their sickness just has to be projected around to make us sick too. And they start doing it to you when you are trapped.

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

i feel this is a legacy I want to give to the next generation instead of my husband's sick stuff

Yes, part of your life purpose right there!

This is what I like about 2022 - things being unraveled and unveiled. I also think I myself found more about my own life purpose

[astralsuzy]

You have got good advice to cut ties with toxic people. As Justin Passing said you cannot cut them off completely when they are family members but you can limit them as much as you can. I no longer ring my sister in law or email her. I am polite to her but I keep my distance. When I need to contact her by email I keep it brief. If you can do that you will feel better.

Thank you Astralsuzy. I am contemplating on cutting them out entirely out of my life as it is still a trigger for me the way it is now. He has family members I have a good relationship with so that could work. My husband can work it out any way he likes. I am done pretending and putting up with being treated badly. But agree with you minimum and neutral contact is good if one now has to stay in touch.