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  #21  
Old 11-05-2022, 05:52 PM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Thank you very much Izz.

This thread was about you, yet I feel I have completely taken over, taken too much space because of my seemingly inability to shorten things up when I wish to explain something and get too wrapped up in it.

I am sorry you knew about the experience that it is when you are happy and relaxed when your narc relative saw the opportunity to try to take that away from you. Still it does affirm that besides from myself and the other person too, this is a tactic too, because if you are always on your toes, if you are not allowed to feel that happiness, you will have less energy I think to get stronger and free yourself. Everything is yet again about power over someone else.

I am happy you are feeling better and the way you see things developing between yourself and your soulmate and your future.

I have learned now through my luvs autism that he speaks bluntly but he can miss out that it can be hurtful until he sees my reaction and by then it is too late. We have had long talks about what kind of parents we want to be, how we wish to present ourselves, what our family is suppose to be about, where does we separate ourselves from how his narc parent wants us to be the same as the narc, or rather my luv to be like the narc, me the narc must know is a hopeless case, hi hi.

I am however nervous somewhat about the upcoming summer knowing that already people are doing diets and exercise to look the way they want to look during summer, and I know how wrapped up my luv can be when he is on one of those, that is even more than he normally gets and I can not have yet another fight with him about this. I know it is already worse at his first family residence. I did not know this til just recently but he has cancelled us from going over there which is not like him but could be because he don't feel he can trust the narc parent to not shut up about weight etc and we don't want a child around that - nor myself. It is also hard for him because he knows the narc won't listen to him, they have all tried various ways, so he can't trust that the narc won't continue the way it has always done anyhow. As usual it is everyone else who has to adapt.

Hugs

Last edited by asearcher : 12-05-2022 at 04:18 AM.
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  #22  
Old 11-05-2022, 07:57 PM
Izz Izz is offline
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Originally Posted by asearcher
I am sorry you knew about the experience that it is when you are happy and relaxed when your narc relative saw the opportunity to try to take that away from you. Still it does affirm that besides from myself and the other person too, this is a tactic too, because if you are always on your toes, if you are not allowed to feel that happiness, you will have less energy I think to get stronger and free yourself.

Yes it's a kind of sickness. I learn to conceal certain objectives in life away from her, keep certain things to myself

I understand you being concerned about upcoming summer. Yes that's horrendous that there's the sense that everyone else would have to adapt to the toxic in law of yours; folks who behave and are like your in law tend to spread a vortex of inconsistency and control

I am opening myself further to the life lessons I just mentioned

Last edited by Izz : 12-05-2022 at 04:40 AM.
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  #23  
Old 12-05-2022, 05:06 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Yes that is the best thing. This why too I have noticed that my luv and others only speak of superficial things around the narc. It is not until the narc has left that everyone starts to get more real and can mix up the superficial talk with the kind of talk that could make you more vulnerable to the narc.

My luv has a good sense of humor, is intelligent, knows sarcasm, and knows like a ninja to keep subjects on the surface even if he himself think in social gatherings that he has nothing to offer. He also makes himself as uninterested as it gets, and there for the narc pretty much leaves him alone with tactics. Because we were as close as we were before it was scary to me when he did the grey stone tactic as he disconnected from me, everyone, he was not the same. He did not offer me an explanation at his changed behavior. I know I asked him early on what was going on and he said he had not thought about it. It was that routine to him and that normal to him.
On a superficial level he thought everything was fine. If i was to say something he told me to dismiss it, to not let it get to me, to not be "so sensitive" (belittling of my experience, not good for our relationship). He would tell me I had to "toughen up". So instead of sharing and telling him things I would withdraw from him. I would also think I was too sensitive, as I know I am sensitive but I was not that sensitive as he wanted to make me think I was. My sensitivity has helped me a great deal in life, my emotional intelligence, it is a good quality to have, it is not something bad. But to him it was rubbish, but I guess it was because I was getting closer to the truth and the truth was not something he wanted to face about himself so it was better then he projected it on to me, which he did. He would think he was a good husband and father and did everything for us and not understand why I was withdrawing the way he felt I was doing. That he was sensitive too.

We too seriously needed help in the ways we fought. It's still difficult to think about. When therapy was up I can't get the image off my mind when he sat there, and said he thought our problem was that he thought I was very sensitive and he was too insensitive and we collided. He smashed his hands together when saying we collided and there was something so cold and angry in that gesture, it almost felt like a rejection in itself. Like he was angry with me you know? Disappointing in me? Reflecting if we should really be together or not. Still he was the one who had asked for this instead of us going separate ways.

Too why for years he would tell me that when I brought up the subject that the way we fought was not productive and although we had been able to sort out some issues there were recurring problems we could not solve and that these problems were getting to me, and I was not feeling well because of them, I feared this was just going to get worse. Instead of then listening to me, he would say that he did not think we had serious problems, he did not think we had problems at all, that this was about me, that I was so very sensitive. I think too the narc would tell him I was so sensitive and that he believed that. As if that would make what I had to say worth less and not be taken seriously. That it was a problem that I was sensitive. Not the very problems I pointed at. He would again and again when I brought it up dismiss it and tell me that he thought that because of what I had been through in the past that it had made me more sensitive and that I needed to work on what had happened in the past, before him, and that this was not about him or about us. That if I needed to go and see someone, professional, he would support that, but that he would not join me in couple/family counseling. That he would never put his foot there. I should have been strong enough then to tell him that I am not the one with the problem, we are, and the reason why I am feeling what I am feeling is because of the issues we are having, that is what is making me "sick". That if he would not go with me than I would have to leave him. I loved him but that I still had to leave him. The problem was by then I was partly brainwashed and partly too weak to say, do that. So I waited and waited. Almost in a way as I had functioned in the relationship with the psychopath, I was just in it. When I was in that relationship I knew I was unhappy. I knew I had not gotten over the old issues in our relationship, but I did not talk to him about it as he would not think it was a problem. So then it was my problem. Either I had to get out of my unhappiness or I had to get out. But I sort of stagnated and just walked around in it. On the surface I was numbed and polite and could smile but in a way it was as if my soul had already left me. That was why I think when the ex/psychopath had the talk with me it was the best thing he could have done. I realize later he wanted to humiliate me, that was his thing, and that he had no intention of letting me go, but that portion of air/freedom I got I took advantage of and realized it was now or never. It was a close never. And it was not about love. As I did not love him. It was about me having given up my own power, my own belief in myself. I had taken over what he thought about me to be the truth. I was someone who took too much responsibility for the relationship while he took too little. And that was the way he liked it. Of course.

I remember the time (I think I have written about it before) I stood in a store to try to find something to buy but everything was too big on me. So I finally had to ask someone who worked there if they had smaller sizes. And the woman told me if I was to find something smaller than I needed to go over to the children's department. Then it hit me. I was so underweight. I had not noticed that. I had been too wrapped up in everything else. And I realized he was killing me. The psychopath was killing me, even as I stood there, he was killing me. I decided I needed to eat something and would force that down. Perhaps that is why today I just love the feeling to enjoy food. That he no longer have that power over me. Strange thing was nobody told me while in the relationship that I was loosing weight. But there must have been signs I was not doing too good and it must have reflected on him. Perhaps people were starting to suspect something. And he was not the kind to take accountability for that. That would not make him look good. So again he tried to make it out as if it was me. Saying when I was tense it made him feel not good around me and that he rather be in the presence of his ex. What a sentence. I mean, Wow. Really? To say something like that, in a steady voice. What was so ironic about I can't even write about, but there was an ironic twist to this. The way he viewed himself, superior, is that he could just go back to his ex when ever he felt like it or go to me or go to someone else. As if everyone would just open up their arms to him. So why was not the ex there with him already then, if things had now been so great? How come I was there? He took no consideration in even asking me WHY I was tense. No concern for that at all. I think a normal boyfriend would have asked. But you see, he had no responsibility in that (he thought). Even if he would not have thought that, as a human being you ask the other one, is something wrong? I feel you are tense? Is there something I can help you with, so you will feel better? Even if it is not your fault, you still show sympathy, empathy to someone. But he did not have that. And he showed that. It made me see him for what he really was. Finally. No question about it. I think half of me knew before, and the other half was so numbed and self blaming and too weak to dare to leave. But it was not about love. But I misunderstood later on thinking just because I was no longer in love with this man that I was OK with everything that had happened, the abuse he had done to me. But it was 2 different things. And the bad thing about that is that kind of vulnerability can show off in your aura, so to speak, and you can fall into the very next abusive relationship, the pattern can go on and on. Had I worked through everything and remembered everything (I only had extreme few glimpses which in itself was a big warning sign) I would have stood strong and tall when my luv tried to tell me like a narc that what I was going through was my own problem, not our problem. Still with that said, when he would feel I was tense (at his parents home) he would ask me in private why was I tense? Was something going on? Could I please tell him? Had he done something? Said something wrong? What could he do?
And he did not know it of course, but his way of showing concern, possible saying oh its my fault, I'm so sorry, or what it now may be, was a blessing. Also that he has never ever said to me that me being tense was wrong, I think when I am tense I am strong, I have my shield on and I am ready for attack and to smash it down. I know there is danger lurking around. He's never said that when I am tense I make him feel that too and he don't like that. Instead it was more she is on to something, there is something wrong here, how can I help her?

Had I gotten panic attacks while still in the relationship with the psychopath - he would make that out as that would have been me. Had I been depressed - he would make that out as if that would have been me. And that he would play the good supportive fiance. He would have had built so much fear in me that even if I would have talked to someone (a professional) I would not dare to speak, as he had already built a system that I was to know that he knew many people and his family did and he could get to anyone at any time. This why too I was afraid that my journal would be something he could get access too. But the angel-psychiatrist saved me, and knew what he was about and how I was suppose to move forward. And I can still now remember the look of surprise in his face at one point as I was set to leave him and our life and everything. That his tactic had failed. That there was a drive in me he or nobody could get away from me.

I have read that those who are emphatic is more easy the target of such people because they recognize we have something (empathy) that they do not have and they could use that to their advantage.

I was always the mix of "what did I do wrong now?" to the "**** you back!".

Thank you for your understanding about the diets.
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  #24  
Old 12-05-2022, 05:38 AM
Izz Izz is offline
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Originally Posted by asearcher
Thank you for your understanding about the diets.

You're welcome. I remember years ago when I was still studying overseas, narc relative actually expected at some point I should eat one canned food per day (!!). Because I was shamed for my weight then

Honestly, I miss my old weight

Hang in there - regardless what anyone tells you about your appearance or weight, you are gracious, firm and intense and you deserve to stand your ground as well as to absorb in the current blessings in your present life

Quote:
Originally Posted by asearcher
He also makes himself as uninterested as it gets, and there for the narc pretty much leaves him alone with tactics. Because we were as close as we were before it was scary to me when he did the grey stone tactic as he disconnected from me, everyone, he was not the same

I understand. This was a developed, learnt survival coping mechanism he had to do. However, his inner work now is to truly understand the effects of this on other people around him - as the reality is he is no longer just the golden child that has to be with his bubble, the reality is he is at present a partner and father and needs to stand up further to the imposed limiting beliefs


Quote:
Originally Posted by asearcher
The psychopath was killing me, even as I stood there, he was killing me

I understand. Dealing with such emotional confusion, gaslighting, tricks - with a psychopath back then using structures to delude - even making one feel like "why are you making it out or will make it out as if im the one crazy or unbalanced" - had its challenges. You took yourself away from that situation physically. Sorry about how much that effected you

Hope my words helped

Thank you again for sharing hugs
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  #25  
Old 12-05-2022, 10:17 AM
Izz Izz is offline
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Originally Posted by asearcher
So instead of sharing and telling him things I would withdraw from him. I would also think I was too sensitive, as I know I am sensitive but I was not that sensitive as he wanted to make me think I was. My sensitivity has helped me a great deal in life, my emotional intelligence, it is a good quality to have, it is not something bad.

I understand. During the start of our relationship, my soulmate had thought I was very sensitive too. Through some time, he learnt to appreciate that sensitivity and became even more emotionally understanding after I revealed more to him certain things I had faced in my past

This doesn't mean he doesn't slip up though. In general I am more sensitive than he is, he is more grounded, practical, earth-like in quality compared to me (a few times I was baffled that for a water sign he behaves more like an earth sign). He still slips up at times

I learnt to be more self integrated though and I definitely see my sensitivity as well as intuition as there for a reason. At the very least it has helped others see solutions and see words articulated about what they had gone through when I understand

Quote:
Originally Posted by asearcher
The way he viewed himself, superior, is that he could just go back to his ex when ever he felt like it or go to me or go to someone else. As if everyone would just open up their arms to him.

Sorry to hear this, about that psychopath from the past. I tell folks that psychopaths or abusers like this, tend to isolate or use the effects of isolation with triangulation like that. Even if they appear outwardly generous or more balanced or even encouraged the effected victim to be with others / friends.

You removed yourself physically from such situations and even if you don't see it now fully yet but it was both your sensitivity and strong intuition that helped you too. You escaped. You liberated yourself seeing through him in a way that others couldn't (at least they don't know yet. Psychopaths may be more socially intelligent than the average, but they're still human and bound to slip up with red flags for the more sensitive intuitive empaths)

Keep learning those life lessons but continue to stand that ground for you
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  #26  
Old 12-05-2022, 06:46 PM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Izz, bless you heart, so many good things you write. Also I am happy you feel that you and your partner are combined in your differences, that it balances you out sort of :) It is very good he don't try to put you down with that you are "so sensitive" (like I have been).

I think for me I have learned the hard way that my luv has autism, at first I suspected another relative and it was all thanks to Traveler on this forum, but then it circulated back to him.

I think I have learned he has empathy, a great del of it, but his works a little different. There has been times when I think I have explained and think he ought to understand, because frankly I consider him very intelligent in ways that I am not, but still no he has not understood.

We needed a different way to communicate to each other and we were used to remaking the same mistakes, that was our pattern.

The right communication is the key.

Now I know that if he don't get my explanation even if he respects that I have it, it is when he is exposed to the same thing that he then gets it.

Took me a long time to do that. I never wanted to do that before as I did not want to be as bad as the thing I had pointed out was bad, I thought words were enough or should be enough.

I get those Aha! moments every now and then, when I at first think I am going to go about something the old way, to then learn to do so in another.

I am just hoping again that his "insensitivity" and his "fixation" with working out and weight (that is just one of his "fixations") will never again collide like it did before. I already have problems with people in my life who sadly look at some of their body parts with shame and always try to hide that and will not go and do fun stuff with me or be seen like that, because of it. I've tried to tell them to just sit back once and just watch people pass t hem by and realize we come in all sizes and what not, and that we should enjoy our lives and relax a little.

What has hurt me is that my luv even would have several talks with someone in my life who is ashamed of some body parts to the point of considering surgery (which this person did not need), and was nearly talked into doing it, so had someone in it's life who instead of saying you're beautiful the way you are, that someone tried to encourage this person to do surgery, and we all know surgery has it's risks.

My luv would talk and talk to that someone, saying this person did not need no surgery or surgeries and it's body was just great the way it was, and he would sit down an extensively amount of time, listening, replying. And I think it was very important at the time that that someone had someone like my luv who did that, just because he was another guy, and he did not at all agree with the other person who wanted that someone to undergo surgery.

I remember I felt so proud then that my luv was doing this, nobody had asked him to, and he knew this person meant a great deal to me and I did not want that someone to feel that way about it's own body. he did a good thing and he was genuine, he was authentic. He had empathy.

And what did he do to me? zero empathy, zero respect. the very body who had given birth to his own child, the body who loved his. And this is how he choice to say, do to me? So I would always remember? After everything we had been through? Because of that comment I have gotten all sorts of thoughts in my head, that what if he has imagined me being someone else when he makes love to me? I mean how could he have even missed how I looked when he had seen me the evening before, to then say something like that the next day? Make no sense. Too when I was starting to feel stable and happy and we were celebrating our reconsiliation and doing something fun. Then he chose to say it. Just out of the blue. Just like that.

I am afraid that I will feel bad this summer in his presence if I am to be semi naked or what I now might be, and I have never before been that conscious of my body, my weight like that before. He planted that insecurity in me. I feel just great when I am just by myself or around other people, I don't think about it then, but I know this is a trigger now for me. At the same time, almost each night I wake up and he is next to me as close as he can get, like even in his sleep he reaches out for me. It just feels as if I know I am going to go into one of the battles this summer with his narc parent but perhaps mostly with my own ghost in my head. My luv said it once, now it was pretty long time ago and even if he apologized and so on, it is still partly there. But I have promised myself if I feel better off without him, then I have to be without him then, because it is just ridiculous that I view my body in a more positive way than he does, and he then thinks he can sleep with me? No, I'm worth more than that. I don't want to get insecure again, and think I have to be thin and slim and what else in order to fit his criteria. I don't want the whole yes I know he loves me, but. That but.

I don't want to be the wife who he loves, and still in secret he wish I looked different than what I look. that he loves me. BUT. By now he hardly dares to say anything of course considering that sentence made me leave him before. It is still in my head, that sentence. Can't get it out.

I think all this has made me love him a different way. I stand my ground. I have taken back my power. But I am also afraid to love him the way I used to love him because that made me vulnerable, and he hurt me. So I am very conscious that I am not going to give him that power ever again.

I bet his narc parent would just love to know that my luv said what he said to me that time, wow, just a sentence his narc parent could have said too about me.

Love should be about making the one we love feel better about its body than it already does, better about everything, instead of pushing someone you claim to love down like that.

I swear it, if this summer goes bad in any way, if I notice I get insecure or will feel blue - I won't take it.

It was so stupid too because during our split he was to later say he was so jealous and to just know now I was single and I was to meet up with friends and so on, and if I was going to a gym (That I found out was a flirting center more than a gym), and that he found it to be hell that he was not allowed to even touch me in any way, he said it was especially one time when I came, and it was about us co parenting and it hit him that he had had it all in me and had now lost me, that he thought I looked so pretty, and I was also behaving as if I was holding everything up, even if it was hard for me too, but I remember those days too. I felt so much lighter. I was finally getting rid of the narc parent, I was finally getting rid of the hurt, the insecurity, the anger my luv had caused me, even if it was because of my slippy rock or not, I felt like myself again. I liked every inch of my body. I had never told him but there had been guys showing interest in me before when we were a couple even if I would never do anything. I just felt everything was going to be alright. I swear it, if he does this to me again, or even if any of my old thought ghosts get the upper hand of me, we won't last this summer.
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  #27  
Old 13-05-2022, 04:58 AM
Izz Izz is offline
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Hello again asearcher

I'm sorry to hear that your luv added to that kind of internal conflict in you, including about summer

This is why his inner work is about breaking away from that dysfunctional family member (your narc in law) - in terms of breaking away from the mental bars and chains. What I mean is for him to not recreate these few dysfunctional patterns passed down to him although he had to use the grey rock method as a learned survival coping mechanism

Inner work of that sort is necessary. Your luv needs to stop enabling that dysfunctional family member although he didn't intend to

I myself because of that toxic dysfunctional person related to me, had to do certain inner work for example, had to work in ensuring that I don't draw in any more women abusers (like that friend I told you about who kept accusing me and acted like I was hysterical but would expect me to help her with everything else)

I hope you can find some balance and comfort in little joys, as you do deserve both the little and big joys right now for being steady, firm, established with standing your ground

I completely understand that you know you deserve more than just a "he loves me but-" and that you deserve to be loved wholly. I hope you feel heard

Also, asearcher

Again I'm sorry about some of your experiences. Your luv needs to be more understanding, although I get the sense he is also taking steps to be better and had been sorry for what he'd done, but he still does need to do his inner work more thoroughly

You have been through certain things that you couldn't explain to others with the psychopath ex. I at times felt a bit alone in that I could see the reality of what psychopath abusers could did including mentally, but I have learnt to accept myself as in accept that I have the ability to see the truth even when others don't. Self acceptance is a step. Rather than be gaslighted - it's best to accept one has this sensitivity, intuition, empathy, a very developed 3rd eye for very, very good and very, very valid reasons. Those gifts liberate us - especially in balance

Last edited by Izz : 13-05-2022 at 06:00 AM.
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  #28  
Old 13-05-2022, 06:18 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Hi Izz, thank you so much. I cant get the words out of my head that your relative wanted you to eat that stuff. I swear I woke up in the middle of the night and thought "What the...!".

I am sadly aware that some women, older, think they need to "correct" the younger generations of women. For me it was my mom who would teach me old ways of how to hold my glas and stuff at parties and give me a stern look across the room if I didn't. But this was behavior. How I was to learn how to be accepted in any room. To understand all sorts of social codes.

I never grew up in a household where we put each other's bodies down. My parents were not at all like that nor any other male or female relative like aunts and uncles, grandparents. I have not at all been accustomed to this. It is so foreign to me that men think they are entitled to comment on women's bodies like that and I am still someone who has been here and there in the world. I know it was in one country I felt suddenly very exposed and objectified even with the dulliest dress on, and no make up and just walking barefoot, and it was an unpleasant experience, to not even be looked at as a human being, I swear it it felt as if I was suddenly in some dark wood with predators in the shadows ready to jump.

When I met my luv somewhere down the line I remember he would start to say stuff like he could not believe I did not weight more considering my appetite (hum!) and that I must have hit the gene lottery. Just because I did not hit the gym did not mean I did not care about what i ate or that I moved my butt around enough each day. Not everything has to happen in a gym or out running. And if I don't feel like or don't want to do any of that I still earn the same respect from others about my own body. Nobody has the right to speak that way to anyone, I don't care what that person think.

It is just that he takes things to, in my taste at least, to the extreme when he is caught up in something. It is in his perfectionism. It is when he goes on diets and intense work out programs. He goes too far. And he went too far with me.

I think too because I have been part of his family for so long and been exposed to this for so long...that I was run down when I finally told him I wanted a split (the first time), when he then thought now we do therapy. It was very difficult. I was just at the bottom and he had more energy to put into discussions and I was frankly just sick of hearing his voice and hating the fact that this is what I had asked of him so long ago, before I was this run down, before all of this got me unbalanced.

I have asked myself if he could be a narc himself, but then I know in all the little and big ways he shows his empathy without thinking about it or wanting something for it, his true kindness, and he is just complex, you know.

What is also a paradox about him is that he don't like attention but at the same time he can say stuff like but he is not happy right now in how his body looks, and who am I to argue but I have said to him that maybe it is not your body, it is the part of the body that you don't even consider - your brain. Your brain is somehow making you think you are not happy in your body when in my opinion you should be and you shouldn't be so miscontempt.

And sometimes, honestly I have thought - can he make up his mind? I mean his ex, "Miss Universe" was/is very beautiful, and he would go "and she knows it". Why would she not know it? Is it not OK that she knows that? But I guess it was something in the attitude, but then me, who he don't think has an attitude, what did I get? Insults.

I have thought to myself when we split up that I wonder what kind of woman he will be drawn to and in time introduce as a stepmom. I wonder what piece in him will be dominant. Will it be a working out freakess or what will it be?

It has also been a problem with his perfectionism, how the home has to look "Just so". All the time nothing he did or did not do got on my nerves, while he would be irritated at me and the home because I refused in the end to try to keep it up to his standard because his standard was just impossible when I needed to focus on being a mom first of all.

And that can hurt me that I am around someone who is irritated at me, when I don't get irritated. He would never see everything I had done, he would point out what I had missed and thought he was entitled to be irritated about that and that I had to explain myself. I was not explaining anything. I would explode at him asking what was wrong with him. He goes too far in my opinion, and when you have been exposed to it for so long, it takes one comment, and you have a strong reaction to it. And maybe others can say yes that was insulting but was it really that bad that you had to leave him because of it, and I say yes because that comment stood for something. Not something I want in a husband. And not on me. And def not so children can hear that and think that is an OK thing to say from one human being to another.

I have prepared so if we are to split again I have all the documents I need to bring forward how unhealthy I think mentally speaking those kind of words are around children. I will not permit a child to be around that. I have my foot in the school, the nurse, the whole she bang. I am not afraid to speak. I have spoken before. It will be over my dead body that a child in this household will be exposed to hearing adults speak this way, grandparent in particular, even if that is not directed at the child. I have already seen the result from this. This is like a ticking bomb. Somehow my luv did not think a child could be start to think what is wrong with my body then? or ok so I can speak this way about someone else's body? NO you can not. We have to represent something else as adults. I will not have an adult in my child's presence, empower that adult, to say and behave that way. I as a parent is the one to decide who gets to hang around my child or not. My luv knows what I am talking about and I think he nearly **** his pants, sorry the expression. I think it was time he nearly **** his pants. I have also said it is a privilege for a grandparent to be around it's grandchild but it has no legal right what so ever. That is just something in our culture. Just because I wanted to be nice. I don't play nice no more. But that is how it has to be with some people before they respect boundaries. You have to have a god dam knife at their throat (mentally speaking) before they back off.

It is so great that you have recognized the female narc in your life and that you won't put up with it in others. Women should be about supporting each other, lifting each other up, not dragging us down.

I hope too you will feel stronger in time and get distance if not no-contact with the narc in your life, they have a way of spreading their sickness around. Some are just too toxic to have in your life.

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Old 13-05-2022, 06:40 AM
Izz Izz is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asearcher
I never grew up in a household where we put each other's bodies down. My parents were not at all like that nor any other male or female relative like aunts and uncles, grandparents. I have not at all been accustomed to this.

You are honestly fortunate for this (sorry I hope this doesn't come off as patronizing, but it is from my perception) as I've had to deal with toxic relative that puts down about appearance, pressures and even makes comparisons to dehumanize another (once a paternal relative of mine was put down, being called 'oh shes not lucky in those relations because of how she looks and see she likes the color purple too much' something weird like that)

We have similarities and differences in our experiences overall

This is how I know that your luv needs to do his inner work of breaking away from that dysfunctional family member of his - not only physically, but more so mentally and it's most important as to 1) not recreate the few dysfunctional patterns 2) not to enable passing down limiting beliefs to children

As for my soulmate partner, he is always encouraging and affirming about my physical appearance (being that my love language is words of affirmation). He said that he appreciates how beautiful and sweet looking I am. He comforts when I ask for it. Albeit he slipped up on occasions with the comments about the outfits I was wearing, he tries to take accountability. Thankfully he does not have a dysfunctional family member that causes him to act out in any way. I am still learning life lessons with him in this path. Of which I've said he teaches me to live in and seize the moment (being more in the present)

Quote:
Originally Posted by asearcher
I have been part of his family for so long and been exposed to this for so long...that I was run down when I finally told him I wanted a split (the first time)

I am really sorry to hear about how you were run down. This is why his inner work is a priority. And not only just physical removal from the dysfunctional family member - but also mental chains. Mental chains as in he must disrupt that enablement of which he could potentially pass those limiting beliefs to his children - and it feels like you were put in his path to make him do just that. To be the "Stop sign" to him, the "stop sign" that tells him "NO YOU ARE NOT TO PASS DOWN THESE LIMITING BELIEFS. NO MORE." Hugs

From what you've described to me, he doesn't sound like he's a narc, albeit you know him better than I do. however when you first described him to me, if you remember I asked you if he was the golden child because I could detect that kind of victimization from him - and what inner work he needs to get done

About that paradox - this is something that a golden child unfortunately got subjected to - contradicting beliefs, as imposed by such a dysfunctional family of origin. Yes, that's unfortunate he was victimized that way. BUT he is now a father, a partner, and thus I emphasized a few times his responsibility in not passing down the limiting beliefs - and getting the FULL EFFECTS of what that "grey rock method survival coping mechanism" can do to others around him

Yes I have recognized the effects of the toxic woman relative in my life. I myself had to deal with some contradictions you see? Why I have had more male friends than women friends in my lifetime. Why I used to draw in woman abusers like that accusatory friend I told you about, which mirrored the toxic one in my life. Why I must now keep certain intentions and goals in life to myself. Etc

That's inner work

This May, perhaps it is also good to focus on the little and big joys right now, at present, although certain things do frustrate us
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Old 13-05-2022, 07:43 AM
Izz Izz is offline
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I understand, asearcher

Someone else once told me "Certain soulmates enter our lives and their only purpose is to help us actualize our greatness and to help us in taking those big questions involving the Self"

"Compared to a negative karmic relationship, soulmates are ones who care about us the most, vs a karmic lover whose only concern is of their own needs"

There are those who glamourize soulmate relationships. But are they ready to face the Self, which they will have to do when in a soulmate relationship? It's what some would say, there's the triggering of "tower moments" or "dark night of the soul"

We understand what it's like

With the soulmate, in some ways it's almost the perfect love. Almost. At times it be like déjà vu. But there's those triggers and challenges, some we cannot articulate. In fact, to the extent that really deep, shattering doubts become present. We could even feel betrayed and heartbroken by those doubts caused - again words can't capture it

Nonetheless, they help us tackle certain big questions involving the self - that's why we are with them currently. There's life lessons we are undergoing and learning

For me - because he complements me, despite the frustrations I've had - he really does teach me in certain ways how to "live for the moment" and appreciate certain things I used to take for granted. In the current circumstances, he is the support I need in my life and vice versa

I guess I also see this May with further clarity - why my soulmate is my soulmate, and why my tf is my tf for example

Last edited by Izz : 13-05-2022 at 10:45 AM.
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