I don't think this is fair but can't get through

Me and my luv see something differently, it has never created an argument or fight between us but it is still something we see differently. He and a child think the same way and it is not the way I think.

When that child is away, have activity etc it can be that another child has none and when I have then come up with ideas what we can do instead he says we have to wait or else the other child will feel envy and left out.

It is now a long list of things we can not do because he thinks this way. The other child has always been used to waiting and always when it has been for example given something it always asks if the other child can to be given that, saves that and give it when seeing this child, so I would say this child is used to being considerate and do not wish to the other child to feel left out, but I feel this child is being left out as the other child has activity etc and the other one is merely waiting to do things "as a family", "together".

I don't think this is fair. I don't know how to express myself to be understood. I do not want the other child to feel envy or left out and lots of times I compensate, if let's say I have been doing something with one child, I then do it with this other child (without dad and we enjoy that just as much).

I bet that if I or we find something else that one child think is fun, the other child will then think that too and maybe it will then that too be added to the long list which is what has happened before. The activities does not have to cost anything, it isn't that.

I have tried to tell my luv and the other child that it is busy doing activities etc while the other child then has nothing to do - and is that fair? But it is as if they don't understand me. The other child won't speak up for itself and I thin it is because it think so much of the other child as well.

[lostsoul13]

Mmmh can be difficult there’s at least 30 of Carly’s in my clan~ and even though they are different holidays can be a pain and having one on one one with each of them can become quite difficult- I put in the effort and there wasn’t a hour of the day that went by without me spending time with them- but they love their sisters dearly and spend a lot of time playing ect it’s great to see because the imagination is working little or so often.

Holidays can be mental; trying to provide for a whole clan— can be taxable!!!

You have to have your head in the right place: so you can give equally… I’m not sure if they are bothered other than they were born on me.. there’s older ones also in my clan- we car far back in to hundreds, getting a table is a nightmare opting to do traditional meals and celebrations. At one point I had 30 of them/ all went to suspended animation (they didn’t die) and I’m trying to best reincarnation to them , so I can be with them as a jumper-

I’ve got faith I’ll manage it all one day but I can’t say the relief of not having children is as bad as having to face reincarnation!!! Head on ; I can’t get of this journey than straight forward continuum into death and rebirth..

I faced the numbing fact reincarnation is ‘smoking me out’ as my spirit/ soul isn’t getting hit than the avarta is: so suspended animation is.. head out of that I can feel I’m not fit too be a father… I probably am the best for them because I couldn’t love them enough but as far as reincarnation comes pain seems to be my child; and facing that I can face anything!!!

I couldn’t imagine leaving a child out but there could seem time for one on ones later—- each child deserves a chance: doing group things tend to work!!

I’m grieving so much..

I know I haven’t lost them completely… but I’ve lived on ..

Being single once you had opened a big present like that is tiresome and lethargic numbness even.. the hours of the days away in the days of the month..

I don’t resent being alone just reincarnation..

I doubt he resents the child..

Maybe you should suggest doing things as a group??

I'm sorry you miss them and I understand at least to some point I think about you being tired of the reincarnation. I have thought about what if it never stops and there is another reason for it than for us to get wise enough and then no more, then we're safe in a heaven, what if someone feeds off our energies, feelings, while here on earth and have it as their best interest to just keep us reincarnated? I think this thought creep upon me as I noticed low levels or what they could be were feeding off our fears as if it is dinner, made me think that our feelings can be used for this to other beings, maybe all feelings?

I agree with you he does not at all resent the other child. I think he is just so afraid that the other one will feel left out but he can't get it into his head that it is in fact the other child who just accepts doing nothing then while the other one is away, that is the one left out.

I think bottom line is that he is afraid that the other child (who is away on activities or just simply away for some time, can even be it is just doing a sleep over with a friend) will feel that the child that is with us is favored and all along I have felt it is too much so in the other direction (no fault to the child of course, neither of them, this is us grown ups making this all up).

Now I can't even go for a walk and to a playground with the other child as he tell me the one not with us will feel envy. I can't do a sport with the other child when the other child is not with us. we can't go swimming, for instance.We can't go shopping. We can't go for a coffee place and buy something for the other child and us enjoying ourselves. We can't walk in the woods. We can't, we can't, we can't... We are down to zero now.

He is sensitive to the other child's expression if, when told something we have done while it has been away and will later tell me this was no good, that if feels left out. He's so willing to please this child (it is a wonderful, lovely little human being so I get that) but I feel his fears takes over, and me and the other child is paying for it.

I have seriously asked them that us staring into a wall while the other child can go off and have fun is not fair but it is as if they just look at me, as they don't seem to understand my point. I'm at the point where I have sneaked off the other child and for me to have arranged something and not told him about it until afterwards and then he can be like why didn't you tell me, why did you have to do that, now you know (so and so) will feel left out and will find out.

He has paid for activities for one child (that can now and then be away) but not for the other one so I have then tried to compensate by us doing various things or just arrange for a friend to come over etc, and doing stuff that are free to do but still something. But no, he won't allow that either.

Is this because he is on the autism spectrum? Or has nothing to do with that? I don't know. It must be down to fear in some way and he does not seem to get my thinking.

I have noticed for years it is the same way with his parents, that they sort of try to overcompensate as if they think that the one child who is away sometimes will somehow feel left out and so it gets much more praise and what ever it does there are comments that this child does it better and I have to then cut in between and say that yes this child does that good but so does (the other child) or the other child is good at this because the other child is listening to all of this and it can be at times when the other one is not even there.

I have heard so many comments by now from the one child who is not away at times that it does not think it is as pretty or as good at this or that as the grandparents has made inconsiderate comments. I don't allow any unsupervised visits. I would have had it only been one grandparent, but the narc grandparent has always I feel favorite the other child that is at times away, manipulates it and that is no good either.

I have thought about if it is down to looks, when the other child was born my luv joked and said is this really my child as it was a duplicate of me and he and almost everyone had expected you would see him in the child. Perhaps because I have not felt welcomed in the family because of the narc grandparent neither will the child that looks like me be?

[Traveler]

And instead of restricting what can be done with one child because the other is not there. Why not do the opposite where each child has a standing date twice a month (one with each parent) where they spend one on one time doing something together that the child enjoys? The kids will look forward to having this special one-on-one time with their mom and dad separately and it will give mom and dad a chance to bond with each child.

And then the other issue won't matter so much. But I think both kids should be treated equally. If one gets an extracurricular activity, so should the other child. If one child has the opportunity to do a sleepover, so should the other child.

[FairyCrystal]

Depends on many things, you make it too black and white I think.
It depends on the children's ages, and also if the active child chooses to have these activities or is made to by parents, AND it depends on the activity you would do with the other child.
If for instance the one has an event and you decide to go to a theme park or a zoo with the rest of the family without him/her, yep, that's not cool.
That's a family outing. Then you can ask the child with activity planned, "We want to make plans to go to XYZ. Do you want to join in or aren't you into that?" And plan it when all can join in. If the one kid is so busy he can never join in, then you plan without him/her. Would be insane if the family and other child could never go to a theme park, zoo, etc. because the sibling chooses to not join. That's not fair. So you see, not black and white. Communicate!

Other things that aren't necessarily (big) family outings can easily be done with the other child. You as a parent have to be a mediator here and make sure that one child doesn't miss out on fun just because it isn't into activities so much.
Kind of silly for the entire rest of the family to be stuck because of that. There's no need, but just be open and communicate with the more active child so he/she has a say and can choose.
And to be honest, that child also has to learn to compromise and to know that the world won't stop because he/she is going away.
But again, it depends on what you want to do, age, and you just have to be open and discuss this. "We want to go XYZ this afternoon, are you okay with not being there because you are going to .... "

And if your man is difficult about it, then yes, you can go by yourself with the one child. Life doesn't come to a screeching halt because 1 family member is doing something. If that happens once, okay. But all the time, that is indeed not fair. No reason you can't all have fun, even when 1 is doing something separate.
This is something you as a parent can teach your children. You are the one in control, the one with the guidelines of right and wrong, not the other way round. In the end it is healthier for children to have had a good structure in the family than not.

Thank you very much Traveler & FairyCrystal for your perspectives and ideas on the matter where I feel as if I have gotten stuck on my perspective and he on his.

I have thought some more about this and maybe I am seeing it from the wrong angle. Please you have to excuse me if the below is a little scramble here and there. I'm gonna try to get to the point.

The child only has activities it wants to have and is very devoted to that.

When the child is away (not just on activities but away but maybe still then doing something, some sort of activity and/or fun stuff) it is as if my luv perhaps? see it as a form of competition. He always waits for the child to return and then he plans something so he don't do that when the child is away. This can cost money but it does not need to be that way.

While the child is away, if I buy something for one child that is not away I always buy 2 of those and so when the other child returns it always gets that too. This is something we have always felt like doing, important to us, for the child to always know we think of this child and that it is fair. We of course do not count on anything in return. We just want to do this ourselves, our situation is different. I can't think of not doing it this way and if I was to ever slip up and not do it - the other child will for sure automatically think of this other child. It likes to bring what it now is always to the other child too when they see each other.

The child that has activities and is sometimes away usually call me or me the child every day and/or text message. The child will call me at work but will not call the child's dad at work, just to use an example. The child will love to hang out at my work but not at it's dad's work. And more than welcomed too. If lets say I brought one child with me to work and not the other - the other will then feel left out. There has been times I have taken the child with me to work (but not the other) and that is because of practical situations, nothing I can help, but even that my luv then feel is something, and it is something apparently, that the other child then will feel left out of even if has been well taken cared off or so in the meanwhile. It is as if I can't win this thing. I feel cornered no matter what I try to do. He says he can't bring the child to his work, so I bring the child to my work, but even that is then wrong thing for me to do.

I understand that going to the Zoo for instance is a family thing, but it seem to me as through the eyes of my luv and also this child they consider things that I don't consider to be family things to do together.

Example if the child has an activity (sport) and I am then doing an activity with the other child (not the same activity but still a sport), then the other child can then get, says my luv "taken back", "hurt" by this and "left out", even if this activity is only with me and not with the child's dad.

We are like I mentioned before somewhere (sorry I know I write too much) that I am now down to zero options of what we could be doing except for grocery shopping that is if that counts that will not make the other child feel left out.

If lets say we have given the children choices if to go and do something with dad or with me or both and the child with the activity choses dad and go off and do this, it can there after ask us when will it be doing what we had been doing in the meanwhile with just me. Now lets say both activities cost money I can't do it straight away but say sure thing I'd love to do that with you too (and I mean that of course) but we have to wait to do it.

When, if the child has gone away and can for instance send pics or the adult it is in care of at the time send pics (either to dad or me then, usually dad) and we during that time go off and do something else, it is as if no matter what we do, my luv still feel bad about it. Like he can't loose that feeling. But about now I don't care about that and has told him we also have to do something with the other child, our lives can't just stand still each time this other child is away. That right now you know your child is enjoying itself, and so is the child with us. But it is as if he keeps missing the child that is away and that it should be with us when we do this thing.

I think he is very concerned with that the child might feel left out, so much so that he leaves out that the other child that is with me or us, is to me the one who is left out of activities and fun stuff.

[Traveler]

I think maybe it's time to have a family discussion and let the kids tell their dad how they feel. He's projecting his feelings of rejection onto his kids. I suspect he felt rejected by his family a lot growing up. Did it ever occur to him that in his desire to not let one child feel left out that he is actually making the other child feel left out?

[FairyCrystal]

Your story is very difficult to read and thus difficult to understand.
Maybe come up with a thought-off name for each child so it's a better read.

In any case, I feel you're making things difficult for yourself. You just have to decide where you stand on things and how you want it. Then discuss it with your partner. If he's difficult about things, well, then make a decision for yourself. Go alone with the child or not. And if not, then accept that too.
As for buying things for the children, again it depends on what it is. A real pressie or something like an ice-cream?
Seems to me you carry a lot of misplaced guilt. Remember the one child is away having fun too. If that child feels left out because you have fun with the sibling then you got some education to do. It's that child's choice to not spend time with the family and that automatically means he/she won't be part of everything the rest of said family undertakes.
It seems rather weird if that kid would then feel entitled to you all staying home until he/she has returned.

Like I said before: you really need to communicate with everyone and first and foremost with the partner. And if he won't budge, then make up your own mind of what's right for the children. THEY are more important than a grown up's issues. Children's well-being comes first.
And then talk with the children.
And really, it sounds as if you are all making the one without activities feel obliged to go out on a limb for the other one. Seems that one, with the activities, gets it all, the rest all get the short end of the stick.
It may not be quite that bad, but if you want things to be equal, make sure they are.
And when raising 2 kids of my own I've learnt it's NOT about the goodies you give, it's all about giving each child what it needs. Each child is different, even when siblings, and requires its own approach.
That has always been my point of view and starting point, and if I'd have to raise kids again I'd do it the exact same way as then you truly give each child what it needs.

And then you weave in the family stuff and fun. Everybody happy :) And if not, again you talk.

Originally Posted by Traveler

I think maybe it's time to have a family discussion and let the kids tell their dad how they feel. He's projecting his feelings of rejection onto his kids. I suspect he felt rejected by his family a lot growing up. Did it ever occur to him that in his desire to not let one child feel left out that he is actually making the other child feel left out?

I agree with you. No he seem to think that child is in a preferable position, but it is his own quilt coming from somewhere else and as you wrote possible because of own rejections-experience/s in the past. He need to get a grip/a reality check.

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Your story is very difficult to read and thus difficult to understand.

I'm sorry about that. I thought about naming one A and the other one B but then again that would not be fair either ;) I'm just kidding you. No, really I'm sorry about that. I agree it was somewhat difficult even for me reading it even if I had written it myself, hi hi, to understand which child was what.

Thank you so for making it any way, and taking the time to respond.

Yes, that is too what I think, to give each child what that child needs, to make it strong within with who it is and what it wants, every child have it's own personality. I'm only here to loan it for a while, it's on it's own mission in life :)