About other people's fear

[astralsuzy]

Originally Posted by asearcher

today as he was driving and me as passenger he looks at me and was close to hitting a cyclist who was about to cross the road.

I would not get in the car with him again. How would you feel if he hit the cyclist? I know you would feel awful. It is still awful even if you were not in the car. It seems like it is a matter of time before something bad will happen.

Yes, I agree with you Astralsuzy.

I did it because we had talked about this so many times by now, he had apologized lots of times, he said he would keep his eyes on the road, it was one of the last things we agreed upon even if he thought I was overreacting nagging him about it.

His driving went fine and then suddenly and I saw the cyclist coming at full speed before so I had a feeling if it turned to cross we had to get ready to stop, no car behind us. And it did.

I'm not sure we had an obligation to stop but either way the cyclist was of that opinion and I would never want on my conscience that we hit somebody. Especially not a cyclist. When I am a cyclist I make sure I know the cars are going to slow down, that they see me before I cross, but that's me. I'm better safe than sorry. When I'm driving he thinks I drive too slow at times, but I don't, I know that is a risk too.

I know lots of times people complain and say if something had happened then it isn't their fault, but the result is still the same that someone is hurt or even dead because of it. Who cares then about who is right. Both has of course thought they were right in lots of cases. It's not worth it. It's so not worth it.

[astralsuzy]

It looks like you got it sorted out and your partner did nothing wrong. A cyclist came and he was not doing the right thing. The cyclist could have got himself hurt or killed and it would have been horrible for everyone. You did the right thing by stopping even if the cyclist was in the wrong. It would be awful to hit a cyclist or anyone.

You sound similar to me. I ride a push bike. I do not ride on busy roads. Where I live the roads are not meant for cyclists.

I drive slower than my husband and he complains. I say I just like to drive just under the speeding limit. My husband says he likes to keep up with the traffic. I say that is why a lot of people get fined.

I would just like to add this. I suspect that there is an "anxiety gene" in my luv's first family, inherit, and one of the signs (there are plenty of signs of this that i recognize when I got the information of them all) could be the OCD.

He has by now re-learned his system to not go "crazy" when the home is not just perfect etc, like he did before, which used to for sure drive me "crazy" in return. So on the home front all is well now.

I would have liked some of that "order in da house"-mentality though to go into his driving as in him keeping his eyes on the road at all times, but strangely to me he is now too relaxed in my opinion on the road.

What is surprising to me when it comes to his first family and to him (I focus now on his parents) is that I am sure that underneath that tough surface that there is fear there. There is more fear there than what ought to have been there.

What I don't get is that for example what i suspect is going on with my luv's parent/s, who have so much fear, anxiety in their system, that they don't meet other people's fear in a validating way before they, to me, go the wrong way, of trying to make the fear go away. But I guess it is because they have not handled their own fear in the right manner? And that is how they can end up with OCD, for instance. And because they can't help themselves, then they cant be of any assistance to someone else?

I found an interesting video on the subject of trauma, how it gets stored up in the body and even in the genes for coming generations (the anxiety genes) and the pro and cons of that.

I hope it is OK I post it here? (It is divided into 3 videos). I'm just picking out the 2/3 here

How Trauma gets Trapped in Your Body and Nervous System 2/3

Thank you Astralsuzy : ) Yes then we are def alike you and I.

Originally Posted by Izz

I am sorry to hear that asearcher

Thank you, that is good of you to "say". I agree with you.

It is as if he has 2 ways of approaching fear in someone else. One is to do what he did to me but this was extreme. The other is to joke it off, to make an instant shift. None is really working for the one turning to him when afraid.

There has been situation in the past when something unexpected happened and he was later surprised and told me so that the children that time all ended up clutched to me, and not a single one of them on to him. And he could not understand that as he had the physical means to in all honesty protect them while I had less to none compared.

There are also things I have been told but with comment that don't tell dad (my luv) and I won't. Then one day that someone can tell me "Now you can tell dad" and I ask if it is not better that someone tell dad, and it goes no, want you to do it. Then that someone can be in the same room by own free will. And it can nod and so on as if I am telling it right. And he looks puzzled. He has asked later if I think that someone is afraid of him but I don't think that is it, but I do think that he is not as receptive as he should be when someone shows fear.

I know it is not ideal, it is as if I am hiding something from him, but I think it is better that someone dares to at least tell one of us instead of either of us, but he has said he has felt left out and as if I am keeping things from him but I was told in confident. If I was to tell him even me knowing that someone don't want that, is ready for that, then I will loose that person's trust in me. If I push too far and is on that someone to also tell dad I might risk that that someone will not tell me either the next time or to have regret to having told me before and/or don't trust that I will keep it.

I think that if he changes his approach when someone shows fear, insecurity about something he too will be the one who gets to hear things first.

[Izz]

I have to commend you again for that willpower and integrity you showed in throwing the wrench in what was the vicious cycle. I know I said it before but still

Also I replied your PM

Thank you so Izz, so kind of you : )

I understand from his perspective if this is all he has been shown himself from early years how to react when someone is afraid he did not understand what I got so upset about.

[Izz]

I understand. My opinion is that the best for him is to further mentally detach from his dysfunctional family of origin (being liberated from such dysfunction starts mentally first even before physically)

And you exposing the loophole and adding in the wrenches to the mentioned cycle helps

I looked it up and it is one of the things listed as mental, verbal abuse to frighten your partner and to then laugh at her being afraid. he did not laugh but he was making fun of the situation as to undermine me before I exploded at him.