family nightmare

we got a serious narc on my husband's side and almost as far as i can remember this parent in law creates scene (although of course always innocent, no accountability) at other people's events, big days. yet they keep on inviting this parent in law because there is this variable degree on them all on what to do.


there are now these formal events where my husband has to leave my side and i just now how it has been in the past that this is the moment the parent in law sees its opportunity to say, do dumb things to me.

the whole problem is really that the parent in law is this huge baby on the inside and craves an enormous amount of attention and as a guest it's not it's day so it then creates something, can be good, can be bad, what ever it takes to get attention. attention is the most important thing.

i have told my husband i contemplent on not going and he says I got to go, and also because I have noticed family members on his side genuinly do like me and want to form and have formed their own relationship with me away from the narc, and that I will then let them down.

I wish to stand my own ground and not like in the past where I took steps back in order to not create a scene, not give the narc in a way what it wanted, but at the same time it was on the expense of my dignity.

I have told the narc before stuff that should remind the narc to behave but of course it does nothing. It's partner is very much in the background, has taken on a position inferior to the narc, and when there has been scenes this parent leaves with the narc.

something this narc likes to do is to afterwards act as if it is the better part and "apologize" to its victim or victims but it dont mean it and it is more as if it does it in a way as if that is the grown up and the victim or victims are the ones that are responsible.

i have heard nervous comments already about the hesitation of inviting this narc but still feel obligued to do so. there is a different set of having woken up to what this narc is about by various family members. not everyone is as awoken as we are by now. so they keep inviting the narc in. yeah. How fun.

i dont know if I will go by my new me and not be afraid to voice my opinion if the narcs tries something with me, there by unfortunately give this narc attention it craves from everyone. Or to just be silent, ignore and look the other way. when people do that it usually raises it's voice again and again til others say oh stop it etc.

one thing this narc likes to do is to complain about other people's looks, their choice of wardrobe and make fun of people. it likes to heighten one moment and put down the next. it is one full blown circus show really to watch the narc in action. or it will sulk, stare threatening or make noises, threatening such, say stuff like "I will say no more" (also threatening). it also likes to when the victim is isolated to say nasty things to then pretend it never said it in the first place or that there must have been a misunderstanding.

what has surprised me is that after all these years the other parent just goes along with everything, i would have dumped that narc a long time ago.

needless to say i think they are more isolated because of how badly the narc can behave and does behave, but who is last to go ? Family.We're stuck. there is always new people to draw in but sooner or later they will have distance if no contact, and who blames them.

i am in conflict if i should act like my new me, and i don't want to go back to the old me, if i should go at all, or what.

I have refused to go in the past where there was almost this meltdown by especially someone desperate for me to come but ended up with the narc and its followers, and not me there anyhow, it has been sort of bitter hurt about it, but would the moment we met again (I then rearranged for something so we were to meet anyhow) long hugs etc, no hard feelings between us. almost everyone in the family pretends everything is normal and has spend years doing what the other parent in law is doing which is to clean up after each conflict . its crazy. because my husband has a different role to fulfill at the events he can't be with us 24/7. he says there will be a scene or questioning on why we (me and any child with me) will not be there on these events if we don't show up. i don't trust the narc around any child, and so I will not permit any child to go without me there as the protector.

[astralsuzy]

If I have this correct what you are saying is, your partners family members like you and there is a problem with the other person the narc. If it is just that one awful person then perhaps you could go. I am in a similar position with family gatherings when my sister in law is there. When I see her I am polite, nice and I keep my distance from her as best as I can. I do not get into conversations with her. I ignore her the best I can without being nasty. If you go, ignore the narc, do not get into a conversation with this person. If you do that then you could surprise yourself and have a good time. If this narc likes to complain about peoples looks and other things ignore it. Pretend you did not hear and the person is not there.

Thank you so Astralsuzy, I will try to remember that :) If I now go that is

Ive reflected some more on this and have decided I/we will go, thanks Astralsuzy! :). even if the narc has in the past divided the family, and tried to keep just it's son and grandhildre , these are not the narc's events, and the ones inviting us have never shut me out. I will go for their sake and for my husband's. If something happens it happens but I will try to enjoy myself and as I by now have a nose for this (been trained for this in a way) I know before something is about to happen so then there is time to avoid that, at best shot.

In a way I feel both sorry and frustrated with my husband's family situation. The rest is very family oriented and do nothing but forgive and forget and try to keep everything together and this is something the narc take full advantage off. I'm not saying anyone is perfect, I'm not perfect, but the way the narc has been carrying on for years with it's enabling parter not breaking free, it shouldn't have a family such as this one, don't deserve one like this. It can turn it on and off so it always knows what it is doing and it is hurting it's own family, it's upsetting to watch how everything unfolds even if I know the drill by now. The other family members don't deserve this.

Before and I don't know if still so the narc used to get it's narc supply (other people's admiration and other fuels) outside the family and this is something the other parent accepted, while still being isolated, not part of that world, the narc was not interested in being a parent, the family means more to the other parent, than to the narc.We're not treated as family, none of us are by the narc, just objects it can play with for its own amusement.

[lostsoul13]

Great to hear your going!

Stand your ground: pull them out on the things they try to pass off..

Your memory isn’t fooling you!!

[Izz]

Psychologically speaking - Backhanded comments, digs, subtle put-downs are the energy leech's means to covertly make the target feel small while making himself or herself feel larger

I know you are strong, firey, assertive, logical and can see yourself through the fog with what you decide yourself to do

Originally Posted by lostsoul13

Stand your ground: pull them out on the things they try to pass off..

Your memory isn’t fooling you!!

I agree with this

Thank you both so very much, so kind of you : )

The latest is I have learn is that tensions are running high in that household. the way the narc has operated is to do things behind it's partners back and then when it is exposed ... the other parent has been passive in the past but now it is as if it understands it is loosing parts of its family and not ready to do that. could be because of this the narc won't try anything else as we have exposed the narc's actions in the past and too i have confronted the narc with no good results I might add but I guess I have shown that I am not afraid of the narc and it's tricks don't work on me. Then again I think I have understood once and for all that this is a personality disorder. The movie just starts over. In one way I think the narc gets it and in another - not. I can't say how much the others will stand for and how many times they are willing to have good times destroyed by the narc or how long they will stand to allow themselves to be inferior and to be manipulated.

it is difficult to be around the narc when i see it use sick tactics against others as it remind me of my ex who was believed to be a psychopath. he was doing such things too and even if i did not know they were called tactics back in the day I knew what he was doing and tried to stop him. Perhaps it was then I learned, understood, I could read people more so than some but unfortunately so could he, but he did not use it to protect other people, he only used it for the wrong reasons.