Religious Trauma and Relationships

[AncestralEchoes]

Wondering if anyone else here has experienced religious trauma and how that has impacted ongoing family relationships?

I was raised in a cult-like Christian home where abuses were interwoven with faith, and while I have found my way through most of the difficulties of that, my closest family members have not. They are unable to fully accept me where I am and often do and say things that bump up against old wounds. Their total immersion in the thoughts, language, and perspectives of a sect that disrespects and demonizes all other beliefs is toxic to me and I am struggling with how to be around them safely. For now I am keeping my distance, but I do love them and don't want to disengage completely. That would hurt me almost as much as being judged in this way, so it's a true catch-22.

I'd like to say that I have healed well enough to manage the relationships with grace, but seeing the most hurtful messages of my youth passed on to the younger generation is very, very tough. I welcome any suggestions and personal experiences that might shed some light!

[RedEmbers]

Hey AncestralEchos,

Welcome to the forum :-)
I wish that I had some words to help you! This sort of experience is a little bit similar to codependency and enmeshment trauma within families, specifically involving a cult. It helped me personally to understand the inbuilt narrcicisim within such organisations and to do my healing around narcissist wounds. I found a useful resource online for that if you would like, I can share the name with you through a direct message.

I have been through religious abuse yes and it created alot of fearful thoughts and feelings about God and my own self worth. I feared a God who would destroy me should I ever get well and break free. Thankfully this church fell apart and all of my family members eventually moved on and slowly healed. The church itself unfortunately splintered off into other organisations and is stronger, particularly in the United States as it tends to feed the strongest off the fear signatures in the United States specifically around themes such as the end times, Revelations in the bible.

There are support groups specifically for child survivors of the church I was raised in, perhaps there might be some support groups for yours as well.
Also, finding a therapist with specific experience in cults is a bonus.

Somatic therapy is based on getting physical trauma from emotional wounds out of the body. It has a knock on effect to indirectly heal relationships around you as well as you release and transform the relationship with yourself and reinstate your connection to yourself and to your divinity and connection to a Loving creator or an all loving source of self.


Much kindness and well wishes for you.

[lostsoul13]

My father is Arabic and a Muslim but I was raised in foster care with Christians- I was made to go to church but I was there mainly for the social aspect of it.. I made lots of friends, and did lots of activities… I was torn between the two but I’m more zen spiritual…

I understand the conflict and the way they push down to you their beliefs and even being adopted I was in conflict with their methods.

I think until your old enough to break away from them and embrace your own beliefs without being forced - otherwise it creates uncomfortable and unnecessary feelings and situations…

It was easier for me I can cut ties because they ain’t ‘family’ and heal from the trauma…

As far as your situation goes I would keep doing what your doing having space and setting firm boundaries between you both that way they know you won’t be established in their beliefs but yet you understand-

[AncestralEchoes]

Thank you both for your insights and for sharing your stories. I'm always sorry to hear others have gone through this too, but I know it's not uncommon. I agree @RedEmbers, it can be a particularly insidious form of narcissistic abuse.

I thought I had worked through most of the personal fallout utilizing therapy and a few of the methods mentioned(including cutting ties with some family members), but now my offspring has converted and is going down the same path. I tried to be supportive and optimistic that the chosen church wasn't anything like what I experienced, but when the overt criticism and shaming that I had not made the same choices began (even by the youngest children in the family) I knew the message was the same.

So, even though I have been able to break free and continue to heal, it amazes me that the ripples from the damage caused are still happening some 50 years later. Thankfully I now have the tools to manage the feelings that come up, but it still makes me very sad to see this cycle repeat in the next generation despite every effort to not pass it on.

[RedEmbers]

It's unfortunate with these things, that healing is mostly always an individual journey and nobody can save another except for oneself.
Sometimes, such as the case with my family (with enmeshment trauma and co-dependency) as I heal internally, especially those trauma signatures which I hold in my physical body, it has a knock on effect in my other relationships.

Most likely, however, in these family dynamics there are one or two people displaying narcissist tendencies.

With a true narcissist, or a narcissistic organisation no amount of healing typically changes them and it is best to completely cut ties and simply work on ones own self.

No two cases are exactly the same, some people have no choice but to completely walk away from their family and others, such as myself, have been able to heal internally and see my relationships transform with me.

Some kind of Quantum Healing Technique would work very well to get any residual trauma out of your body. I used the NARP program, you can find it online; "Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program".

[Native spirit]

You have had good responses from both Red embers and lostsoul.
but you seem pretty grounded to me,
you know your own mind, if letting go of family is what you need to do.
then do it.

Namaste

[AncestralEchoes]

I recently watched a Marianne Williamson video that touched on this subject (and of course she comes from A Course in Miracles perspective). She suggested that when family members disrespect and shame us for not having the same set of religious beliefs, it is because they truly believe what they believe and love us so much they don't want us to be left behind. She went on to say "talk to them about something else" and meet their "love" with love.

That seems to be an overly simplistic approach for a situation when narcissism is in play. Still, I have to agree that these kinds of circumstances are a powerful opportunity to shift the internal narrative around the past and move into a more elevated emotional and spiritual response. It's easy to be angry that other people have adopted a framework that has previously caused you harm. It's easy to be afraid that framework has the potential to harm others and want to stop them from going down that path. It's easy to feel negated and rejected and to want to cut them off for not meeting you halfway.

It's a lot harder to put down those reactions and just love. I get the idea of turning the other cheek and accepting that others may not be aware that they are being hurtful. But a lot of the past is embedded in the body and can be so difficult to untangle from the present.

Obviously no one should subject themselves to abuse and let people walk all over boundaries. Nor should we make excuses for bad behavior. But it does help to dig a little deeper into where the feelings are actually coming from. It is so easy for people to wrap religion around warped perspectives and insecurities rather than expose those distortions to the light.

I suppose that is the journey - to find compassion for myself and others even when my inclinations are to feel aggrieved by it all.

[Redchic12]

I agree with Native.

I believe you don’t owe anybody anything and they don’t owe you anything.

That belief has always kept me sane lol

[RedEmbers]

Accepting what can and cannot change.
Having the Wisedom to know the difference.

Once I accepted that I could not change the church culture or those stuck within its walls...
I started my inner path towards personal liberation, emotional and spiritual freedom.

Your version of freedom will be your own :-D

[JustBe]

Where we choose to stay in our life means we’ll learn through that choice as an integration of experience.

You say you don’t want to give your family up, so in that choice you can simply deepen your experience into one if neutral balance. You’re being triggered to show you more in you that still reacts in some way. That is all.

You can choose to use their conditioned responses as a point in you still able to move deeper into acceptance all round.

Triggering of old wounds is an opportunity to not only deepen but choose differently.

You can love from afar and accept from afar. Sometimes that can be the healthiest choice. Sometimes it’s important to let your life open differently.

I believe we often stay in situations difficult because we have unfinished business.

Either to complete a circle of healing or to move beyond what’s done.