will be punished

had this dream were old feelings came to surface, specific feelings of anxiety. in the dream the ex and low level energies were out to punish me for something i had done (for real) whilst in the relationship. i was on a medication and this medication not known then, was to later , years later , be set out as a warning in the media as it could prevent pregnancy, hurt and even kill the fetus, baby to be.

whilst in the relationship i would have the feeling that i was to be punished, and i was in numerous ways, his style, and it was sometimes the anticipation of it, and too the silent bewilderment whilst in it and later the shock afterwards as to not understand quite what happened.

he did not mind me pregnant with him and when we talked about it there was no mention of any abortion, any thought of it, he took it as natural that we would keep it and he would be happy if i was. I would say that during the relationship I got more and more suspicious that he was deliberately trying to in-pregnant me and talk me out of using birth control. i had explained my reasons for wanting to wait.

i have felt quilt and still do that i took the pills i took, i took them for another reason but of course should have, now looking back, gone to a doctor and asked to have another type of medication prescribed to me, as in such a case I would have to need something, I could not go without, this was to no fault of my own. My knowledge of the medication was limited and i was not the only one. nobody knew at the time, this came on years later. the only thing i did understand from it was that it could also prevent a pregnancy to take place. I did not know about it hurting or killing the fetus, baby-to-be. I only thought it was preventing. at the time i did not find myself pregnant, but there were periods, especially one, when I did have symptoms of pregnancy but I wasn't, in the end. At the time I was taking those pills.

I think I got the whole ex and some people he knew mixed up together as low level energies in the dream. It was too that he had me watched or they were happy to watch me in his absence. This was true even after our break up. he had his eyes on me, and when not him, someone who was in an understanding with him, i did not even had to know or could guess who that would be, only to realize later that is what had happened. It was in the dream as if they (low level energies, and him) said they knew what I had been doing "in secret" (the pills) and that I was to pay.

When we broke up, afterwards, I did not expect hearing from him, everything was settled, but then he began to do so, speaking of words of love and missing me and wanting to talk things through, nothing threatening but to me they were threatening as I knew how his mood could shift, for no reason, and because i had done what he had asked in the past and now I was not doing that no more as I was not replying to any of it. so that gave me a kind of anxiety too, brought it all back, but i was determined to not care about that. we just weren't right for each other.In time he did not do it no more.

[FallingLeaves]

it isn't possible, to know everything you might want to know before you need it. Seems like you did the best you could with what you did know... and also the fact you didn't think about asking the question in hindsight looks obvious, but I'm sure it totally wasn't obvious at the time you were going through this. As well I'm sure you had a lot on your mind then.

So I think you should give yourself a break.

Also, as far as people 'watching'... it can be uncomfortable, but, I had to accept that some will want to do it and I have no control over that. It is a little unsettling at times, but I decided the best thing for me was just to be my authentic self and let the chips fall where they may... doesn't mean you can't do it another way though lol.

have a nice day!

Hi FallingLeaves!

And thank you so much. Yes, there was a lot on my mind then, very busy.

What I did wrong about those pills is that I took them way too much and for too long than what was recommended. Young and stupid. I tried to go without it too. Guess because I wanted to do without. I don't know where my head was at. It's strange, usually I am very disciplined, reserved, suspicious of medications.