old sins from a past life - how does one know karma is paid of?

hi,

this is gonna be a confession from me that I am not proud of at all. When one discovers what one has been up to in a recent past life.

I wonder if karma is paid in the life time one lives or if it follows you to the next? Or how it is in my case?

In my most recent past life which is not long ago I was married...it was troubled...we had our crises apparently...but it felt like no matter what he would not let me go...from what I have got he was bossy like and not supportive that I would have a life of my own...not supportive of my interest (I liked to do clothes; draw/sketch, find the fabrics, do the whole thing. Found one yellow old article of my past life self up to that, giving the female readers the info. on how to do it too)...he was really business like, had his office at home and in a building in the city...I think I tried to adapt to his world but it felt fake and materialistic...he would dress me up on how I should look like when go out to see so-and so. Furs. Jewelry. Just to mirror back his success.

I felt lost. He had stress too. Would drink. Had temper. I would get afraid. I would start something but then I could not finish it out of fear because his reactions would be so strong. Think there was lots of fights.

We were parents but that part seem to work very well between us. That he was a family man. When we would talk about what a child would do and so on. Think that was when I saw the light in him. Then we were a good team.

Anyway, think he was easily controlling and jealous and this without a cause and suspicious and I had to always be ready to remember why I did not answer the phone that time or fast enough and why...and so on...

There were so many crises in the relationships with the fight I remember...but I think I found what was the big one in the end.

The one thing she knew he would not get pass. He would put much importance to fidelity. Think she felt for long he did not trust her and she was being close to punished even if she had not done anything. He too would go out in his way to make her know he was not unfaithful but he made it sound as if it was common in the world he was in. Like she had no excuse to divorce him unless he had been having other women.

I remember he had a friend, male such, rich I guess, and he would complain about me to him, half joking, half serious. He would do that while I was in the room. But that just made, I guess, the friend realize that there was trouble going on. I think the husband felt he was safe because this friend was older and by his taste did not look too nice.

I remember then a romantic setting with this man in his home and only two of us eating a romantic dinner. I could also tell one thing - my heart was not in it. I was not in love with him. I knew I was doing something evil. Something that would make my husband agree to divorce me. It was as if I watch myself - outside myself - like it was another character. I felt cold inside. Everything I touched, the furniture, felt cold. We were standing by some open fire after dinner, and I had been given a drink. He came to give me a kiss. That kiss alone made me feel sick. I don't know this, but I can't imagine her going all the way with him.

I remember the husband then knowing. His face expression. His eyes. I did not mean for it to hurt like that. Think part of the realization what I had done then hit me. He got his gun. He left. He did not hurt me. I panic because he had a gun and drove away like that. Years later I read they stop him. His plan was to kill him. Someone call the police to say he had threaten to kill me too. One of his friends tried to make me leave home, afraid he would return. But I stayed. Felt real nervous.

I have a vague feeling too that he did not want to know where I was at because he did not want to work himself up and then go and find me and do something crazy. As he requested that I (or we, I was a mom and responsible) would be somewhere secret for now.

I remember him drunk and in pain. Still like I tried to defend my action. It felt like that. I don't think I went even close to all the way with this other man.

I remember he wanted an explanation, wanted me to describe the evening with this other man, everything. Step by step.

The divorce process seem like I did not want to fight. Got low support money. The divorce was denied several times, "I" was being too nice about it.

He was rich and it was as if he just lay back and relax and was not going to help me get the divorce.

Even so I remember he had another woman or women. Some years later he married his secretary. Someone to fit his life style better than "I" ever could.

I do get it a lot with him that he as a Dad would tell that the one breaking up the family was me, not him.

I could tell by my memories that the oldest child had this issue against me even if love was there too. That I could never get back what had been lost with this child. Grief. This child looked up to Dad.

I don't know if karma is paid through the lost child, or if it is something that has to be paid between the ex husband's spirit and I or maybe not at all through him, but someone else?

Early on when I would remember things of the ex husband I would get memories of him saying he had lost respect for me, that he was very disappointing in me.

I always get back to that moment when I could see the pain in his expression. I really hate that. I hate what I did.

Does anyone know how one pays back infidelity?