Waiting for Death

[psychoslice]

You have spent those years caring for your parents, but now you don't know how to care for yourself, this could be guilt, it may not feel right for you to at last think about you. Your parents have gone, why wast the rest of your life wanting to see them again, I'm sure they would want to see you enjoying your life, after all you diserve it

Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn

' I wonder if she were to study about
the after life if that would help any?"

I studied the afterlife day in day out following my husband's death ~
Six years later, I still do it on a daily basis to support my beliefs ...
Internalized anger turns into depression; I dealt w/my anger to avoid it ...
Did it down & dirty ...
I had to grieve it out everything I was feeling, then learn how to heal myself ...
Seek out modalities to restore balance ...
Having a pet is beneficial to healing ...
Hope this helps ...

[MutedBlue]

I appreciate so much all the kind responses and caring words and helpful advice. I will think on each and every suggestion and will always have this thread to go back to to help me. Everyone has made very good points that I hadn't thought of. I'm really glad I turned to the people here. I hope to be able to in the future give back to others in posts that may be of some help to them.

[Teal]

I am sorry for your losses. It can be draining and yes I get your disabilities with this.You are still grieving. Give yourself a break. Make a list of things that interest you. Could you upgrade your school maybe? Something you may be interested in? Get involved in volunteering. Do something in hon our of your parents. Maybe they loved to garden and maybe you could love it to. They love you and are very proud of you. Now it is time for you to do something that you love.

[Dee47]

Hi MutedBlue,

I started responding to this thread yesterday but then company came and so I erased my response-in-process. I'll try now.

Don't know if what I'll say is helpful...take it if it is, leave it if it isn't.

I'm wondering if you may need to grieve more? I think often people don't let themselves grieve and that makes them stuck.

One of the ways I helped myself grieve after my son died 4 years ago is I listened to a particular song that reminded me of him. At first I couldn't bear to hear the song much. Just reading the words on the computer made me start crying. But crying was good. It hurt, but it was what I needed to do. With time, I listened to the song again and again and again, and eventually, I could hear it without crying because I no longer needed to cry.

I did the same thing decades ago when I broke up with a boyfriend. Listening to "our song" and crying to it somehow helped with healing.

Another way I grieved after my son died was I started scrapbooking. I'd never done it before but a friend of mine who had coached me. I am the slowest scrapbooker on the planet, but speed doesn't matter. I felt like I was in touch with my son when I worked with pictures of him. There are different ways to scrap. Some people just stick pictures and captions on a page and call it good. If that works, that's great. My scrap pages, however, were CREATIONS. I went all out. I used lines of poetry, tried new techniques..etc. Sometimes I would scrap and listen to the song and tears would stream down my face. It was just what I needed. Scrapbooking made the good stuff real again, too. It wasn't all sadness. It gave me a sense that my son would live on because it felt like he was living, kinda, as I s******* and remembered.

I did struggle with how to actually live my own life. It's been four years and I'm not sure I've mastered that. But I'm getting there. Some time after my son's death I started exploring spiritual issues and one interest led to another. Currently I'm very interested in the healing power of stones. I wouldn't have done any of that if I hadn't started with grieving my son--wouldn't have s*******, grown spiritually (I had been stuck spiritually for years), gotten into stones, etc. What I think I'm trying to say here is that I started where I was--grief--and went where it led me. I haven't always known what's next. And it's been hard at times. Get all the support you can. That really helps. Take good care of yourself. Eat right (I don't, but I am THINKING about it, and that's a good first step), exercise, play.

I think losing loved ones is disorienting, but you can find yourself again...or for the first time.

Blessings.

[knightofalbion]

I'm sorry to hear of your sorrow. I have an unshakeable faith in continuity of the spirit but it was still crushing to lose my parents.
Your mother and father are 'safely gathered in'. They are fine. Now you need to make a life for yourself and be happy.

My practical advice - find yourself a Service project (this will give you spiritual fulfillment) and join a dating agency. Find yourself someone to love and to share your life with.

I have lost both of my parents as well, and it can be very hard to deal with not having them around....But I am sure that your parents would want you to be happy, and live a fulfilling life...
They are always with you - just look inside your heart - they will always be there
I definitely agree with getting a pet(s) if possible. They are such wonderful healers!! I have cats, and they are truly a joy to me every day...and it can be another way for you to have someone else to care for, and make you feel needed again. I think that this can be one of the biggest hurdles once your parents have passed, especially if you have no kids of your own, and no other close family, etc...You feel like you're simply not needed any more (speaking from personal experience here..)
But that is not true! Realize that you touch everyone you come in contact with - whether it's someone in a yoga class, the cashier at the grocery store check-out - or the elderly person you hold the door open for at the store/post office, etc....You also touch all of us here on SF when you post - and we will reach out in turn to help you...
You are never alone

[Emmalevine]

It does sound possible that you're suffering from complex grief which is where the natural grieving process gets frozen or delayed for a variety of reasons. Perhaps you're not grieving properly - it's important to go deeply into the feelings in order to heal. As feelings are painful it's natural to want to avoid feeling the depth of the pain, but this is necessary for it to lessen in intensity. At times I've thought I'm going to die from the pain but after I've really felt it, and I mean REALLY felt it, over time it really does start to reduce.

A friend of mine lost her sister four months ago and I was stunned the other day when she said that people around her were saying she she should be over it by now as her sister has gone, nothing she can do about it.

There is such a resistance to feeling and it's not healthy at all.

Let yourself grieve but at the same time if you feel you're becoming depressed and the feelings aren't being worked through, it's important to get some help.

I do think that a new hobby, interest or project would be a good idea at this time. Something intellectual might help balance the emotions you are going through.

I wish you peace with this.