Married but no love left

Rue11 · #1 20-04-2021, 10:32 PM

We have been together 7 years. I was told several weeks ago by my husband that he doesn't care for me anymore. And it's honestly mutual. But it's not an option to separate. We have 2 small children. I stay at home and take care of the kids. And I don't want to put them through a divorce so I don't see it happening for a very long time.

It doesn't bother me because it feels like we have sort of a business relationship going on now. I guess the part that bothers me is I feel kind of empty, or lonely. I'm trying to figure out how to work on that part. Like we used to talk about out future and devise all these plans but now I have no idea what the future holds and my life feels sort of blank in a way. It's like breaking up with someone mentally but not physically. Has anyone else experienced this?

#2 21-04-2021, 04:32 AM

This is an unhealthy situation for you. With two small children, work, and what goes on in the home it could be stress and that there has been too much focus on all the practical stuff, leaving very little to care for the romantic relationship. No matter if you two are done or not I would go into counseling because you two have 2 children together and always will and it's important how to communicate right. Of course you have an uncertaincy of the future and questions to ask yourself, and to ask him, this is only natural.

astralsuzy · #3 21-04-2021, 07:46 AM

Perhaps you could go to a support group if there is something around in your area. It would be good to meet other people in your situation.

Native spirit · #4 21-04-2021, 08:45 AM

I would agree with a searcher its not a healthy enviroment for yourself or your kids.
you need to sit down with your partner and talk,
when you have kids your Focus changes to them rather than to you and your partner,

Namaste

#5 30-05-2021, 05:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Native spirit

I would agree with a searcher its not a healthy enviroment for yourself or your kids.
you need to sit down with your partner and talk,
when you have kids your Focus changes to them rather than to you and your partner,

Namaste

Kids can give parents a purpose if they take their nurturing responsibility seriously. It's a joint effort.

#6 22-04-2021, 07:58 AM

Hi Darling...I feel for you..I really do. I'm Empath / HSP...so I would naturally feel your despair anyway...
But given I have have walked in your shoes , I know even more how it feels.
I was married to my first husband for 22 years. We had 3 boys.
The whole world thought we were the perfect couple/family... Because that's what you do isn't it ? You put on an act .
But my life was miserable..
I was living with a control freak with whom I lost respect for.
Because I lost respect for him, I could not even start to enjoy any intimate relationship with him anymore.
But I didn't dare tell him.
Do I just "gritted my teeth" and got on with it.
I was doing all of this to protect my children.
But in the end, it got so bad, that even the children were telling me and begging me ""Mum.. you and dad need to split up..""
How bad is that ?
Only after he hit me in front of my boys ,did I do something about it...

Then I married again...
To an alcoholic...
Not that him being alcoholic was an issue...
What became an issue was his relationships online with other women !!!

I'm very loyal..!

You need to be brave, and take the bull by the horns...and decide what you want for you and your children....

In other words, don't carry on thinking you are doing your children a favour...
Know, in fact, that by doing the hardest thing now, will in turn, be giving your babies a bigger/ better gift...

inavalan · #7 22-04-2021, 06:31 PM

It might help to think from a third person's point of view. If your beloved sibling were in that situation, what would you recommend them to do?

Also, it is better for the kids to grow into a loving family. Growing up and seeing a fallen apart family, where their parents don't care for each other, it may be even more damaging than having them divorced and (maybe) happy alone, or in other marriages. People make mistakes, and overcome them. That may be a good lesson for kids.

Think of how would you look back at your life in 10 years, or 20 years.

Ziusudra · #8 25-04-2021, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by inavalan

It might help to think from a third person's point of view. If your beloved sibling were in that situation, what would you recommend them to do?

Also, it is better for the kids to grow into a loving family. Growing up and seeing a fallen apart family, where their parents don't care for each other, it may be even more damaging than having them divorced and (maybe) happy alone, or in other marriages. People make mistakes, and overcome them. That may be a good lesson for kids.

Think of how would you look back at your life in 10 years, or 20 years.

I agree with this advice.
Because you have children, it is more important to find a happier place for yourself.

Your husband is being very honest and he probably will move on.
Hence it is very unhealthy to holding onto the unhealthy marriage for a "business arrangement".

Even in true business sense, if you are not happy with your job, you will find a different career or an other job.

He will have to support his kids. So, you will still have the business arrangement even after the divorce. - But in a much happier space for all of you including your kids.

But his financial support will end in several years later.
You are still young and I highly encourage you to start building your own job skills so you can support yourself and your kids, - in case something happens to him and his "business arrangement" can not continue abruptly.

Relying on others for the survival of you and your kids is never a good life plan.
Most schools are now online and lectures are recorded. So, you can do your school work after your kids are in bed. Take an advantage of it.

Ziusudra · #9 25-04-2021, 03:41 PM

dup.....................

#10 26-04-2021, 08:45 PM

Hello Rue11.

Been there, after nine years. Not married, no kids, but still. I've been the kid of people who didn't love each other anymore (Well, hated each other).

You think divorce is something your children will have to bear, to endure. I'm telling you, you'll free them. Show them there's no reason to stay with someone you don't love anymore. Show them nothing forces you to do anything you do not want to in life. Show them you're not playing mommy and daddy !

Trust me when I tell you, divorce. You don't know how far it can go otherwise.

You think you're not capable of living by yourself. You don't look down on some of those women you know, some of 'em you may call your friends, but you couldn't do that. Allow yourself to be capable of it. You have it in you.

Also, I'm no psychic or whatever, but the simple fact that the feeling is mutual is a good omen for a separation in good terms. Talking it through, like real adults. Really good and a lot less hard on children that you'd imagine. It can actually be a relief on them, they're a ton more perceptive than we imagine as adults.

Anyway, be well