jealousy and how to act

just a general question here because i am wondering if i have handled this the right way.

been in situations where women who know my partner is taken still go ahead and try (flirting etc).

I have always thought since he is the one in a commitment with me it is on him to signal, show he's not into that (with her).

I have never confronted the woman, the women.

But there is this part of me that really wants to. I have been restraining myself.

It would have been, and has been one thing because these sort of situations have occurred too, that the women don't know he's taken for, don't know he's mine because we have behaved more like buddies if anything, and again if and when it is on him to protest, show something. Those times has never bothered me.

I know of someone who has been in similar, same situations and she says she goes to attack (verbally), one time to him first, then the other woman, the other time both of them at the same time, but mostly him as she did not think he signaled enough to the other woman for her to get the message.

I've had experience where I simply walked away, was in a blur. I was at that one time sure that she was flirting with him, and looking so proud of herself too at me, but him I was not sure. I couldn't take it and just left. I couldn't collect my thoughts or feelings. Later on he could tell something was up and would ask me but when i said what it was he took defense and denied. he would later be a wreck about it and apologize and said he had not seen it like that.

Should it be on me to confront the woman, if/when she knows he's taken for, and is mine, as I think it is an insult to me? Is this where I have gone wrong all this time? Just letting the woman, women off the hook? I have been on him though to tell him he has to get on board and understand what is happening if he now doesn't til it's too late and I'm reacting.

He just says to me not to worry because the way it works (according to him) nothing will happen unless he does something, the first move or if he takes the bite and he says he won't. That he knows where to draw the line.

There's been some incidents even before he and I got to get together where I wondered if he truly understood the social codes women were sending off to him that were interested in him or if he was just gracious about it (here, but not further, he was nice but had still a distance, hard to explain this).

What complicates this is that he is on the autism spectrum (intelligence intact but sometimes I seriously wonder, just kidding) and he has mixed people up. If women have long hair and dressed similar he can't tell them apart if they got the same hair color. He's also known to confuse kids, and relatives with one another. Once as we got to an airport, filled with staff dressed alike he muttered "welcome to hell". They all look the same. he has also confused his child's friends with one another even if he has seen them for years, if they to him have same (similar) looks. It is not that unusual at an event he will lean over to me and ask "Do I know this person?" who then comes towards us, and I had to go "yes!!!" (a little scared he doesn't recognize even) and too at a restaurant I had to help him out because he could not tell who was our waiter.

he wants to look at people's faces to get a clue what goes on, used to actually turn to look at his child's face when driving(!) before or on me, but now he doesn't. I got so scared ,mad at him because of that. Not while driving, for Christ sake. I think it helps him somehow instead of just hearing people talk.

he's said I am easy to detect as all my feelings show.

he has said that there has been times women have smiled and said hi and so on and he has wondered, Do I know this woman from before? and that's where he thinks he could have made a mistake.

he's turned down opportunities regarding his career because he said he suspected it will be a problem for him dealing with all the people (and him confusing them and their emotions, reactions).

[FairyCrystal]

Again, exactly the same as I had to endure with the narcissist I was with.
He also didn't make clear he was involved, if nothing else he liked the attention, like a narcissist would.
And it happened he too didn't seem to notice the difference, although I think that was just nonsense from his part. It makes for a nice excuse.

Personally I am not one for defending my man and relationship and going for the woman who does that.
I feel every person in a relationship should do that, a normal thing when you love the person you're in relationship with. And to safe-guard the relationship as normally no one who loves their partner is going to do anything to risk that. Natural instinct.

Now if there is cause, or you do feel jealous, which I did too and I felt with good reason, then there are ways to deal with it. Which is not to throw a wobbler or get angry.
You get him privately (no one able to hear) and tell him you feel awkward about the situation, and you don't like feeling that way. You can even say 'jealous' instead of 'awkward'.
With that you can leave, tell him that too. That you will go until you feel better. Something like that.
Then you've given the clear message with feminine communication how you feel about it and how it affects you.
If he then still doesn't do anything, well... then he is really thick, or callous, or his feelings for you aren't that strong.
Nevertheless, you mustn't say that as a play, as a means to get him to come home with you for instance, or to give him a good bollocking later on. It shouldn't be a play, a game.
But the way he reacts to that should give good indication as to how he feels and if he can react normally or not.
Normally speaking a man would feel awkward in the sense that he too sees that something is wrong with what's going on, or at least that the one he loves is upset about what's going on and wanting to do something about that.
With saying something like above you do not blame him for anything, but you do make clear how you feel, which basically is all you can do if you want to have it resolved in a calm, healthy fashion.

You may want to look into female communication. It's the best way to communicate in a relationship and it does work a treat, although with a narcissist/ personality disorder it may be somewhat different but still the best option in any situation.

So sorry what you've been through with the narc. I will look more into the feminine like you suggest, thank you :)

He's doing everything right these days on how to behave at events and to show me and show others he's mine. Perhaps becauese of this I am starting to relax in a way but still feel I have not gotten enough justice from before and so these women that were before in the shadows have now re appeared to me. Or it is that I am simply these days more insecure in a way but stronger too in another. I don't know. I don't feel as if I am whole the way I used to be.

I think there is a continues situation with someone at his work and am cut in between telling him to change or not. he has laughed it off before saying he would never do anything, it's me he loves, he would never risk anything, he's not that kind of guy, I've nothing to worry about, hes told me to come any time (to visit him) and/or to call him and he's been calling me from work.

I know too some women who are a certain looking type who has approached him and I've watched him from a far or even been in the middle of it and even those times when I am a far and he don't know I am approaching (if we said we were going to meet somewhere and I'm on my way), I can tell those times that that particular look, type, is not his. I think you can see it real clear in a man's eyes if he's into you or not and other body language etc. I think those types of looks of women are not used to rejection.

There has too been times at parties he has simply physically made a drastic move and changed where's he's been sitting or standing to get away from someone. I think there is maybe a higher tolerance and men don't know how to fend someone off if they're female without offending. I know he "You're drunk, take your paws off me. Thank you" but by then he is really irritated. But then it can get into a scene and other people can hear and he don't like to draw attention to himself (or others). Those times have been extreme. I can see him trying to tell someone in a lower tone of voice but usually he has just moved himself without saying anything.

I know when I detect these things from women that I am never wrong, I know that by now so I know from that point of view it ain't my jealousy coocing up things. But then I too know I am feeling the jealousy, a potential risk.

I have been afraid that if he can not read the signals right, the social codes, he might get himself involved in something, I will see it - and then it will be bye bye, that will be it, for me. I've told him one thing - and I'm out, I'm done with this. I can't do this to myself no more. It hurts too much, it is too confusing, it takes energy from me that I need for myself and to others, to be a good and present mom for instance. I can't do this then. There's been enough rounds of this.

Then if I ask him to change and he does it in time maybe another pops up and I know it comes down to me having to trust him, and trust that I am more than enough for him but it too is pretty hard given what he and his narc parent has done to me for years to break my spirit, even if he says he came from a total different perspective than his narc parent does (that he won't allow near me, or us these days and is very angry with). Even the years that narc parent said things to me behind his back but at times in the witness of another who would tell him it was true and he thought it was so sick and the scale it was at, and that he then understood why I had never wanted to be around.

I had this dream where as if being told that him choosing me was a rebellion in itself from his narc parent and that his road had began even before, that the narc parent was not getting a hold of him, as it was once before and imagined it still had, and that I somehow symbolized that rebellion, and got the blame for it.

I know on one hand the narc wants to built him up and tear him down the other to please the narc parent.

He has had an emotional disconnection for years and says he didn't care what the narc parent said or did but should have been on the watch as I was a target (which too surprised him because he said who doesn't like you? he is used to me getting along with people) and not just looked after himself. He would chose voluntarily more time with me, us, my family, friends than the narc parent and I think that is what is too something that has been this huge trigger for the narc parent. He says the parent can only blame itself, but never will, for that. He was embraced by my family and friends and felt good there. Said he wanted the same for me but had told me before that the parent is not like that, that he had a different relationship. Anyways I tink it has been his own choices that I have not pushed for (becaue I haven't, he came along) that the narc parent somehow wanted to blame me for.

Will use that female communication :)

[kris]

From https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosopagnosia

Prosopagnosia (from Greek prósōpon, meaning "face", and agnōsía, meaning "non-knowledge"), also called face blindness,[2] is a cognitive disorder of face perception in which the ability to recognize familiar faces, including one's own face (self-recognition), is impaired, while other aspects of visual processing (e.g., object discrimination) and intellectual functioning (e.g., decision-making) remain intact.

Some famous people are said to have difficulty recognizing faces. Look up Brad Pitt.

Thank you very much Kris :)

yes he's real smart when it comes to other things where I feel dumb as I can get, but the whole face recognition he don't have, so at least I have that to help him out with.

I've noticed one of his parents can not recognize some facial expression when to me it is blunt for instance that a child is sick . First time that happened I got scared. The child was running a high fever and that you can see just by looking at the child's face, the eyes. I knew something was wrong.

I dont know but I have this fear that when, if he got sick as a small boy it would not be recognized. He too when he gets sick is as if he does not recognize it, and if, finally when he does is like he just go through it. I have never heard him complain. He does not express it.

I think he is looking for a connection but somehow me being highly sensitive give him that, he says he can see his wife (me) and my feelings but some other people not so sensitive, some expressions, are not easy for him.

Now that i know he has autism I can see he is trying to combine when people talk and how they look so he won't misunderstand. I saw him increasing that after he got his autism diagnose and I think it was because he truly wanted his child to know he was on board, connecting, understanding. He says he knows he comes off "off" he thinks at times, but he does care. He can't help it. I know everything he plans, does is an action from his heart to care for his child.

When I asked him to watch an animal when I came back I could not believe how good that animal had had it, best luxury ever.

I've noticed when he and someone he is related to are engaged in something they understand each other in a way the rest of us don't, then it is as if there is such harmony with them.

There are downsides to his autism which is a vulnerability to anxiety and depression. His food-relation. Irritation over things that to me made no difference. The anxiety, and low self esteem I think originally, can take outlets in perfectionism which had a bad impact on me and our relationship over time. He now knows all this and take care of that. He would not stop til it felt right. I had thought of all sorts of practical solutions and once that was covered I was giving up. Til it felt right was invisible and not something I could solve.

I suspect in the past he had had a period of depression but did not express it, when it had been too much for too long (and his perfectionism high demands making it worse).

I have to be on the look out so he expresses things. Too he was not raised that way, to express and to recognize signs, and how to recognize signs, some expressions the body would do he would not understand, translate somehow. Now anyways he does :)

[FairyCrystal]

Did he truly get an official autism diagnosis? Cos it still sounds very narcissistic.
I recognise so much of what you tell, including the perfectionism.
And concerning NPD it says this:

Do narcissists tend to be perfectionists?
Truly grandiose narcissists have no patience with imperfections in others. They expect themselves to be perfect, and so everyone else should be, too. This other-oriented perfectionism may seem a bit paradoxical if you imagine that the highly grandiose narcissist wants to seem better than everyone else.

In any case... a lot of work to be with such a partner. You can never just sit back and relax and be you.

Yes he has.

One has to untangle what goes into the autism spectrum box, what goes into the taught behavoir (he has been taught the perfectionism) and it is something that goes worse when anxiety is involved. Some people who has autism too are perfectionists. I know when it gets worse there is the expectation of the surrounding, people being that way too. Then there is what goes into the raised-by-a-narc-box.

I don't believe he is a narc. If I had I would be out of here. I've done a lot of research on narcissism. It is clear he has a parent that is a narcissist, high on the spectrum. Even someone educated in this area knows, has informed me of it, so it isn't just me thinking that.

I used to be able to fully relax in the past with him and when we were happy and stable. Then more stress entered the picture. I got increasingly more unhappy with things, he noticed, got effected, bad circle. Like his perfectionism, it was not like that, at that level before at all, this why I did not notice it as bad before, because it wasn't.

We're working our way back, or forward. He's doing everything he can now so that I will be more confident, and relaxed, and trust that he got this. He's done a really good job on himself, once he got it and got the right kind of help. He's doing well, but says he's nervous I will just take off. He knows where he has done wrong in the past and what has caused me to withdraw. He has taken full accountability, responsibility for that. I would also keep things to myself. i still do that, despite writing here. I think my reflections has been a part of me before, but because of how our old fights use to be (they are not like that no more, not even close) I withdrew even more since his initial reaction would be his defense-mechanism, and that he would be on repeat and have more temper than I had. He don't have that temper no more. He don't have that repeat anymore. He has changed, for the better. We were both under a great deal of stress as our marriage was collapsing and that showed in different ways. Had neither of us cared it wouldn't have looked like that.

There are days things go well and hours or day when I slip back into my old insecurity so I got my stuff to work on and to not be triggered. But I'm hoping we both got this in time :)

I wish his autism would have been detected, diagnosed way before, he's gone under the radar.

I wish I had been tougher than I was to push on us getting professional help, couple counseling, when I realized we were stuck and getting worse. He did not believe in that then, and I felt alone in my unhappiness. It was not until I knew I couldn't do it no more and told him I needed a divorce that he then asked for a last chance and no matter what that we would do it. But from that step to where we are now has been a long and emotional road, rollercost.

I think before and well into a big part of the relationship I was just fine with my appearance, my looks, we were close. I always thought he was very good looking but it was no bother, no jealousy from me. I would make up cute names because he was so handsome.

I then finally got to believe, the final step of bullying, that I was less attractive than he was and that I could not measure up in other ways to deserve to be his.

I have understood the way he has talked that I must know I am attractive and that he has always been attracted to me but why then even mention if I have gained or lost weight or what parts of my body I should work out to get stronger?

I have understood his narc parent has even told others it does not view me as attractive but why should the narc parent at all talk about my looks? When this happened several people apparently objected. I've actually been told by both females, men, children, elders that my earth suit is pretty, spontanously so, I don't go around thinking I'm all that, but I can honestly say I did not have complex and I was one of those who thought nobody should have and we all got what is working for us and should focus on that. That it is individually what we find attractive or not.

But I know when I began dating him that there would be strong responses that he was so good looking. I've been told it was thought of as a joke as I was always joking around when having a photo of him saying oh that's my boyfriend. That that would have been typical of me.

He has been raised that you only say when something is wrong so he was before always restricted about giving me compliments but he was a doer so he would do much to show his love for me. Him being in void to give me compliments but only say when something was wrong finally got to me, alongside the harsh campaign his narc parent had against me.

So finally it all got to me I suppose. He's said again and again that he does find me attractive, as a total, personality and looks. I know of him how he was in the past, what he changed into, this perfectionist who gave me the idea no matter what I wasn't good enough, the home, my body apparently and I wasn't a good enough daughter in law. They made me suffer for no reason. I had not done them anything. Then there was the him I knew from before he got like that and who he is today, who's gotten help, and realized where he has gone wrong, and for me to forgive. I have forgiven but I am I realize still at times scared from it.

They think the prognoses is good but that it is going to take time and he has to truly show he has changed.

I never thought of him as a womanizer before and I still don't, but it has still made me insecure. I guess the insecurity and me having stronger feelings for him who he is today and how well he treats me today is making me feel more jealous, easily triggered. In a way more safe, but in another I know I have to work on myself to get rid of this.

[JustBe]

The issue is that your jealous and insecure and your aware of yourself and these feelings.

This is good. Your being honest.

He sounds like he’s not entirely clued into these things happenings. The fact that you’ve made him aware is good. He can be mindful now. If he can’t pick up on these kind of social cues, then he gets caught in the middle. Your sensitivity feels the females feelers out and it can be very uncomfortable. He’s in the middle wondering what all the fuss us about.

These emotional triggers if they persist might require you to build a stronger self esteem and confidence in you. One thing you can give yourself confidence boost about, is that your highly attuned and it’s an opportunity to fine tune without emotional reactions.

I’ve had partners who’ve had strong charismatic presence that attract woman who seek closeness. I’ve always become aware, they on their level had to let go of something too. But so did I. It wasn’t always just the women themselves. He might feel more ‘special’ with this kind of attention on some level. It may simply be having females, paying attention without motive in himself. Just someone showing an interest. He is being friendly.

Definitely if that’s the case, he can be mindful and include you so you know he’s not pushing you out and letting them in at your expense.

Yes, thank you JustBe:) so much, great advice. (this is my forth! version, crazy. LOL)

Yes funny too you mention it I think mine has something, not just his looks, when I met him all I could think was "he's lovely". I don't know that many that would fit that description that I've met I have to say. I think it is the combination of his nice looks and his loveliness that draw women in. I can see my female friends and others I know, where I do not read off as something romantic chemistry hitting it off, are too drawn to him. I'm never jealous then. I know they see him as a friend or brother.

He was never one of those who pounded himself on the chest, or had vanity in his eyes, there was, is a loveliness about him and that together with his appearance I think is attractive (at least for me, again we all have our types and chemistry going on, what works for one, don't work for the other, and how good that is or else what chaos would it not be, LOL).

I will work on trying to get more self esteem :)

I've thought today and realize there has been incidents along the way that awoken a certain insecurity in me besides the trouble with my self esteem, but still not so that it could be ruled under infidelity but that I at the start had complete faith in him not being the cheating kind.

He's def not been like someone hungry to go out there, wanting narc supply, and if and when he would go out it would be arranged for before and he would always check on me, phoning and, or me phoning him, and be home quite early and I had no suspicion.

He's always been someone of strong opinions and I think once his mind was set on something that was just how it was. It was not as if he was looking for a debate. He would just state things. He already had his mind set. He had for instance set his mind that he would not return home later than so and so and he would not show up dead drunk as he thought that would be disrespectful to our relationship. I hadn't said a thing about what time I thought he would be back. I would notice when he would ask me about a specific time, for me to say a specific time (different reasons) that he then would be there earlier than that time.

I have realized looking back and til now that I have always been one of his special interests, LOL, and as soon as it was something with me, or something we were to do together he would at once get all wrapped up in it, present it to me later, missed out that it was suppose to be a team-work. He would have read on and planned everything in advance, thinking too he did me a favor. I told him he was a lousy team player and made me feel inferior (as he by then already knew so much and had not included me). I did not then know he had autism. If we were suppose to do something together he had it already before down to perfection and how to do it (if something practical) and if I then went ahead to do it my way or want us to talk about it, he had very little patience and simply took over. It had to be his way. He would then later ask me where I went. It's not like he made me feel welcomed or listened to me or was open for suggestions, and still he wondered where I gotten to.

I think one should always talk about what is cheating? because you can have different perspective of it and we take for granted often I think that the other one look at it the same way. Important to have that talk before and not after the damage is done and growing.

One mistake I realize I have made, especially with someone on the autism spectrum if he has difficulty reading some social codes (but is smart and highly functioning when it comes to other areas) is that I have not been very good at communicating. I have thought he is a grown man, he has an adult brain, let him figure it out if he does not know it already, which I then of course think he should have known already. There's been lots of times when I have noticed he is studying me, and times when he comes back with something, so he has thought about it, and when he does that he is gentle in his approach. Then he thinks he may have me figured out.

It is typical that I ended up with someone who needs me to communicate clearly of what my needs are, what I want in a relationship. I felt quite stupid to be frank to do that before, seeing how he was, in his mind taking notes. As if he was some machine that I was just going to feed exactly what I wanted and then he would do it? I wanted him to want to do it on his own, before. Free will. Not because I said so. I thought that would be me babying him and I did not want no mother-child relationship. But then I realized that he has still a strong will of his own but he can change his mind, and has on some things, and will then do it my way, even if that feel strange to me, me thinking he does not really want to??

A lot of times before when he was so strong willed and opinionated I would not be of that nature and so I would be more easy going and thought well what ever who cares, to then realize as we got along that no, I am of a different opinion. He took for granted I thought what he thought just because I did not protest so much. He wouldn't ask me, BTW. He would just say what he thought in a very secure way like this is how it is. I was more like well...is it really...? really?

He had for instance made this rule that he did not like to see couples show too much affection (physical) but he had I have to say a very limited tolerance on what he viewed as too much affection and what to me was too much affection. He said he thought such couples were "showing off", "look at us, we're so happy", when he thought it should be something kept private. He would always reach and hold my hand if, when we left the home, or give me a quick kiss on the cheek or mouth in public but that was his maximum. I would not push as I thought it made him feel uncomfortable and I certainly did not feel as if I was in the mood of being rejected.

As 2 parents we got very practical, and I think functioned more buddy-wise than romantic-wise, when out too. On that we always used clear communication and it was an area with very little misunderstandings between us.

He did not understand, it seems, that he was giving me, and others the message that I was not important to him, I was not even his, when we would be socializing. It was as if he somehow came on his own and I was on my own. This why I one time asked him if he was ashamed of me and I don't know how long I had felt then by his behavior as if he was. When he was in fact ashamed of himself, not knowing where to turn at such events. But again he just left me out of it. He did not communicate besides saying when we got back in the car thank God that's over with. He seemed clueless he had not exactly behaved like a gentleman, like a husband ought to behave.

There were such times that other women would notice him, again and again and again. Where ever we went I finally noticed. Not everyone naturally, but still so, it wasn't unusual.

I know when I had introduced him to some of my party friends a guy kidding that did I have to bring him along because here he had thought he looked pretty good, ready for tonight, and then that guy shows up (my guy) and looks so much better, and he joked and said no way he was going to sit beside him, if women were to look he was gonna look worse than he thought he did all because of my guy, LOL.

Back then I would joke back. I know I had this joke that I suspected he came from a different planet and although I had tried to "torture" him to make him confess, he only asked if we could do that some time soon again (I know, terrible joke). When I would compliment him on his looks he would say "don't objectify me", joking. It wasn't a problem before. It became a problem with my self esteem sinking and incidents on top of each other but not having anything solid so was to be dismissed.

To try to summon it up I know now I was no good at expressing my own needs, being clear, and just simply jumping in when he was expressing his strong opinions that I may think differently. I was too easy going. He was used to leading the relationship. This why too it got absurd when his narc parent implied things as if I would have been the one to have pushed us forward. It was him al along who had taken the steps forward, asking me, could we marry, could we live together, all of it. He had never hid me, I was out in the plain open. Nothing made sense of what the narc parent said. Why then would he introduce me so early to his parents in the first place? It just got bizarre when I would hear such stories about us when it couldn't be further from the truth. I would always say we were equals but the truth was he was always one step ahead and I suppose I was "traditional" in that sense that I was waiting for him to make the first move and then that became something we both took for granted.

I know too he had to give me time. I know he asked me to move in with him a couple of times before I finally came around to it, but those were just practical stuff to me, I knew I loved him very much back then. It all got very strange listening to our love story from the mouth of his narc parent, and then of top of that my husband telling me to take no notice, that it was all bull****, not to get upset by it I still felt he had to get the record straight. He said those who knows us, those who are close to us they know and we don't have to prove ourselves to anyone. That they will figure it out in time anyways. He didn't care. He didn't care what we looked like. He told me that parent makes something into something it ain't and to not care about it because he didn't. But he did not care as long as HIS status was not harmed but mine clearly was, I was given a low status and he wasn't doing anything to object or not enough so. I was waiting for him to react more, but he didn't.

It was important to me. It was important that he took care and showed what my true status was, both to him and to others, mainly to him. Too others so to lessen the threat. That all of this was on me. I could see women approach him. I could come off as a nobody. That is not how you treat someone you love and claim to be proud off. You shout that from the top building. You show that so there is no question in doubt. You talk back to a weirdo making up lies about me, us. You do something.