Tulpa?

Originally Posted by asearcher

PS sorry for all the editing, as you can tell I have a problem. In some ways I can't help but think it was better before when I did not remember to now but I hope I will get finally the hang of this so I can leave it behind.

You're very welcome.

From this point forwards it's worth moving on with as much understanding as you can glean from the situation while accepting that there will be things you won't ever understand. Not understanding is OK and really, the worst thing you can do is invent reasons - because unless you know specifically it'll be your mind creating any old thing to fill in the blanks. Often that's the dangerous part. Learn to live with what you don't know.

While we're here, what will probably help you is Right Thinking and that's a part of the Eightfold Path. That will lead to Right Understanding. Really the only thing you have to think about is yourself and I'd forget everything else, thinking about what you're never going to understand won't help you. The only thing that will make sense for anyone else is some pretty advanced psychology, because there are some very obvious deeply-rooted issues going on there and most likely going back to childhood.

It's usually a bad idea to protect yourself mentally and Spiritually, and walls will keep you in as well as keep others out. Right Thinking and Right Understanding will help you deal with things constructively, because what you're left with is not what actually happened but your response to what happened - your perceptions, and they created your reality of the situation. They're creating your reality as you read this.

Speculation is not constructive, it's your mind trying to fill in blanks. Let it go and deal with your own feelings because what you're left with from this point will create your future. Concentrate on a clean slate, 'learn the lesson' if you want to think of it that way. You can't get the hang of 'this' because it was never about 'this', it was always about what you have inside.

Intend to learn about yourself from the past in order to create yourself a better future.

[Bluediamond56]

Fear is a powerful manifester. Fear even subconsciously will manifest itself in someway. Look in a mirror and say I AM WORTHY and I love myself. I send good wishes to my ex and ask for God's love and protection from my ex as well as future relationships. When I make my next move romantically I will allow God to help me in my selection. I am better now because of my experiences I am smarter.

That's really wonderful, Bluediamond56 :)

I agree with everything you wrote.

I have forgiven him for his cruelty and humiliating and confusing games. Deep down he could not have been in a good place in order to treat another human being (unfortunately me) that way.

he also did treat me well, and I must not forget that (although I did, actually).

I think the way I resonate now about my tulpa-experience? is this:

-All sorts of signs were that he was involved with something troubling and that he in his own way did not intent to intimidate me or have me involved, but in his own way protect me from it. But I could never really know if it was real or not or some really weird manipulation/intimidation trick. It was only later when he actually was trying to get me back that the intimidating, the attitude, began as I refused to do things his way and budge in any way (wasn't going back) when fear was very much involved and me fighting it.

He would in real life do something with the protection in order to get in and out of the home and he would describe it to me (but say it was because of so and so and at the time although to me it sounded complicated I let it go). I think it was for safety, protection. I remember it well when I came home and he had changed everything and giving me this complicated explanation as to why. I took for granted he was telling me the truth. When I have later thought about it and asked turns out the real reason for such things are not the reason/s he gave me; they are for protection. I am guessing he did not tell me how it was because he did not want me worried.I think he feared if someone broke in but he would not tell me that.

He would in real life too always insist (never say a word about it, never ask if OK) but place his body very, very close to mine and his arm around me during the nights.

I would be placed in such a way that if someone would have broken in - his body would have protected mine.

Perhaps that is what the experience I had with the invisible body next to me tried to show me.

I think in the end it do not matter if it was his astral body or if it was a replay of a suppressed memory of mine. Either way I suppose I needed to get the message and look at it from a different perspective.

I know I had suppressed memories from the relationship, and that for sure was one of them, that he always did that. (It wasn't about "getting it on" so to say).

It is I suppose the only conclusions I could come to.

he did not want me but maybe the reason he did not want me was because had he kept me as close as he used to - I would be in danger; he didn't know perhaps.

Then again he refused to let me go. So that was the confusing part. It was not as if he would ever think he could only have me as a friend of benefits, that was not ever going to happen, that had never been the nature of this relationship and never something that would be my style. So he could not have hung on to me for that reason.

No matter from what angle they would force their way in - they would never get to me first the way the bed was positioned (he would not have it any other way) - only him.

I know he said if something happened it wasn't my fault and to not look for him and to not let it be known - and just keep on walking. As if he, we had been of no importance at all. He would say it would be too late for him and that he did not want me to risk doing anything at all to try to help him.

That I just had to walk, and keep on walking, and not look back.

So the answer was there I suppose al along: That he had to make me not important. He had before made me important. And now he had to undo it and still somehow keep me and give me no answers what exactly he wanted with me.

I realize our surrounding was very much controlled by him, the people that were in our lives. He wanted or needed to control me. His strange interrogations of me was quite something; a clue something wasn't right with him. He was starting to slip.

In another breath he told me not to be worried and that it wasn't something dangerous at all (but he would still not talk about it, he would never talk about it. He would never get drunk or take drugs or anything else that would make him talk. I would never put pressure either. All I wanted was to him to get out of it at least.).

He would not have gotten involved with it in the first place I think if he had had not had the restlessness in him and the need for narc-supply, to be everywhere and nowhere. I have seen actually the same sort of behavior in some rare friendships of mine and it is always caused by them running away from meeting their own pain, he must have been running before I even met him. I think he wanted to come off as more important than how he was or how he felt like deep down and that was already in process before he met me. I think him entering what it now was was just another sign that he wanted to be important, somehow. It wasn't enough to just be.

I think it has been important for me to separate what was my own dirty laundry, you know and what was his, and not take on his as mine.

I think if I learn to place myself out of the equation, not feel my own perspective, my own emotions, but try to look at it in a neutral factual way it helps, gives me the answers I never got.

The psychiatrist, the counselor and on could not I think help me all the way to heal I think as I was keeping things from them - I kept, always, that he had been involved with something (and I would never say his name or what he looked like or anything else to give him away, not his background - nothing, nobody he or I knew and on). I never knew who knew who and who could take a peek in my journal. He had made me feel watched in the relationship and I still felt watched for a long time but did not know if true or false but I was still not taking any chances.

I realize it would have been important clue to have given the one treating me about him now having been involved with something, both how it could have effected him, and how it effected me.

All this time before I did not put two and two together: the whole system he had put up for reason to protect and not the fake reason he gave me, why he always insisted on holding me in such a way throughout the nights (I got poor sleep from it), why he always was positioned like that in the bed, why the bed was positioned like that.

Even if I had questions later on and he tried to insist on meeting up with me I just couldn't; I was so angry and scared too and scared of getting sick with panic attacks. Who was I to know if he faked it - and he would have something bad happen to me? What if he would turn me over somehow? Who was I to know. Besides I did not think he could help me with closure as his lips would be sealed always. He had been mentally (mainly) abusive and I did not want him back and I had gotten over him but still not what happened but just trying and actually suppressing, forgetting it.

Because of him I was afraid of being in crowds of people, if men walked several of them in my direction. I was afraid to go to discos where there was a dim light (which was of course all of them). I would try to force myself to simply endure such situations and more and more tell myself I was safe. Every time he was able to find me and get through it brought everything back - that nightmare, that old me I wanted to desperately forget I had ever been.

the relationship got to be about manipulation, control, fear and not what it was suppose to be about - love.