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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 07-09-2022, 02:30 AM
asearcher
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How to answer back, or not? to that kind of humor?

I have noticed I have entered a new kind of gang of people who has the same type of humor that my husband had (still has, I bet). He would lots of times make fun of me, and share stories, and since that was basically all I got to hear from him it began over time to effect me. He was restricted in giving praise, compliments (as that would make him what? vulnerable?). I was the opposite. I would give people compliments, praise, and him too, would joke but not on their expense, I wouldn't take a chance.


I have thought if their put-me-down dark sense of humor is because they in one way want to come or feel entitled to be close to me, that they have the right to do that, and if they too at some level feel inferior to me, as they need my help but I mean I know they are good at what they do, and I'm good at what I do, so I don't see myself as superior in any kind of way, we're at different positions, that's all.

How to answer back?

I can not bring myself to joke like that back. I never did that with my husband when he was like that, and I don't feel like doing it with this new gang either. That doesn't seem to stop them.

I can see their vulnerabilities that they may not be aware at all that I see. I saw it before in my husband too. Because of my empathy I can not go to attack. I do not want to join the game.

I have a better self esteem these days than before so in one way I can handle it better than when I finally cracked under pressure before but it is to me still a kind of sad reminder of how it was OK to be the one you made jokes about like that, my husband did it and he allowed anyone else to do it as well.

I can tell these people are drawn to me, perhaps even more so than I am to them, and perhaps it is their sort of humor that to me works like this barrier, me not allowing them to come closer because of it.

Last edited by asearcher : 07-09-2022 at 03:24 AM.
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  #2  
Old 07-09-2022, 06:18 AM
CosmicWonder CosmicWonder is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,486
 
Hi,

The putting down type of dark humor usually exists because people are weak and need to toughen up. If I did it to you, it would be because I like you and want you to be better at standing up for yourself, in a lighthearted manner. I make a lot of fun of one particular guy because he couldn’t stand up for himself, but he is very nice and kind. So it just was too overwhelmingly attractive to tell him he needed to stop putting too much cheese on his pasta bolagnese because there are some kids down the street having hunger because of that. Anyway, I did it time and time again and now he puts extra cheese and it feels great to all of us. We laugh it off and we enjoy him getting to have a little unserious self defense.

I’m not aware of the kind of humor they give you, but if it’s like this then I wouldn’t mind. They’re showing you love in a very spiritual way. But not if it’s the toxic kind, where they drag you down. It should be supportive. You’re very sensitive, so it could be a lesson to put two middle fingers into the air and just do your thing and not care about what other people think or say. You don’t need to answer. You could have literally any approach to stand up and take your place. This guy I mentioned answers with action, others ignore and smile (we always say: ohhh watch out she’s a silent one) and others truly say something back. It’s personal. You could even give your niceness a mean twist.

Don’t get offending tho. The biggest lesson with this kind of stuff is boundaries. They need to know that too. But it’s kind of a thing that happens when people need to toughen up a bit, cause this world is hard you know.

Good luck and much kindness,

CW
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  #3  
Old 07-09-2022, 09:41 AM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 7,062
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Why others do it -or anything- is not really important. It is disrespectful and callous, and such behaviour can easily become a habit.
Like bullying another child at school. At some point that's a habit too, the new normal, a routine.

What you do... definitely not pretend you enjoy it and try to join in.
Clear communication, feminine communication.
- I don't like this. I feel hurt.
- I don't want this. It doesn't make me feel good.

Anything along those veins, preferably followed with a feeling thing in it, as you then draw it into the realm of the heart and feelings, out of the callous.
You don't even need to wait for a reply, you can for instance leave the room.
Depending on what's said, maybe say, "I don't want this. It doesn't feel good, it hurts me", get up and leave. Possibly add "so I'm going to do something else."
You can even be clearer, depending on what is said, and say, "I don't like being treated this way. It doesn't feel good." Then leave or add "I'm going to do something else."

Communicate along those lines. That is feminine communication which is clear and has the goal to express how you feel, which will draw it from the more ego & mental dynamic into the feeling and heart space.
It can have an amazing effect.
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  #4  
Old 07-09-2022, 04:16 PM
asearcher
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Hi, thank you both very much for your perspectives and suggestions on how to proceed :)
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  #5  
Old 08-09-2022, 04:19 AM
asearcher
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Me back again. H ave to be careful what I write here or not so I won't blow any cover.

What I can add is that someone part of doing this in this gang has too told me that it feels so good that in some particular situations I have not done what the other one has done/the attitude, seeking the opportunity, to this other one. I hope that makes sense, LOL and that I was/am not too cryptic. So anyways there is this relief that I am not doing it when that someone has been used to it being done to itself (even if that someone too participate in it itself).

What I think is sad is that my previous experience too tell me that people do not dare to be vulnerable when they should be able to feel free to be that because they do not know if it will be made fun of later.

Last edited by asearcher : 08-09-2022 at 03:38 PM.
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  #6  
Old 11-09-2022, 10:12 PM
Traveler Traveler is offline
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Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 987
 
Keep being you. Sarcastic wit is great unless it's constantly directed at you. The trick is to be sarcastic without cutting the other person down. There was a letter in a local national newspaper advice columnist about someone who grew up in a family that enjoyed sarcasm and putting other people down as humorous. The writer said that she noticed she wasn't as open to her family anymore because of it and her friends said the same thing. Being the butt of someone's joke, sarcastic are not is not fun. People who grow up in that environment quickly learn to use sarcasm as a wall to protect themselves from the put downs and 'jokes' that are hurtful.
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  #7  
Old 12-09-2022, 04:50 AM
asearcher
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To Traveler: Thank you for sharing, I agree, that is the down side to it. I have seen that take place in a family too.

It is hard for me to describe the differences as they stand shoulder to shoulder, but one knows when a joke is made on you for the person making it wanting to place itself superior, and there is no feel-you-out, no empathy there.

My own sort of dark humor is that when things gets so ridiculously dark, tragic, it almost turns to funny, when everything happens at once, and it sort of place me out of the situation and looking right at it, and it helps, and I don't hurt anyone by it... But I have noticed that some are still about to blow up when I am in a corner laughing and trying to hide that. I don't know how many times this used to happen before, if lets say my car broke down and my husband got really irritated, while I would try to make all kinds of jokes to help cheer things up. Not to mention all those typical "perfect moments", vacations when it gets to be a nightmare instead. I'll be laughing at the situation we're in, but yeah been times he's been giving me a look to kill. It has taken a while before he can smile at it too. I wish to take photos of the disasters as well to remember it by, but that is stretching it. I do lots of jokes on my own expense and I know how to move my body, how to look, to make it across. It's appreciated, I've learned, LOL. There has been times I have wondered if it destroys the romantic mood though but so far so good. I don't originate from a family where we would put each other down the way my husband and others has been ridiculed and I think that is why he has been more careful and not so loose up than I have been and am, so he would laugh at me instead.

I guess the golden rule is to not do to someone else what you would not want someone to do to you?

Anyways, one always gotta feel people out, I think. We can all have our different set of humor but not force ours on someone else if it ain't their thing. To then find another way to connect instead. I mean, there's gotta be more than that

I guess one can think do I want to be part of this problem or not? Or do I want to be something else, and then just be that.

Thank you, I will do that, keep being me :) ;)

Last edited by asearcher : 12-09-2022 at 05:39 AM.
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