Swearing during a disagreement/argument.

[selflove929]

Hi all,

My partner swears a lot in general, specifically the word f***.
I don't mind that he swears when he's in a good mood, or when he's expressing how great something is, because I myself at times do the same.

I am seeking some guidance via Spiritual Forums. I am finding that my partner swearing when we have a disagreement or are arguing/fighting, is affecting me negatively. When I hear someone who is swearing when they are upset or angry with me, it makes me tense up, and I find that we get much more heated than I think we need to get. I do not swear when I am arguing with my partner. I focus on my breathing at times to stay calm, and I deliberately do not raise my voice as well. I have voiced my feelings to my partner, about how his swearing affects me negatively: I sometimes get numb, or as I mentioned earlier, I tense up, and I start to feel 'small.'

I also have been resistant to change. I like our apartment to be clean and tidy. I do not like to have dishes left in the sink for more than a day, and I prefer to have all the dishes washed before I sleep. I like to keep the floors clean, and I like to have blankets folded and items placed where they were originally stored. I have annoyed my partner by asking him to do things regarding cleanliness, since my partner is a messy person, and to him he is not bothered by messiness. My partner has been understanding and has stepped up to the plate by ensuring he washes his dishes before he sleeps or right when he wakes up, and does the cleaning that I have asked him to do. I however have been 'nagging' him and have been insensitive about 'when' I ask him to help me with a house chore. I might ask him in the morning before work, or right when he gets home from work. My partner is frustrated that I have not been changing my tactfulness to accommodate his needs about this, since he has expressed to me how much he dislikes when I bombard him with things I'd like him to do.

I'm aware I need to change on my end, and today it really sank in my head that I need to change my behaviour. I have voiced to him that I will seriously change. I asked him if he would also change his swearing, he said he would not, and that I should not try to change him because his swearing is a part of who he is.

Any feedback is appreciated! I'm starting to think that I place too much emphasis about swearing? However it's really hard to wrap my head around it because I get a physiological/emotional response that's negative for me when my partner swears at me. Is it not okay to ask my partner to stop swearing, since he's changing to accommodate my cleanliness habits already? And I should step up to the plate to change my reaction and response to his swearing?

Thank you!!!

Hi!

I recognize myself in this! Only somewhat reversed, LOL. My luv has more temper than I have, swearing is part of it, but if you think of it - is it really the swearing that is what is bad? Is it not the temper itself? Like you I focus on the subject of the disagreement without getting as upset as my luv is, no matter if it is a subject he has brought up or me or both. I can get angry too, of course. I do not come from a home where some language was used, that is the language he is using. He is using a kind of language that comes from his first family. It can have different meanings to different people. I'm alright with swearing, but I have objected to the name calling and told him if you call me that one more time we are done. After that, never again. I have too told him when I heard how he used a sentence from his first family when disciplining a child that that will be allowed over my dead body, that it is a sentence that is a sentence a bully use. After that he has used it one more time when I overheard but by then because the child knew now it was a bad sentence made it into a joke and pointing at him, making fun of him. He has understood that the meaning behind the sentence - the damage of it. Now we all make fun of him with this joke, and he joins in with a laughter.

About the cleaning...(sigh). I am not a messy person, but my luv make it look as if I am. This has caused that not only can I not relax in the home, but feel a constant feeling of not being good enough or that I have missed picking up something and so on, before he heads home. Have you seen the movie "Sleeping with the enemy" with Julia Roberts? Watch it with your partner and have a laugh (even if it is a very sad movie) to just get a point of how ridiculous it really is. The way I look at it it becomes a poisoned parent- child relationship if you are that different in the minds of what is a cleaned and in order home. The one who demand more is the one who automatically think they are in their rights to make the other person feel less and not good enough and that it is more the other one's home than the equal home.

When I pointed it out to him he has stoped behaving, saying those words but because he has been like that for so long it is now automatically in my head, it is a way a bully acts, really. A bully can say it so and so many times and then no more, but it lives on. I am now working on un-training me to not feel that way. You got to meet somewhere in the middle maybe when it is two opposite ends?


People who are in a romantic relationship should make each other, at least, feel like their partner is good enough. It's very important. Too one should not be as tough as one can be in other kind of relationships, but often we can be the toughest in fights with that partner than with anyone else, because we do have our high standards, we do expect the other to be our mirror. Relationships where one is that close to each other is tough! Too it's unfair, sometimes!

I and my luv has told each other of our strenghts together as a couple and apart, and were we are the exact opposites, but you can't place too much focus on the opposites, then you forget all the other great qualities the other person has that you fell in love with. Make sure the other person know that too, it is easy to take each other for granted, to think our love is so strong it can survive anything. It can't. You have to care for it and hope for the best.

I think a relationship should still have the "I" in it, but too the "we" in it, but the "we" can't overshadow too much the "I". If you start to look at your partner as one individual, and you as another you will notice you will get more respect, and you will feel a more endearing love for the partner, that is how it has worked for me, anyways.


If the two of you can't work it out by yourself don't be afraid to ask for help, there is no shame in it, couple's go through all kinds of messed up things, but everyone is too protective of the relationship and may not reveal the issues to people outside their bubble, but there is no perfect couple out there, you got to work on it. You will learn things about yourself and your partner and it will bring you closer together. It's a good thing =)

If you can deal with it without seeking professional help, that's great, it isn't about who is right or wrong, but that the "we" should be "right" together with equality, not one pushing down the other. What you have described is 2 different fields where in the fights he has the upper hand, and about the cleaning you have it. These issues can be solved =)

Blessings to you.

[astralsuzy]

When my husband swears I walk out the room and close the door. I do not want to hear it. He feels bad and apologises. That was when he used to go to work and had a lot of stress. He is now retired and is much calmer and more relaxed. He swears a lot less now.

I would be extremely upset if my husband swore at me. He has never done that. It seems that your partner does not respect you as he swears at you. It might be a good idea to find another partner, someone who will not swear at you. I could not handle that. That is so bad.

If you have an argument it is not good to swear, raise your voice or yell. It is best to talk calmly and work things out. If you are angry it is best not to talk about it and wait for another time when the person has calmed down.
About the chores I wash up and do other chores around the house. My husband does maintenance or he works out our retirement plan and other expenses. It gets complicated. If my husband wants me to do something I will do it and if I want my husband to do something he will do it. I wash up after dinner. There are times when I do not do it as I am tired so I do it in the morning.

It is good to be clean and tidy but not to extreme that it makes the other person feel stressed. I am not saying that is you.
Asking your partner to do chores in the morning before work and getting home from work is not a good idea. I would not ask my husband after work to do chores. My husband would want to relax after a stressful day at work. I think we would have disagreements if I tried to get him to do things. It does not matter who does what so long as you both do things. It usually equals out evenly.

[lostsoul13]

I swear **** when excited as well but it’s seemed to exchange there than other swearing while arguing, I understand the tense seems you have some tension— maybe try to relax if you know these things about your partner it would make you less anxious? you can’t change everything but if you’ve spoken to your partner and it’s in agreement I’m sure the change will come about!? You know what’s best but probably I would feel the same, belittled and small( it’s the same for banging) it gets too me just relax a little at least you recognise the problem! Better keeping it locked away!

[selflove929]

Thank you for responding!!
I appreciate the feedback and perspectives on the topic I brought forward. It has helped me gain some insight into the situation.

<3 Much love to you all.

[Native spirit]

Many people swear out of habbit it could be the way they were bought up.

there is always give and take in a relationship. its not all one sided

there is also Exceptance. expecting the person to change because you dont like something about them
needs to be talked about with your partner.


Namaste

Hi to you... And the "*" word, in general has even being recognised as a real word in the dictionary,
because it has become so very common...
However...
It all depends upon how it is used.
I say it all the time..... In fun !...
If I say it in anger, people know I mean business.....

The truth of its origin is this...
Centuries ago, once married, and in order to carry on with a "sexual" relationship with ones husband/wife.... One needed to address the king and ask permission....
Upon permission granted ( after inspection of wedding documents)....
One would have a notice placed on their door which read ... "*. *. .*.*."....... Which meant,
"Fornication Under Consent of King ""......
Just a bit of useless info from me !!

What kind of partnership is it if the people are always fighting? Does it have any future except friction and anger? Just a shame that so few people seem able to converge.

Sounds like it endures out of convenience rather than 'love'.

[RedEmbers]

One of the reasons I divorced is because I did about 70 hours a week of unpaid domestic and child care with very little support.

It created a great deal of stress and sadness for me and also meant that I did not have an equal chance to go after things which would advance my own independance, security and fullfillment.

I am not interested in such unbalanced partnerships any longer. I expect that I have and be supported to access to equal opportunities and one way of achieving that is true EQUALITY when it comes to sharing the UNPAID domestic work and parenting responsibilities. In fact, I would be very clear about this from the very beginning of a romantic relationship now so that my future partner knows very clearly where I stand.


In regards to the swearing, if it was me I would draw up my boundaries and say "don't swear at me it makes me feel scared, I need you to speak to me in a calm voice in order for us to continue this interaction".

If the swearing continued, I would walk away and if they followed me I would say that I will not continue the conversation until my needs are respected.

[Traveler]

Originally Posted by selflove929

Hi all,

My partner is frustrated that I have not been changing my tactfulness to accommodate his needs about this, since he has expressed to me how much he dislikes when I bombard him with things I'd like him to do.

How about an old fashioned chore chart? Not the one for kids with stickers, just a list of chores that need to be done on a daily basis and who does what, stuck on the fridge.

I confess I swear like a sailor sometimes. I was listening to the radio the other day and a linguist was on who had written a book about swear words. And he was saying that the 'eff' word was immensely satisfying to say because it has a strong consonant in the beginning and the ending of the word. I say this word a lot, myself. It's a way to express frustration and blow off some steam at the same time.

If he's cussing at you and you find his anger and words intolerable, tell him that he can continue the conversation when he's calmer and you walk out of the apartment. If he's yelling at you and calling you names, that's a major red flag and you should probably kick him to the curb.

He needs to respect you and it doesn't sound that he is. He sounds quite immature.