Originally Posted by irisa
maybe these feelings keep returning, because in daily life something still needs to be learned/experienced?
You ask if maybe you still need to be forgiven? By whom? What if you just need to forgive yourself?
About the over and over returning of certain feelings...sounds familiar. I have this with an enormous feeling of grief that i just not seem to overcome.
Tears started coming out of nowhere some years ago. During a course in counseling everytime i started talking about myself....and about wishes or something like that...as soon as i started a sentence with ´I....´ i started crying almost uncontrollably. I felt weird and also a little ashamed.
Years later through dreams and lots of other strange experiences i found out that i was possible one of twins. When realizing this i experienced emotions like i never had before...totally crazy...
During that time i also had a few regression sessions to find out more about this, but instead i entered a possible past life. In that life i had a husband (with an agressive drink). We had 2 daughters and i was pregnant. I already had had a little of this life in a dream years before. During regression my husband returned home drunk and agressive. There was sort of a room underground where he would take me when agressive and drunk. He took me there and then cut the baby out of belly. He took the baby with him into the woods and left me dying.
I (still do) found it hard to say if i believe in past lifes, but again i got so intensely emotional. During regression, while dead, i felt an enormous wish to someday be together with my baby (son). Then there was a connection with the small twin brother i lost still in utero.
Over and over again i get so emotional, remember a little thing and find peace. But then days, weeks or months later...i get totally overwhelmed again.
It´s hard to grasp...not with a rational mind.
I hope you find peace with it someday...or ´the´ answer or ´the´ solution!
Irisa, thank you so much for writing to me. Your story touches me so. The "I" was the grief that it was no longer "we". Anything to do with babies we are programmed to be devestated about if something goes wrong, especially our own I think, in our body. Your past life story is horrific. Just horrific.
I understand you very well when you write about it not being rational.
When I first had my first flashback of my past life child I was remembering how much I loved this child and I was so heartbroken, in a flash. At the time I was just a young teenager and it just could not be explained in terms to someone else who had not had that type of experience themselves.
I can compare only little in comparision to what you have been through. With the ex who drank he would too take me to another room away from anyone else. I think because the rest of the family or friends would get on the alert or get frighten. He wanted to talk to me alone. In private. I often felt as if I was afraid and I wanted it over as soon as possible so I could get out with the other people.
He would touch me a lot in the every day life together but sadly too when he was irritated or angry (something my current love does too and I have never understood it). I was a little woman in that past life and he was a tall and strong guy.
In lots of memories I am confused because he slips forth and back in what could be a violent act or not, it is as if it is both, like for one example he would hold her on the arms or upper shouldrers or her wrists and he would trap her in his arms from behind. His grip would get more and more tight. The more angry he got. Don't know if he knew that or not. It felt as if he was close to loosing control. I tried to maintan calm.
Lately with this feeling returning to me I have been given flashbacks, also under meditation as I tried to return to that to get some answers. Before it has always been in the dark. Especially one. We would scream at each other and that was nothing new but then he run after me and he does something to me and I cry after and so do he. Before I was never able to know if it was him or not. He cried with his hand over his face, out of shame. He had hit me right before. I did not know it was him before. I had memory of this before, but he was blank to me.
I think I have forgiven myself. I think I did that knowing that other man meant nothing to me, never did, and it was a stupid act and I did it out of desperation because me and my husband just kept going in a circle of unhappiness. I still loved my husband, but I was unhappy and I knew he was unhappy too but he was too proud of a man and family man to give up. You just did not give up. He was taught not too.
He was prone to jealousy and I think he had isolated me and had me under his thumb for years as precaution that I would not be unfaithful. (when searhing on him I later learn an ex had been unfaithful to him so this could be why he let me be punished for it?).
There was a manipulation in the mist of this and I had naively surrended everything so he would feel safe and trust me. I did not know that it was not really me who owned this problem, he did. he had to fix it inside himself for it to be gone. I think I lost hope and got tired as It was not getting better with the jealousy, so many rules, so much to think off, so many times he would demand answers and she had to go back and think what exactly did she do when she did not answe the phone. If she was living as if she already had been unfaithful and being punished and isolated because of it then may it just then happen and then be over with and for him to let her go. I too did not think he would hurt like he did and when she saw his expression it hit her hard on the inside. I think she had thought he loved his creation and not her but on his looks it was as if he had loved her.
I think I was envious of his life, or well, his freedom. He was a business man and a man of the 50's and 60's where he too had a rich social life and the line between work and that social life was blurred out. He was demanding things from me as his wife, a role to play. I simply lived his life. I had a mask on me that was his creation. She let him have all his freedom, his frients and his hobbies and so on. She was not jealous like he was.
I had been young when we married with little clue of who I really was, what I liked and so on. I thought love meant me pleasing him and looking like he wanted me to look and do as he said. I did not know I had just given away the most precious gift of all time - my free will. I had confused sacrifise with love. I was dying inside, depression. He thought that was my problem. I was someone very sensitive (like I am now). I think he tried to understand and improve himself and let me find myself but it was only to some degree, he could not handle it. I remember I would say I was sorry so much before and then something changed. I apologized for myself all the time in any conflict with him. I was afraid of him when he got angry like that, just did not want to go through it again. It was more easy to say I was sorry. this way I don't think I felt free to talk. And things were settled his way. I kept it inside.
When I did find him in real life, still old he would actually write that although he had accepted what she had done, he would never forgive her. So I have seen it, even in writing. Too that he lost all his respect for her. He never thought she would be able to do something like that. That is what I have seen in writing. My heart sank. It came up during the divorce processe. It was in writing that the divorce was still her idea. That he too felt punished by their church when it was not his wanting to get a divorce, but hers. In his world view he had been a good husband. he had provided for his family. He had not cheated. He did not deserve this. "You have nothing on me". He would not give her the divorce and said he was in no hurry to have it and to remary. So time just went by.
With his story they returned to each other for a period after her cheating, but this reunion did not last, and she was the one again to ask him if they could split. She was the only one asking. So it was always her fault. Because she was not strong enough to stay. He was disgusted. It was her fault the family got ruined, that kind of attitude. But truth to be told they were only together as parents, his old passion for her was gone and no wonder with the past events. It felt different. I felt it.
I suspect when he hit her it had been when it had all come back to him and he had been drinking. And she knew he could never get pass it even if she told him the truth of what had happened and that the man had not meant nothing to her.
Even in his final words about her I could read that he still loved her but he still was too bitter about her. Not love her like he use to when they had been married but still a kind of love. It would copy how I would remember that he would and could any time just throw it in her face, little bitter remarks, when she thought they were talking about a child, agreement. They were friends then, but still, when she died. I could remember when he suddenly would say something like that it would hurt her but she would be silence about it.
I would see him flaunt other women in her face when coming to leave or get a kiddo with him, I think it was done intentionally, and I think she just swallowed it, took it, and try to take it graciously.
It was as if his need to punish her for what happened was too in the divorce agreements I could follow it, it could be over tiny matters. The judge must have thought it was crazy.
Still he let his other ex wife and kids go without struggle, but with me he struggled and changed his mind and so on about a lot of things, and I signed.
Dont understand how the same man could be so diffeent in attitude towards his 2 ex wifes.
I guess my fear is that even if he has now gone to heaven that he has not forgiven me.
I so hope you can find peace with what has happened to you in that past life and in this one. If you could meditate maybe and ask to know if they are OK, their spirits and see that they are? And know too that you are not alone, they are still with you in the spirit world and may even have been reincarnated with you?
Have you noticed if you feeling this way comes around specific dates? I am trying to figure out if mine is doing that or not.