My story as it develops - Preface.

Okay so heres what I wrote yesterday, i'll add bits as I go along, i'll start another thread for comments so as this thread is just like reading a book, feel free to comment on this other thread.


Title: Life is but a dream

Preface.

I want to tell you my story, for in many ways it is your story too. I was once asked "do you exist?" which at the time seemed a very odd question to ask, but now as I see the logic behind such a question I ask you the reader of this book "Do you exist?". If the answer is yes dear reader then this book is for you and you have an amazing future to look forward to.

My name is Sophia, if you look up the meaning of my name it may give you a clue as to where my story comes from, but I will leave that for you to decide.

I had what many would consider to be a fairly normal childhood. I did not fit into my family unit and felt different in all spheres of life. My parents (who did not understand me, nor make the effort to try to understand me) would regularly lament the fact that I was their child. I suppose looking back I was difficult for them to deal with, I had my own mind you see and this was not part of their plan for me. My mother had always dreamed of having a little mute barbie doll who she could dress up in pink lacey dresses and who would always love her unconditionally without too much effort in return. My father dreamt of living a life where my mother was happy and so it came to pass that my mother hated me for not always doing what she wanted me to do and my father hated me for making my mother angry.

It was not the best of starts and at the time I felt it was the sort of start that I could never recover from, for you see a child who is always told how bad they are becomes an adult who believes they are bad - which I might add is total rubbish. For me I believed I was bad to the core, I tried not to be, but the seed had been planted and the weed had grown until it swamped me and swamped the truth of who I really am. Have you ever noticed that people of low self worth attract people who trample all over them like a doormat, well theres a reason for that which we will come to later - and that was who I believed myself to be until 25 years ago.

I am writing this book in 2012, it's almost christmas, only a few weeks to go - the world is different now in a really good way, you will see when you get there.

My story begins in 1987 with a party at my friends flat in Brighton, I hope you enjoy it.........

Something drew me out that night, I don't know what it was but one minute I was thinking "there's no way on earth I'm going out tonight, not to another of those mindless parties round at Jeff's where everyone gets ****ed and stoned and talks bollocks and forces themselves to act like they're having a great time when in fact they're just shouting loudly to block out the voice of their soul which is screaming please help me I'm dying in here" I could see it, I could see the way people were, the lies they told to cover over the cracks in an attempt to be liked, the politeness they practiced in public whilst in private they slagged off any and everyone, I could see it and I was sick of it.

But then there I was shutting the door behind me and wandering down the road to Jeff's, "God I hate my life" I thought, "please send me an angel to get me out of here God" I laughed out loud at the thought, but somewhere inside my soul cried out for it to happen.

I arrived at the party just as it was getting messy.

"Hey Soph, hey glad you could make it, come in come in." Jeff slurred at me as he opened the door. "You know David and Karen don't you, and thats Darryl, Digsy, Jemma and Merv....this is Sophia. Soph, make yourself at home, there's a load more coming in a bit when the pubs shut so bag a seat before they come" He shut the door and left me to it as he went back to talk to Karen and David.

I picked my way through a bunch of beer cans and fag butts that littered the floor and searched for a seat that was clean(ish) and sat down.

"Hey so your Sophie, I'm Darryl, nice to meet you, very nice to meet you indeed" the guy in the armchair opposite me leered.
"Sophia, actually" I replied.
"Oh right Sophia, cor you are a bit of alright aren't you, wheres Jeff kept you hidden then?"
It was one of those conversations that started badly and just got worse, it was one of those conversations that made me think of a big frisky stupid dog jumping all over me, trying to lick my face and sniff my crotch whilst I valiantly tried to fight it off without hurting it and arousing its anger. The kind of dog you would like to give a quick kick to the bollocks to, but are a bit frightened of doing so, like a labrador/pitbull cross breed (if there is such a thing, although I suppose its improbable, I can't imagine a pit bull tall enough to enter a labrador nor a pit bull mild mannered enough to let a labrador enter it) but there he was in front of me a scientifically improbable cross breed, trying to get a sniff and not being shy about it either.

So as Darryl told me about the girlfriend who no longer wanted to be with him but he was over her, and as I fought not to commit myself to any sort of future meeting with him, I realised that this evening was exactly as bad as I had expected it to be.

"So in a sense, we should be able to shag whoever we want, cos at the end of the day we're only animals anyway aren't we" Darryl concluded "Fancy coming back to mine for an after party", wink.

"No ****ing way, are you a moron or something" - I thought " That would be nice but I have to do some work tomorrow, so probably not" I said. "Sorry Darryl I think I might just need the toilet, please excuse me"
"but you're coming back right?" Darryl asked.
No way - I thought " Possibly, I might see if my friend's come first though" I said and hurried off.

Sitting on the toilet, my mind was made up I was going to leave. I opened the door and rummaged to find my coat. There were more people now, 30 or so, drinking, dancing, letching and flrting it was definately time to go.

But as I opened the door, there he was and he looked straight into my soul and I think we fell in love that second.
"Are you leaving are you?"
"Yeh I think so."
"Well maybe I should leave to." He smiled warmly.
"But you only just got here."
"Ah but I only came to see you apparently"
"Apparently?"
"Yeh, apparently, how could I have known it was you I was coming to see until I had seen you? But now I have it was definately you. I'm Zeb"
"I'm Sophia" he was obviously just another smooth talking letch as far as I was concerned, "and I'm still leaving"
"Ah Sophia, Sophia, you won't even give me a chance" he laughed, his eyes twinkled as they looked into mine and I felt so warm inside suddenly, "well can I walk you home, I won't come in if you don't want me to, I'll just make sure you get home safely"
"I'm not sure, I don't even know you"although it felt like I did.
"Well let me tell you about me, I am Zeb, I write and I think, I would never harm a hair on your head - I think you know that already and destiny is telling me that I am here to walk you home or maybe to have one more drink with you inside" he pointed to the party.
"Okay, one drink then I'm going" there was something about him, no harm in giving him a chance, I thought.

We talked that night for hours, it was light when he walked me home. We talked about me, we talked about writing, we talked about life, the universe and everything and as we talked I felt filled with energy and hope and happiness in a way I never felt before.
We got to my front door and I wanted him to come in but before I asked he said.
"So Sophia, here's my number, ring me anytime no pressure. I've had a really lovely night thankyou." And he kissed my cheek and looked me in the eye with such affection before he turned to go that it frightened me. No one ever looked at me that way before, in my mind here was a man who could really hurt me and I wasn't ready to be hurt again.