Is forgiveness essential for healing?

[Roselove]

thank you jules! true i need to find my own self worth now..

Rosewater, I have a few thoughts about forgiving, so let me jump into this discussion.

For starters, I have found that true forgiveness is a much more powerful act than I ever imagined. There are many things in life that we here about, think we understand and kind of take for granted. In my experience, forgiving is one of those things.

The first person we need to forgive is ourselves, and this is a point that is often overlooked. In fact, I seriously doubt that it is possible to love or forgive anybody else more than we love ourselves. Once we realize this, we can also realize that there is no inherent conflict between loving ourselves, loving others, loving all that exists, loving God, etc. Whether we choose to do that or not is another matter.

It should also be noted that there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. If I forgive somebody, including myself, it is because I have looked inside myself and made the decision to forgive. However, that doesn't mean that the memory of what has transpired is erased from my consciousness. I don't know any way to make that happen. It means that I do not harbor negative feelings, anger, desire for vengeance, etc. against the person, but it does not mean that I'm going to put myself in a position to have the same thing happen again.

For example, I do volunteer work for a charity. Years ago, a guy I knew asked if I would loan him twenty dollars. At the time, I was pretty flush, so I loaned him the twenty. I've never seen a nickel of it come back to me. I forgive the guy and don't hold bad feelings toward him, but I'm not going to "loan" him money again. For twenty dollars, I was able to find out that he's the kind of guy who doesn't pay back money.

Another thing you might consider is that there is a difference between genuine forgiveness and apologies and phonies. If I decide to forgive or apologize, it's because I've decided that I truly mean it. However, I have been on the receiving end of phony apologies. The way they work is that somebody will come to you and make an apology (usually because they have done something to foul your relationship with them). Before they leave, they will usually say something to the effect of "There, I've apologized, but we know it was really your fault."

OK, I hope that some of this was helpful.

[Roselove]

"It means that I do not harbor negative feelings, anger, desire for vengeance, etc. against the person, but it does not mean that I'm going to put myself in a position to have the same thing happen again."


YES! thank you this is exactly what i need to do, just was having trouble articulating it.

I belief and have experienced that forgiveness is essential to healing. Not only others so, but yourself as well. By holding on to resentment, you are giving them power over you and stop your own growth. Now nobody says forgiveness is the same as forgetting. What you can do so is let the burden go and learn from the lessons you have received. Yes, you have received lessons from it if you look deep down inside and even if it was only what sort of persons to stay away from.

In my opinion, forgiveness is more about yourself than those that you forgive. Forgiveness allows YOU to move on and put what happened in the past. If you do not forgive, all that happens is that the resentment etc builds up in you and spoils your life and the person on the 'other side' probably doesn't even have an idea of how you feel about the situation. Without forgiveness, you are just keeping that person 'tied' to you because of those emotions you are feeling.

Forgivess doesn't condone the behaviour of the other person, it just releases YOU...

[Roselove]

right well said.. lol i feel a bit less resentful today

[Xan]

Rosewater... I haven't read all the posts in this thread and I'm sure you have gotten better understanding, and suggestions for your healing, from many people. But I have an urge to add my two cents worth.


Forgiveness does not mean the people who hurt you are unaccountable. But you recognize this is a matter not in your hands but is between them and their own soul. Besides, they are not the ones suffering from your remaining hurt and resentment... you are.

Forgiving does mean you are now willing to let go of the past, to heal yourself and be free of all that happened so you can go ahead in your life. We have talked about your use of EFT in the past, and this is a the core element in that healing method.

I posted an article in the forum about forgiving... what it is and a specific wiriting process for doing it thoroughly. I find this works much better for deep healing than simply having a surface release through a new thought and feeling.

The Power of Forgiving - http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.php?t=3683


blessings,
Xan

[Wolf63]

I think forgiveness is essential for yourself. You don't have to tell them you forgive them or let them back in to hurt you again. You just have to let it go yourself. I have finally forgiven my ex for plenty of bad treatment. In this process I realized things that I did to hurt him too. Some intentional some not. I probably will never tell him I forgave him. I did so in meditation. I felt my higher self was talking to his and asked forgiveness as well. And I actually feel sorry for his situation now but he is a leach and I would never give him even a small opening. I divorced him 29 years ago this is how long I have carried the resentment, anger, and hurt around. Now I can think of it and not feel myself go into a rage. This forgiveness theme has come up several times in the last couple of years for me. Its like the person ends up right in front of me and I have to deal with past resentments. But the ex was the biggest yet. I think I am getting there. Good luck!! There are lessons everywhere.

[Xan]

Good self-healing work, Wolf!


blessings
Xan

[Smiler]

Hi Rosewater

I agree with Innerlight.. maybe also not forgetting is just protecting yourself until you get to a level whereby you can accept that their path is not yours!
Forgiving maybe does come first ..maybe? And forgetting comes when you feel stronger in yourself!

Blessings
:)