I am a scandalous abomination!

[SaintMatthew]

So, I am actually very altruistic, in the sense that I want everyone euphoric, happy, peaceful, want all dreams come true.

I want the blameless to find their reward first and foremost, but I even want the Devil, demons, antichrist, damned souls, and the mother of harlots (Babylon the Great from revelation, woman who rides the beast), to all find total relief from pain and suffering, find joy, laughter, bliss, and some version of Heaven, even for damned souls in hell some day, because I don't want anyone to suffer.

I have done many charitable deeds most people wouldn't do, when I'm able to, and I'm able to love some monsters, who do some pretty bad things, even people who have victimized me, and I love murderers and rapists, blasphemers, abortion doctors, and Dictators, because I think those are some of the most poor, bankrupt, tortured souls, sometimes the most unloved, sometimes the most abused.

The problem is, in my love for monsters, because I know how much they are suffering, I will go to many lengths to provide entertainment or amusement sometimes, to those kinds of people, saying or writing things, or behaving in ways that will cheer them up, or that they can appreciate, at the expense of myself causing great offense to the pure of heart, the modest, the humble, the law abiding, the chaste, the meek, or the innocent.

Also, quite frankly, I don't want God to damn anyone to Hell, so when I read the Bible talk about God having an attitude, where most people are not saved, and says he painfully killed the whole world with a curse, and multiplied the labor pains women go through during childbirth, to the point that was the main reason the average woman didn't live to see the age of 30 for thousands of years, it makes me see God as a worse monster than the serpent who told Eve to eat the fruit, because the serpent didn't kill everyone for crimes they are not guilty of, or have them born cursed, so that they are naturally inclined to sin, and feel separated from God.

That was entirely the decision of God, and it has made life torture for a lot of people, agony, and gives everyone the fear, pain, and grief of death.

So, in view of that, I feel the most noble thing I can do is oppose God, because Jacob fought with God, Scripture says he fought with God and won, committing physical violence against him even, not letting Go when God asked him to, and his name was changed to Israel, which means "contender with God".

Jacob also was blessed for committing Idolatry with a woman, and he had loyalty not to God, but only a woman, obeying her telling him to wear his Twin's clothing, take credit for her work as if it was his, lie to his father and say that he was his Father's favorite son, who did the most difficult work to please the father, the first born, the Father's favorite of the two by far, and steal from his brother and Father, the blessing that didn't belong to him, the greatest blessing in Scripture "blessed are those who bless you, cursed are those who curse you, in you all people shall find their blessing".

That actually is the only reason Jacob became the Father of the twelve tribes of Israel, the most holy sacred bloodline coming to the world through him and his descendants, salvation and the Messiah descending from him, the only reason was, because he lied, he stole, he dishonored his father, he deceived, he impersonated someone else, and he committed Idolatry by placing a woman as someone he had unflinching loyalty to, without respect for the laws of God, or the wishes of his Father, whom God placed over him as the superior of the household by Divine decree.

Jacob was given an extremely great reward, a blessing, a bright future, success, by essentially being a criminal and breaking multiple of the ten commandments. He also used forbidden sorcery to change the colors of sheep to deceive someone for financial gain. Using sorcery for noble causes isn't considered okay in the Bible, but to use it to deceive, trick, for financial gain, and then be blessed, yet again, blessed by God for it, is bizarre.

Then to make it far more bizarre, he commits physical violence against someone that it says is a man, some translations say an Angel, then it becomes clear that he was fighting with God, refusing God's request to let go of him when asked, demanding that he will not let go until God gives him what he wants, then being told he fought with God and won, and his name is changed to "Contender with God", that almost sounds like him being rewarded for demonic behavior, acting like the Devil, because the Devil is also a contender with God, trying to fight with God and win, like he did.

So, because I want universal salvation, I want everyone to be happy, I want heaven to be brought even to the Devil and damned souls, so no one suffers, and I kind of find it irrefutable that the Bible says God killed everyone for crimes they didn't do, crimes Adam and Eve were guilty for, and multiplied pain women go through giving birth, (which for many centuries killed a large percentage of women), it seems to me the most noble altruistic thing to be doing, the most charitable thing to be doing, that is going to relieve the most suffering, is to try and find a way to be like Jacob, fight with God and win, be blessed for doing things that are forbidden, all of which he accomplished, and Scripture makes that clear, but do it always with altruism, and relieving suffering, as the motive and goal. That sounds good to me.

But in the process of all that, I tend to believe sick, disordered, perverted, wicked people, they simply cannot help themselves, and I find myself trying to entertain or amuse them, and I have a love for people no one else can love, and it causes me to lose a lot of friends, especially Christians, because they see how I behave, the things I do to try and entertain or enhance such people's lives, and the thing that scandalizes them the most about it, is it isn't expected at all.

Because I am very naturally altruistic, (back when I had my jobs remodeling and delivering papers, or stimulus checks, had money to give, I gave much larger percentage of what I had away, than the vast majority of Christians would, far more than tithing), and I also spend a lot of time in prayer, and am always feeling the pain of others, and compassionate, so it leaves people thinking I'm a good Christian, so completely shocked when they see my dark side, or my love for monsters.

It is far more scandalous to a Christian or the pure of heart, than if they saw that behavior coming from someone who obviously had no morals, because the shock of it coming from someone you think is virtuous, is more likely to leave people cynical, apprehensive, or feeling like they were deceived.

It isn't how I want to be, but like the yin and yang, I have a very dark side, a light side, and I tend to especially be concerned about lovers of darkness, whom God has rejected, and I try to ease their misery, because they strike me as being the most tortured, and the ones with the worst agony in store.

The lovers of light, I don't worry about much. They have their reward in this life, and especially in the next.

Also, let's not forget, King David was the most anointed blessed man of his time, a prophet, a priest, a King, and he had a very holy man, his right hand man Uriah, violently murdered, so David could get away with getting his wife pregnant. King David was actually renowned for his humility, called "a man after God's own heart", yet even I in my worst darkness and depravity, wouldn't have intercourse with a woman I know has a husband, and I especially wouldn't have her husband murdered so that I could get away with it. I think we shouldn't ever be too scandalized by how even prayerful people we think are virtuous behave, even if they are behaving like the Devil himself!

But, I cause a lot of scandal, fear, worry, confusion, offense, and discomfort, to some very good people, people that I like very much, have much respect and love for. Sometimes I feel perhaps possessed, or filled with darkness, cursed. Let me know what you think. Your prayers are appreciated. God bless you!

[sky]

SM you are NOT a scandalous abomination, you have a unique ability to feel love for everyone regardless of their actions and that's a blessing

[SaintMatthew]

Originally Posted by sky

SM you are NOT a scandalous abomination, you have a unique ability to feel love for everyone regardless of their actions and that's a blessing

Thank you. I appreciate it.

I simply think I go too far sometimes, can really lack prudence, have very poor judgement, forget that trying to entertain and amuse one audience, at the expense of scaring, scandalizing, offending, or angering another audience, (the more noble one at that), well, such behavior should never be thought as a good service, or charity, even if it manages to make someone chuckle , or entertained.

Also, I can have great animosity towards God, and I don't realize how ugly and disrespectful and offensive some of my blasphemies are. I think I take that stuff far too lightly, need to watch my mouth, don't know who I think I am, can be arrogant, can be quite oblivious to what kind of effect I'm having on people.

[Miss Hepburn]

If you think you are a scandalous abomination and don't want to be ..then stop. :)

Originally Posted by SaintMatthew

. Let me know what you think. Your prayers are appreciated. God bless you!

Consider counseling to examine why attention is so important to you……

[SaintMatthew]

Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn

If you think you are a scandalous abomination and don't want to be ..then stop. :)

As simple and non complicated that advice is, it is very wise for me to heed, and can prevent me from suffering, prevent God from suffering, prevent others from suffering or offense, and it isn't worth immature laughter, amusement, or entertainment , or failed attempts at any of that, because I mistakenly feel it benefits one person, at my expense, at the expense or offense of others, and even if it succeeded at entertaining or amusing someone, they never benefit from it, it is a disservice to them as well.

So, I will have to , with the grace of God, need to focus on purging myself of sin and vice. Sin and vice has consequences, and I'm in a mess, but I think it is time I take accountability, that my sins have put me in a mess.

A lot of people have had much worse consequences, for less sin, so I should praise and thank God I am given an opportunity that many sinners were not given, perhaps due to the age or country they were living in, with more harsh laws. I live in Saint Paul. When Paul was Saul, he oversaw the arrest and the killings of some very holy people.

If he can overcome his bad ways, I think I can as well. And I need to keep in mind, my bad example doesn't just hurt me, even if I kid myself into thinking it only hurts me, far from true. Sin and immoral habits hurts those we come into contact with, even when we don't intend it, or not aware of it, as well as prevents us from doing the good deeds we are called to.

The best lessons learned, are the most difficult, sometimes the most humiliating, and painful. Proverbs says that the Father who loves his son, will not spare his son the rod (painful discipline, consequences, tough love).

I have been living a double life of sin, and darkness, combined with prayers and virtues, for a long time, leading me to enough consequences that I jumped off a three story building onto concrete, to spend ten weeks in a wheelchair, and laid down in front of an oncoming train at night, that stopped, and I got arrested.

Sometimes trying to combine prayer and virtues, with darkness and sin, that can be worse, a bigger disgrace, cause greater scandal, than just being totally immoral.

I think that is what Jesus meant by "I want you hot or cold, if you are lukewarm I will spit you out."

Painful humiliating lessons , defeats, and failures, can be worth a lot more than winning a jackpot lottery. The worse thing is if God leaves a person feeling comfortable in their sin

I count the consequences and discomfort a blessing. My name at this forum really shouldn't ever have been Saint Matthew. I am no Saint, but he was a very sinful tax collector.

I had plenty evidence that God was asking me to learn my lesson a long time ago. Better late than never!

[SaintMatthew]

Originally Posted by Molearner

Consider counseling to examine why attention is so important to you……

It goes back to a mother winning custody, a Dad kidnapping us after he failed to win custody, trying to raise us ina different country illegally, Portugal, returned to a mother who had been cheating on my Dad while married, been having four failed marriages, she had lots of boyfriends, some of them without morals or abusive, and she didn't have time for her children, we didn't have a responsible father figure, there was pornography and drugs in the house, that I was exposed to at the age of 8, she was a doctor on call , who was not home to supervise us, she prescribed me an addictive controlled substance age 11, and that wasn't the only one.

Consequently, I can't blame her, but a child growing up in that environment, watching satanic movies on TV, reading extremely bad books in the house at a young age, it opens the door to all kinds of disorders, darkness, and anyone who believes in scripture would say demons, and becoming a slave to them and sin, at a very early age.

When habits begin that young, it is deep seated, becoming a part of your development, something that remains a woundedness, a leprosy of the soul and mind, long after finding Jesus, changing many habits, making lots of progress, learning compassion, growing a lot, the sickness and disorder lingers, it's many disasters and steps backwards, mixed with progress and steps forward.


Not to mention, age 12, I had a cell mate in juvenile detention, who raped and drowned a girl in a river, and I knew more people like that in the institutions and impoverished environments, and homeless shelters, far more than most people meet in their entire life, even before the age of 18.

So, I came to at least despise what such people were doing, but I also don't believe them , or a lot of prostitutes, or women who get abortions, mentally ill, drug addicts, I just don't believe they can help themselves, and they are constantly tempted to do what other people don't ever think about doing, and they are hated for it, apparently even by God.

So, I figure, they are the lepers, they know people despise them, they feel rejected by God and religious people , they are the most difficult for anyone to love, their lives are chronic shame, many people (including Christians) do not feel sorry for them if they die a tragic death, and depending on their vice, devout Christians can very much rejoice at such an end coming to the wicked.

So, I tend to be against anything that victimizes or hurts people, while at the same time, I want even hell to one day be an enjoyable, intoxicating, entertaining, full of laughter (even if it sometimes has to be kings and Queens of dark humor), a pleasurable, euphoric place, for those rejected by God, because I just don't want these tortured bankrupt monsters to be suffering forever.

I figure if I don't love them and advocate for them, or be their friend in some way, show them to a certain extent i know where they are coming from, I share some of their ugly wounds etc. No one else , including God, or most religious people, are going to love them, because they are extremely difficult to love, and their vices cause others to suffer.

Serpents and Nile Crocodiles kill thousands of people every year. Yet, they really are just who God made them to be, God gave them venom, deadly bites, and a natural inclination to kill. Spiders petrify many people, and the females often eat the males during intercourse.

That is very creepy. But they are actually following the instincts God gave them, it was his idea, so I don't see them in any way able to help themselves, or at fault, for being the scary monsters God gave them the natural inclination, looks, venom, or deadly abilities to be.

The same thing I feel is with people, or malevolent spirits.

I feel it is often their destiny or curse, including the destiny God wants for the Antichrist, to be predisposed to be that way, often they cannot be helped, or help themselves, their end is very miserable, the next life for them is agony. I find it heart breaking, and I feel sorry for them.

[KnowwhatLies]

Originally Posted by SaintMatthew

So, I am actually very altruistic, in the sense that I want everyone euphoric, happy, peaceful, want all dreams come true.

I want the blameless to find their reward first and foremost, but I even want the Devil, demons, antichrist, damned souls, and the mother of harlots (Babylon the Great from revelation, woman who rides the beast), to all find total relief from pain and suffering, find joy, laughter, bliss, and some version of Heaven, even for damned souls in hell some day, because I don't want anyone to suffer.

44But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.

Seems exemplary regarding this passage quoting Yahushua.
Unless specific details are given and these action result in what is evil to Yahuah.

Originally Posted by SaintMatthew

So, in view of that, I feel the most noble thing I can do is oppose God, because Jacob fought with God, Scripture says he fought with God and won, committing physical violence against him even, not letting Go when God asked him to, and his name was changed to Israel, which means "contender with God".

How a being that rules heaven(access to all energy in it), can send meteor strikes ,quakes, raise the dead, give super strength that bests thousands of soldiers and other miracles even lose to mortal men who gets tired, unless the victory is given? Ya-acob was tested

Originally Posted by SaintMatthew

Jacob also was blessed for committing Idolatry with a woman, and he had loyalty not to God, but only a woman, obeying her telling him to wear his Twin's clothing, take credit for her work as if it was his, lie to his father...

Idolatry=worship of idols. Where does it describe Ya-acob doing so or not having loyalty to god?, please quote the passage.

23Yahuah declared to her: “Two nations are in your womb, and two peoples from within you will be separated; one people will be stronger than the other, and the older will serve the younger.” Genesis 25

It was preordained to whom what shall belong.

Originally Posted by SaintMatthew

Jacob was given an extremely great reward, a blessing, a bright future, success, by essentially being a criminal and breaking multiple of the ten commandments..

Please quote the passage regarding sorcery? Ya-acob was old and blind or he would not have need touch the hands and based his opinion on them. Changing the color of sheep would be unnecessary.
Also the 10 commandments were not given then.

Originally Posted by SaintMatthew

Then to make it far more bizarre, he commits physical violence against someone that it says is a man, some translations say an Angel,.

Violence=behavior intend to harm, damage or kill. What harm have been caused by Ya-acob, according the bible?

[Miss Hepburn]

Hi Mr. Newbie Knowhat... and welcome - You don't know this, but I'm shortening your quotes above because the Admin asked
ages ago to keep the quoting to 2-3 sentences, total..we can always refer back to the orig post...esp if you give us the #. :)

What or who is Ya-acob, Yahushua, Yahuah, please?
Yeshua is Hebrew for Jesus, I know that one! Thanks

[SaintMatthew]

Originally Posted by KnowwhatLies

Ya-acob was tested Idolatry=worship of idols. Where does it describe Ya-acob doing so or not having loyalty to god?, please quote the passage. It was preordained to whom what shall belong.

What are you calling Idols?

An Idol is not just a polytheistic Deity or a graven image. If you have unflinching loyalty to a human being, listening to that human being telling you to lie, steal, deceive, and dishonor your father, whom God made the most anointed man on earth, with the blessing given from Abraham, to pass on, the superior and authority God placed over your household, it is the clear demonstration of ungodly sinful behavior, even if the ten commandments hadn't existed at that time.

He was raised in the most holy God-fearing household on earth, by parents who knew the mind and heart of God better than any parents, and the most blessed home of that time on earth, so would have had a better idea than children of any other parents on earth, what is pleasing to the God of Abraham and Isaac.

He would have known that God valued obedience to the male as the head of the household, and that was obvious God made him the superior, because he alone was given the blessing to pass on, and Abraham was the superior of his household, and that was Jewish tradition.

Jacob was also a very intelligent man, as a very young child, when he had Esau sell the birthright, more clever than average, who was very knowledgeable about God, despite his decision to fight God, and break the laws of God, which would have naturally been written on his heart: that lying, stealing, deceiving, dishonoring your father, wearing someone else's clothing without their permission ( to impersonate them and deceive a man of God for theft purposes), and take credit for someone else's work , and present it as your own, Jacob would know better than almost anyone , that is criminal behavior in God's eyes, and in the eyes of human beings who are not Jewish.

Atheists, Hindus, Shamans, Buddhists, taoists, and pagans, even know that behavior is wrong and shameful usually, because it is naturally written on the human heart to know it is wrong and shameful, or criminal to do that.

Also, Jacob having unflinching loyalty and obedience to a woman, and be named "fighter with God, contender with God", is another example of where his loyalty was not to God, but a woman he placed more importance in obeying.

To place a human as more important than God, is actually an Idol, therefore Idolatry, and people make celebrities and politicians, peers, or girlfriends, sex, drugs, or money their gods, or Idols all the time. The Bible speaks of gluttons making their belly their gods.

Google Jacob changing the colors of his sheep through rituals, to deceive Laban for financial gain. It was magic, intended for deception, to make money. Doing such a thing to deceive and make money fooling someone, is ordinarily very forbidden.

Also, this wasn't Jacob, but God told Jews not to make graven images, then commanded Moses to make a graven image of the most Satanic of all creatures, a brazen serpent, that dying Jews had to look at to be healed and survive.

Google it. It's in the book of numbers. God commands disobedience to his word and rewards people for it many times in scriptures.

In the book of Isaiah, God says "I create evil". Google it.

Moses told God that God was making a terrible decision to go destroy Israel in the wilderness, and scripture says "God repented of the evil he planned on doing to Israel.". Google that quote.

If God never sins, then why is he repenting of evil?? God also was admitting that Moses was more merciful, compassionate, and had better ideas than his maker. So, a human can clearly outdo God in mercy, compassion, charity, and rational thought. Imagine that!.