Kundalini syndrome/psychosis story. Need help.

[colory89]

Hi everyone,
I want to share my store about my kundalini/spiritual awakening because I really don’t know what to do anymore and I think I really need some serious help or advice.

I’m 28 now. I’m a male from small town in Poland. I used to have suicidal thought since I was probably 17/18 years old.

At the end of January 2015 (it was around 100 days after I stopped masturbating and watching porn, I had been really addicted to them) there was a day that I started to feel terribly exhausted. I could feel like my muscles around my spine started to loosen up and moment later I just felt like my whole body just gave up. Suddenly I felt electric rush from the bottom of my spine to my head. My heart started pounding like crazy. I got up and after few minutes it just calmed down. After few hours I found information that it could be kundalini. I don’t think I had ever met this term before that day.

So in May 2016 I went vegan. In the middle of June I noticed that I got really bad eye floaters. It really freaked me out. I was really scared and all I did was searching internet to find some kind of cure. I found out that I got these floaters because I had been taking B2 in big amounts and it can be toxic and can cause floaters. I also found some anecdotal evidence that going for a prolonged fasting can cure floaters. So I decided to go for at least 20 days fast. I did it and it actually didn’t help at all. For 20 days I drank only water. 2 days after I ended my fast I got really bad panic attack. Next day I called my mom and she took me back to my hometown. I moved back to my parents house.

Whole January 2017 was really weird and spiritual experience. At least 2 nights a week I had some kind of clearing that I couldn’t control but was fully aware. I didn’t meditate or anything. Usually next day I felt really orgasmic and awesome. Many times especially when it was dark I was seeing white sparkles at the corners of my eyes. I was waking up almost every night between 3-5 AM and I was feeling that some kind of bad entities were watching me. I read a lot of spiritual material. I think it was the first month that I absolutely devoted all my time to kundalini, to work with it.

At the beginning of February 2017 I had some downs. It was a really bad and intense time of my life. It was like almost every day I was just laying down in my bed and the thoughts of past bad deeds were coming to me. There were different kind of experiences during next 3 months. For example in the times where I couldn’t eat and drink I had this urge to spit a lot of saliva. I had heart palpitations. I could see energy. I could see light when I was closing my eyes. I had the feeling that I have to concentrate on my 3rd eye. I had headaches. I felt pressure in my forehead and on the crown of my head. I had ringing in the ears. I felt that world is going through big change. I was thinking about spirituality and how world should look like almost all the time. I always had to get to the right answer. After bad days there were coming also good days were I started feeling this sexual orgasmic feeling. When I felt like that I usually fitted my thoughts into this feeling. I had really weird sexual fantasies. During that time I was really anxious about everything.
And there came the May of 2017 that was absolutely insane. I started to think about other people and things that I did to them. After dealing with my relations with people for two days I was completely exhausted. It was evening I was laying in my bed when suddenly I felt like my body just can’t go on. Despite all the adrenaline, my body just completely loosen up. I felt this energy that was going from my crouch into my head through my spine. My heart was pounding like crazy. It wasn’t like my previous kundalini experiences. I was completely awake and terrified. It was almost midnight. My thoughts were racing. Suddenly I started to have thoughts that I have to go outside. I started having these thoughts that I have to go the certain spot in the forest and that probably my “alien” family will be there waiting for me (this was probably from everything I read about whole earth awakening. It is said that creatures from space gathered here, now to help and earth move into higher plane). They weren’t there. After a while I started to have thoughts that I should hitchhike and go to some kind of drug addict facility and volunteered there (these thoughts probably appeared because of all the biblical texts about selfless servings to others). I had these thoughts to just leave everything now and go there in the middle of the night. I was terrified. I was considering hitchhiking if any of the cars were passing me by. I came back home. These thoughts about volunteering where vanishing but I still had these feeling, pounding heart and energy. I started having thoughts about making a big barbeque party for all my neighbors. I started to have these thoughts that were forcing me to make it as fearful as it can be for me. I was fighting these thoughts for hours. I couldn’t sleep. About 11 AM these feelings and thoughts started to vanish. Also the energy. I think I went to sleep around noon and slept for 2 hours. After I woke up I didn’t want to do it anymore. I felt quite normal. (just thinking about this event makes me anxious).

There came these two days that changed everything. I started to have the same “energy awakening” that I had week or two weeks earlier. This time my thoughts were about leaving my house, selling everything and starting to live with homeless people in the city that I had been at the university. I couldn’t stop these thoughts. I went for a walk to the forest near my house and I remember that there was a moment that I felt like I was having heart attack. My heart was pounding so hard that I had to sit on the ground. I felt that I have to leave everything. I was terrified. I was struggling with it whole night. Every time I told myself that I won’t do it, I felt that I can’t breathe and had spasms.

After not sleeping for whole night and started thinking that I really had to do this because if I don’t it won’t go away. I tried everything to calm down but I wasn’t able. I started watching a YouTube video from a guy who connects idea of psychosis with spiritual awakening. I had listened to his videos before. He told that when he had his “psychosis” he had to get naked in crowd of people and had peed himself. I’m not sure if I had these thoughts before listing to that video or after but from now on I was thinking about getting naked in public. I was terrified. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t take it anymore so I got naked in my house. I came to my mother and I asked her to hug me. She called ambulance. After talking with my parents they took me to the nearest psychiatrist hospital.

In the afternoon I started to have this weird feeling. I was feeling that some kind of bad energy is in me. I started to feel really anxious. I asked nurses for some pills for calming down. It didn’t do anything. This feeling was growing. I started to think about killing myself. I went to the bathroom. I put two bags on my head and tied socks around my neck. I started to suffocate. Despite how horrible suffocation felt I didn’t stop because I wanted to die so much. I passed out. Someone tore apart the bags and I woke up. They gave me a shot and put in me restraining bed in isolated room. I remember that when they put me there I thought that this terrible feeling would never end. They gave me another shot. I calmed down a little bit. I fell asleep. I woke up at night I was still under effects of shots but I was quite conscious. I didn’t feel the horrible urge to kill myself tho.

After two weeks I started having another “energy awakening”. I was thinking about getting naked in front of everybody. I went for a shot. It didn’t make much. After about half an hour I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I undressed myself completely in front of other patients. They put me in restraining bed. When I was laying there I felt quite peaceful but at the same time I didn’t feel 100% relieved.

During first week in second psychiatric hospital (I got transferred after 8 weeks) I had this terrifying experience. I woke up in the middle of the night and I was feeling this energy on the top of my head that felt like total death and terror. It was very intense. I was feeling like I was dying. It went off after about half of a minute. I was very scared. That happened to me again also over 2 months later.

When I got home I also wanted to get a job. But when I started searching job offers I started to feel pressure in my body and anxiety that I’m not supposed to do that. It’s like subconsciously I was afraid that this whole situation is still not resolved.

So I try to distract myself as much as I can. I came back home from hospital almost 4 months ago Over 2 months ago I got back to the gym and this the thing that helps me out. On weekends I’m seeing my friends and I actually can enjoy it. Not 100% but it’s better than in the last months before I got into hospital. I don’t drink alcohol and I haven’t smoked weed since February 2017.

I have really strong OCD (especially spiritual/ moral scrupulosity) from to time to time (I have one for about almost 4 weeks now).
I still try not to masturbate. I haven’t masturbated in almost 2 months now. But I watched some porn lately. I feel that this messes up with my dopamine. I recently got back my OCD so I think that these 2 can be related. I also fantasied a lot during spiritual times. I was feeling this orgasmic energy but I also fantasied so this energy could move more efficiently and I had more control over it. I’m not sure that I should do that. I tried masturbation without porn but after orgasm I felt that energetically my right side of body gets “closed”. All this energy is usually in left side. Also when I got spasms before sleeping I usually get them in the left side of my belly. When I don’t masturbate I can feel that energy is building up inside me. It’s not that easy to control my thinking. I have more anxiety.

My dominating emotions are anger and anxiety. I can hear humming noise in my head almost all the time. I’m just so tired of this. I have depression on and off for five years now. My family is really worried. I just want to get a job or money just so my parents don’t have to pay for my living. I’m really worried that if another “energy awakening” happens or some major incident (like floaters) happens I won’t be able to go through this. I just feel so stuck and tired. I can’t get free. I’m so much in my head. I’m constantly on edge because I’m afraid of another “energy awakening”.

I never wanted this, never was interested in awakening. I knew that connection to God is important but not like this. If there is anything to stop it, tell me please. I just want to live regular live.

There is so much stuff that I did during my most spiritual time that I haven’t found that anybody else was doing. It’s like I think I was forcing a lot. I found this blog that seems that is written by a really educated guy. He says that these kind of experiences happened because of wrong spiritual practices and imagining/thinking too much and it seems that this is all that I was doing for a long time.

I tried advice that I found on the internet. Like walking barefoot, eating more meat and root vegetables, heavy lifting. That helped me but for short time. I started to feel energetic and I had motivation to create art but my libido kicked in and I masturbated (without porn or fantasy) once a week for few weeks and that mojo vanished. Maybe I shouldn’t masturbate and it would got even better but at the same time I should say that despite feeling better mentally there still was this fear.

The most popular advices that I found are opening front channel for getting your energy from head to ground (or stomach or genitals, I can’t remember). But I haven’t tried it because I don’t want to mess up with energy again. I live in a small town in Poland and there are not any people that could help me with energy. There are no kundalini gurus or at least I haven’t found them yet. I also don’t have any money so I can’t go to place where I could found one.

So what can I do? How I can stop it or reverse it? How I can live normal live again? What can I do if this “energy awakening” happen again? How I can calm it down?

[Seawolf]

Sorry to hear what you're going through. It sounds like you need to stop taking advice from people on the internet and seek professional help. If not, you could keep damaging yourself and that's not good.

[barrynu]

What you are going through is all very normal for Kundalini.
It will energize everything about you,,your physical senses so you will feel energy buzzing around you,,,,your emotions will be heightened so all emotions will be felt with much more intensity,,,your thoughts will run wild too and sometimes there is not much control over them.

The best advice for Kundalini is to allow everything to surface from deep within you,,,,surrender to it as much as you can....these thoughts and emotions want to be felt and when they are felt,they are released from you.

there are some things that you need to be very strong for like wanting to take off your clothes in public....if you still get strong urges for this then an idea would be to join a naturalist group so you can be naked without fear or guilt.

there is nothing wrong with masturbation as it is a release of energy...the problem with masturbation is usually the guilt....it is an enjoyable thing to do so it can be done a bit too much, so a little is fine and can be grounding.

Kundalini doesnt usually go away but it can ease up for a while but this i think happens because you have gotten used to that level of energy.

Kundalini is an acceleration of spiritual healing and is a wonderful thing when you get over the first couple of years of emotional healing.
It can also be lonely because the majority of people will not understand what you are going through.

You may not feel it now but you are going through a magnificent process that will change your whole feeling about life.

STAY STRONG but allow yourself to be weak too when it feels right and safe to be that way.

Grounding is hard at times and spending time with friends is a good way to ground,,,but its probably best not to mention what you are going through as they will not understand.

I had 2 hard emotional years at the start of my Kundalini in 2012 but 5 years later i can feel and see love everywhere...its hard to describe it but its there for you,,, just treat yourself good an allow those emotions to flow from you

[AlwaysDayAfterYesterday]

Your body and mind are filters for inflow and outflow. The key to what you produce is watching your breath (symbolism for mindfulness of inflow). In other words, watch all levels of what is taken in vs. what is produced (Cause and Effect). In all cases, cause and conditions produce effect. Change the conditions to change the cause.

As an example, turn off all media and entertainment for one week. Unplug by fasting on knowledge (food from media). Just like eating real food, eating produced content is the same. Fasting can be on all levels. Notice how fasting on media changes conditions. Then, watch how your mind reacts. It will desire and crave the media, but this passes after a few days. If you change conditions, you change effect.

Replace the media with work toward a goal, like cleaning and organizing your environment. Again, you are changing conditions, which then changes effect. Notice how good you feel when your environment starts to heal. Work toward a future goal. Set goals. Occupy your mind with good work (suffering), which is the way you end suffering.

Think about it. If you smoke, you take a reward that ends in suffering. Flip this. Go to the gym and workout. What happens? You gain health, thereby changing conditions.

In all cases, watching the breath (what you take in and out) is the key to effect from causes.

This was summarized on the walls of the Luxor temple in this aphorism:

For every joy, there is a price to pay.

Flip this: For every price you pay, there is a joy.

Cause and conditions need to change. By this, YOU change.

[colory89]

Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate them:)

Afer reading all responses on many forums I think I come with some conclusions why it all happened as it happened.I think I was forcing a lot. I was too much in my head and I was trying to understand everything that I was feeling. I think this is what I was doing wrong. In my "most spiritual" months right before hospitalization I was acting on every thought/feeling, especially those connected to fear. If I was doing something and fear came up, I was trying imeddiately to go into this fear especially on the level of thinking. Usually it resulted in magnifying this fear and dwelling on it for many hours until I was completly exhausted. Maybe in the begining I was trying to just feel that fear, but I think that with time this fears started getting quite irrational and I was trying to understand the message behind this fear instead just trying to process it through just feeling them without judging. So I was living in constant fear for a few months and I think that I conditioned my subconcious mind so well in showing me my deepest fears that almost every day I was dealing with something. Not because kundalini wanted to clear my fears but because I conditioned myself to act upon every thought or feeling. After few months of such practices my body just gave up and kundalini just explosed through my canals. Right now I'm not doing any spiritual practice because I wanted all the energy to settle.

It's about 8 months since my worst days. During that time I haven't felt kundalini. I was feeling like I was stuck and that it's still not over. And few days ago my kundalini awaken again. I think the energy in my body build up so much that it had to move up.

This time when kundalini was doing it's clearing I wasn't in my head and I was just trying to feel without judging. It wasn't easy but I think that was the thing that I should do. Yesterday the energy was keeping me awake almost all night, today I feel really tired but at the same time I'm able to do the things that I planed.

I'm just trying to take it as easy as I can.

[EndoftheRoad]

It sounds like you're along the right path as far as seeing what affects cause effects. All teachings kind of point to the same, allow for things to arise. When you use the mind to cut it up into label/story/duality etc it gets messy. With Kundalini it can be overwhelming once you spiral. Trust what fits for you, accept but release the rest, and just remember to enjoy the simple things.

[Shivani Devi]

I'm sorry I didn't reply to this before, but I just saw it.

Oh the number of near-death experiences I've had due to Kundalini...going to sleep and dreaming that I was awake but I couldn't move...trying desperately hard to wake up...trying to yell out...then with huge effort, waking up and my whole body is on fire and I go and puke in the toilet and my ears are buzzing like a chainsaw...it is VERY scary, but I also learned, the more you resist it and get scared, the more it will happen and as hard as it is, you need to say "if you're gonna kill me, then just DO it and stop mucking around"...and then, you advance to the next level.

Often, I'll be just sitting meditating, on the internet or trying to sleep and my body starts to jerk very painfully...like I'm being electrocuted or something...and this is a sign that I need to go and 'ground myself'...like any electrical short-circuit needs.

I haven't grounded myself much lately and I feel the energies building up...but at such times those 'in kunda' need to take their shoes off, get outside, go to the beach, walk in nature, swim in the ocean, plant stuff in the garden, hug a tree, play with a pet and just get out into nature or take up a sporting activity.

Also, it helps to distract yourself when these symptoms and sensations arise...do a crossword/jigsaw/sodoku...dance to music (dancing is excellent)...go bang a drum, paint a picture...go to the gym, punch your pillow or a punching bag...anything that's gonna help you get your 'ya ya's' out.

It also helps to get rid of all chemicals in the home and use natural products, drink water without flouride, wear natural fibres and seeing as how sleeping is almost impossible, try yogic relaxation techniques like Yoga Nidra instead and if that spontaneous urge arises to meditate, do hand mudras etc just do them and don't hold back...I carry a ball of play-doh basically everywhere I go now...it helps.

I'm not fixed/cured by any means, but I am learning how to 'go with the flow' (pun intended) and just do what ever it is she wants me to do. If I am eating too many refined carbs...drinking too much coffee...she'll retaliate...if she wants me to munch on a piece of meat, I know that's what she needs and as hard as it is, you have to just surrender to it, even at the risk of death or going against everything you believe in...but meanwhile, you have to pamper yourself, take care of yourself and it's a razor-edge 'balancing act'.

However, I also experience bliss, joy and divine love as a consequence, so I also try and focus more on the 'good stuff' that happened rather than all the 'bad stuff' and that's a very deep spiritual lesson (I'm still learning).

I hope this helps you and I wish you well in the future.