Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

seems silly
to continue to argue
for his own importance
lol...

not that it matters
as using words
to talk about
meaning beyond words
makes little difference
to those lost in words...

[FallingLeaves]

anyway
he's getting better
at forgetting
now

but his head still feels strange

[FallingLeaves]

I have no real training
in much of anything
not even
in the natural world.

I just have fun breathing...

but this is just definitely
the slow train...

other paths would seem more effective

lol....

-------------------------------------------------------------------
A lot of my angst
is
I've been enough into
physical reality
to know
that an awful lot
of what people
take for granted
just isn't so

but that doesn't work
for other people
because
often
they have placed
a very high investment
in believing
the 'truth'
of exactly
and many
things
that just aren't so

because by believing in those things,
they can apply the LOA
and get the things they want out of life

they don't care what is real
as much
as they care
about getting what they want.

So for me to be me
not wanting to believe those same things
just to be getting
things I've found
I don't want anyway
I will always pay some price
in terms
of just not getting along
when people
believe in stuff
that seems like it is likely to be
just a total fabrication.
---------------------------------------------------------
in terms of 'miracles'
which are very real
at least to me...

the only thing I really want
out of that whole mess
of various abilities
is to be able
to float around in the air...

which fortunately
people don't think possible...

but unfortunately
for someone
who wants to make it possible

there is always a possibility
that once presented with a new reality
others
will value it
a little too much....

and with such comes
a mess
for the person who has done it

a lot of times
in alternate pasts
that has resulted
in various cages
appearing
for various reasons
usually having to do with
some tripe
about
'the needs of the many'.

It seems to be a 'need of the many'
to cage
individuals
if those individuals
have something
the many
wants?

So the individual
spends more time
trying to avoid cages
than anything else.
and what is the point?
------------------------------------------------------
I do realize
that lately
there have been
other
alternate pasts
where such things
worked out much better...

but I'm tired of gambling.

And I find I can't have certainty.
------------------------------------------------------------
I suppose
I could also learn
to run around
with
what is it called
that thing
where you can transport
from one place
to another
instantaneously?

Then I would have a defense?
When they put me in a cage
I could just pop out again?

But I know from experience
There is nothing that doesn't have
an antidote...
there is a cage for even that...

And such endeavors
always lead
to an arms race.

And besides,
I don't even want
to know how to do that.
what is the point?

I just wanna float around in the air.
------------------------------------------------------------
so as it turns out
i have the general idea
how to achieve
such dreams

having found it
in a previous moment
where I refused to believe
in the reality
people tell me is true.

but
so far
I haven't touched it
for exactly the reasons I mentioned

These days
I prefer to do something more grounded,
and with less chance
of being noticed
by others...

that is
when I want to do
anything at all

sometimes I find it better
to avoid all this intrigue
and just rest.

[FallingLeaves]

i still find it amazing
that i don't have to
be in love with
simply everyone
I see
any more!

[FallingLeaves]

well
one form
of miracle

is the kind of
off-the wall
crazy
thing
that never should have happened
or never should have existed

and yet the fact that it did happen
or did exist
is taken
to be
such an overwhelmingly good thing
and yet
impossible!
for only god could bring such about.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
jesus did some other more personal stuff though.

[FallingLeaves]

well sweetie
im told your mad?

i guess i can't blame you,
same reason i have problems with you
hard to see any difference
when I am stuck looking
at my memories
of what was
so much so
that I can't see
what is

also
ya gotta keep me in line
too
as I can be mean if you let me!!!!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
well anyway,
with all this 'not sharing'
I decided one day
for example
that if I land
in a cage
after all
that is just another part of life

no need
to construct
my reality
around the fear
it might happen
I guess

and then spend
awful amounts of time
doing things
just so I can be safe from
some future
that I don't even know is real?????

I'm a little too far along
to even want
to give much credence
to that kind of shenanigan
lol
----------------------------------------------------------------
meanwhile though
a lot of bad blood
has passed between me
and seemingly everyone else
in times past...

especially with you
still
I have real problems
with trying
to figure out
how to relate to you

which right now
I'm like
I just don't even want to try
at least sometimes...

I'm not making that a mantra though.

I also see why though
maybe my trying to figure it out
in the first place
was a little misplaced too
so in some ways
I'm a little grateful
that things are the way they are

but honestly
even thinking about that
drives me bananas!
------------------------------------------------------------------
but i digress
thing about not sharing
with all that bad blood
I feel like we've been in an arms race
for a long time
in some ways maybe
fighting for control????

I want to make it clear
That at this point in things
I'm not interested in control
I would much rather
have you doing what you are doing
*even when I hurt*
*even though I'm alone*
than try to
take control
myself

And I'm tired of the arms race too

But really I'm tired of so much
so much hurt I've had
------------------------------------------------------------------------
a lot of it
I realize
I bring on myself.

So with the 'not sharing'
as with anything else these days
the things I don't share
are in some vain attempt
to not do old things that turned out rotten for us
to not bring all the old troubles back...

none of that means that I don't want to share
or even that i won't share what there is to share

it just means that right here, right now,
I need a break.

[FallingLeaves]

he is sorry now
that he questioned
something as basic
as people's desire
for certainty

he shouldn't have been so mean.

But still
he wonders
how on one hand
you can
say you believe
anything is possible

and on the other
say something is so certain
that it is impossible to be without it?

the age old question,
can god create a rock
so big
that even he can't move it?

the question at hand being
how much of a limitation
lies in the actual limiation
and how much
lies in your belief
that it is there?

[FallingLeaves]

so
this is going to sound
oh so mundane
but
it occurs to me
if I wanna get lost in the things
that are here, now

maybe I should quit
using my now
to be getting lost in things
that I remembered
happening before
or that I think
will happen later?

that i suppose
is part of
the purpose
of meditation

but

it seems like
if I do as I'm told
go within

I get a much poorer
reality
to interact with

than if I just look around me
and quit thinking
all this
is too mundane to bear

[FallingLeaves]

well lately
ive been thinking
after all this
i don't really want to go back

don't really want to get aborbed

this distance
between me and others
is bearable
and acceptable

and the alternative
going back
just doesn't look too good
at least not right now.

[FallingLeaves]

well
again
the question comes up

isn't the only holy thing
to make yourself think the right thoughts
so you feel well, and good?

I'm gonna quit dancing around this.
I just don't want to any more.

And if you had actually wanted that for me,
you would have treated me
a whole lot better
than you decided to treat me
would have given me a chance
to experience the beauty of it
instead of forever
dangling it in front of my face
as I prize I have to fight to win
to earn

So apparently you don't want me to
either...