Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

so this being
the 36th
28th
of november

of course it wouldn't have been appropriate
to get through the day
without throwing a fit
lol...

people monkeying with my money
and I was like
why always me why why why?
how am i gonna get scammed next?
just wish people would leavd me alone?

then I remembered though
it is only money
and i wouldn't have it in the first place
but by the grace of god

i am very cognizant
that if he wished me not to have it
i simply wouldn't have it
no matter what I might think
of my own ability
to get things for myself...

so,
that being said
i realized
it isn't such fun
to go guarding against
the awful things
people tell me
to guard against...

and decided to just go with it.
and quit throwing a fit
and realize
it is only money...

It is probably ok anyway
I
am just
so paranoid
afgter
all the bad things
that are continually
happening to me!

[FallingLeaves]

well on the other hand
he got through
the 36th 28th
without any realy desire
to go see a twinalike

nothing ever changes there
and
it seems like
he doesn't wnt to beat his head
any more?

But now the bad part comes....
he turns away
so she turns back
and tries to attract him back...

and then the whole cycle starts again

there really isn't
a way out of this

sigh....

[FallingLeaves]

so...

as a child
a teacher berated him
for using the word 'so...'

odd that he remembers that
lol

so...

well between clairvoyance
remote viewing
astral travel
dreams
seeing through other people's eyes
seeing the literal 'writing on the walls
physical cameras & other technologies

he knows
there are a lot of ways
people can 'see' stuff
that isn't in their immediate vicinity
physically

what exactly
his twin used
is still a mystery

he doesn't let it
worry him
though

it was actually better
not being able to pin her down!
that way he could fantasize about it
one way
one day
and another
the next

much better for his diet
than knowing
some vaunted
'one true way'

honestly though
his own insides
are
a bit too sterile for any of that
so he gets none of it himself...

although
once
he did get a dream
about changes made
to a specific building's insides

when he later walked into it
it had changed as in the dream.

But that is all he ever got...

mostly he just looks at the stuff around him
or on tv, in books, in the paper

and gets all sorts of outlandish ideas
about this and that.

he had originally
attributed that
all the myriad coincidences
between real life and thought
to his twin
as he had been communicating with her
through the post
and getting answers
next day
in the newspaper
(which wasn't possible at the time
but there you have it lol)

but now he honestly
doesn't know
where it came from.

it is like the clairvoyance
so many possibilities!

one thing he doesn't really believe though
is that 'god' would be talking to him.
he thinks god has left him
to fend for himself
in this godforsaken place...

got possibly even hates him
sigh

But any more
he doesn't pay so much attention
as before
when it was in-your-face
all-the-time

he has other things he can do
now
lol

[FallingLeaves]

so some interview

he'd rather it be an audition
doesn't seem like they would be so mean-spiritied

anyway some interview
he obsessed on what that meant
long enough
to get an awful taste in his mouth
and say
I don't need something else to do
another way to prove my worth
and i don't like interviews
so
(magic word again lol)
i'll just garner some disapproval from whoever it is
that is wanting to be disapproving
and turn whatever job is being offered down
sight unseen
without even going to the interview

not that there was either a job
or an interview
on the table
to begin with

it is just easy
to get him fantasizing
about stuff
he could have
but that never existed

and he is still in a phase
where
he thinks
reality has to be real
so...

lol...

[FallingLeaves]

in kind of a twist
my guides
decided
i was too attached
to the idea
of eating
'correct'
foods
and avoiding
'incorrect'
foods.

So they told me to eat candy.
lol.

they don't really
advise
either way on that
now
so
I've been kinda letting it flow

the rest of my diet
is sorta kinda ok

I eat a lot of fish
or grilled chicken
and veggies or rice

a little bit of fried foods
sometimes
or some meat

I'm not enamored of the meat
and there are some kinds I won't eat anyway
now
but i still eat a little...

hamburgers can be fun
in moderation...

thinking a little
of cleaning things up a little
but we will see
whether I actually get there...
--------------------------------------------------------
this is just a little dangerous
with my illness

but right now
I can't help but remember
having once met
a taoist master

he smoke
he drank
and his comment was
what is the point
in not enjoying
the here,
the now?

And this was a taoist master.

so sometimes
it seems best
to quit worrying about tomorrow.

[FallingLeaves]

so
noone tells me
directly
what they think of me

and yet
they have all this disapproval

nothing it seems
is ever good enough for them

not that I didn't take it to heart
and learn from it
but...

I don't GOTTA keep rehashing
the same things
over and over
with each new person...

I know where I stand
on a lot of different issues
and well
if people wanna be disapproving
I'll just point out
that they never give me any rewards
when I try to do as they say

so I'm not gonna go as far as I once did.

[FallingLeaves]

people are just mean.

[FallingLeaves]

it was very hard
to learn
to type my feelings

I wish I hadn't both3ered.

[FallingLeaves]

he doesn't want to play
a game
of 'escape the twin flame'

because

he had alr3eady played
a bazillion such games

and there was never anything in it
for him

so
it would just be another game of
'fetch this desirable thing for me'

during which
he hurts
and after which
he hurts

so what is the point?

he hasn't seen the twinalike this week
because he quite franklhy
doesn't want more of that pain.

but he is
thinking maybe
with more meanness afoot
he should thumb his nose
and go looking for her
next week

[FallingLeaves]

rule of thumb:

if he's hurting now
promises for a better later won't work
so he'll be hurting later

if he doesn't have something now
promises for a better later won't work
so he won't have something later.