Completely alone in life, not coping well

[Louisa]

Hi Vesica,

I think it might be helpful to make a 3-5 year plan. Then all the things I think I might have to do might not seem quite so overwhelming. I forget these little things sometimes. I try to see a bigger picture view but planning and prioritizing sometimes get lost and shoved aside, in the spontaneous impulses and overwhelming needs that I'm dealing with. So thanks for pointing that out, it probably would never occurred to me to plan it in such a long term way.

Yes, I am so glad I recognized that he was verbally abusing me. It took me years before I realized it. In fact, I didn't even recognize it until I took the time to record our arguments with a voice recorder and then transcribe them out and read back and analyze just exactly what was going on. He is in fact very intelligent (his father, also abusive, was genius IQ. lol He actually has con men in his family too) and he has a very agile mind and can out talk and outwit me in our arguments. I'm pretty intelligent myself, but he had a rapid-fire, highly manipulative, very clever way of arguing, which is why it was so hard for me to recognize what was going on. For a long time, I felt something was wrong and I felt that maybe he was crazy or irrational or had a bad memory, or I had a bad memory, and that's how our arguments kept going astray and making no sense and I couldn't seem to talk on the same page, because he seemed to change his story in subtle, manipulative ways and make it look like it was me who was confused or misremembering. For a few years, I got so angry that I was filled with rage and I gave back verbal abuse as bad as he did, but not the highly manipulative kind, instead I said terrible things about him, called him names, etc. This seemed to make him even worse, he got more manipulative, and attacked me harsher. Also sometimes he would get so angry I was scared he'd attack me. He usually had a cool, calculating anger, until it built up to the point he was in a white-hot rage and acted like he might get physically violent. I regret the way I verbally attacked him then, but I felt so angry, so completely stifled and voiceless and out of control. I thought it was the only way to get him to listen to me (and obviously, he wouldn't listen to me no matter what I did, as I now see). I wonder if I pushed him to become worse. I had the capacity to be cutting and cruel with my words, having grown up witnessing and bearing the brunt of such from my parents.

Then when I realized how wrong I was to treat him this way, I tried to change, and gradually luckily learned to control my anger a little better, but sometimes I think I was just stuffing the anger. Then when I came to realize he was verbally abusive, I finally recognized it is better to engage in the arguments as little as possible - to not respond, or to give in, depending on the situation. I feel sorry for my husband still because he came from a background much worse than me, in a great many ways (though my background might have been worse in ways).

Anyway, I just wanted to say this. I think its good to talk about these kinds of things openly. I know its sometimes not considered "appropriate" public conversation, but whatever, I think awareness needs to be raised. It's so easy to run from the truth and deny and think that it "couldn't be happening to me", that "my (spouse, parent, self, whatever) couldn't be an abuser", etc. So I like to talk about it. Maybe someone else reading would relate and it might help them in some kind of way.

I might have to get off the computer again shortly, but I wanted to begin by saying that and I will write more if I have time, or tomorrow I will finish my reply. I have a few other things I'd like to respond to your post.

[Louisa]

I think that I might have developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder type symptoms partly in response to the continued verbal abuse, combined with spiritual angst, isolation from friends, and the final straw that broke the camel's back was when he forced me to become pregnant and I didn't know if I could be a decent mother, but I kept reading and hearing and had a long history of having heard how terrible abortion is, how it destroys the woman and she will feel extreme guilt & remorse for the rest of her life, how you are taking a life, etc. I know this is a controversial topic, and I have mixed feelings about it, but I think if a person knows or suspects they may be a dysfunctional parent and they know they can't give the child up for adoption (as I could not - my husband wouldn't agree), then I certainly would support anyone who thought they might need to get an abortion. Personally, I think it should always be someone's choice, anyway, but even though I had this view, faced with the decision myself, I agonized and could never make myself do it. Anyway, now I am so glad to have my daughter (glad for me - and for now, now that I am a good mother so far, but when I think of the future, I don't know - maybe we'd have both been better off if I had let her soul go to another mom), And I want to be a responsible, caring, loving, and capable parent, but I don't know for sure if I can. I wonder how many people go through this - however they get pregnant, and when forced through coercive reproductive abuse, the spouse may not want to give up the child for adoption, so they can be put in an especially terrible bind, because they have an abusive relationship, plus having a child they are not ready for. With men, it can happen more often (the woman manipulating the birth control), I have read, and they can't get an abortion, so it's not up to them. I guess that I will be very cautious about ever taking a chance on getting pregnant and consider that I might have an abusive partner who might manipulate the birth control. My husband knew I felt totally unwilling and unprepared to have kids when he did this. I never thought he would try to take control of something so important and with such a long term impact on my life, and our child's', as to force me to be pregnant.

Originally Posted by Louisa

I just wanted to say this. I think its good to talk about these kinds of things openly. I know its sometimes not considered "appropriate" public conversation, but whatever, I think awareness needs to be raised. It's so easy to run from the truth and deny and think that it "couldn't be happening to me", that "my (spouse, parent, self, whatever) couldn't be an abuser", etc. So I like to talk about it. Maybe someone else reading would relate and it might help them in some kind of way.

I agree wholeheartedly - its one of my passions - and not the reason I contacted you by private message when I saw the post about the birth control. That was due partly to respect for you, thank you for assuring me I haven't invaded your privacy. *smile* Also, due to my own boundaries between my personal & professional life. But, I am flexible when it seems that is the appropriate action to take. *stretches* No absolutes, even for me. *chuckles*

I believe in the ideal and the application of love and feel quite deeply about abuse which masquerades and excuses itself as love; that is an area of life where I take a stand wherever and whenever I am able.

Originally Posted by Louisa

I think it might be helpful to make a 3-5 year plan. Then all the things I think I might have to do might not seem quite so overwhelming. I forget these little things sometimes. I try to see a bigger picture view but planning and prioritizing sometimes get lost and shoved aside, in the spontaneous impulses and overwhelming needs that I'm dealing with.

Totally understood. It hopefully will allow you some time to put a plan together this way, its a lot of change, which is best to take bit by bit if able. Also, that number I sent, that is something they can assist you with as well; just talking with you to explore your options and helping you prioritize. Being low energy and trying to prioritize huge life changes isn't easy and it is a main reason people in abusive relationships are unable to make changes - they'll know that and understand it. Plus, they'll have experience in it - its your first time, it isn't theirs - and they've been trained to respond & reflect with you in a way that should help your process and take in to account your unique situation.

Originally Posted by Louisa

He is in fact very intelligent (his father, also abusive, was genius IQ. lol He actually has con men in his family too) and he has a very agile mind and can out talk and outwit me in our arguments. I'm pretty intelligent myself, but he had a rapid-fire, highly manipulative, very clever way of arguing, which is why it was so hard for me to recognize what was going on. -- I feel sorry for my husband still because he came from a background much worse than me, in a great many ways (though my background might have been worse in ways).

I can relate from both the professional & personal levels. First with the intelligence factor, it isn't uncommon at all, as I've seen in it in almost all of my professional contacts and in my one personal relationship he was extremely intelligent, as was I - but intelligence doesn't help sometimes. It can hinder actually, since it is easy to get so caught up in analyzing their behavior, looking for reasons to excuse or just to understand, that the main crux of the issue is lost - that boundaries are being violated and assault is occurring (be it verbal or physical - call it a heart & soul assault) from someone who was trusted to act in love.

Also, usually men or women who engage in DV have a past where they have been physically, verbally, or/and sexually abused. At my organization we have closed men's sexual assault support groups to try and begin addressing the root problem -why people choose this behavior in the first place. Anger management does not work, DV treatment does not work, unfortunately, statistically speaking very few people who become abusers themselves are able to stop.... even when it has been openly addressed. Although I do have to believe there is always a chance for change.. no absolutes.

I think of it as energy dynamics, as a child their energy was taken from them in this way, they learned it as a tactic to live - unconsciously or consciously - and play it out in their lives.. but, this is the advocate in me, they must make a choice on some level to do so... as not everyone who has endured abuse as a child or/and adult becomes someone who abuses. Its possible to change the cycle...

Originally Posted by Louisa

. For a few years, I got so angry that I was filled with rage and I gave back verbal abuse as bad as he did, but not the highly manipulative kind, instead I said terrible things about him, called him names, etc. This seemed to make him even worse, he got more manipulative, and attacked me harsher. Also sometimes he would get so angry I was scared he'd attack me. He usually had a cool, calculating anger, until it built up to the point he was in a white-hot rage and acted like he might get physically violent. --- Then when I came to realize he was verbally abusive, I finally recognized it is better to engage in the arguments as little as possible - to not respond, or to give in, depending on the situation

DV is about power & control, not about the violence or even the verbal assault. It is when one person displays a pattern of behavior that's purpose is to maintain power & control over the other. The rough "professional" definition... so, it doesn't surprise me that he got worse when you attempted to assert yourself, to take some of your power & control back.

I also think you show essential survival skills in learning how to manage his behaviors once you realized the situation - it takes a great amount of creativity to live within this type of relationship dynamic.

Originally Posted by Louisa

I regret the way I verbally attacked him then, but I felt so angry, so completely stifled and voiceless and out of control. I thought it was the only way to get him to listen to me (and obviously, he wouldn't listen to me no matter what I did, as I now see). I wonder if I pushed him to become worse. I had the capacity to be cutting and cruel with my words, having grown up witnessing and bearing the brunt of such from my parents. Then when I realized how wrong I was to treat him this way, I tried to change, and gradually luckily learned to control my anger a little better, but sometimes I think I was just stuffing the anger.

No, people make their own choices to become worse, by protecting yourself by responding to his verbal assault you were exercising your right to be free from harm at the hands or voice of a loved one. It is your, mine, and everyone's right. We many not have it yet, but it is our right and one I am passionate about. *looks sheepish* I'm getting near a soap box here.. I should back off a little. *smile*

Its very normal to feel badly about it though, you love/loved this man, you care for him and you probably know him better than anyone else does - often that is forgotten when people talk about DV - that there either is/or was love or what felt & looked like love between you. To have concern over wounds you may have inflicted on a loved one, even in self-defense, is a sign of a caring and loving person; a strength that should be appreciated.

I'm glad the plan idea is a good one for you - prioritize, step by step; its like looking up at a mountain and thinking, so how am I supposed to move this thing again? One pebble, one rock, one stone, one boulder at a time... will get it moved.

[Louisa]

Just a minute to write, but I wanted to say that he is acting totally controlling and creating totally irrational reasons to attack me (in drawn-out arguments that are fruitless to engage in) once again... So I am thinking that I will need to separate from him and move in with my parents, and see how that goes.

It makes me so angry that I have to do this. I hope I can withstand my parents' abuse (if they treat me that way again). I hope my parents don't abuse my daughter (sometimes I wonder if Dad might've gotten worse over the years + they're not gonna be keen on the fact that they have to be dealing with toddler tantrums in their 50s). I am sick of the fact that I have only 2 years before I decide the fate of my daughter's future - whether I think I can handle it vs. handing her over to an abusive man. All while dealing with nearly unbearable burdens.

My husband is doing the whole threatening garbage again, so even though I gave in to what he said he wanted, now I think he might try to divorce me anyway and dump me at my parents on Sunday, as he had planned. So who knows what will happen. I don't know how much more time I'll have to plan. He's going to be home the rest of the weekend, unless he decides to go out somewhere. Just wanted to say this is what I'm planning now.
behavior he had before I had the baby. So I really have to leave him now, I guess. Maybe it'll be better for my daughter. I hope so. Better for me? I don't know. But maybe if I can get it all together in the next 2 years, then I can be okay, in the end. If my parents don't make my life too hard to manage and make any progress.

Quick reply - if at all possible I'd call that helpline when you can - it is 24 hours and they're trained to help with this.

Originally Posted by Louisa

Just a minute to write, but I wanted to say that he is acting totally controlling and creating totally irrational reasons to attack me (in drawn-out arguments that are fruitless to engage in) once again... So I am thinking that I will need to separate from him and move in with my parents, and see how that goes.

Just try and remember to take things one step at a time, I know it is difficult, if not impossible while under this much pressure, but it may be the best way to conserve energy so you are able to have the perspective & ability to make choices that will maybe change how you view things in 2 years, don't jump too far ahead.

I sent you the # to the organization I volunteer for, as it would not be appropriate for me to be your advocate (and I'm currently on hiatus actually, other than a few little things, to conserve my own energy to work on some of my issues - which if you were a client wouldn't be appropriate to tell you.. *smile*), but I think they can be of help. It's a 24 help line, 1-877 # and you can call whenever you are able. If it is after hours (weekends and after 5 p.m. until 9 a.m. weekdays pacific time) you will get an answering service; they can either patch you through to the on-call advocate which will take a few minutes or take a number and call you back depending on your needs. The advocate they connect you with will respond to whatever you share with them and offer support and resources based on your needs. It's practical & supportive and may help in finding options and definitely in making plans. I know we are backlogged as far as one-on-one long term advocacy right now, but you can call "at will" randomly as needed. Also, on the link I sent with their web page there is a "ask an advocate" option on the left hand side of the page - you can email as well, I do not know what the response time is but that is another option to get the real "professional advocate" ball rolling...

Okay, this response below is to your previous post and I had written it before seeing the post I'm responding to above. Okay, finis, Vesica is taking off the advocate hat now, stepping back in to her personal time boundaries.... but there is another one out there who is on-shift and ready to be of service.

Originally Posted by Louisa

I think that I might have developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder type symptoms partly in response to the continued verbal abuse, combined with spiritual angst, isolation from friends, and the final straw that broke the camel's back was when he forced me to become pregnant..

PTSD is extremely common among survivors; key words being "traumatic stress" - prolonged traumatic stress and being unable to assert yourself without fear in your home has an effect on your body & mind...VERY much so.

Originally Posted by Louisa

... I didn't know if I could be a decent mother, but I kept reading and hearing and had a long history of having heard how terrible abortion is, how it destroys the woman and she will feel extreme guilt & remorse for the rest of her life, how you are taking a life, etc. I know this is a controversial topic, and I have mixed feelings about it, but I think if a person knows or suspects they may be a dysfunctional parent and they know they can't give the child up for adoption (as I could not - my husband wouldn't agree), then I certainly would support anyone who thought they might need to get an abortion. Personally, I think it should always be someone's choice, anyway, but even though I had this view, faced with the decision myself, I agonized and could never make myself do it.

I'm a pro-choice lady myself as well - I've never understood why people feel the need to control other people's choices due to moral or religious personal opinions or/and beliefs. Although I do not think it should be used as a form of birth control, as a last resort method, but ultimately that isn't my decision or concern. Just a personal perspective. No woman should have to carry a child to either raise it herself unwillingly or to give it up for adoption to others because of a momentary mistake or as we are discussing due to someone else's decisions.

As far as the trauma of abortion - I think it depends on the woman and her feelings about it as to how she'll process it. But we've come long past the need to reproduce like bunny rabbits just to keep the species going - wish our bodies would catch up with that message. Until then, I'm glad we have options..

Originally Posted by Louisa

Anyway, now I am so glad to have my daughter (glad for me - and for now, now that I am a good mother so far, but when I think of the future, I don't know - maybe we'd have both been better off if I had let her soul go to another mom), And I want to be a responsible, caring, loving, and capable parent, but I don't know for sure if I can.

She does sound like a joy - children, even unintended, can touch our souls in such a healing way - full of potential and innocence. -- Yes, "what ifs" can haunt a person but the future is full of possibility which can be hopeful and frightening. While control of the future or the now is an illusion, I do know it is possible to take steps in the now to shape the self in ways we'd like to see ourselves be in the future. If you can dig.

Originally Posted by Louisa

I wonder how many people go through this - however they get pregnant, and when forced through coercive reproductive abuse, the spouse may not want to give up the child for adoption, so they can be put in an especially terrible bind, because they have an abusive relationship, plus having a child they are not ready for. With men, it can happen more often (the woman manipulating the birth control), I have read, and they can't get an abortion, so it's not up to them.

I know enough that it is considered an abuse tactic in DV dynamics - and that they have posters printed to put up in women's bathrooms advising them of it and their options for birth control. There is the religious angle as well, the ones that regard birth control as a sin... again, no need to reproduce & dominate the earth any longer, we have that down.

I do think that is awful for men, I had a friend - a teenage friend whom I grew apart from - who did that to her boyfriend at about 17 - she had always wanted children and she got them. I couldn't get it. Makes me shudder. Another friend in California said he had rich friends who would make sure they had their own un-tampered with condoms because girls would try and trap them for their money by having a kid. People are a conundrum to me..

Originally Posted by Louisa

My husband knew I felt totally unwilling and unprepared to have kids when he did this. I never thought he would try to take control of something so important and with such a long term impact on my life, and our child's', as to force me to be pregnant.

I have no words to reflect what a tremendous betrayal of trust that must have been for you. I will say you seem to have done a very wonderful job at reframing the experience and finding joy in your daughter, although I m sure she has a hand in that as well.

I have friend who is a "rape" baby, well now she is 46, but her mother was the daughter of a minister and when she was raped at a college party, he insisted she keep the baby. I am so glad she did as her daughter is dear to me. It's strange sometimes how some beautiful people come in to the world, life is very ambiguous like that - making diamonds out of coal and whatever else happens to be lying around.

[Louisa]

Quick note, again: My husband might settle down and get along with me again, he didn't drag out the drama this time. I pretty much refused to engage in arguments, aside from a little short bit of bickering. So I think maybe he will resume being semi-reasonable like he's been the vast majority of the time since I had the baby.

It's not surprising, but he's changing his tune again and saying he'll stay with me since I agreed to give in to his wishes. I am thinking this really will be better, because maybe he won't proceed to fall into his old (pre-baby) behaviors again.

It's just a bit sad, but he acts better to me when I lead him on and give him a sense of stability and of us having a future together. So maybe I should lie and lead him on, because though it's manipulative, so was he and I have few options.

He's the devil I know (as the saying goes) - I know how I can handle parenting my daughter with him, if he doesn't change and I think it won't harm her to be around our behaviors, if he doesn't bring up these ridiculous arguments much (as he very seldom has since I had the baby). If he does, then I can go live with my parents. But I don't know what living with my parents will be like now, it might be very far worse than it is with my husband.

So, I'm doing this to buy me some time to plan and start taking steps forward, which I know I can do with my husband, but I am not sure I can handle that so well (or necessarily at all) with my parents - since I don't know what they're going to be like (but I know they were once totally insanely controlling unreasonable and a strangling, completely stifling presence in my life - and my husband was - and is - far better than they were then. Even the worst of my husband's abuse affected me far less than my parents' abuse did. Yes, you'd think that since I'm an adult my parents would be more reasonable - but recall they tried to completely control me when I was in my 20s, alternately refusing to teach me to drive, then threatening to kick me out in the cold (in a place where you really can't walk to much of anywhere and there's almost no public transportation). Since I can't drive, I'd be under their thumb again.

If I feel I make enough progress while I'm with my husband, then I might try moving in with my parents, if I decide I can at that point withstand whatever they can throw at me. But now, I surely don't feel that way and don't want to put a deadline on deciding a possible choice between two terrible fates for my daughter's life.

Well, got to go again.

[Louisa]

Hello Vesica,

I have some time to respond more, but again, I might be interrupted and have to finish later today or another day.

Thank you, I think I am a survivor. Yet, in some ways, I feel I don't deserve the title. How many survivors are unrecognized. I feel my husband is a survivor. He could have turned out much worse. I feel maybe he's not a "normal abuser" and even if he is, he does me little harm for years - so what do I think of that? I don't know, but it's something that's got me really wondering about some things. I think it's more relative than people know. I think every situation is different. Even if my husband is a "really bad" "typical abuser", I think he's a survivor. Because I think if that's what he's going through, life shaped him to be that way. Whether he had any "choice" to be otherwise, I don't know. Choices are funny, sometimes. Whether a person technically has choices or not, they still can "choose wrongly", while thinking they're making the best choice. I think that's what everyone does. We're all survivors. We just survive more or less wisely, more or less healthily. We survive until we die, then our spirits survive.

But I also think I'm not only a survivor but a rather skilful survivor. That doesn't make me proud, but it makes me proud in an ego way, where I am seeing my own ego. Ego has a place, but when I see my pride is being egotistical, I can't be proud of my own pride. or something. Anyway, I guess I'm saying, I feel fortunate and I will try to take advantage of my fortune, in a loving way. I wish I could "save" my husband. Unfortunately, I seriously do think I might have made him worse. And I really believe he is deeply, sincerely capable of some of the most loyal and generous and sincere love of nearly anyone I've seen. I think it's sincere, regardless of how it sometimes gets distorted. And I think I've been abusive too, when I retaliated at him so severely. I was trying to control him. I became filled with hate, a hollow shell. I am lucky I didn't become an "abusive personality" from this. But I didn't, still what I did, it was abuse. And I believe I can control my abusive tendencies. They are more of a retaliating sort, and more of a highly independent sort - anyone who tells me how to live my life and tries to control me will soon learn otherwise and I will fight it tooth and nail. But I compromise if its in my best interest or in true to my highest values.

You're right - I've felt drained. But it's even my own doing that I am drained. I must take responsibility. It's all too easy to blame someone else, but in my case, it is not something I can fairly do. I am neurotic, perhaps. I can blame conditioning or I can blame neurochemistry for that, or maybe other factors. But I also can say it's just who I am and I try to work with it and I accept it. I am learning to get past it. My husband helped me by giving me a life where I could explore my neurotic fascinations to the end of their fruition (it took years of obsessive reading, contemplating, etc and being a "poor housewife" which he tolerated better than many "nonabusive" husbands might - after all he grew up in a home much worse maintained than my basic minimum of housework, but anyway)..

But yes, I feel drained. It helped to be reminded of this. Though I'm drained, how drained am I, I ask? I can only know by some semi-objective comparison. When I see the way that caring for my daughter lets my mind wander and brings me joy, how I can find pleasant ways to enjoy my day with this "job" I have, how I am not made sick by my environment (unlike many home and work places with emfs or chemicals that debilitate me), how I basically have a free bodyguard, chauffeur, and part time cook and housekeeper as well as a financial provider... How drained am I? I am honest with myself, and yes, though I am drained, in many ways, it could be no better elsewhere. Unless it can be, which is something that only time and experience can tell. But still, it helps to acknowledge, yes I am tired. I think the fact is my illnesses almost make me need a caregiver. But that is not my husband's fault, and nor his responsibility, except it IS his responsibility to care for the child he forced to become. And that child's mother (and gratefully he's none too eager to take on the child himself and give me the boot - thank God).

I am saying this stuff so that I can give an honest representation of the situation - and so I can remind myself.

Sometimes must give myself a good pep talk. No wallowing. haha

[Belle]

Louisa there are a lot of permutations and combinations of things you could do.

There is, I'm afraid, no right answer. But, what is required is a decision, bearing in mind that what you decide will have consequences not least there will be an impact on other people.

Personally, in horrible situations, I've found relief in actually making a decision even if it is really tough. Some decisions can be re-negotiated, some can't so easily or at all.

For example: last year I spent a lot of angst and worry as to whether to have a loft conversion. I ended up having one done, it was hideous at the time and all the way through having it done I was gnashing my teeth. But, I felt that having had the idea, I wouldn't know how it might be and would always wonder. I haven't regretted having had it done, even tho it proved a lot more of a headache and costly than I envisaged. But, undoing it - would be incredibly hard, not realistic and so if I didn't like it, I would be somewhat stuck with my decision.

It was a relief to have made the decision and I'm sure I lightened up having decided to go ahead with it, rather than the endless deliberating.

You may find it helpful to write everything out, pros, cons, consequences foreseen, other possible consequences (you may wish to burn what you write so your husband doesn't see it) - and perhaps talking it all through with a counsellor? Or, counselling with your husband so you can work things out in some way together that is beneficial for you all?

[Louisa]

Vesica,

Continuing where I left off...

I hate talking about these things. I am glad you're talking about them because I want to talk about them, I go on automatic repression & panic-type symptoms when I deal with this stuff on my own sometimes (the above posts' stuff). But anyway.

I think that some people have it easier in life than others', its not a level playing field. The same expectations shouldn't be had from everyone. Each person must determine what's right or possible for themselves.

I really do like what you said about making choices. That spoke to me a lot, because I have a tendency to think in terms of eternity and everything gets shuffled into some disorganized mess. I can take eternity to figure it out. I can do this now, that later, put off this crucial thing for my entire life, etc... This is what I was doing in my afore-mentioned neurotic years-long episode. But choices, choices, I have to make them. I don't necessarily think all prisons can be escaped.

But lucky for me I think I have the ability to as you say - make the first choice, pick a direction and walk. And I feel so grateful and like it's a wake up call. I need a good kick sometimes to realize things. Maybe the universe decided to give me a scare to make me realize hey I need to make choices and do something here. And life is living, while I am here locked up in avoidance, not moving, not living, not enough.

So now I think I can and will make choices, take responsibility, move forward. I hate admitting that its my fault that I didn't do more all along. *sigh sigh sigh* But it is my fault. In a kind of delusional fault way. The fault of delusion. The fault of biased thinking.

I still don't know that the choices I make will work, but that's no excuse for receding into the eternity view again, where everything goes and I can take forever to do anything. lol Hm... Because that's exactly what I've been doing.

The thing I guess that makes me see more clearly than ever is that I am finally getting some spiritual perspective, which is the only, ONLY thing that gives me the motivation and focus to even try to make choices, it seems. That is the biggest missing piece- my spirituality. Spirituality in action, not theory. And in action, it must be simple, at first, at least, with so many distractions and obstacles to manage.