Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

he is a little high right now
maybe just a little drunk

but seems like
mostly keeping his head.

At least for the moment.

Well at least he knows
when pulled down again
slightly
because things aren't going his way

to roll with it
to let it happen

instead of reinforcing 'good' thinking.

He'd rather have that
than a universe in harmony
with his own wants.

it being somehow more 'real'
anymore

than wanting
merely
what everyone
told him he should want

with no respect
for his own life.

Universe in harmony.
Recipe for trouble...

[FallingLeaves]

God is smart
he has an answer for everything
we want to do
to ourselves
and to each other
all bases covered,

we may just get out of this alive!

[FallingLeaves]

he feels like a heel
but
it is what it is

[FallingLeaves]

he saw a picture
of a guy
and a girl

the girl loved the guy
so much
she put up with him
even when
he was being
basically
unreasonable

he hopes the guy
could somehow
learn to
appreciate that

he knows he does

[FallingLeaves]

a little birdie told him
she
was wondering
how he got along
without children and grandchildren

hes thought about this
sometimes

honestly,
the way people treat him
either he would have been mean to the children
or the children would have been mean to him
it wouldn't have been good for either side

and that is if
he could even get along with
a female
well enough to procreate

which even now
seems beyond him

but beyond that
his life has always been full
with the things he is learning
and the meditations he is doing
so he hasn't really missed it.
----------------------------------------------------
But,
sometimes he wishes
he could have just lived
a normal life
doing normal things
like everyone else does

but usually
he feels like
that would just be too alien
for a him

he doesn't really like
being male
and doing male things

and normal life
as a male
just might be
just too much to ask

the only good thing about it
is
that male bodies
are much easier to maintain...

and if he has to be alone
anyway
well
just sayin'

Not that he hasn't wished
not to be alone
though
sometimes

[FallingLeaves]

hes not playing that game
by the way...

and along that vein
most of the stuff
written about what must happen
in the bible

isn't at all appealling to him

even if he were one of the ones
who got some of the glory
after all this mess
he just doesn't care

*he just wants his life back*

he doesn't really care
for all the pomp and circumstance
or all the tit for tat
or all the retribution
or the comeuppance to those that were mean
or the winning after much losing
or really any of what was said
about supposed rewards
any more

*he just wants his life back*

now if he could just
talk himself out of
endlessly talking about
something that
personally
he finds
not all that desirable.

well, baby steps...

[FallingLeaves]

he feels
stagnant
right now

but really
this last week
has been great

so many good decisions

it wasn't perfect
but it was good enough

maybe he is satiated
and needs time to digest

*he's not mad by the way
at least not right now
lol*

[FallingLeaves]

they say
he is schizophrenic

he can see it
he definitely was paranoid
in an extreme way
even he knows that!

and he sees things
that others have agreed
aren't there

so yeah it fits

at the same time though
he reads more into it than
than just a negative dr diagnoses
with a bad social stigma

much more than that

it is kind of a rich life
once he learned
to ignore the social stigma
and the needing them to accept him
and agree to just live with
what he had been given

But he knows,
they would never buy such a notion
bad diagnosis
are bad diagnosis
and that is that
one is a social misfit
and cannot be taken seriously

but it only makes him think
many of the things he has
seen
and learned
are just for him
and cannot be shared

A hard lesson to learn

meanwhile though
the medications
take the edge off...

not ideal
but on the other hand
one of the lessons he got
from God

was not to expect things to be layed out
in the most perfect way
or the most efficient way
they can be layed out

a little bit of a mess
can be a blessing...

sometimes the straightest line between two points
is jagged

[FallingLeaves]

he remembers faces,
mostly
(famously, he can't remember his twin)

one could sometimes fool him though
if they changed the hair

or if they showed up in an unexpected place

not good with names at all though!

[FallingLeaves]

a while back
they tried to get him excited
about that girl
who is on sorta the same path
with him
although further back

he didn't bite

too many meaningless words have been said

and anyway
meanwhile
he is trying to wean himself off
immediately falling in love
with anyone and everyone
who pays even a little attention
to a him...
-------------------------------------------------------
but now he has been remembering
another girl
that was kinda nice

this one he actually met

much later
he realized
she looked like
that Swift girl...

even talked about
going to nashville,
getting into country music
at one point...

so eventually he figured out
she was probably swift in a past life
in whatever lifetime
he was enamored of that celebrity

that was long after she was gone...

anyway he just wanted to say
that curiously
she is coming to mind
lately

not that it matters he guesses lol!