Completely alone in life, not coping well

[Louisa]

As for work, I have almost a degree in sociology, but I can't pass the research classes (can't handle that level of math and statistics - too bad I discovered this only after completing all but 3 classes to finish my degree). But I don't think that is good for much. Otherwise, I have worked as a housekeeper and at restaurants and that's it. Maybe I will look into the medical terminology certificate. If I could find a really good work at home job, it would be great, but I know there are lots of scams so I don't know. Maybe I could work part time if that gave me enough money. I think I will get child support from my husband. I think maybe a job won't be so bad, as long as I have time to myself and to relax and read and have a little peace and quiet. But I have worked at places that gave me asthma (deep fryers), headaches and disorientation (I don't know if it was the giant appliances and/or the electrical power station nearby - I was totally out of it), and that gave me chronic hacking cough and lung pain and terrible painful skin rashes (exposure to cleaning chemicals). In the two jobs I've had, both made me ill. But if I find a good job it might be better than it seems, true - I guess I'll see.

Yes, I can't just be self-defeating. At some point I have to try and change what appears to be a really bad situation. If I find that I can't handle it, at least I tried. But yes, I have to do something and take risks at some point. So it's just a matter of when and how is the best way to do so. Sometimes that is just a guess, but I think acting on faith, intuition, and practical, simple wisdom is the best bet.

And yes, just taking small steps. I have so much confronting me that sometimes I feel I have to tackle it all at once, and get overwhelmed, but I think if I break it into chunks I can move forward gradually. Something I tend to forget, so thanks for that point.

[Louisa]

lol Sorry, Vesica, for responding to your post in like 5 different posts. My daughter is here climbing all over everything and me and occasionally pitching little fits so I thought I might have to go tend to her at any moment or that she might reach up and push a button and delete what I'd written. So I wanted to post every little bit as I wrote it.

[Louisa]

I have been thinking about it...

And I really think one of the my biggest problems with me coping with my bipolar & why I fear being a single mom and living alone is that I have low motivation. I think it is partly brain chemistry, and partly my natural personality. If I have to spend too much time doing tedious things, I get bored & depressed & lack motivation. I mean totally lack motivation, like I can't drag myself from whatever else to do it. I can be hardworking, but only when I find the work personally pleasant and not too tedious or boring. I like things that let my mind wander, but not mind-numbing drudgery that doesn't allow my thoughts to wander or repetitive mental tasks.

So, this is a big part of my problem. It could be called depression, but whatever it is, I haven't found a way or a will to overcome it. I'm not sure I can. Or not without a lot of reconditioning my personality and mind, if that is even possible.

edit: I am not sure, but I think there is one thing that might solve this problem, more easily and quickly than anything else; It is finding spiritual sense of meaning in my life. That is, I think, a big cause of my depression. I actually feel like I've been making a lot of progress on that front, thanks, in large part, to the helpful ideas and reading things and reinforcing them continually in my mind on this forum. So, I think if I felt a bigger picture meaning, I could handle the smaller-picture drudgery a bit better. On the other hand, seeing the smaller picture significance of what I'm doing is often a great motivator - IF and only if it is significant enough to me - So, for example, I can bring myself to care for my daughter. But I can't always bring myself to do housework in an effective manner, etc. I tend to feel, there must be a better way - surely I don't really have to do all this housework, maybe I can find a lifestyle where I don't have to do this, where I can have minimal housework type duties.

[Louisa]

I think another one of my key problems is that I get stressed & triggered by certain thing & I start to have panic symptoms & the only relief I can get is to run away into distracting pursuits. If I just sit with the situation, I become so upset that it is debilitating. The feelings don't just float on by like they say they are supposed to when you observe your feelings. They just stay for hours, even days, weeks, or longer. They can trigger a major depressive episode.

So I need my distracting pursuits & easy escapes or I am unstable. With these "coping distractions" I am somewhat stable.

I also think that little things I do to cheer myself up & keep my lifestyle pleasant & cope with stress.. These coping strategies keep me relatively stable. But I have a very particular, restricted lifestyle that allows me to have these coping mechanisms - I spend literally all day "coping" just to keep from getting too stressed or depressed. My husband is a big part of the reason that I have the opportunity to live like this. As a single mom, many or most of my coping strategies would be taken from me. I would have little time or financial resources & little energy with what time I had left, & no way to get around- no transportation.

So, just to explain further what I'm dealing with here. I will still try my best to cope on my own, or transition to living on my own, but one thing is for sure - it will be a major shock to me in my lifestyle.

I think these things are partially remediable by changing my worldview and such, but I think it is largely biochemical and deeply ingrained psychological patterns - not so easy to change, especially not quickly.

Thanks again, everyone, for all your kindness and thoughtfulness.

edit to add: I think this might be related to post traumatic stress disorder. I sometimes quickly block out whatever triggers the panic attacks, so it is almost entirely repressed, as soon as possible. I can remember some of the things that cause it, but I am going to have to be more attentive and try to see if I can pinpoint what is causing it. I have experienced and overcome panic and anxiety attacks in the past, but I felt I had to brainwash and repress myself and true feelings with cognitive behavioral therapy. I think if I get to the root of the fears and discomforts and address and deal with them, I can move on. But to just distract and tell myself "everything is okay, nothing to be afraid of, might backfire - as it did years ago with the cognitive behavioral therapy. But I will try to find my root issues.

[Louisa]

I might be moving in with my parents on Sunday, and the weekend might be hectic so I don't know if I'll be able respond anymore on this forum or not for a while, just wanted to say. But it might be postponed a little longer, not sure, anyway...

Edit: Wait it's Thursday not Friday. So I have one more day I can respond and write here, at least, probably.

[Louisa]

I wanted to ask another question if anyone knows and has time to respond - is it likely for my husband to get custody if he tries, since he has a good job and I have no job and very little job experience ( I would try to get a job as soon as possible, and might be able to get something lined up with employment placement services and women's & children's shelter assistance, don't know)? Also, he could try to hold the depression/bipolar against me when he asks for custody, but the only "proof" that I have depression that he has is that I had depression and was treated as a teen and in my young 20s (a decade ago - I last went off meds I think it was 20 or 21). So I don't think they would count that. And there is the fact that I can't drive, and there's VERY little public transportation where I live, so I'd have to live somewhere I could walk or bike to work or I don't know (even then there are very few sidewalks here).

So if I was to try to move out on my own instead of back in with my insane abusive parents (which I really think might be for the best for me - and if it didn't work out - then I could move in with them as a back up plan) and if my husband then tried to get custody, do you think this would complicate the divorce process, would we have to hire lawyers (we don't have the money so I don't think he'd want to do that), and would he have a chance of actually getting custody, do you think or do you know? (I live in the US., if that gives you more indication of the answer.)

[astralsuzy]

Go to the doctor as soon as possible. If he thinks you should be on medication then he would put you on medication. I think you would have a better chance of custody if it was seen that you are doing something about your illness so you would be able to responsibly look after your daughter. I do not think they would be impressed if you are not taking any medication and you have an illness. They would probably think you are not capable or be a very good parent to look after someone.

[Louisa]

Hi astralsuzy,

Some people are able to stabilize their bipolar well enough to get along and be better off without meds. It depends on the person. If I decide to go to a doctor, I will be living with my parents, so that I have a ready support system for me in case the medications give me a bad reaction at first. But, if I live with my parents, I need not worry about my husband trying to get custody - he said he would give me custody in that case, no questions asked.

However, like I explained, I think I might be able to do fine and be well enough without the meds, on my own. I am doing alright enough now, and if I found I couldn't handle it, I could call my family and get their help. Unlike if I am on the meds, which are major psychoactive drugs and can cause extreme nervous breakdown type symptoms in some people. I have enough self control in my depression that I can call my family if I need help. But if I have an extreme reaction to a drug, it could be way worse and make me truly have a mental breakdown and be completely irrational and out of control.

So, that's where I stand on that issue, knowing myself and my personal experience after all these years. Knowing that my family is a call and a short drive away, if I need their help and totally can't handle it.

I'm not sure about all the legal implications, but I always like to be careful and be aware of any underhanded tactics that 'maybe' could be used by someone. Lol. I know people can bring up the issues of illness and such in court to try and prove that a parent is not suitable to be taking care of a child. But usually they need some kind of proof that you are actually irresponsible and in effect putting your child in danger. Usually women get custody through court proceedings. Its also usually a really long and drawn out process if both parents are not in agreement.

Also, I don't think the job situation is enough to deny custody, as long as you can provide necessities such as a safe place to live, food, clothes, etc.

I think he should be required to pay child support too.