Thoughts on affairs in marriage

Wow. I could NEVER be in an open, cuckold, or swinger type of relationship. You guys that are okay with that stuff are of a different breed. I wish my woman would sit on some other guys lap, that would be the end of us! I just believe love is between two people that's it. I'm not downing your preferences at all because to each his own.

[Asrais]

If my husband cheated, that would be the end. I've been cheated on before and when that relationship ended I told myself I was never gonna go through that again. Cheating is a definite deal breaker - I could never get it out of my head that he had given himself to another, it makes me feel ill just thinking about it. I'd rather he just be honest and leave me, then he can go do what he wants.

[Lightspirit]

Originally Posted by Spring1988

Wow. I could NEVER be in an open, cuckold, or swinger type of relationship. You guys that are okay with that stuff are of a different breed. I wish my woman would sit on some other guys lap, that would be the end of us! I just believe love is between two people that's it. I'm not downing your preferences at all because to each his own.

I am not in one of those either. I just am not insecure or jealous in any way, its not that I dont care but that I dont feel threatened.

[Lightspirit]

Originally Posted by Asrais

If my husband cheated, that would be the end. I've been cheated on before and when that relationship ended I told myself I was never gonna go through that again. Cheating is a definite deal breaker - I could never get it out of my head that he had given himself to another, it makes me feel ill just thinking about it. I'd rather he just be honest and leave me, then he can go do what he wants.

what cheating is is breaking trust. Thats what hurts.
I think if you are transparent about everything you do it stops that. You cant cheat if you make known all of your intentions.
i am defiantly not advocating sex with other people while you are married

When people marry or enter an official relationship, that involves making certain promises and understood agreements. Not every couple will want exclusivity as part of their arrangement. But if that is what your partner wants and he or she would not feel comfortable with you being intimate with another person, it's up to you to honor that. You know what your partner would consider to be cheating. If you can't stand to be faithful by not doing what your partner considers cheating, then it is a bad match.

Whatever your body's cravings are, the act of cheating is a choice. You don't have to do it just because you're tempted. You can choose not to do it. You are capable of choosing to stop what you are doing and get away from the temptation. If you go through with the cheating anyway, the honest thing to do is acknowledge that you made a choice to do something that your partner will feel hurt by and you didn't have to do it. It's harsh, but it's true. We have free will to choose not to do the things we are tempted to do or urged to do by hormones.

So it would be better to find someone who has the same opinion on what cheating is as you do, or at least someone who can work out an agreement with you about that. That is my first advice. Then whether you abide by the agreements and stay faithful or not is up to you, not up to your hormones or urges. I wouldn't be comfortable with my partner doing certain things with other people. I'll tell exactly which things those are and then will not accept physical urges as a valid excuse for breaking a promise to me and betraying my trust. So my advice to myself is to only enter a relationship with someone who at least understands that if he betrays my trust that is his choice and nothing forced him into it. Those types are more likely to be faithful I think.

Hi livluv,
thank-you for starting this thread. I got married for all the wrong reasons. I thought I was in love but I wasn't, I was in love with the idea of it and it was also an escape from my mother. I was all of 18 and pregnant. When I told my mother I was expecting all she could say was *when's the wedding*...... It was his parents that forced the issue, if I had my way we would never have gotten married. I wasn't ready for married life at the age of 18. The thought of me carrying a baby was so wonderful to me and I didn't need my soon to be husband to be just, that all I needed from him was for him to be there for me and the baby. Both lots of parents pushed me into marriage, he wanted to get married as I was his *dream girl* ( he had his eye on me for quite some time so I was told) We had only been together 3 months when I found out I was pregnant. The relationship I had before I was raped but didn't know it at the time as date rape..... to me he just went tooo far and I didn't want it. (sorry this is long winded but there is a reason). Anyway on the day we were married I stood at the church door with my father and he said to me *you don't have to do this ya know* I was dumb struck that he had any idea the way I felt. I just looked at him and said * I have to dad........ all these people are here and I am expected to be married today... we left it at that but we both knew I shouldn't have been there.

OK after 5 years of marriage I began an affair with his best mate. It did just happen but it was my immaturity and lack of other partners if you like, I was flattered and I was attracted to this man. I know it shouldn't have happened but it did. I thought it was just this one time thing ( we were out at a club he held my hand under the table). Thats all that happened at first and the rush that another man found me attractive was overwhelming. To cut the story short we had this affair going for 15 years and my then husband to this day knows nothing about it. I thought that I was deeply in love with my husband but I wasn't and to be honest I never was. This strangely enough was not the downfall of our marriage, we just grew apart as neither of us was bothered with the other for many years and I had enough one day and told him I was leaving.

So affairs do happen for different reasons but the fact remains that you couldn't possible be in love with your spouse if you even think about having an affair let alone doing it.

Shucks! Some great replies to a great thread. What a topic!

I've been cheated on in almost every relationship i have ever been in. I've had freinds sleep with BF's and even my sister! I've cheated once and only out of spite when i found out my sister had been sleeping with my bf. I felt like **** and knew i let myself down more than anyone else.

I can agree with many of the replies here. My two cents? Cheating shows no respect for the other partners feelings. It's selfish and damaging. Trust is gone and when that is gone you end up kidding yourself that it will work when you know you cant get past that broken trust issue. It will pop up its ugly head during the marriage at some point and time because you just cant put a blanket over it and make it go away.

As for emotional cheating IMO i think thats almost worst. It's one thing to use your body with another just for pleasure (lets say a one night stand type thing) yet it's another if your partner is 'in love' with someone else and gets their emotional full from them. An example internet cheating. Id hate to think my husband thinks of his 'lover' while having sex with me, wishing i were her and so forth. Talks intimitely with another and not to me. I think both physical and emotional cheating is toxic poison to a marriage.

question for the cheating men , can it be as Morganna says your not in love to cheat ? I mean seriously men are different to women. what would compel you to have an affair.. oh and for the record ive cheated , im female. Im single now tho and i think its **** once a cheater always a cheater, i did it once and couldnt ever do it again to this person the guilt was horrendous.
'
But the flesh is inticing... i think i read that on someones post here and its true

I've never cheated and indeed have always considered it to be tantamount to a huge moral error, an act of betrayal. I still feel that way about any committed relationship I'm in. What other mutually consenting adults choose to do (as long as no others are injured), I do not judge.

I used to consider cheating as the only justifiable reason for the dissolution of a relationship. I now know that if you're being abused or repressed, these are also excellent reasons to end a relationship. It isn't "giving up" and it isn't a sign of weakness to exit a very unsatisfying union, imo.

yeah i could never share my girlfriend or wife. She is mine and mine only. I do know a married couple that are swingers. One time they invited me to thier house for a party and it turned out to be a small swingers gathering. i flipped out. He later told me that him and his wife are madly in love but by them going and just having sex with others, no strings attached actually makes thier love stronger. i sorta understand because they are still able to explore knowing that they are still coming home to true love but i could not do this one bit!