Healing Complex PTSD and the Vagus nerve

[FairyCrystal]

Wow, just wow!
The other day, with the help of a great YT channel on trauma, I got to a way deeper layer of something than ever before.
Something I'd had in view for years but never to this depth.
It blew me away to realise just how deep and wide this trauma stuff is. I can handle an awful lot but that was almost too much to handle.
I knew I'd need help to get through these enormously deep wounds and patterns that came from it.

Now this afternoon I went to see my mum, who tends to always easily trigger me, especially now that I'm stirring the pot so to speak, hihi.
And Lo' and behold, me being calm and collective, able to explain and just tell without it becoming a lot of drama, seemed to work?!
She listened and occasionally she reacted in a well-meant way that isn't helpful and actually makes me feel guilty and that I did it wrong.
And since I'd explained a lot to her of how it works with examples, I could tell her calmly that that reaction hurt, made me feel XYZ.
And she got it!

It was so good to be able to do this!
We chatted about all kinds of other things too, so it was a great afternoon. Relaxed, we had fun, laughed, actually listened to one another etc.

When I was in the car I could feel peace and rest and tranquility in my body!!
Just because I had finally been able to talk about it with my mother and relate to her in a normal fashion. Without any triggering.

I think I'm already beginning to learn certain things because of what I've learnt from all those vids and exercises I've done.
Small shifts, big effect nonetheless!

Currently a lot of stress has gone, and now I feel tired. Whenever I am able to step out of this hyper alert state that comes with having C-PTSD I feel how incredibly tired I am.
Just goes to show how exhausting C-PTSD is and how logical it is that you develop physical ailments as you constantly deplete your body and energy.


In any case, a very good and fruitful afternoon.

[FairyCrystal]

Certain things start to come together more and more in my understanding.

I've discovered that in many situations I go straight into freeze, not fight or flight.
To get out of freeze it's important to do bodywork as in moving, tapping your knees, stamping your feet and so on as freeze is also disconnect from the body.
It is a limbic brain reaction to something.

The other day a therapist mentioned that action, martial arts, and so on could be good, and now another therapist also came up with that.
I'm beginning to see where my love for martial arts comes from! I've always wondered about that.
But I guesstimate that I intuitively went for something that made me feel connected, empowered, in my body etc.
Apart from that it made me feel stronger, like I could handle situations since I was able to defend myself if need be. That sense I have missed so often due to what happened in the past and getting overwhelmed, bullied, neglected and so on.
Martial arts did give me that feeling.

I remember how gutted I was when I could no longer practice is due to back problems. It seriously dented my self-confidence and self-esteem.
Now I understand even better why.
Finally having a means to feel empowered, to not go in freeze, feeling and knowing I could handle it, and then it went out the window, leaving me with nothing.

Maybe there is a clue for my physical ailments as I felt so disappointed and let down by my body. It affected me greatly, I felt like a fish out of the water, choking, helpless, scared. Back at the mercy of others.
I think I blamed my body so much that I began withholding love for it...

Wowza, much of that came up as I was writing.
Going to copy/paste that to my notes, hihi.

In any case, I'm now wondering what brainwaves would go with the freeze state.

[FairyCrystal]

BTW the reason for the physical movement is that freeze tends to numb your muscles, makes you freeze literally and dissociate from your body.
By moving, certainly with action and focus that martial arts require, that is simply impossible.
But also stamping your feet, moving your arms and so on has that effect.

[FairyCrystal]

I had my intake for treatment about 2-3 weeks ago and it was online which was quite nice, saved me a long drive.

First conversation was really good, second one was horrible. The somewhat older woman looked at me as if I was a silly child, very condescending, the things she asked were totally out of line and in the end she suggested that I wouldn't be able to handle the treatment.
The conversation was ended prematurely because it was pointless. I almost hung up a couple of times, it reminded me of talking to my narcissistic ex.

Then last week was a 3rd online vid call during which we should discuss the treatment plan.
But she suggested something specific prior to treatment that I did not want. I made that very clear yet they did it anyway behind my back?
I was appalled, couldn't believe it.

I decided to cancel treatment.
It's unbelievable that so called professionals who should help you with a trauma thing turn out to trigger your trauma, show no respect, go over your boundaries -which is a big thing when dealing with trauma. Certainly is for me since I've been bullied for years on end in the past, which was a constant going over my boundaries.

They didn't even acknowledge my cancellation? The worst organisation I've ever come across.

There is another one that is better equipped to offer C-PTSD treatment, they got a waiting list a mile long. I'm on that list. But I think I'm going to forego it.
I'll just work with my books and online guidance and help.
I've had my fill with so called professionals concerning this.