My Parents

[Sarian]

BodhiChan and Necta, thank you both as well. I'm feeling overwhelmed with the caring and loving responses. No sooner do I reply I see both of you had wrote. Thank you and it means so much.

Bodhi, yes, I go and take my mom out and about...she glows when I do. She cannot control her bowels a lot and refuses to wear things like Depends, so we deal with that as well. We joke and she laughs. She is stubborn. I guess I get my stubbornness from her . :-) I go and sit with her and let her talk. I have to shout for her to hear me.. My dad always seems happy to have me and my kids there.

Aw, Bodhi, that you cried as you wrote. Even just knowing that caused me to form tears again. thank you so much for your thoughts.

Necta, so sweet that you stopped to let me know you are thinking of me. I know it's hard to talk to others when they are dealing with such things, but to know your friends are there with you, even if they don't know what to say means a great deal. Thank you ever so much. thank all of you.

[Tiss]

Originally Posted by Sarian

((((((((((((Tiss))))))))))))))) thank you so much...I remember reading about your husband's passing. You have my heartfelt sympathy for all the losses.

It's funny because when I started to go to nursing college, it was my intent to be a hospice nurse. I'm not afraid of death. I understand it...and I've helped many make that transistion or eased their fears. My sorrow is simply selfish. In that I just love my parents and don't want them to leave me.

Feels like everytime I think things are moving forward, setbacks occur or something happens to steal the joy.

My dad just came back in with my car. He says he is feeling better, but he didn't look too good and he wishes that I would get rid of my car as the garage told him I was driving a 'deathtrap' and they say i need over $800 in repairs. I don't know what to think about that. They've been telling him for 2 years I need to get rid of it. all I could think was yeah, just one more thing to add to the pile of emotional and financial issues.

Thank you for writing and caring Tiss.

Dear Sarian,

Concerning the car, take a deep breath and give yourself time to decide among your options. Decisions under internal/ external stress are not always the best.

We all want our loved ones to stay with us forever! Is totally understandable and not selfish.

Your friend,

TISS

[Silver]

What a beautiful thread - even if it's making me cry lol?

[bluebell]

Hi Sarian

I have just read your very moving story and I could not just pass by without sending you all my love and a big HUG x

One day at a time. xx

[Sarian]

Thank you, so much, Bluebell (((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

And again (((((((((((Tiss & Silvergirl)))))))))))))))

[Smiler]

Dearest Sarian

My heart goes out to you ..and you are in my thoughts ***(hugs)***
I relate so well to what you are experiencing and certainly know the heart break and different feelings that arise in the person who is caring , watching, aiding,loving and assisting.

Any time you wish to talk ..please PM me .

My sister explained to me ..that using her car was independence..as she felt she had lost so much of what she could do ..when the time came she could not drive..she grieve that freedom as well..she explained to me that no one understands this journey unless they are in it..all I could do was try and honor her feelings ..Cancer can be Sarian like walking on Egg shells ..as the person suffering is going through huge emotional stages with in them self.

Watching the suffering of one you love ..there are times that arise that you may want them to be free..if that's the case never feel guilty as that is love as well.

I found in my sorrow of loss many blessings were given ..by my dad , mum and sister.
No one wants any one to die they love..and no wants to see them suffer.
I think you are amazing Sarian ..for you are indeed holding your parents hands ..and walking beside them.

Its a roller coaster ..and it really is a moment by moment journey.

***Hugs again***

With Love
:) XXXX

[onetruebeliever]

Hi Sarian. I am so sorry you are having such a sad, difficult time. Witnessing their decline is difficult, but it is what it is. I take care of my Mom and some days it just makes me so sad. Some days it makes me crazy. Some days it makes me mad.

Your sorrow is not selfish. You love your parents and losing them hurts. Sorrow, grief, is a natural emotion. Just coming here and getting it out helps you deal with the pain.

Mom has vascular dementia - kind of sounds like what your Dad is experiencing. Plus he's having to live with your Mom's cancer. Mom is still in her home, but I don't know how much longer. She has good days and not so good days - the bad days are coming more regularly. I go every day to check on her, make her food, basically all the grunt work. Mom is compliant with most things, but her stubbornness is trying.

I don't really have any advice(because I am still learning how to be a caregiver to my Mom), but Tiss said it well. I occasionally have to be the parent to Mom - she doesn't like it, but it is what has to be done. Her thought process and reasoning are not what they used to be. She then comes around and we are still friends.

Keep your chin up. In your me time, do things that will relax you, that you really enjoy doing. Your parents are so very lucky to have a daughter such as you.

[Native spirit]

Hi Sarian,

The best way to let things go is to release it.your dad knows he cant do what he used to, and that frustrates him he should see a doctor but this is something he must decide on, your mother is trying to carry on to keep things at an even keel for you and your dad. even though she is ill herself they just dont want their little girl to grow up,
i lost my mother 9 years ago i wasnt close to her at all. but i was closer to my dad who. passed away nearly two years ago. 4 years after my husband i was left with 5 kids to bring up alone,
i found the easiest way to carry on was to write down in a book my feelings like a diary. because when you do this you release the emmotion
that you hold onto. i wish you all the best just carry on and know that you will be allright.

Namaste

[Sarian]

Originally Posted by Smiler

Dearest Sarian

My heart goes out to you ..and you are in my thoughts ***(hugs)***
I relate so well to what you are experiencing and certainly know the heart break and different feelings that arise in the person who is caring , watching, aiding,loving and assisting.

Any time you wish to talk ..please PM me .

My sister explained to me ..that using her car was independence..as she felt she had lost so much of what she could do ..when the time came she could not drive..she grieve that freedom as well..she explained to me that no one understands this journey unless they are in it..all I could do was try and honor her feelings ..Cancer can be Sarian like walking on Egg shells ..as the person suffering is going through huge emotional stages with in them self.

Watching the suffering of one you love ..there are times that arise that you may want them to be free..if that's the case never feel guilty as that is love as well.

I found in my sorrow of loss many blessings were given ..by my dad , mum and sister.
No one wants any one to die they love..and no wants to see them suffer.
I think you are amazing Sarian ..for you are indeed holding your parents hands ..and walking beside them.

Its a roller coaster ..and it really is a moment by moment journey.

***Hugs again***

With Love
:) XXXX

Aw, Smiler and I responded to your pm and I was thinking of your mum as it's so recent, but yes, your sister...and I remember that and your beautiful tribute to her in your tattoo. I'm sorry for all the losses you have endured.

Yes, that would be my mom...she's terrified of driving now, yet she will get in it and go. My dad too. He had a TIA while driving my brother to a place he wanted to go, got into an accident. My brother shattered the bones in his hand (I found out recently that my dad's insurance wasn't good enough, and so my brother got a lawyer who sued my dad's insurance company for more) sore spot for me...as he had already drained my parent's bank account over his adult life...so I hurt seeing my parents struggling in so many ways. now I'm going to start crying again. I'm sorry. All sorts of feelings going on inside. I got side tracked with my brother (you can tell I have some hard feelings about him)...but my dad was so depressed and told me often he just wanted to die. i would tell him I understood those feelings, and it may sound selfish, but I didnt' want him to leave me and that there was still plenty he could do and I would take him where ever he wanted to go. he was very sad as he felt he had to give up his license and planned to, but the thought of doing that was too much for him. I think he would have given up and died if he lost the ability to drive as well (he really shouldnt' drive!) It makes me happy when I see him puttering in his garage though, or mowing the lawn on the riding lawnmower, things that he always enjoyed doing. he was always a hard worker and not one to just sit and watch tv.

I'm not amazing, far from it, but thank you for saying that. I feel like I'm not doing enough.

A friend of mine who is a nurse said to me two months ago that my mom would pass in about a month. I was bothered that he said that...but he said that the smell that I smelled from my mom was a sign, and also I mentioned that she actually started to glow and look lovely and healthy even and so I had hope. he said that was a 'sign' as well. ..and burst of energy...he said another sign. Well, I was devastated and I wouldn't accept that...well, that was two months ago and she's still here. I've not smelled that odor again. I hope I don't either. But when she tires so easily, it makes me so sad and not just for me, but for her too.

I'm sorry I'm writing so much.

thank you so much for your care and concern and love.

[Sarian]

Originally Posted by onetruebeliever

Hi Sarian. I am so sorry you are having such a sad, difficult time. Witnessing their decline is difficult, but it is what it is. I take care of my Mom and some days it just makes me so sad. Some days it makes me crazy. Some days it makes me mad.

Your sorrow is not selfish. You love your parents and losing them hurts. Sorrow, grief, is a natural emotion. Just coming here and getting it out helps you deal with the pain.

Mom has vascular dementia - kind of sounds like what your Dad is experiencing. Plus he's having to live with your Mom's cancer. Mom is still in her home, but I don't know how much longer. She has good days and not so good days - the bad days are coming more regularly. I go every day to check on her, make her food, basically all the grunt work. Mom is compliant with most things, but her stubbornness is trying.

I don't really have any advice(because I am still learning how to be a caregiver to my Mom), but Tiss said it well. I occasionally have to be the parent to Mom - she doesn't like it, but it is what has to be done. Her thought process and reasoning are not what they used to be. She then comes around and we are still friends.

Keep your chin up. In your me time, do things that will relax you, that you really enjoy doing. Your parents are so very lucky to have a daughter such as you.

Hi OneTrueBeliever, I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with as well with your parents. A woman I job share with, I used to work with her mom and now her mom has alzheimers. She said some days she is good, other days she doesn't know anything. I can't imagine that if my parents had alzheimers as well. You sound very strong taking care of your parents. I know it can be trying. There are days I go over to my parents and my mom is ripping me a new one and I fight the tears, but soon as I get in the car, they fALL. I've always been the one she vents at and sometimes she lumps me in with all the rest she is angry at. It's hard to listen to. Days she is bad, I make sure my daughter is with me because she adores my daughter and my daughter will smile at me and help me through mom's harsh words.

I wish you all the best and thank you for writing.