How can I let go of my belief that I'm crazy?

[SerendipityLizard]

Originally Posted by Nameless

Sorry if I sounded preachy. It was more meant to be a sharing than a, you need to do this or that sort of thing. I am working on not coming off as preachy...apparently I still have some work to do, so thank you for the validation

It’s alright. I’ve been like this before and accidentally hurt people I’ve cared for too. Working on your flaws take time.

[SerendipityLizard]

Jack of Spades,

I think you’re right about me needing validation. I tried to be entirely independent in developing my confidence, but I’m not ready for that yet. I’ve learned that my own need to be independent can be out of pride, and sometimes I need the support to learn how to trust myself. I wish I can do the latter more.

Barrynu,

Yes, and thanks for listening to me venting it out. I appreciate it. :) I was afraid to vent out here — maybe I’m asking too much time from others, but it’s alright.

Eelco,
I have a mentor and second father figure in my life who tells me sometimes it’s the corniest things that are the most wise. I think he’s right, and with what you said too. Having an awakening has made me a lot kinder, but it has also made me a little too much focused away from my needs for rest. Thanks for the reminder. :)

Dan SF,
Heh. I guess I’m just so familiar with pressures from my family and teachers on rushing and hurrying through life that I misinterpreted the spiritual world on that. I have some trauma I won’t get into detail around that, but I guess it happens. No life turns out perfectly.

I can tell now they’re different. They ask for something, but if I can’t do it, it’s still alright. No need to rush, and no need to be ready for something too quickly. No punishments if I can’t fullfill what I need to do here — just gratitude for trying.

I feel calmer today. Still anxious, but better. Thanks for everything guys.

Originally Posted by SerendipityLizard

Ever since this whole spiritual awakening from a year ago, I've been doubting myself over and over. The ideas about higher self, mediumship, nonduality, reiki, and many other topics still blow my mind.

It's just that it's been overwhelming to transition from strong atheism to strong spiritualism about the world very suddenly. Well, not exactly suddenly, but it feels that way everyday.

With respect, keep awakening because 'awakening' isn't a single event, it's a long process. No wonder your head is back-to-front with all this conflict that's flying around inside it. To me (and Hailie Selassie by the way) religion is about the ideologies and theologies - which is what you're talking about here. Spirituality is the existential experience and thatr's a whole different ball game. And by the way, I;m an atheist and Spirituality doesn't change that for me.

Originally Posted by SerendipityLizard

One of the things that overwhelm me is the idea that I'm a lightworker on Earth. I've been living here with multiple lifetimes since the start of mankind, and next time, I'll still be in for the ride.

Everybody is a lightworker in some respect or other, unless you want to do the pretentious bit and that's ego not Spiritual.

Originally Posted by SerendipityLizard

I have a very strong sense of purpose then, and with avoiding it all my life, without it, I feel empty. I've even felt strong suicidal thoughts before if I ignored this need to act on my sense of purpose, and something about growing enormously fills me with passion.

Now that's awakening, because you're awakening to yourself.

Originally Posted by SerendipityLizard

But I still want to avoid it. I don't want that responsibility. I don't want all the trials of growing and developing. I don't want the big vision of sharing some powerful ideas and talents I could have in the future. A huge part of me just wants to be normal, but as I go through life, moving away from my deep love for purpose is pure suffering. I want to be safe, yet I'm always moving for the "crazy" choice no matter how afraid I am.

You can't avoid it, but what you can avoid the misconceptions you have about your purpose and what I means to you. Your purpose will become 'normal/natural' for you because when the time comes for it to manifest, you'll be ready to deal with it. If you're not ready it won't happen, it's that simple.

Originally Posted by SerendipityLizard

Something tells me I'm supposed to do something big here, but I don't want to follow that. I'm not special. I don't want to be overly egotistical. I'm not ready to just merge with oness and all there is. I don't want to attract so much attention that people will reject, criticize or disagree with me -- but something tells me that I have to speak out. Speak out for something, but what is it? I don't want to know.

How can I just let go and follow through?

Live your Life. Just get on with it and live from moment -to-moment and let nature take its course. And spend time looking at what you're scared of, because that really will 'awaken' you.


Our worst fears are not that we are inadequate, our worst fears are that we are more than our wildest dreams.


What you are experiencing right now is a kind of energetic potential difference between how you perceive yourself right now and how you perceive 'future you' will be. The problem is that you can't possibly come even close to perceiving what's going to happen because none of us can see past the next bend in the road never mind in years to come. The other problem seems to be that you're caught up in all the hype and it's taking on a Life of its own. Find your feet, lay good, solid foundations and the rest will take are of itself.

[SerendipityLizard]

Originally Posted by Greenslade

Our worst fears are not that we are inadequate, our worst fears are that we are more than our wildest dreams.


What you are experiencing right now is a kind of energetic potential difference between how you perceive yourself right now and how you perceive 'future you' will be. The problem is that you can't possibly come even close to perceiving what's going to happen because none of us can see past the next bend in the road never mind in years to come. The other problem seems to be that you're caught up in all the hype and it's taking on a Life of its own. Find your feet, lay good, solid foundations and the rest will take are of itself.

Ah, it hurts my ego a little, but this is true. I thought I'd feared being less, but what I was afraid of being more. I'm used and familiar with being inadequate. Being satisfied is a new experience I don't trust will last, and any major good things that happen seems like a sign to me that I'm being fooled.

I didn't sense any sign of being spiritually pretentious though. Being a lightworker doesn't mean being better, happier or more spiritual than others. It simply means a role on having to change things here and that can have as many negative experiences as positive ones. Which is exactly why I'm more afraid than proud of it.

Life just doesn't seem possible to be this good, and I struggle to not be on guard on the worst that can happen.

[SerendipityLizard]

Originally Posted by Greenslade

Our worst fears are not that we are inadequate, our worst fears are that we are more than our wildest dreams.


What you are experiencing right now is a kind of energetic potential difference between how you perceive yourself right now and how you perceive 'future you' will be. The problem is that you can't possibly come even close to perceiving what's going to happen because none of us can see past the next bend in the road never mind in years to come. The other problem seems to be that you're caught up in all the hype and it's taking on a Life of its own. Find your feet, lay good, solid foundations and the rest will take are of itself.

Ah, it hurts my ego a little, but this is true. I thought I'd feared being less, but what I was afraid of being more. I'm used and familiar with being inadequate. Being satisfied is a new experience I don't trust will last, and any major good things that happen seems like a sign to me that I'm being fooled.

I don't detect any ego based on being special as a lightworker. In fact, I'm more scared of it than proud of it. Admitting progress is happening and that I'm a better person now seems like arrogance to me in a lifetime of trauma where I'm constantly blamed without people explaining why to me.

I'm not the type to be too proud. I'm the type to be too ashamed. And sorry, but I'm ashamed for what you said to me too. The spiritual world talks about being equal and on not thinking of yourself as higher than others, but I keep thinking myself as someone "lower". And your feedback honestly affirms that I deserve no help and progress -- whether you intended it or not -- which I bet you didn't.

But I am trying to be grounded, but being diagnosed with PTSD from childhood trauma doesn't make that easy. I've been trying to heal for years, and the "hype" I'm making are irrational feelings from flashbacks from the past.

Sorry about getting emotional about this. It's just that I've been trying to forget what happened, but this brought up old memories I didn't want to remember. Please be more gentle next time. I don't want to be hurt again.
Life just doesn't seem possible to be this good, and I struggle to not be on guard on the worst that can happen.

Originally Posted by SerendipityLizard

Ah, it hurts my ego a little, but this is true. I thought I'd feared being less, but what I was afraid of being more. I'm used and familiar with being inadequate. Being satisfied is a new experience I don't trust will last, and any major good things that happen seems like a sign to me that I'm being fooled.

I don't detect any ego based on being special as a lightworker. In fact, I'm more scared of it than proud of it. Admitting progress is happening and that I'm a better person now seems like arrogance to me in a lifetime of trauma where I'm constantly blamed without people explaining why to me.

I'm not the type to be too proud. I'm the type to be too ashamed. And sorry, but I'm ashamed for what you said to me too. The spiritual world talks about being equal and on not thinking of yourself as higher than others, but I keep thinking myself as someone "lower". And your feedback honestly affirms that I deserve no help and progress -- whether you intended it or not -- which I bet you didn't.

But I am trying to be grounded, but being diagnosed with PTSD from childhood trauma doesn't make that easy. I've been trying to heal for years, and the "hype" I'm making are irrational feelings from flashbacks from the past.

Life just doesn't seem possible to be this good, and I struggle to not be on guard on the worst that can happen.

We can spend our Lives feelings as tough we're inadequate for so long that it becomes ingrained into our very being, and it's difficult to see another way. There might be one and we might even dare enough to take a few steps, but yet in the back of our minds we're waiting for the joker to pull the rug from under our feet. Even when something good happens we're wondering when the other shoe is going to bounce off our heads.


In the present, our perceptions of the past create our future and this is where you are now - somewhere between living with your perceptions of the past and trying to move forwards. If you weren't trying to move forwards you wouldn't have written this post in the first place. Essentially it's a cry for help, and you've made it regardless of whether you think you deserve it or not. It's also happening and so many people have posted supportive replies whether you believe it or not. Yet still there's something inside that feels as though you don't deserve it, that it's not what you're used to. You don't know how to deal with it because it's something you've never been used to. By the way, without going into a lot of detail I am talking from personal experience.


Do yourself a huge favour and forget Spirituality because it won't help, at least not in the short term. If anything it'll only make it worse if it hasn't already - which seems to be the case. While there are Spiritual answers they'll only serve to keep you in this same frame of mind and I'm being very careful not to feed that particular fire. There are no Spiritual solutions to psychological issues, which are what you're talking about here. Your 'irrational feelings' are from issues that you haven't resolved as yet and Spirituality doesn't have the answers for those - only you do. Deal with your PTSD and your childhood trauma because that's where it all begins, Spirituality can be nothing more than a distraction in your situation.

[SerendipityLizard]

Originally Posted by Greenslade

We can spend our Lives feelings as tough we're inadequate for so long that it becomes ingrained into our very being, and it's difficult to see another way. There might be one and we might even dare enough to take a few steps, but yet in the back of our minds we're waiting for the joker to pull the rug from under our feet. Even when something good happens we're wondering when the other shoe is going to bounce off our heads.


In the present, our perceptions of the past create our future and this is where you are now - somewhere between living with your perceptions of the past and trying to move forwards. If you weren't trying to move forwards you wouldn't have written this post in the first place. Essentially it's a cry for help, and you've made it regardless of whether you think you deserve it or not. It's also happening and so many people have posted supportive replies whether you believe it or not. Yet still there's something inside that feels as though you don't deserve it, that it's not what you're used to. You don't know how to deal with it because it's something you've never been used to. By the way, without going into a lot of detail I am talking from personal experience.


Do yourself a huge favour and forget Spirituality because it won't help, at least not in the short term. If anything it'll only make it worse if it hasn't already - which seems to be the case. While there are Spiritual answers they'll only serve to keep you in this same frame of mind and I'm being very careful not to feed that particular fire. There are no Spiritual solutions to psychological issues, which are what you're talking about here. Your 'irrational feelings' are from issues that you haven't resolved as yet and Spirituality doesn't have the answers for those - only you do. Deal with your PTSD and your childhood trauma because that's where it all begins, Spirituality can be nothing more than a distraction in your situation.

I calmed down, and I still don't think you're right. I've been healing rapidly on my own trauma for the last 8 months, and it's gotten a lot better.

Why do you assume I'm running to spirituality by ignoring my trauma? Why do you think my situation was exactly like yours in the past? I'm sure to have some occasional flashbacks like this, but not as often as I did before. I can still move on to spirituality, and it has been helping me. Even if there are some hard paths over the way, generally it's better.

All I know is that I asked for affirmation, not advice, and you've crossed those boundaries.

I did not need a wake up call. I did not need more pressure to act when I've already felt that way. I do not need you.

I am not you. Not who you were. Not who you are now. Now back off.

Originally Posted by SerendipityLizard

I am not you. Not who you were. Not who you are now. Now back off.

OK, consider it done.

[SerendipityLizard]

Originally Posted by Greenslade

OK, consider it done.

Thank you.

[EnlightenedPursuits]

I don't know if you should "let go" of anything that you are feeling.

If there is anything in this life that is real, truthful, or concrete, it's our emotions and our feelings.

What I personally think that a lot of paths within spirituality don't do a good job of is being honest with yourself.

No one should just feel the way that you say I should feel just because it was written in some 5,000 year old text.

I feel anger and that is true to me.
I feel depressed and that is true to me.
I feel anxious and that is true to me.

The first thing to do if I don't want to feel those things is not to just "embrace the light" or "embrace love and truth," I need to plunge straight into the heart of my issues and don't come back up until I know what they are, where they come from, and only then can I decide what the next course of action can be...

...if there needs to even be a course of action in the first place.

At the risk of going off topic, our "negative emotions" like our fears and anxieties are actually are most powerful tools because they provide protection in the face of danger.

Am I supposed to love the snake that has the power to kill me in minutes if I were to be bitten? Well not really; my fear of snakes justifies my fear of not being able to live a healthy life.