Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

now i think
this whole thing
was just me
dreaming of a better tomorrow

despite the fact
none of it exists

[FallingLeaves]

even if someone
did exist
at this point
I'm tired
of fooling myself\
into thinking
that they actually care.

[FallingLeaves]

so no matter
what I choose to do
someone
somewhere
tells me
it is the wrong thing to do.

and then more bad feeling....

[FallingLeaves]

there are so many reasons
we are not on the same page
I guess

well it was a nice daydream while it lasted.

[FallingLeaves]

it is lose-lose
for a me

if i do the right thing
I can't have anything in return

and if i don't do the right thing
I get a beating.

[FallingLeaves]

(whimpering)
i don't want
another life
where I dream
about someone
who doesn't exist
all life long

then get to the end
dismayed

I'd rather kick out
anyone
who says they are real
but aren't....

but that hurts too...

[FallingLeaves]

i don't need
more ways
to act like a boy...

just to get things
I'm not even
sure I want

i think
for once in my life
i just want 'normal' thoughts
that don't involve
fancy people
or
fancy places

because
at least then
I don't have to
deal with
fantasies
of unreality

and the incredible
distress
that comes
living that life
and then facing the consequences.

[FallingLeaves]

well the thing about death is
whatever I've put my energy in
to get
it just vaporizes

usually,
getting the same thing back
becomes much more expensive
next time around

and then things i get
I often have buyers remorse
anyway

so
anymore
i'm like
why not just do without?

Just because everyone says you can have something
or even should have something
that doesn't make it worth it
in terms of my own effort.

At least that is what I think.

[FallingLeaves]

it isnt so much
not wanting stuff
as
the road being blocked

and it just isn't worth it
to even try.

Too much not wanting stuff
in the past
I guess.

[FallingLeaves]

not going to try
to be any more 'real'
than i already am.

Noone is ever 'real'
with me
and I just don't feel like
putting myself out there.

That said
I'm not going
to great lengths
to be hidden
either

some of the stuff I say
scares me silly
because
it is identifiable enough
that someone I know
could someday
pick up on it...

And I've been feeling that way
for close to 20 years
without
it much letting up
a lot of fear
on top of
a lot of fear

so
I'm not gonna make it worse.
If anyone really wanted to know
they'd do me the favor
of actually asking
anyway
I suppose...

another thing
that isn't likely to happen.