Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

while he ponders the idea
that maybe he is going too far
and wonders
when the punishment for this is coming?????

he also wonders
if he isn't
somewhat
of an exhibitionist!
--------------------------------------------------
so why not
rehash this
for yet
the umpteenth
million time?
---------------------------------------------------
but it isn't like
it isn't something
he hasn't said
already
he is sure
----------------------------------------------------
in high school he sorta
kinda
dated
a couple of girls

it must have been awful for them
he doesn't know how
they put up with him
even as long as they did!

poker faced as he was.

another girl in high school
became a secret admirer

he ditched her though
probably
because
of what happened
with previous
natural disasters
when someone
admired him

but he doesn't really know

of course later
he was moaning
about missed opportunities
the way he always does
lol...
-----------------------------------------------------
there was a girl in high school
who was kinda nice to him
she was from the 'her' clan

he wrote her a letter once
but quickly let it go...

after high school
there was a girl in another city
and they wrote back and forth

eventually he lost interest he thinks
he doesn't think he got mean that time...
----------------------------------------------
in college there were various girls
that were interesting
he didn't really dance much
with them
though

a couple of them he has dreamt about
from time to time

one showed up often
in college dreams
often they were in
math classes
together...

another,
and she was kinda a good luck charm for him
showed up in his most favorite dream of all time.
He felt so close to her, in that dream...

IRL he had made the usual bad choice
of not seeing her
and seeing her sister instead...

but beyond that there was nothing in college...
----------------------------------------------
after college some girl
who knew one of hte other girls
had a thing for him
it was kinda obvious
at least to him
and even though
there was some trepidation
about the relationship
the two of them had
given his history
he said
why not?
and asked her out.

they went on a date
but
when he drove her home
the walls kinda closed in
he closed down
he was probably kinda gruff
he doesn't even remember
exactly the way it went...

and that ended horribly too

---------------------------------------------------
so after that
he dated some girl
from the newspaper
one time

he still remembers
she had strong
swirling
images around her cheeks

he figured
she must have been
somewhat talented
spiritually...

wondered idly what she was lost in...

but he let that go too...
-------------------------------------------------

sometime after that
he was communicating with some girl
and they were supposed to meet somewhere
so he went
but
he let himself
chicken out
at the last moment
---------------------------------------------------------
beyond that
his only relationships
were a swirl
of internet activity
sometimes
on boards like this
sometimes
in emails...

he closed people down
more than once

still has an unopened email
from someone who tried to talk to him
but
it just hurt too much
to open that last email
and in the end
he just let it go

he's thought sometimes
about opening it
but what is the point
she is long gone
and why not let old wounds heal?

mind you
it wasn't
any problem with them
or what he thought of them
usually they had been very nice
and it was he who closed them down
based more on his own phobias
than on anything that was 'real'.

he just could never cope
with
thie idea of
the things he knew
he would have to do
to maintain a relationship

and that is the way it has always been
he wanted a relationship
with someone
but he just doesn't like
the rules
for who he has to be
how he has to behave
if he actually wants one.

so much so
that no matter how hard he tries
he just can't make himself
stomach it
instinctively he
would much rather
close doors
and run away...

and then sit around
wondering
about
why he can't have a relationship
lol
----------------------------------------------------------
But he is already
in a kind of a hell
he supposes
why
he asks
should he ask for an even worse one?

why not live with
the horror he knows
instead of inviting
an as of yet unknown
kind of horror?

------------------------------------------------------------
sometimes he hopes
wishes
things will eventually be different
but
realistically speaking
it probably
just isn't a gonna happen

he's too broken

wah wah wah wah wah....
---------------------------------------------------------------
and yet still
he loves this life
and is glad for it

he well knows
that what he has got
even so
this thing that god has given him

is so much better
than anything
he could have ever known to ask for

even broken as it is.

[FallingLeaves]

as far as what I said about proof
there is this thing
we all know about
were everyone thinks
they have to get
as much money as possible

even the scientists are doing it
apparently
they want as much agreement with each other
as is possible to get.

Think about it.
agreement IS money.
Having the physicalness of money as we know it
you can have agreement
from others
for whatever you want to give them some money
to get agreement for.

and that really is all there is to many people's thinking
--------------------------------------------------------
if it were left to us
we would just od
on the desire to get money
and there would be nothing else left
for life

but if you get to a certain point
you might begin to sense
the totality
of what has been stacked
against that desire of ours
that love for money

and if you get to that point
and begin to sense what is there
and why
you might begin to get a sense
for the wonders of god
--------------------------------------------------------
again
money isn't the core of the problem
that we all face
but it certainly makes
good bars for a cage...
---------------------------------------------------------
all of the above
is just my own musing
and shouldn't be confused
with reality

[FallingLeaves]

well that didn't come out quite right

really my upsettedness
is more about
what I get
when I do certain things

I just know
that if I try to relate
the way I was told to relate
I'm gonna get punished
big time
with an even more awful
segment of life
so I shut down.

But that said
when I reviewed
what was really going on
I realized
that not only
am I scared silly
of the awful punishments
I sense coming my way...

I didn't really
want to be
relating that way
in the first place

not when I'm stopping
and being honest with myself.

but it is hard
when everything in you
is telling you
you have to act
a certain way
to get something you would treasure

then have to
try not to act
the 'proper' way

because things don't actually work that way
at least not for you.

especially hard
given the nature of god's 'curse'.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

the princess in the taj mahal
made the mistake
of doing the proper thing
instead of reaching for her heart's desire
so she died in childbirth

marilyn made the mistake
of trying to force her will
on someone
so she died I won't say how

many many others I can't even name
chose an attitude toward life
that wasn't in line
with actual life
and died just as quickly...

it seems to be a theme...

me and death are old friends...
----------------------------------------------------------------
so you'll have to accept
I'm trying to come to terms
with the fact
I can't keep continuing on that way

and that is HARD.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I don't wanna die
and so far that desire
has been enough
that I would instinctively accept
just closing down
and sending people away
instead of even trying
to make it work out

even though
and this is sacrilege
I know it must make them feel horrible

and then I have to live with the aftermath
of wondering
why I can't have relationships
------------------------------------------------------------
but that is better than
doing what I was told
and jumping through a hoop
presented by the world
just to get a treat
but only tasting death instead
------------------------------------------------------------
so i don't see how anything could ever work out
at this point
between me
and really anyone...
------------------------------------------------------------
well i still think
im a gonna get punished
for all this sacrilege

too many words
that just shouldn't be said

if nothing else

the respectability I'm not gonna get
the foolishness I'm feeling
the people who are probably starting to hate me

still,
this moment is a dream come true
where I get to relate things
I am actually wanting to relate
instead of toeing the line
and saying only
what I'm told
would be acceptable
for a me to say.

so i don't much mind.
much better to spend at least a moment
with a true self

than to continue
worrying about
what I'm presenting
to the world

and the inevitable response.

[FallingLeaves]

so im not afraid of death
myself
it is just exasperating
-----------------------------------------
i wouldn't mind
growing up
in another life
as the opposite gender

it is much easier that way
anyway
to learn how to behave
and to become accepted
and to have meaningful relationships
than if you switch midstream
-----------------------------------------
im tired after the last few days...

[FallingLeaves]

still tired but...
===================================
so at some point
i thought up
all the ways
i could
have a female body

there is the obvious one
do the social transgender thing
that some people do

but you have to have so many people
messing in your
physical
and emotional
lives
to pull it off

and it is kinda crude anyway

and all you get at the end
is a bunch of people hating you
because you don't fit in

and the only real relationships you can have
are with other misfits like you

you never get to taste 'real life' as a female.

so that is out
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
i could petition god

but this is the kind of life where he lets me fend for myself

and i wholeheartedly agree with his assessment in that

so that is out
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I could petition one of my consorts

but i don't really believe any would help me

and my experience is

that even when they do decide to be useful

and give me something like that

the results are such an awful life

that I wouldn't want it anyway

so that is out
----------------------------------------------------------------------
so the only one thing
that would even remotely work
is if I use the magic
to do a kinda shape-shifting thing
and give *myself* a female body

then i don't have to involve society at large
in my own personal decisions
about who and what I am...
or god
or any of my consorts

down side is finding a place in the world
after that
would be difficult

I don't really want to be
trying to figure out
all the things I would have to do
to have a place
in a way
that makes sense to me
----------------------------------------------------------------
might be possible to do it anyway
and just step out of the world

maybe back to the natural world

apparently I've done that before
----------------------------------------------------------------
i used to complain and wail over and over
about
how the main reason I don't do that
is
it is so very difficult
to try to get
something I shoulda just had anyway
and the only wages are
it will be taken away again soon anyway
and I'll be stuck back here
with this horror
and have to do it
all over again
and wah wah wah!

But any more I don't mind hard work
and I trust god enough to know
not to be demanding
that it all work out
some perfect way
like in my imagination

and so I've remembered the real reason
I am so reticent with this
--------------------------------------------------------
it is like anything else

I've had so many footballs
pulled out from under me

I just never can trust any more
that I can get
anything in particular
that I'm trying to get
of my own volition

that it won't just be pulled from my grasp

Nothing ever seems to work out.

So in this lifetime
it has seems best
just to ignore the fact
that there are things I want
and I want them really really badly!

and it seems best
just to play the hand I was dealt
and quit
demanding
things be some perfect way
i imagine about
*before* I will accept relating
to whatever life
got wants to breathe into me

I can't even do that properly though....

[FallingLeaves]

i love god

even if i never get anything I want

I will still love god.

[FallingLeaves]

well im getting old
and it has been so long
there is a lot to forget


so i forgot about the french girl

Turns out I did go out on a date in college...

that crash-and-burn was a little different
but memorable because it happend
about the time
of the challenger disaster

this was before I met 'the world'
but still an odd 'coincidence'
even in that time

the way it ended
I decided
I wanted to tell her
I liked her
and wanted to be friends.

She thought though
that I was going to proclaim
undying
or everlasting
love
or something

and didn't want any part of it

Back then
saying anything at all
was HUGE
but still
I couldn't defend myself
against
her chosen misconceptions

so I got to feel humiliated
while i watched her walk away.

kind of a different way
to crash and burn
than most of the rest of them.

I used to lament how unfair life was
over things like that
sometimes

how mean people always choose to be

no matter how well meaning I am
I always feel like
I'm being treated like
a rube

that is if I relate at all...

and people wonder why i don't wanna relate.
why i hide from the world...

but it is another thing
i haven't thought of
in a very long time...
---------------------------------------------------------------

[FallingLeaves]

i feel grounded in the physical reality
at least to the extent I want to try to be

i don't find it realistic
to try to be
completely grounded
anymore

what I'm not grounded in
is the world of people

Dealing with my place in the world
is a constant challenge
where I'm trying to remember
the 'correct' way to do things
and live accordingly
but none of it comes naturally.

but maybe a lot of that
is my ongoing gender dysphoria....

it doesn't help either
that
the meditations I am doing
on and off
during the day
change the way I vibrate
away from what is common
in the consesus reality
either....

being terrified changes things too....
as i am finding
once again
these last few days...
====================================
so when I say
all those females helped me
of course they weren't trying to help me
and they didn't have any idea they were helping me
it just that
they gave me the privilege
of letting me interact with them
and to the extent I could take chances
with the way I was relating
I would learn lessons from them

so i say they helped me.
It would be reckless not to
because
it was an interaction
both sides
were a part of what was going on
even if they didn't know it

[FallingLeaves]

yeah yeah i know
back to the addiction

im a little tired of expounding on that topic
but will say
that i think
at least
that I kept my head pretty well this time...

the awful part for me is
with the fact
I've learned
I can't close doors permanently
I feel like
that will always be an open wound...

[FallingLeaves]

so
after he learned
he wasn't gonna have a female body
and relate that way physically
much to his own chagrin

he decided
at least he could console himself
with learning about
what kinds of attitudes towards life
he might cherish.

One of those attitudes
that he found
is a respect for the fact
that asking others to support
the attitudes he has about life
is completely wrong.

So he has a sense
he doesn't want to write endless words about it
and slice and dice his own reality
that way
the way he has always done
in the past

and that is nice too...

but nor does he want to
just hide from the world
remember that bit
about being
an exhibitionist?

he did figure out though
from the things people were telling him
that he was doing
that were over the top
that if the others
wanted to know something
at all
(and mind you,
they don't have to want to know anything
they don't wish to know)
they would be just as comfortable
observing whatever seenms interesting
and choosingf their own life for themselves

in fact probably
the way things seem to him
they weren't going to let him get away
with telling them what was 'true' about his life
regardless...

which letting things rest that way
is two more nice things.

and the fact that all that means to him
he doesn't have to go play acting
and being something he doesn't want to be
just to please a crowd

just another nice thing.

He's found a lot of stuff
a lot of it very subtle
but he likes subtle

but he's found a lot of stuff
that is oh so much better
than all thiings he was tromping around and doing
when he was convinced he had to act like a guy

so that is why he says
he could never have dreamed
this beautiful stuff up f
or himsel
not while he was convinced to act
the way he was convinced to act

and so he is very happy
for the fact of god.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm somewhat resistant
to the idea
of 'who'
in this mess
I've gotten myself into

seems like if I decide
to choose some random name
out of a hat
when it isn't agt all obvious
what is actually going on

I will just be choosing
another
'big meaning'
for myself
to live out
as if it were the most important thing
that ever can happen
or ever will.

I'd rather jusgt not know.

good enough is good enough
-------------------------------------------------------------
so it crossed his mind
at some point
that it was possible that
early on
it had crossed her mind
to think
it doesn't HAVE to be this way
but if this is what you want...

which is funny because early on
all he could think
is 'it doesn't HAVE to be thisz way,
why are you making me do this?'

but it happened the way it happened
and honestly
he thinks now
god can make good food
out of any old messed up ingredients...

not that he would wish what happened to him
on anyone else.