An issue with relationships and friendships

[CosmicWonder]

Hii asearcher,

I’m a bit speechless. I recognze the feeling of rejection.

This girl was a girl that really felt special to me for very long. I think I spend several years trying to get her attention. And sometimes she gave it, but would always suddenly stop and turn away and it would always feel like rejection. Never would I mention it. Until, one day, I was done. If was enough. I knew she was my type, that she might very well like me and that it might work. But at that point she hadn’t opened her eyes yet. Then, at that point, I got mad and then after some stating the situation to her openly and bluntly, I moved on as I had gotten the courage to leave her alone. After a month or two, she messaged me saying she was sorry and that she would like literally never let me down again. We became best friends, but never was she special again. We met one time, and she kinda wanted to hug but wanted to see it in the moment. We didn’t hug but we did have dinner together and it was fun (for me it was exhausting as well because well I was quickly tired at that moment. I gave her my all by being so present).

Ae tried to meet up some times more, didn’t happen because of circumstances. I got a girl that wanted my attention and did want physical intimacy and I went with that and it was a lot of fun. That broke, because of a silly fight. So I went back to this girl before that I still had contact with (and that went pretty well, but only she would vaguely hint she wanted more. Never giving her efforts to it really,
even when I was all hers in theory). Now before new year she came over.
And she initiated the more I wanted before that time I got mad. It was special,
It was healing, we both enjoyed it. But when she was gone, we both got rather emotional. She turned away again, I felt it! And it felt thereby it was only one time. Why is a rather unknown to me. Because she wants it. She just seems to rather be with guys that make her feel bad at the moment or something.

Anyway, that is only a small piece of the story. It’s rather complex and difficult to explain. But I felt the freedom to write it down on this forum, while I’m usually warned by my own feels to share.

It does feel unrepairable. I hope I can find a way to make something work, if not with her. Strange enough I was always the guy to show a particular girl my efforts (of course without overdoing). But now I just am searching for potential elsewhere. It feels so unfair.

Much kindness,

CW