Completely alone in life, not coping well

First, my sincere condolences... loss of family is hard especially when you are in a precarious situation, make sure to take care of yourself the best you are able, if at all possible.

In response to your OP I decided to break it down in sections, for clarities sake. It'll be here when you return... *smile*

Originally Posted by Louisa

I am bipolar (type 2), pretty sure, never diagnosed. Medication might work, but frankly, I don't want to mess around with it right now. I am afraid it might make me worse, and I can't handle that right now. -- I spent years trying to learn to drive, but now I am afraid I will never be able to - I think I may have dyscalculia, which can affect driving). -- By the way, I am very sensitive and upset by noise (highly sensitive person, maybe autism spectrum disorder), I am sensitive to electomagnetic fields (towers, power lines, etc.), I am sensitive to toxins -many kinds of housing make me sick - yet another problem I must try to deal with. Requiring a restricted diet and a certain kind of work environment or I'm just mentally foggy, forgetful, anxious, and ill.

Bi-polar Type 2 can be extremely difficult due to the periods of depression it entails, which tend to be worse and longer than in Type 1. But, there is the absence of full manic episodes and instead you have hypomanic episodes, which can "feel good" sometimes but can have long-term consequences due to choices that may be made during a hypomanic. I understand the reluctance to take medication right now as getting the levels "just right" for a therapeutic effect can require several months of adjustment. I will say in medications favor that there have been some promising improvements - lithium is no longer the gold standard and there are other options. Anti-depressants today are never, (or shouldn't be, depending on how up on current literature a doctor is) prescribed to people with BP 2 as they only address depression, not hypomania. In any diagnoses of BP 2 it is very important to look back over the life time and try to identify times when you have experienced a hypomanic or a depression that was unrelated to events in your life. If you go to a doctor, they should ask about this...

Also - thyroid conditions can "mimic" the behavioral symptoms of BP so a blood test is a good idea to rule that out as it might be a very physical very treatable thyroid condition that effects your moods. Unfortunately, there is no "hard data" able to link BP with neurological processes - so they can't test you for it, just talk to you about it and assess your symptoms to see if they meet the criteria. But, they can rule out other causes, which is why, if you have the ability to, it might be wise to consult a physician & a psychologist - that and due to the other conditions you suspect you might have. At the very worst they confirm your worst imaginings & at the very best they are able to pinpoint another cause that is easily treatable.

That said, I have been diagnosed with BP 2 and since I declined medication (partially due to no insurance so I can not afford anything other than lithium and partially due to a lifestyle choice) my doctor has worked with me on alternative forms of treatment which include regular exercise, I can't stress it enough - it is amazing the difference in my mood stability compared to when I didn't exercise and when I do. (I haven't been able to for the past two months and I have definitely felt the difference.) I run 3 times a week for 3-6 miles - if possible I trail run so I can get some nature time & some exercise time simultaneously - it takes about 3 hours of my week. Diet! It sounds like you have diet restrictions so I do not know what you are able to or not able to eat - if you are not a vegetarian my doctor swears by eating salmon twice a week (she even wrote it on a prescription pad, bless her heart) - the Omega-3 oils have been shown to have a good effect with BP 2, if you do not eat fish or can't... try finding supplements rich in Omega-3. Generally, a diet rich with fresh fruits, vegetables, whole grains, Omega-3's is a good idea - for anyone - for as I learned in my neuroscience courses we literally are what we eat and as we get older that becomes more evident as our body is less able to compensate. Diet affects mood. Time in nature is also recommended for those so inclined and it sounds like you are. And sleep cycles are also important, getting just enough and not too much is essential. And of course there are the additional habits that could help; seeing a counselor on a regular basis, meditation, yoga, making sure to get Vitamin D time in the sun, stretching, journaling (which I know you do.. *smile*) - oh and I almost forgot - self-tracking! Tracking your moods, diet, exercise, sleep, supplements, any alcohol/caffeine/sugar/etc. use, stress (internal & external).. for starters. I started an Excel spreadsheet for mine.

Start with the simple solutions first and work your way out from there - Occam's Razor is useful for more than just economics.

I addressed the medical first as being able to make the changes you are looking in to requires being able to think clearly, being able to respond to your emotions in a balanced way, and knowing your body is being treated with care - it's all connected... I'd work on this first if you are at all able, or if you decide to. It is your choice on how to treat your self and you know better than anyone what works or does not work for you. Even your doctor - and remember you have that choice in the doctor's office, as long as you present your self as a rational person who has thoroughly looked at all of your options most doctors will work with you on this as they understand the difficulties in finding the right medication & actually having it work and as you said.. not make you worse. It's different for each person and what works for someone else may not work for you, and vice versa.

Originally Posted by Louisa

My husband is about to divorce me, it appears. -- It has been unpredictable -first he'd plan on working things out and staying together, and I'd think maybe we could, and then he'd threaten ultimatums and now that's where I'm at. -- Btw, I didn't mean to get pregnant, and it was highly unlikely that I was going to, but my husband manipulated the birth control. I had planned to leave him right before he did that (he didn't know).

I've already mentioned, in private, the one point of this I think is very pertinent to look at and address when assessing your options. I'd like to mention something else as well - many of the concerns you have expressed about your own capability to be independent - may not be as much of a concern once you remove yourself from the stress of living with someone who treats you this way on a daily basis. It takes a lot of strength to live with someone who is unpredictable and who is controlling - it takes a lot of work and does effect your body & mind. So, my point is.. a hopeful one.. that some of the symptoms you are experiencing may be lessened once you are no longer coping with someone in your home who is unpredictable... keeping on your toes to respond to that has to be a balancing act and it shows that you have more strength than you may think you do, right now.

Also, if you do not mind me saying, you seem unhappy in the relationship from what you have expressed here, so in the long run this could be a opportunity disguised as "drama", as again, some of your inner symptoms and your general outlook might change once you can see it from a different perspective. Take care of themselves as it were... but its a process, and different for everyone, like anything is..

Originally Posted by Louisa

Having my daughter to care for all day gives me a meaning and joy in my life that I never had before. -- Now, though I feel I still might self-destruct, but I have my daughter to worry about. -- If I go to live with my parents, I fear they're going to kick me out sooner or later, and living with them is going to make me miserable because they can be emotionally abusive. -- If I live alone, I am afraid I will have no joy, no motivation, and just be miserable and unable to make it through the day. -- If I have to go back to work and am not able to spend my time bonding and caring for my daughter I am afraid I'm just going to be miserable. Plus having to work all day, come home, cook and clean and never get a break, having no friends,.. No time in nature to walk at the park.

Situations like this are overwhelming - I find sometimes its best to break it in to little bits in order to get through it, baby steps.

First, it sounds like your daughter is the one area of your life you feel "meaning and joy" in, so what ever is best for you, is also best for her. Making changes now may enable you to present a healthier example for her and help you in being the mother you know you are - the perfect mother for her.

Second, if you did have to live with your parents for a while - do they treat your daughter like they do/did you? As someone else mentioned, even abusive parents can treat their grandchildren completely differently. Could you find a way to cope with it for a period of time while you work on making other arrangements - will it be as stressful as living with your husband has been? Are there ways you can plan to cope with that stress, coping strategies?

Third, have you lived alone? Would it be any worse than what you have endured living with your parents as a child or with your husband as an adult? Living alone can be well, lonely at times, but it also enables you to be the only one in control of your environment, the only one who gets to make choices that effect that environment, and can help you get to know yourself in a way that is difficult when living with others. Maybe a pros & cons list is in order? Also, you never know what odd people you may meet who fit your own type of personality once your "out there". You might find that isn't as lonely as you think and that you'll have more opportunities to meet people who can become your friends.. and social support.

Finally - work. I do not know what skills you possess but I immediately thought of some sort of work at home type of job might be good for you. I'm in many ways kicking myself for not taking the medical terminology certificate offered at my community college as it's a well paid job and often can be a telecommuting position. There are also online courses for that sort of certificate. Finding something part-time might help as well, to start to see how you can creatively manage your schedule so you are able to spend time with your daughter, care for your self, and keep afloat at the same time. Depending on how the divorce is handled you may also be able to expect at least some child support from your husband or alimony if you have stayed at home in order to help him and your daughter. I am not sure exactly how all of that works but there are lawyers who do and often give free "divorce" consultations. Also, finally (long winded soul that I am...) again, you may find once you change your environment this might not look as bleak.. as you gain the energy back that you have been expending just to survive it might become easier to find ways to manage work & motherhood. I'm not a mother, so I can't speak from that perception, but I have very good friends who are single mothers and while it is challenging they have managed to pull through.

So to wrap this up - a friend of mine who holds a similar outlook to yours, or at least to the outlook you have shared on these boards, once wrote "eliminating options is not an occupation" as she was also pondering some life changes. I find it a useful reminder when I fall in to that mind set as well, when change comes upon a person all of a sudden like its natural to fall in to a self-defeated mind set - but its not useful for actually coming through those changes. Finding options can be a challenging and creative endeavor and it sounds to me like you and your daughter are worth it.

Again.. my condolences Louisa on your grandfather's passing and my empathy & understanding for the pressure you are experiencing right now. One step at a time is the way to complete any transition, just one step. Then the next. Then the next can get you to where ever you decide to go. *smile*