Healing...

[Fizwold]

Rewriting this again and again. Don`t know how to ask and give proper details. If I state something I am not otherwise supposed to it was not intended to break the rules, I was born with out any sense of tact.

I am schizophrenic, was severely and extremely abused growing up and to an extent that is still going on with my surviving family and paying for their actions by shifting the blame or the cost for the action in general on to myself. My sister and I raised each other and schooled our selves for half of schooling. I am also a Christian and the reason I say so is I think important to display the degree of feeling the need for peace and answers, to heal a would have been lethal wound to my spirit if it was possible to do.

Growing up I was told I am a sensitive, I refused to believe in such a thing as I refused to believe in the wonder of what is and that it was all harsh , black and white. I heard things, saw things and still do. Never really bothered by any of it too much outside of maybe getting annoyed. The big ones I always found comical in the end of it, like a joke to me. I fell into practicing active imagination for a bit, seen some things and stopped because it might have been something else entirely what I was doing as there were entities popping up that I was unaware of the meaning behind them until I talked to my sister about them. The active imagination was in attempt fix myself and I had a few good things from it but not something I will go into. I was told certain things was a common experience for family on both sides that I was supposed to be taught things but never was leading me to learn from what I could teach myself.

I started going into numerology a little bit and found out about karma and karmic debt and surprise, surprise. Again, I am a Christian , though I do not know truly what I am now so I just have faith I suppose. The only woman I fell in love with surprisingly loved me back and she was a Wiccan (we left on friendly terms even with an argument here and there on faiths) She is what kick started me into this realm we are in now and was someone and a event I sorely needed at the time to get things rolling. At anyrate according to what I read I carry tragedy with me and I need to learn to control my emotions and that even if I carry things through to the letter I will suffer from the actions of others and that help from friends and family with not be there that I have to carry myself through things and learn on my own and demonic influences will follow me around. Granted I used my wording, and I talked to a few people
and was told "You are going to suffer greatly but in the end it will be worth it." But that last tid bit was something different and another , interesting, story altogether.

Even if the world is a stage and the actors may or may not know it is a stage the acts must be played out in order.

My question is, how do you deal with nearly non-stop tragedy that can warp your very sense of reality to the point of sensory over load even in the quiet blackness of night?
The piece of my psyche is screaming , pleading with me to take vengeance , to defend ourselves , myself. Seems even in self defense where they intend to take me out of the big picture I still wont go all in as it were, still do not like harming people. I do not hate, I hurt.