How would you have reacted?

I am married but my relationship has not been easy.

I have thought about why I began to, how my husband would put it, withdraw from him, and then sort of come back to then withdraw again.

When I look back I realized early that if I was to say something he would be on the defense.

He would also make me doubt my experience and call me too sensitive or so sensitive. Considering that I am highly sensitive it seems like that was always a card he could use to minimize me, my words. Not to validate my experience, that I had an actual right to have felt what I felt.

Then again I was not someone who would have strong reactions on every little thing, he would say he thought I was easy to live with. That has never felt as relaxed with anyone.

I would be interested to know how you guys would think you would have reacted if this happened to you (so this happened to me, years back), and he did not understand me one bit:

Throughout from when I showed up one time at his work on a special occasion he seemed to ignore me. He did not greet me like the others in his company greeted their family, friends, loved ones.

I had at the start been invited to my husband's work, special day that day. I had not asked to be. Lots of people there. He was talking to everyone, people listening.

During when he would speak to everyone I could tell his cheeks would get a little red but I don't think anyone else noticed. I would try to smile encouraging, but not take space, and not ask questions. He would not look at me. He would not give away any kind of sign throughout the entire event that he even knew me.

Lots of questions were asked by others and he was one of those who answered. He was serious, correct, knew how to answer any questions, but could spark up in a smile or quick laugh as well.

Then as we followed a particular schedule for the day, it was time for a lunch break, dinner break.

I notice that everyone, or should I say almost everyone in his team, would then greet, go to their loved ones.

I stood there waiting for him, I could see him, but he ignored me. He was talking to a female colleague. Soon it was just me left there. I still stood there, waiting, waiting. I figured I had made my move. Now it was time for him to make his. To come over. I could not understand why he just could not come over. So we could eat. I did not know the other people there. I had assumed we would at least eat together.

The female colleague looked at me and she had a sort of expression of her face as of that of victory, almost mean to me like she was better than I was, I was this nobody, did I not know that? As if he rather would continue to talk to her than go over to me. And apparently she was right. And then she continued to talk to him. Even after she had seen me just stand there and wait. I was the only one left there to wait. The others in his crew did not let their people wait. Only he did (Now when I come to think of it why did she not go over to her loved ones? Maybe she did not have any?). The way I read it was that she had the hots for him, to be honest. I had more difficulty reading him. All I could tell is that he had no interest to even look my way once.

I left to get food and to try to find a place to sit down and I think I was still in some sort of fog, so I had thought earlier about his red cheeks and that maybe he needed to drink something, eat something, so I took a portion and glas of something to drink as well to him. I placed everything down at a table.

He would not to my memory show up.

Then after this break everything then continued in a similar pattern as before.

Then afterwards he could tell something was wrong.

I only knew I had felt ignored and even humiliated standing there, waiting for him and why he had kept talking to his female colleague like that, and too other people had noticed, but nobody had said anything. He had made a complete fool out of me. Or I had let him? But I had not been prepared for this. I had not had my "shield" on. I had not known I had to have that.

When I told him I had felt ignored and humiliated that he had kept on talking to her, he right away took defense. He told me that he had not felt like eating and that he did not think I was a little girl who could not get food for myself. That he had been busy preparing for the next thing, but as far as my memory went he did not talk, but others did, after the break so what was he suppose to prepare, exactly?

He had no understanding whatsoever how I had felt. None.

I asked him too why he had invited me to come. Was it to humiliate me? I had not needed to come. I had come to show my support of him that day. Why did he ask for me to come even when it was so obvious he had no appreciation at all that I was actually there. I could just as well not have been there.

He then said he had seen me on my way in with the others and that he had felt pride that that was my girl, as he put it. But he had not greeted me like others did theirs. He had only seen me from a far. I had done my best throughout to be gracious. I had felt a bit lost but had decided to just follow the crowd and ask my way too forward.

This incident hurt me. And it hurt even more, he made me feel as if I was ridiculous, he was harsh to me when I dared to show myself vulnerable, when he took defense like that.

He would do this a lot, like his first reaction was always to be harsh, be on the defense. That don't exactly in my book wanted me to go to him, open up to him, about any insecurity I had.

I have today been remembering this incident and I don't know if it is because I know it was one of those things that made me withdraw from him, if that is why I keep seeing his female colleague look at me with that expression of hers, or if it maybe could be that something was, is going on between them or will be in the future and that is why I get it now? It is on replay.

I have no idea if they still work together or not. (I bet if I had asked him about that or would tell him he had to quit his job or something he would just have laughed in my face and called me ridiculous).

He would tell me at one point that he saw where all this was leading to (the way I talked) and that if someone would have been into him which he did not think that they would have been, but even so if someone had they knew he was taken for (married) and he wouldn't do anything because he had me. "They know you're my girl". Oh really.

I keep seeing her. That victory expression. Like she was happy I stood there, humiliated, not understanding what was happening, and she kept getting all his attention. Like she just continued to talk to him just for the hell or fun of it. He must have seen me standing there, everyone did. You could not have missed me. She saw me. Other people saw me standing there. It was all empty floor, before filled with people.

I remember when I had talked to him about this I would tell him that why could he not just have come over to me to tell me he did not feel like eating but still be with me on his break? (Why be with her without even letting me know?). All he said is that he had not meant for it to be that way but that he saw me as a grown woman who could take her own food and take care of herself.

I was so right. He had completely forgotten about me. Had he only asked because he had felt obliged too? Because the others asked theirs? What was going on?

Could he not see how his behavior was in the opposite of everyone else (that is except for hers)?

I would think too if he stayed on to continue to talk to her, almost in private (which too seemed out of the picture) to be supportive of her if he thought she was nervous or something, but the look she gave to me and all her security she send off did not indicate to me that she was someone who needed support, encouragement in any way. If he had thought that and was willing to jump over his dinner, and time with me, to even look me up (even if I was right there!), why then could he not see how I felt? Or I did not matter?

Afterwards he would apologize, but to be honest I don't think he got it.

And could just as easily have done that or something similar again.

When he had his next big thing and asked if I could come I said no, thank you. I have seen enough.
Turns out he was there that day without any family member or friends attending. Or wife. He never said anything about it. He had said before that if I did not come he was not going to ask anyone else. I said I did not care, and I did not. He could invite who ever he wanted. Hope how ever he would have treated them better than he did me.

Anyways yesterday and today I keep seeing her face, her victory, expression of hers and his too looking down or at her, not at me. I just felt like everything became so slow and I couldn't move. I was waiting for him. But he never came. (I'm sorry if I sound like an over sensitive person.). He must have known I stood there. He just didn't care. She would not let him go either, just kept on poking on his attention and talking to him almost in an intimate way. Like she wanted to send me a message and was then happy I received it.

To my knowing I had never even met her before.

One time after this I unfortunately had to show up as his work but did not come far. He came half running down some corridor with a smile on his face. I got the keys I needed and left as soon as I could. Can't say I saw her. Like always, how he had asked to have it before around other people, I showed him no physical tenderness what so ever. We could just as easily have just been co parenting people, divorced long time ago.

When he would visit before my work I would introduce him and be sure he did not feel left out. I would do that, that is, before he was to have his "rendezvous" with his female colleague right in front of me.

When I would afterwards change work place, he would find a reason to suddenly call me on the phone to tell me he was outside, and I could tell later he wanted to be introduced and shown around. I didn't. He came half way in, when I told him I needed to work and he got the message and left.

I don't understand why he thought he had so many rights, and was always treated right by me, while he thought I had none, what so ever.

Before in the past, before his precious moment with his colleague, at one work I had he just showed up with a bouquet of flowers and yet another time had flowers send to me. So he went from treating me like that to the nobody waiting for him in vain to then be told that I should stop acting like a little girl and could get my own food. So double hurt then.

The more, if I had talked to him (to the length that I have written all this above) I would just come off as more and more overly sensitive and more and more like a little girl, that he accused me of having been like.