Help me find some peace so I can help others

[11Tractors]

This got too long. I am sorry.

I have been through a lot but somehow I am getting better for the first time in my life. I am thinking about studying and working in a church. I am not Christian but I have a lot of respect of people who are reaching out. I would mainly take care of the church, the graveyards and prepare everything for the services. I would also be in situations where people have just lost somebody or are in some very life changing situations. Most of the people in my country belong to this church because it's cultural and a tradition.

People tend to open up to me and I always listen. I am starting to think that my job here is to listen. I want to help people and I find it "easy" to help people I don't even know with their hardships. People tell me all the time that I am easy to talk to. Usually people tend to have solutions already but they just discarded them. I like to help them to remember what they know deep down. And if they just need me to listen it's too very ok. Often I don't need to say a word. People are surprisingly wise. These people just tend to find me anywhere. I will talk to anybody or listen to anybody who is not threatening me physically at the moment.

I want my job to be like that. Helping people. I want them to come to me because they want to and feel that they are welcome. They don't have to but I am lstening when they need an ear. But I need to be ok too.

I am currently struggling with my own trauma and alcoholism. I am getting better but I keep repressing the spiritual side. I have closed that door because something bad got to me at one point. Now nothing gets through. It's silent. I think it's not meant to be like this. I have been happiest (and sober) when I could feel and see things and live in a balance with that. Now my fears tend to get in my way. Something seems to be knocking the door once in awhile but my fear of the dark gets in my way. It's like around me is safe but everything is black and white.

I had to have my heart checked last week for surgery that will happen soon. I had to lie still and relax all the muscles. I couldn't. I couldn't take a deep breath. Then I had a vision that made me very calm. It came behind the door. I know that because I asked for help from there. I surrendered and my pulse was suddenly calm and steady. I know that the door will stay closed until I willingly give my permission to open it. I am torn. These things shouldn't exist. I am an adult and a man and I should believe no nonsense. As soon as I give my permission stuff will happen. I can deal with it but I can't deal with myself. I am not so afraid of the spiritual world that might be there. I am afraid of myself. I think I have helped some dead people pass over. They found me just like the living do. If there is a slight chance it's real I want to help there too.

I want to get better. The world is so full of bad stuff that I want to be there making it better. Even a little. Every moment counts. Somebody needs to clean up this sh*t.

A person who helped me with my career plans told me that she had hard time in her work because she can't help everybody. She was worried that it could affect me if I pursue my plans. I thought about it and it's partially true. I think I can actually never help. People help themselves if they can. Others are tools. Sometimes I am not a right tool and it's ok. I usually know a lot of options because I have been through a lot myself.

So. This stuff is a part of me. I am afraid of myself. I have build a wall to keep everything out but most of the scary things are still inside. In me.