Completely alone in life, not coping well

[Louisa]

Need some advice. Long story, hope you'll bear with me.

My husband is about to divorce me, it appears.

I am torn over what to do. I wrote about this situation in another post a little while ago, but now things are really apparently coming to a head. It has been unpredictable - first he'd plan on working things out and staying together, and I'd think maybe we could, and then he'd threaten ultimatums and now that's where I'm at. He's trying to control something he has no right to control (it's a personal matter - don't want to go into details)

Anyway, so now I have literally only one single friend - who is more like an acquaintance and is very negative. Other than that I have no one who I can depend on. My family is emotionally abusive and controlling. They may help me out by givin gme a place to live and watching my child, but the price I will pay for being around them is deep. They are worse than my emotionally abusive husband.

I am bipolar (type 2), pretty sure, never diagnosed. Medication might work, but frankly, I don't want to mess around with it right now. I am afraid it might make me worse, and I can't handle that right now.

So I have a hard time being motivated and I get into these major funks.

I can't drive (I mean literally can not for the life of me drive - I am a danger on the road - I spent years trying to learn to drive, but now I am afraid I will never be able to - I think I may have dyscalculia, which can affect driving).

I am lonely and bored and spiritually depressed with life.

I spend much of my time just trying to escape my pain by looking at things online that give me some entertainment and a mild sense of meaning (like this forum, for example).

I hate housework, and my husband does a lot of that, plus he helps me watch my daughter for a couple of hours every night and he drives us to the park every day and we all walk together.

Having my daughter to care for all day gives me a meaning and joy in my life that I never had before, and before that I was really majorly depressed and on the path to self-destruction.

So, if I have to go back to work and am not able to spend my time bonding and caring for my daughter I am afraid I'm just going to be miserable. Plus having to work all day, come home, cook and clean and never get a break, having no friends,.. No time in nature to walk at the park (which is one of my main coping mechanisms as well that gives me a little pleasure in my life)..

In short, I have no clue what to do. If I go to live with my parents, I fear they're going to kick me out sooner or later, and living with them is going to make me miserable because they can be emotionally abusive.

If I live alone, I am afraid I will have no joy, no motivation, and just be miserable and unable to make it through the day.

By the way, I am very sensitive and upset by noise (highly sensitive person, maybe autism spectrum disorder), I am sensitive to electomagnetic fields (towers, power lines, etc.), I am sensitive to toxins - many kinds of housing make me sick - yet another problem I must try to deal with. Requiring a restricted diet and a certain kind of work environment or I'm just mentally foggy, forgetful, anxious, and ill.

I could try to give custody to my husband, but he is emotionally abusive too, and I hate to give my daughter to him.

I know there's not much positive to be seen in this situation, but does anyone have any ideas of what to do?

Btw, I didn't mean to get pregnant, and it was highly unlikely that I was going to, but my husband manipulated the birth control. I had planned to leave him right before he did that (he didn't know). Anyway, I was going to leave even though I knew I'd probably self-destruct on my own. Now, though I feel I still might self-destruct, but I have my daughter to worry about. And no, I didn't think I & my husband would be such bad parents. I even thought about giving her up for adoption, when she was younger, but my husband wouldn't agree.

I am losing my mind and I feel there is no way to save this situation, which is the only reason why I'm airing all my personal dramas here on this site. This place is one site where I feel there are some people who are very resourceful, insightful and positive, and won't necessarily just tell me "see a psychologist", "get on antidepressants", and might have a really helpful solution, so I just thought I would see if anyone had anything else to offer to help me find a silver lining in a very dark situation.

Louisa, dear, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You have my sympathies and support. I want to remind you that no one is perfect! If you were perfect, you wouldn't be human!

Therefore, you're not a bad parent! You can be whatever you want to be by changing your frame of mind. You love your daughter and you try your best to provide for her as best you can with the resources you have. How can that make you a bad parent? It doesn't! It makes you a loving and caring parent!

You're on the right track, my dear! By monitoring your diet, you can really change the way you feel. I've noticed a complete difference when I eat whole foods - fruits, veggies, fish, seaweed. Not to mention, when I combine a healthy diet with exercise, I feel like I can accomplish all of the goals I set out to do...and so can you!

Keep up the good work! Everyone is a work in progress! Each day we should strive to be better than we were yesterday! Try your best to not let any minor setbacks prevent you from reaching your goal.

Also, don't ever let anyone make you feel inadequate or incompetent, nor let anyone emotionally or mentally abuse you! Let their negative comments go in one ear and out the other and focus on the positives in your life, rather than dwell on the negatives.

Whether or not you and your husband decide to move forward with the divorce, you are not alone! The wonderful people of Spiritual Forums will always be here cheering you on!

Not to mention, the best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy than seeing someone actually having a good life.

I wish you all the best in your endeavors, dear! I believe in you!

[twinkle]

Hi Louisa,

Sometimes one's parents can treat grandchildren better than they treated their own children. Are your parents nicer to your grandchildren when they visit? If so, it might work out if you live with them to get back on your feet again.

I just read about about a condition called autophony, which one is so sensitive to noise that even noises inside the body can be heard. I do not know if it relates to you or not.

[astralsuzy]

I am sorry to hear you are in this situation. My heart goes out to you. You need to get help. If you think you have bipolar, I do not know what bipolar 2 is, you need to go to a doctor. If you have bipolar, you will probably be on medication. It is not your fault. It can happen to anyone. It happened to one of my best friends. She is on medication. If you do not take medication your life may get a lot worse. Think of your child. You want the best for your child. You do not want your daughter to grow up and look back and think she had a terrible childhood. That happened to someone I know. This is another person. Everything we do in life we take risks. Most times we have to take risks. You are afraid the medication will make you worse. Tell the doctor that. Perhaps the doctor will put you on a lower dosage to start with to see how you go. I am not a doctor. I do not really know. f the medication is not right, keep getting it changed until it gets right. Once it is right you will have a normal life.
My guess is ONLY A GUESS, your husband finds you are hard to live with and that is why he wants a divorce. It happened to my friend. I For your sake GET HELP.

Originally Posted by Louisa

My husband is about to divorce me, it appears.

Aw, I'm sorry to hear that.

Originally Posted by Louisa

I am bipolar (type 2), pretty sure, never diagnosed.

There is no way to be sure unless you actually get diagnosed. You may have something completely different, or nothing at all!

Originally Posted by Louisa

I can't drive (I mean literally can not for the life of me drive - I am a danger on the road - I spent years trying to learn to drive, but now I am afraid I will never be able to - I think I may have dyscalculia, which can affect driving).

Again, you won't know unless you actually speak with a doctor about it.

Originally Posted by Louisa

I hate housework, and my husband does a lot of that, plus he helps me watch my daughter for a couple of hours every night and he drives us to the park every day and we all walk together.

Chores are an enriching part of life. Taking part in the things that keep our life running smoothly can help you feel more a part of your life again, rather than trying to escape from it. Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water, and all that.

Originally Posted by Louisa

So, if I have to go back to work and am not able to spend my time bonding and caring for my daughter I am afraid I'm just going to be miserable.

Most people, especially mothers, have to work in life to keep food on the table and the bills paid. There is no other way. There is no better thing you can do for your children than to have steady income. It sets a good example and keeps kids out of some difficult situations like I had to face because my mother was rarely employed. My mom home all day was not as fun as seeing her at least part of the day and getting to eat!

Originally Posted by Louisa

Plus having to work all day, come home, cook and clean and never get a break, having no friends,.. No time in nature to walk at the park (which is one of my main coping mechanisms as well that gives me a little pleasure in my life)..

That's life sometimes, hun.

Originally Posted by Louisa

By the way, I am very sensitive and upset by noise (highly sensitive person, maybe autism spectrum disorder), I am sensitive to electomagnetic fields (towers, power lines, etc.), I am sensitive to toxins - many kinds of housing make me sick - yet another problem I must try to deal with.

These are all things you could talk with a doctor about. It sounds like you are thinking you have a lot of diseases, and this is not quite likely. Get diagnosed! Perhaps you have nothing and then you can be worry free! If you have something, you can get it treated and then learn to live peacefully with it.

Life is hard sometimes. We have to work hard in life to get the things we need and want out of it. That's just the way it is. Try to be strong.

[xxLoveLifexx]

Hello Louisa

I'm aware of 'down-phases' and depressions in life from own experience. They are though another avenue to explore and to show/highlight how YOU define things in your life to be. Speaking of the terms you use to describe your situation, your definitions of what is going on are quite limiting and depressing, its not surprising that you get a depressing effect out of them.

One layer before all the things you're talking about there is a lot of anger going on - you complicate things before you like to feel them directly. Let go of all the effort of trying to be a 'good' person and rather come from the knowing you.

The little 'diseases' you create are connected to the pressure you have put on yourself in splitting yourself. Let go, go deeper and investigate yourself deeply in honest self-assessment. If you may want assistance I'm willing to help a little bit over Skype - in case it doesn't feel too confrontational for you at this point.

[Emmalevine]

Hi Louisa

I am very sorry to hear of your situation. I've been through divorce with a child to care for and it was tough, although ultimately a release in the end.

I echo the others in that you're not a bad person, just troubled and trying to work your way out of difficulties like the rest of us!

If you're bipolar, it is very wise to see a doctor. I understand the fear of getting worse through medication, but difficult life events can trigger intense episodes and that in itself could cause significant worsening of your condition, so you really need to be monitored by a doctor at this time. At the very least talk it over with one.

I have a tough family background so I relate to your worries and concerns. Is there anywhere else you could live rather than go back there? If going back is your only choice it's possible to set boundaries for yourself although this is no quick fix and can involve a lot of self reflection.

I'm inclined to agree with what Lukas says above - it's easy to make things seem a lot worse by the perspective and thoughts applied to events. While difficult, this divorce could be the start of you reclaiming your own power in life, deciding what you want to do. You feel your options are very limited, but widening your perspective to trust in what is unfolding may well open up new possibilities. Could you make a list of options? Finding a job sounds awful to you right now, but it may provide you with a greater sense of purpose and even a property to rent/buy. Could your family help out with childcare? Are their benefits you could apply for?

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't work or do anything in particular, just attempting to open your perspective as that's where the real fruits can grow. I understand it's really painful right now, but what good could come of this situation once you've come to terms with the difficulties you face? Sometimes the hardest situations give way to the greatest personal growth.

[onetruebeliever]

[quote=Louisa]I am bipolar (type 2), pretty sure, never diagnosed. Medication might work, but frankly, I don't want to mess around with it right now. I am afraid it might make me worse, and I can't handle that right now.[quote=Louisa]

I am so very sorry that you are having such a hard time. I wish I could help. The only thing I can do is say that if you think you are BP2, then you must get diagnosed and on medication. No amount of therapy, diet, exercise, rest, or praying will work if you are not stabilized. Medication is the only thing that will truly work. My son is BP1. He has been stable and happy, for 11 1/2 years now. He takes lithium and lamictal as mood stabilizers. He will more than likely be on them the rest of his life. Compare it to diabetes. It is a chronic metabolic illness and those that need insulin must take it to maintain.

Manic-depressive disorder is a chemical imbalance in your brain. You were born with it. Being female, your monthly hormones make your symptoms worse when you are cycling. Not all meds work for everyone - based on your symptoms and severity, your doc will prescribe what he thinks will work best for you. It is trial and error at first. You must give any med time to work before switching. Most psych meds take 6-8 weeks to reach a theraputic level. Side effects generally subside after 1 - 2 weeks or so. Most docs start low and slow until the correct dosage is reached. Constantly switching meds is what makes you worse. Anti depressants are a big cause of worsening for BP's. Most cannot take anti-depressants at all, some only after they are stable. Please give it a try. You could feel so much better.


..

[Louisa]

Thank you everyone for all your wonderful posts.

I am having a hard time right now, with this and now I just found out that my grandfather passed away. I will probably take a while to reply, just wanted to let you know.

First, my sincere condolences... loss of family is hard especially when you are in a precarious situation, make sure to take care of yourself the best you are able, if at all possible.

In response to your OP I decided to break it down in sections, for clarities sake. It'll be here when you return... *smile*

Originally Posted by Louisa

I am bipolar (type 2), pretty sure, never diagnosed. Medication might work, but frankly, I don't want to mess around with it right now. I am afraid it might make me worse, and I can't handle that right now. -- I spent years trying to learn to drive, but now I am afraid I will never be able to - I think I may have dyscalculia, which can affect driving). -- By the way, I am very sensitive and upset by noise (highly sensitive person, maybe autism spectrum disorder), I am sensitive to electomagnetic fields (towers, power lines, etc.), I am sensitive to toxins -many kinds of housing make me sick - yet another problem I must try to deal with. Requiring a restricted diet and a certain kind of work environment or I'm just mentally foggy, forgetful, anxious, and ill.

Bi-polar Type 2 can be extremely difficult due to the periods of depression it entails, which tend to be worse and longer than in Type 1. But, there is the absence of full manic episodes and instead you have hypomanic episodes, which can "feel good" sometimes but can have long-term consequences due to choices that may be made during a hypomanic. I understand the reluctance to take medication right now as getting the levels "just right" for a therapeutic effect can require several months of adjustment. I will say in medications favor that there have been some promising improvements - lithium is no longer the gold standard and there are other options. Anti-depressants today are never, (or shouldn't be, depending on how up on current literature a doctor is) prescribed to people with BP 2 as they only address depression, not hypomania. In any diagnoses of BP 2 it is very important to look back over the life time and try to identify times when you have experienced a hypomanic or a depression that was unrelated to events in your life. If you go to a doctor, they should ask about this...

Also - thyroid conditions can "mimic" the behavioral symptoms of BP so a blood test is a good idea to rule that out as it might be a very physical very treatable thyroid condition that effects your moods. Unfortunately, there is no "hard data" able to link BP with neurological processes - so they can't test you for it, just talk to you about it and assess your symptoms to see if they meet the criteria. But, they can rule out other causes, which is why, if you have the ability to, it might be wise to consult a physician & a psychologist - that and due to the other conditions you suspect you might have. At the very worst they confirm your worst imaginings & at the very best they are able to pinpoint another cause that is easily treatable.

That said, I have been diagnosed with BP 2 and since I declined medication (partially due to no insurance so I can not afford anything other than lithium and partially due to a lifestyle choice) my doctor has worked with me on alternative forms of treatment which include regular exercise, I can't stress it enough - it is amazing the difference in my mood stability compared to when I didn't exercise and when I do. (I haven't been able to for the past two months and I have definitely felt the difference.) I run 3 times a week for 3-6 miles - if possible I trail run so I can get some nature time & some exercise time simultaneously - it takes about 3 hours of my week. Diet! It sounds like you have diet restrictions so I do not know what you are able to or not able to eat - if you are not a vegetarian my doctor swears by eating salmon twice a week (she even wrote it on a prescription pad, bless her heart) - the Omega-3 oils have been shown to have a good effect with BP 2, if you do not eat fish or can't... try finding supplements rich in Omega-3. Generally, a diet rich with fresh fruits, vegetables, whole grains, Omega-3's is a good idea - for anyone - for as I learned in my neuroscience courses we literally are what we eat and as we get older that becomes more evident as our body is less able to compensate. Diet affects mood. Time in nature is also recommended for those so inclined and it sounds like you are. And sleep cycles are also important, getting just enough and not too much is essential. And of course there are the additional habits that could help; seeing a counselor on a regular basis, meditation, yoga, making sure to get Vitamin D time in the sun, stretching, journaling (which I know you do.. *smile*) - oh and I almost forgot - self-tracking! Tracking your moods, diet, exercise, sleep, supplements, any alcohol/caffeine/sugar/etc. use, stress (internal & external).. for starters. I started an Excel spreadsheet for mine.

Start with the simple solutions first and work your way out from there - Occam's Razor is useful for more than just economics.

I addressed the medical first as being able to make the changes you are looking in to requires being able to think clearly, being able to respond to your emotions in a balanced way, and knowing your body is being treated with care - it's all connected... I'd work on this first if you are at all able, or if you decide to. It is your choice on how to treat your self and you know better than anyone what works or does not work for you. Even your doctor - and remember you have that choice in the doctor's office, as long as you present your self as a rational person who has thoroughly looked at all of your options most doctors will work with you on this as they understand the difficulties in finding the right medication & actually having it work and as you said.. not make you worse. It's different for each person and what works for someone else may not work for you, and vice versa.

Originally Posted by Louisa

My husband is about to divorce me, it appears. -- It has been unpredictable -first he'd plan on working things out and staying together, and I'd think maybe we could, and then he'd threaten ultimatums and now that's where I'm at. -- Btw, I didn't mean to get pregnant, and it was highly unlikely that I was going to, but my husband manipulated the birth control. I had planned to leave him right before he did that (he didn't know).

I've already mentioned, in private, the one point of this I think is very pertinent to look at and address when assessing your options. I'd like to mention something else as well - many of the concerns you have expressed about your own capability to be independent - may not be as much of a concern once you remove yourself from the stress of living with someone who treats you this way on a daily basis. It takes a lot of strength to live with someone who is unpredictable and who is controlling - it takes a lot of work and does effect your body & mind. So, my point is.. a hopeful one.. that some of the symptoms you are experiencing may be lessened once you are no longer coping with someone in your home who is unpredictable... keeping on your toes to respond to that has to be a balancing act and it shows that you have more strength than you may think you do, right now.

Also, if you do not mind me saying, you seem unhappy in the relationship from what you have expressed here, so in the long run this could be a opportunity disguised as "drama", as again, some of your inner symptoms and your general outlook might change once you can see it from a different perspective. Take care of themselves as it were... but its a process, and different for everyone, like anything is..

Originally Posted by Louisa

Having my daughter to care for all day gives me a meaning and joy in my life that I never had before. -- Now, though I feel I still might self-destruct, but I have my daughter to worry about. -- If I go to live with my parents, I fear they're going to kick me out sooner or later, and living with them is going to make me miserable because they can be emotionally abusive. -- If I live alone, I am afraid I will have no joy, no motivation, and just be miserable and unable to make it through the day. -- If I have to go back to work and am not able to spend my time bonding and caring for my daughter I am afraid I'm just going to be miserable. Plus having to work all day, come home, cook and clean and never get a break, having no friends,.. No time in nature to walk at the park.

Situations like this are overwhelming - I find sometimes its best to break it in to little bits in order to get through it, baby steps.

First, it sounds like your daughter is the one area of your life you feel "meaning and joy" in, so what ever is best for you, is also best for her. Making changes now may enable you to present a healthier example for her and help you in being the mother you know you are - the perfect mother for her.

Second, if you did have to live with your parents for a while - do they treat your daughter like they do/did you? As someone else mentioned, even abusive parents can treat their grandchildren completely differently. Could you find a way to cope with it for a period of time while you work on making other arrangements - will it be as stressful as living with your husband has been? Are there ways you can plan to cope with that stress, coping strategies?

Third, have you lived alone? Would it be any worse than what you have endured living with your parents as a child or with your husband as an adult? Living alone can be well, lonely at times, but it also enables you to be the only one in control of your environment, the only one who gets to make choices that effect that environment, and can help you get to know yourself in a way that is difficult when living with others. Maybe a pros & cons list is in order? Also, you never know what odd people you may meet who fit your own type of personality once your "out there". You might find that isn't as lonely as you think and that you'll have more opportunities to meet people who can become your friends.. and social support.

Finally - work. I do not know what skills you possess but I immediately thought of some sort of work at home type of job might be good for you. I'm in many ways kicking myself for not taking the medical terminology certificate offered at my community college as it's a well paid job and often can be a telecommuting position. There are also online courses for that sort of certificate. Finding something part-time might help as well, to start to see how you can creatively manage your schedule so you are able to spend time with your daughter, care for your self, and keep afloat at the same time. Depending on how the divorce is handled you may also be able to expect at least some child support from your husband or alimony if you have stayed at home in order to help him and your daughter. I am not sure exactly how all of that works but there are lawyers who do and often give free "divorce" consultations. Also, finally (long winded soul that I am...) again, you may find once you change your environment this might not look as bleak.. as you gain the energy back that you have been expending just to survive it might become easier to find ways to manage work & motherhood. I'm not a mother, so I can't speak from that perception, but I have very good friends who are single mothers and while it is challenging they have managed to pull through.

So to wrap this up - a friend of mine who holds a similar outlook to yours, or at least to the outlook you have shared on these boards, once wrote "eliminating options is not an occupation" as she was also pondering some life changes. I find it a useful reminder when I fall in to that mind set as well, when change comes upon a person all of a sudden like its natural to fall in to a self-defeated mind set - but its not useful for actually coming through those changes. Finding options can be a challenging and creative endeavor and it sounds to me like you and your daughter are worth it.

Again.. my condolences Louisa on your grandfather's passing and my empathy & understanding for the pressure you are experiencing right now. One step at a time is the way to complete any transition, just one step. Then the next. Then the next can get you to where ever you decide to go. *smile*