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Old 12-01-2022, 07:37 PM
asearcher asearcher is offline
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 1,449
Vanity Collision

i'm afraid my kids dad's family's attitude about weight is dominating and is not a good subject around children, my around a sensitive age too. in the past i used to have fights with the kids dad as he was controlling me, was right there what he thought i should weight or not, type of clothes, hair, that he had to approve what kind of bathing suit or bikini i was to wear to not reveal too much as if i could not make those decisions myself, which i find insulting. i never told him anything in return, i let him be.

as i have gained some weight still not overweight his family has commented. i am suppose to be a role model as a mom, and this has gotten to me. the kids dad is vain because of how he was raised I think. He would claim during our split up that he had changed his mind that he did love me now (my weight) just as I am and had apologized like crazy for making the remarks he had done before. He made me before insecure and he had no good reason to do that, but that is a rule from his first family.

I have not been left alone by first family's comments on my weight, he has replied back to lay it off, but i know too as the weight and looks are such dominating subjects within this family that it won't change. I have not come up with any more clever replies besides saying yes I have gained weight and I feel good. Is there any clever remarks one can make? It does not effect me as I am happy the way I am but I do believe in exercise and eating healthy, but I do not put so much efforts on looks as he has been raised like. I don't want any kid to get any stupid ideas and the way it is represented by his first family is misguiding. Like no one cares kids get to hear this and how it can effect them and how they look at their bodies already and at other bodies. I just don't like this at all.

Before I met and fell in love with him, I dated another guy that was too was looked at as really "hot", but he bored me as he was too superficial and acted as if he thought himself as superior, and that he thought of me too as superior. My looks I've been told had changed for the better (even if I had not done anything for that to happen) and I have heard comments before (not from the hot guy, someone else) when seeing pics of me before saying that had I stayed looking like that he wouldn't have been interested. I could not see what was wrong with the "old" me, and told him that this is me, that has always been me, that is me right now too. What's your problem? How do you relate to people, really? How do you relate to me?

If it gets too much for me to listen to all that look-talks and weight-talks, I can't stand the idea of it going into innocent children's ears as it does, and they are totally oblivious to it (the grown ups). What can one do? Are there any good lines to use? I've been underweight too in my life and was then always told to eat more and then too I got bored hearing about it. I'm just afraid it will all have a negative effect on the kids. I am not at all used to looks and weight being talked about like that from my own first family. I need some good lines to fight this! :)
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Old 12-01-2022, 08:33 PM
lostsoul13 lostsoul13 is offline
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It’s great he takes it all back and accept you for who you are (now) - I suppose it’s a little to late.. but weight has been a issue for me too—- muscular appearance hasn’t always been what I looked like—- I had avartas that I was in wrong gender(sandwich theory) I was behind it - so to explain and speak of how it really was- I was unhappy because the pseudo pain was the hardest- I got into a accident with fire and entered reincarnation- but was burned—- I know what a woman feels like and everything including being skinny to putting on weight- I’ve done it—- while as divine being we might say we have no gender and your flame & soulmates will accept and love you for who you are—- I found a couple of relationships while I was in carly—-

I couldn’t believe my luck when the avarta came through that it was really her!! I penned us up as best buddies- me a guy- dark and brooding with carly- the quirky one with the group of children that were also Carly’s- I mean you couldn’t get the name carly —- without the image carly- and here one of the images were-after 20 of them manifesting little Carly’s—- I was also in the sandwich theory with them.. I couldn’t believe carly was here—- all of them and their images and I was their father of law: carly ( the big ish one- had rhino teeth (a tooth that was lodged in front and her nickname was lil—- the fire was horrendous… scars right down to the top of her feet—- part of her image could reincarnate into the carly on my avarta picture—- so you get a sense of the carly I’m talking about—- the one in my avarta picture can have the tooth too or vampire ones(if all goes correctly- it was her canine that was lodged) I was stuck for about 15 years- and being a male it was rather uncomfortable being that close like it was my flesh- I had to pretend- my image is part of Carly’s some where- but I’m their atom of choice- their male—- our clan… I dealt with the weight thing , skinny - couple pounds on ( she wasn’t prone to lots of weight gain but could get a little chubby) muscular also—- I did some body building with her and she did really well she was doing 30k just after a couple of months —- I’m a muscular guy who’s quite tatty and rugged; long shoulder hair - pulled back(short in summers, ponytail in winters- or give or so 5 months… I’m also prone to a dark avarta with Afro/curly /fizzy hair corse … shaved —- I’ haven’t tried a ponytail in the darker mixed race guy—-

but I fluctuate towards being black(dark) and being white(broodingly dark) after the accident all white guys are dark in their skin after burns you really start to feel comfortable in your own skin but for years I battled with my broodyness’ of being dark (there wasn’t a fully symmetrical guy that took my fancy- that was however good looking—- what made good looking for me was symmetry…but something lower of fuller symmetry kept getting in the way of me manifesting and drawing this perfect avarta—- my true body won’t/ can’t manifest to the point ( I CANT GET UP-I CANT GET INTO A AVARTA) that’s how bad things are with me- I’m constantly like this spiritual guy that’s getting caught up in the hustle and bustle of life in sandwich theory’s and can’t get into his own avarta- because the account just can’t/won’t manifest it- so what felt like punishment placed me in carly—- I mean she’s great and we are best friends (where I dark male can be a white female- like someone as well know as carly- friend.. best friends even- even the little Carly’s with a dark male- or the heir to their white male symmetry—-so I’ve got a pinch of carly in me—- great!!! It can show up in a photon—- it took me YEARS to get into a male avarta—- I wasn’t worried about dating(doing the right thing by her image was important because she manifested but she was the only one that hadn’t made it - the runt of the litte: so to speak… but I know after 20 manifested and were active she has to be out there some where- just not yet- or this was a fragment of her image- a shard… like I’m missing someone here???

So weight, gender was a issue—- spiritual importance on the image was important- always doing the right thing—— I had a nightmare, I know they say truly you never know how /what your flame is going to manifest- but my flame and me take a lead out of Carly’s book- so to speak- well I’ve been her now- all the way up to my avarta picture—-manifested 15-20 years and plenty of changes.. I felt like I was lying most of the time- portraying a avarta- how could the account… how did these things happen… but reincarnation happened and I was free to enter my male—- I put it down to something lodged when the others were manifesting… they are in suspended animation at the moment and when I enter time—- can’t enter in from all the entanglement—- I mean it’s going to happen—- at least in the next 200 years - or either that I’ll incarnate… through suspended animation—- it’s been a painful lesson—- and I really hope I haven’t losses one - because she didn’t move.. I was in pseudo for most of it- could feel pain like it was my own body—- again why do these things happen—- which makes me question half of the symmetry that’s here because I know full well Carly’s male heirs—- I know im projecting because I am carly—-just the male version—- I see their symmetry in others constantly—- but it wouldn’t become anything- it’s painless for the image because they arnt observing—- someone else is observing—- just like me I was observing—- so felt all the pain—-

It’s made me super masculine—- manly man, grumpy and aloof, temperamental and vanity is my only obsession—- I’m so narcissistic after the narcissism of reincarnation—- that all I care about are looks, appearance and sophistication—- being rich is just a balance- but appearance is more than a balance—- so I’m the wrong person to talk too but I can relate—-being in these circumstances and situations has given me a new outlook on having your own image/ and avarta—- when some times I feel like I don’t have a IMAGE!!! I just make it up—- but how do you create someone good looking than they are real? They are awake? They are responding? They are feeling? They are human? Plenty of mistakes but gives me a rush to think I made it out alive in to a male—- some would say that the shard was me as a female self even if I felt male—- or must be something in it because manifested on the account—- I know in my heart what it is- and my friends I made would have a rude awakening when I reincarnated as a male and was technically lying to them about who I was- by the mistake of the younger Carly’s- coming and going- like other people have witnessed this- and when reincarnation happens- do you go up to them when you pass them? LeVe it for them to work out? These are potentially soulmates also that are kindred —- yes I have soulmates that are JUST FRIENDS—- and they might think I went through stages of wearing boys clothes- mostly I wore girls—- but towards the end I wore only boys… carly was kicking it—- SWAG every where!!!

I felt like I missed my swag… and shopping was funny because I knew the tendency I was in- it makes you thankful for what you got — and afraid of the pain- that pseudo could be so harsh! It wasn’t fun reincarnating—- everything was wrong about it… but I had the perseverance and stamina…just.. I made it through horribly… fire was devastating… I’ve wrote more about it in (your space/MySpace on the sub section on this forum) and pictures… I just can’t wait until I’m a teleporter or jumper… it’s teasing me—- I mean something has to happen in next 200 years or while we keep reincarnating and living again.. I’ve got images ready for when I reincarnate so the account knows this time of particular male avarta where as before when I was changing and transitioning through body’s - I didn’t have a male image in mind I was always like a ghost figure… or just a point - a observer… brooding .. so vanity’s is important from where I’ve come from- it’s all I cling to because life experiences…
Vampire speed..

Arabic first language (English)- bear with me and please be patient)
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Old 13-01-2022, 04:44 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Last edited by asearcher : 13-01-2022 at 07:21 PM.
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Old 13-01-2022, 03:10 PM
lostsoul13 lostsoul13 is offline
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Natural beauty is more profound and preferred—- even if that meant a little weight…

seems you can’t be told what too do- taking your own initiative and collect data regarding education on the nutrition-

it’s especially important that one looks after them self- pre work out and work out meal and preps are important part of gaining muscle and keeping fit and balance healthy—-

If your pregnancy has giving you some lessons about eating- being able to produce milk—- you need to look after your self at these times- diet and exercise go hand in hand- at least that’s what the results have been given over & over again..

comments can be hard and judgmental upon us.

vanity is important in looking after your self- it just means it’s an obsession—- not saying one is more available in finding balance - just means they take extra in their looks, appearance and have a bit of a obsession with the way they look- you can be not so good looking and be vain…it doesn’t matter how or which way it swings:

being in reincarnation has made me vain because I have pride or need pride in my appearance—- I worked so hard to get there- not like being at my atom self- everything is immortal there..can’t feel pain or bring pain to its essence- it’s just when you reincarnate into avarta, pseudo pain starts: so life teaches us to be vain or reincarnation is also vain or with vanity..

Reincarnation hold a lot of the troubles that we subconsciously imprint—- narcissism, vanity, aloofness, self centred, the list goes on- it’s life teaching the child , they are alone and this is all you have while being alone- everything is different and if done properly we wouldn’t see the light of certain things like direction or time- as each thing is governed by a unique set of rules: one rule doesn’t mean it’s a rule for another- if the shoe fits—- we are all unique even if it makes sense- sometimes the things that don’t make sense are the way forward- because we are all different & imprint different…
Vampire speed..

Arabic first language (English)- bear with me and please be patient)
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Old 13-01-2022, 08:23 PM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Hi LostSoul13!

I have to apologize, I wrote to you first a reply and then I edited it and I wrote I think my worst so far - like a book or something - I did not think I had written all that...I can see you replied at the first stuff I wrote.

Thank you, you really think that? About "natural beauty"? I've never heard that before. I did not know why he chose such terms. good to hear it from a guy's perspective, though, thanks.

It was just my face, and not my body and so I thought here we were talking about weight and he shows that photo of me as if to say I love you like you are - and turns out it is just a photo of my face, LOL. Like where's the rest? Not proud of that? I guess he was trying to prove that he does find me attractive. And that too backfired.

Thank you again, yes I did find it interesting to learn about nutrition, back then, sometimes I regret not working with it as of today. Who knows, maybe one day I will?

About the pregnancy - again, thank you. I have never heard other people tell others to go on diets during pregnancy. I was made fun of a lot during my pregnancy, I was ready for some of it, but not once did anyone say anything nice. I would ask a nurse if everything was as it should be, normal, and it was. I was very particular about getting nutritious food in me during pregnancy, but even so it was all sorts of comments on how big I was, as if you can help that, you can't help that, it looks how it looks. I've always told any pregnant woman that she is beautiful and how wonderful about the pregnancy. I would never think of telling someone pregnant something negative. All one hopes for is that everything will be alright with both the mother to be and the baby.

I have thought some more about how you describe vanity. I think it is somewhat different to how i view the word. the way you describe it I don't see it as something bad, actually, LOL, but the way I see it, from my experiences is when the person who has vanity thinks it is superior to others and then too put others down, mock others. That I don't like.

Like this hot stud I was dating just briefly some time before I met my luv. The vanity in him was most likely combined with few comments he made. So it was all of that, and how I could tell even if I thought we would sit somewhat in private, how private it can now get at a public restaurant, that he was getting plenty of attention, looks, no matter what. Most likely he must have been that good looking all his life. And from what I have been told - I haven't, but we did not talk about looks in that way, not of ourselves, not of others, from my own first family, they were more into books and education and discussions...we did not have that way of talking, none of us. Not that we didn't care or completely let ourselves go, but I just was not aware that people and their value would be in category of 2 either good looking (meaning then you have status) and not good looking (less status).

My mom used to one time joke with me and say if she had my looks she would be going like this - and then walked pretending she was some super model . I guess she thought I was pretty then but that I did not get that I was?? Mothers... I think that was the one and only time that a family member commented looks, or my looks. We just did not, do not talk like that.

To be frank it is so tiredsome to be part of a family, even through in laws, where such superficial things gets to be so important.

I do understand more now, and am less mad at my luv, that his looks - it was one of the few things that his parent said was good about him. too they have this way of quickly "correcting" each other, so if someone just happen to wear something they don't think is right - they're right there to comment, "correct", that's why he has thought it was his business to "inspect" my clothes, which was a big hell-no-you-ain't coming from me. I like my own fashion and don't like it when someone tries to tell me what to wear or not, unless I have asked for advice. But I think he saw it as if I dressed the way he liked me too that then I loved him more????? I don't know, it's weird to me. Its like he got calm the few times he got to decide what I was to wear. he would remember dresses too, if I happen to have a dress on me for New Years Eve he would recall exactly when, what year. I had forgotten about that long ago. He would ask do you still have that dress? I would go what dress? How do I know?

When he made his stupid comment on my weight, that hurt, was when I had been in a hurry and brought an old bikini and jumped in that, without noticing maybe that it these days showed off more skin than before, because of the weight gain, and he didn't like that. He still did not need to be rude about it. It wasn't so bad, it still fit, but again he was, strict about not too much cleavage and what else to not show, but I'm not stupid, I have my own eyes to see, I don't need his. I know what is appropriate or not, I don't need him to correct me 24/7.

I don't know why he has always been so strict too, so sudden, he wants to inspect what ever I will have on, before let's say we are to go somewhere. Doesn't want too much cleavage but I am shy anyways so there is never much of a show going on with that department anyhow, so I don't get why he has to be that way. I don't go around inspecting him before we go out or go somewhere to see if everything is in place. It is as if he does not think I can see it for myself, and I can. He has too made me feel sort of ashamed too even if I shouldn't feel that way, just by his attitude, face expression, his eyes, I can't explain that feeling, as if I have done something wrong, only I haven't, in how I dress.

So I think both the vanity and the need for control, correcting, things having to be (in my eyes) overly perfect (like the home, household) are things he grew up with, that got to be part of him, just as mine got to be part of me, and so when it comes to those things it is like two opposites meet, or collide.

I totally agree with you - nutrition and trying to keep the body healthy by too working out - that ought to be the way to go to stay healthy hopefully. But it is so strange, it is as if they completely jump over the nutrition part, they just go for the work out part, and how they look on the outside, not the inside. I actually use to eat more healthy before we got serious and then I over time sort of fell over to his side of what to eat and as I know it wasn't so healthy I then went more back to what I eat before.

He could have done all of this into something positive instead of picking on me but each time he is on one of his crazy diets he gets to be in a bad mood and then start to look at me with those critical eyes, it's no fun, as if he thinks too he is superior just because he lost some weight, I guess it comes out of frustration - he wanted me to look a particular way and I didn't. I never had any of those thoughts regarding him. If and when he went on a diet it was because he thought so, not me.
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Old 13-01-2022, 08:53 PM
lostsoul13 lostsoul13 is offline
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I understand that vanity has some issues-

we might have our words and meaning mixed up-

where as I don’t feel like putting people down or subjective them to the notions:
I just feel it as something that’s close to the self-

I wouldn’t want others to get in the way of my vanity or narcissistic behaviour- it’s an indulgence: my ego feels superior (I don’t have time for others- other than holding the door, giving my seat- it’s in a world of it’s own… I can’t understand people that are with narcissism and vanity that put others down or have behaviour that includes others because it’s just the way you are—- being alone makes you self centred,aloof and gives your relationships some saviour dynamics or other dynamics that are harmful/

I know who my twin flame is so that behaviour got curbed… I didn’t project onto other people because my world was so wonderful/is so wonderful… apart from pain… it’s the only thing that’s as supreme as the self… even then I’ll over come it with time or just the moments after it’s subjectected -

my view is life has the true vanity and narcissism… it’s just a tough life and having people bring you down

…we’ll just put it like this, I’m better of alone & independent… that behaviours dependability ; on projecting on to others is a no go for me… I don’t understand what attracts those type of people but they have a lot of work too do…
Vampire speed..

Arabic first language (English)- bear with me and please be patient)
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Old 14-01-2022, 04:32 PM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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I understand now what you mean, what the words mean to you with the terms you use, thank you for explaining =)

Yes that was the impression too I have had of you, and not that you are in my book, my meaning of the words. You've always come across as so kind.

Maybe you shouldn't leave everyone out, you know, maybe one day...:) but I too can say I have enjoyed being alone, being single, so it is not that I had to have somebody and would accept just about anything (demeaning behavior) just so I wouldn't be single.

Relationships can be very hard too so I understand if people avoid it or try to sort off cut it off in pieces.

I have felt I am one with myself when I am single and in harmony and see things clearly. I invest a lot, too much sometimes, when I have been in relationships, emotionally. Relationships can be heaven and hell.

Somehow I had this notion that it would be easy as I am used to having stable relationships, with my old childhood friends and just relationships that works, that don't make me feel bad and I don't make them feel bad either, we support each other through thick and thin. I can of course still get in disagreement with other people in my life but it does no harm to the relationships. I did not think I would have such a problematic love life.

If this was the plan I must have been wasted in heaven while trying to do my life plan and mixing up the cards, LOL.

I swear I have never read Cinderella to my daughter. I think I read my book Cinderella about a 100 times if not more (I can still recall the pictures in it) and dream that one day...I think some become bridezillas just because of that cinderella book, LOL. What matters is what is in the heart, if you are connected, not if you got a ring or are married on paper, sorry if I sound cynical, I'm from a split family myself and I remember I just wanted that dream to come true, to leave those troubles behind, to not go through yet another split.

I realized when the psychopath-boyfriend/Fiance asked for a split just how vulnerable I was. I had my stuff over at our place, and he refused to have me collect them even if it would just take - if I really hurried up and just took the most urgent stuff just a few minutes. He kept stalling it. I was too afraid of him, and to have his image bruised (how he wanted to appear to other people) so I did not even dare to ask a friend to borrow me some clothes in the meanwhile, as that would make him look bad and I did not want him angry. Yes, I was whipped. Big time. Just brain washed. But I knew I wanted out - I knew that more than anything, so it was not as if I tried to make him change his mind.

All that time, when I was wearing my moms' clothes, thankfully she took me in, all those mornings - I wonder if he ever gave me a moment's thought, while he opened his wardrobes and could pick and choice what he wanted to wear, knowing I had only the clothes on me that I had left with. I didn't even have a key, he had taken it from me, he had surprised me and still when I left i don't think I knew what had happened. But he had of course planned this, as always.

It is one thing I think, the way it has been with my luv, that he can have a quick temper, but one thing -and that is that he does not plan his temper, or his cruelty and the way he behaved during, after our split - he was so sad - and talking to a child that if this was going down, if mummy and he split to please don't blame mummy, that it was his fault. I never asked him to talk already or to say it was his fault, we had created this mess together. I know he did have some sort of protective instinct in him when it came to me as he would leave the car in a temper, parked, when we fought, never ask me to leave, too at home - he would be the one to leave, did not want me out wandering in the dark maybe.

He has told me how he has wished that I would have just told him the first time his parent said stupid things to put me down alone in a room or when passing by, when he had not noticed, but there were things being said right in front of him - and still he did not respond. It was difficult for me too to pretend everything was OK when I never knew when the next time would be or what would happen. I felt unsafe with his parent, and unsafe with my luv, and I didn't know what to do. He still says he take on all the blame for this but that he too believes that we are talking about a very long time that this has been going on behind his back, and that he could not figure out why I was tense when we were around that parent. One time I remember he said he was hurt that he could tell I withdrew from him, and the family. That he has felt for a long time that he was loosing me more and more. That he has felt not good enough in my eyes, but he has understood by the way he has behaved he has made me feel not good enough either. He says he took so much for granted, that he always thought we would stick no matter what. That it was a rude wake up call, but he too had a feeling we were going in that direction. Strange thing is he has not felt as if he deserved loosing me, as he does good things too, and he was angry.

I still get nervous and do not like the idea of being around one of his parents as it has behaved the way it has towards me in the past and my luv being blind, deaf to it or not realizing just what a big problem it has been. I've felt all alone in this, especially as the two of them are alike in some ways, and he of course loves that parent too.

It is hard sometimes for me to go against my fear but I have learned I simply have to.

What the psychopath-boyfriend I had in the past and these other superficial power threats use (such as money, looks-status...) as a way to bully, frighten you - that I have to fight.

I do believe this thing with the looks.... it is returning and returning....When I was dating one hot stud before I met my luv, he who was suppose to be intellectual but his vanity took charge, - I think I felt so safe after that experience because when others would compliment on my luv's good looks, and beleive me they would, it sort of gave me the impression still that they thought he was better looking than I was, and I did not mind that. I knew I did not take him for his looks, because if I was all about looks - going after that in a guy - I would have continued to date the hot stud, as long as he had wanted that is, maybe he would not have wanted either further down the road.

For years too - I was never jealous of my luv until we had one period of it and that was bad and that was when I thought of not continuing the relationship, and he was very sad then too and then trying for us to ride out the storm. I got over my jealousy then, but mostly it was not jealousy but a feeling of betrayal, that he had promised me something and then broken it, in many eyes it was not cheating, but it still left me with a similar feeling, before that I always trusted him, always.

His ex - real beauty, really. I remember first time I saw her, I thought My God what have I done to deserve this? I instantly thought she is so beautiful, she is way better looking than I am - then again I have always thought it was sort of difficult for me, being so used to my own looks, to tell how I look really. I mean I get that I might look different to other people depending on what type they fall for, have, what beauty really is. That it can be different. I know someones type is not another ones and I guess maybe as I know that I don't put so much energy into thinking one look is superior to the other.

I must have had some insecurity in me back then as I saw my luv's beautiful ex. That and him never or hardly ever saying anything good about my looks, but being always very quick to "correct me", gave me the feeling that he must be more into my personality (he has said he has never enjoyed another person's company more than mine, that he thinks I'm funny, and that he just felt he could relax completely with me before). I think at some level it must have still effected me in some way, even if I have fought hard for it not too. Maybe there is a lesson in that.

And now still - I have to be made fun of because of my weight. To other people, at work for instance, if I am to say I have to watch what I eat they don't know what I am talking about as I look normal to them, and I don't think they are just saying that. So to even be bullied, made fun of or be controlled what I eat or not by my luv or by his parent for instance - that 's just crazy! But even if I was overweight - still no body deserves to feel how they have made me feel.

I think the bad circle my luv has always been into is that he gets periods where he does his crazy diets and then he goes back to either what is normal to him, and then he panics again and gets on a crazy diet, instead of just taking it nice and slow, eat more healthy, just my thoughts on the matter.

I get nervous before if I have to see his family, well it isn't really his family, all members, but that one person who I know is the strongest in commenting my looks, always have been. Before the weight gain it was something else, and it is done so that everyone will hear it. And so one will be superior and another inferior, and somehow I always got the short end of the stick (not that I would have wanted someone else to have it either).

When I think back of the problems we have had that then escalated - it has been childish nonsense really, like not the things you would think would get to us the way it has.

I think too that I have difficulty moving forward, I know life is moving forward and we have decided to look ahead, and not back - but it is very easily triggered for me to go back - as it is only recently all of this - and I do not see that the problem is over with, I am still in a situation, even if he now has my back, where I am going very much potentially so in the future be commented in a negative way about my looks. I use to be a lot more stronger before and could fend it off but over time it got to me. That too I think is when you make someone feel inferior to you, it happens bit by bit, slowly, mixed in with all the other stuff - and I don't think it is so much about me having a vulnerability, but more so that this is something that is going to effect anyone over time.

I still don't have any good lines to say back when and if I am to be fun of that way, I know it is going to come again in the future, just know it. When I think about this I think why am I allowing myself to go through this? I need time to heal and not be around any of that poison. We are trying to heal and I just see it as an potential threat or interuption of that, and for me it is triggering and everything comes back again, I can't help it. My luv says these days that he feels very much ashamed about how he has allowed me to be treated and how he too has treated me but have asked me to please too remember the good stuff, and that he hasn't done everything bad, now has he, but that he thought, took for granted I knew how much he loved me. Somehow, and he would say this to me more than once, he had decided that he was never going to leave me, but that I was going to leave him. But to think that - and then still treat someone like that, push her down just a little, so she will not feel too good about herself - that is not love. I don't care what he says - it isn't love. Love is about making each other feel good about who we are and even better, not like that. I've been beaten down on (emotionally, not physically) over nothing, but at least there is karma in that - as it resulted in me not loving him the way I did before and withdrawing from him, but it has very much felt like bleeding love.

I have noticed that when I these days take on a different approach - which is actually to sink down to their levels - to reply back with the same type of coins, that it will shut them up. Before I always thought if I did that I was no better, but I have to say it works. I don't know if to recommend it or not as I do think it is stupid that I even have to do it that way for it to work and I'm really not about wanting to hurt nobody. It's been enough of that. But for instance, before when my luv would complain about me, something I wore, or my hair, or what it now was, - as I then did the same to him, he said it was the first time he felt very much aware of it and did not want me to look at him that way or make fun of him that way - he had to feel it. All his life nobody has told him a negative thing about his looks, maybe it was about time. Still I really do not like to do this. I noticed too I replied with the same type of coin that his other parent, that he is alike in some ways with the complaining of me, and that too made that person shut up. I have to mirror them for them to get it, then again what kind of role model will I be if to do that in front of a child? I'm in conflict about it, but one thing for sure - and that is that it works, but still it does not feel right. I'm still trying to find other ways, better ways, to do it, but it is too time I stick up for myself.

So sorry that I keep writing so much, LostSoul13.

Thank you very much for all your opinions and inputs :)

Last edited by asearcher : 14-01-2022 at 07:05 PM.
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