Why does my awareness constantly turn into a vision?

[Ewwerrin]

I try to place my awareness on my awareness. And it turns into a vision. I become aware of the vision, and return my awareness back to my awareness itself, and it turns into another new vision. Again and again. This happens endlessly and instantly. How come?

Is it impossible to become aware of my awareness? I recall that I have done it one time in my life, and found it profound, but I just don't remember how I did it. I succeeded on first try and then never again.

There is always something in my awareness that I am aware of. How can I become aware of just purely the awareness alone?

[Ewwerrin]

For example, right now I turn my awareness to my awareness and I get a vision of moving light. Then I return my awareness to my awareness again and I receive a vision of a darker tendril of light. And then I return my awareness from that back to my awareness again and I have a vision of pink light.

This can go on forever like this. Endless visions. Never the pure awareness. How come? It feels like endlessly folding into myself just to find another new vision. Which is not what I am looking for. Just looking to become purely and merely aware of my awareness itself. Without the visions that have got nothing to do with my awareness. right?

Am I doing something wrong?

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by Ewwerrin

Just looking to become purely and merely aware of my awareness itself.

Being aware of awareness suggests a separation between your point of reference and your centre of awareness.

What happens if you let go of trying to be aware of awareness and simply be awareness? Without trying to analyse and understand the nature of awareness.

Another way to consider this is to move your point of reference from your head to your heart. There is a small space of stillness in the chest area which is regarded as the seat of the Self. Rest in that space. The head tries to understand, the heart does not need to understand.

Peace

[Ewwerrin]

Originally Posted by iamthat

Being aware of ...
... to understand.
Peace

If I let go of trying to become aware of the absolute then I am aware of all the changes in the ever change of all changing inconsistent meaningless and confusing and chaotic things. Such as awareness of the heart or emotions, it is connected to all other hearts in this field of ever change. And it just leaves me confused and at the whim of ever change.

I am looking for a way to become stable and consistent in my identity. Not even my identity, because I have no identity. I am looking for A consistent identity. ANY consistent identity at all will do!

The center of my heart or chest or emotion, all these are ever changing and chaotic and dynamic and unidentifiable. Like everything else. I want a way out of this chaos. And into something that is unchanging. I say "I want it" as if I even know who I am! I just know that I don't like whoever or wherever I am, and it is constantly changing, but not to good things. I feel completely powerless to do anything about anything like this. I cannot even find a true real consistent center or identity.

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by Ewwerrin

The center of my heart or chest or emotion, all these are ever changing and chaotic and dynamic and unidentifiable. I want a way out of this chaos. And into something that is unchanging. ...I cannot even find a true real consistent center or identity.

The still small space in the centre of the chest is nothing to do with ever-changing emotional states. It is a place of stillness and peace.

I like the analogy of a wheel rotating around a central hub. The rotating wheel is movement and chaos. The central hub is unchanging stillness.

Do we identify with the rotating wheel? Or do we find the centre and rest there? If you cannot find a consistent centre then maybe you are too identified with the outer movement.

Peace

[Ewwerrin]

Originally Posted by iamthat

The still small..
... with the outer movement.
Peace

too identified with the outer movements? hahaha. Thats putting it softly.

I don't even know one unmoving thing that exists.

I think the problem is me. Literally, the me I believe exists is the problem. I don't even exist. I cannot solve this problem because there is no me to solve anything. I cannot even have a problem if the "me" doesn't even exist. It's not real. I am not real.

There never even has been a me. All those me's I believed existed are all illusion. An illusion cannot solve itself. it just has to be realised that there never was a me. And then there is freedom. For no one. Just boundless freedom. For no one. No individual. No seperation.

[Ewwerrin]

Originally Posted by iamthat

The still small...
... with the outer movement.
Peace

I wanted to thank you for your suggestion. It appears there has been a helpful truth to it I may not have understood at first. thank you.

[Maisy]

Originally Posted by Ewwerrin

I just know that I don't like whoever or wherever I am,

Guy Finley is good on subjects like that. He's a teacher on spiritual topics.

[Maisy]

Originally Posted by iamthat

There is a small space of stillness in the chest area which is regarded as the seat of the Self. Rest in that space.

My feeling is that I am in my head behind the eyes. Or even slightly in front of the physical eyes. Probably because sight is our strongest sense in a way. I don't think I could imagine myself as "looking" from the chest or heart area. "Being" way down there. Is there a religion or teacher or group that teaches the heart is the seat of the self? I've never heard of that before.

[Maisy]

I did a google search on it and found out that Ramana Maharshi said that the Heart is the seat of the Self but I read what he said and my take on it is he was talking about love, not the chest area or physical body or the heart organ. Just my take on it. Ramana also said the self in not in the physical body. Saw the phrase, "the heart of the universe" as well. That to me would mean divine love not a physical heart organ in the universe. I think it's funny in a way we associate love with the heart organ in our body that is a muscle that pumps blood. We also have the heart symbol that looks nothing like an actual heart. The heart symbol also symbolizes love in our culture.