The defense mechanism

[nailspiritseeker]

So a month ago I met an online friend of a couple years in Florida. I went down there seeking a nice peaceful relaxing time mainly for myself but was also looking forward to finally meeting him. Things were usually always platonic between us with maybe the occasional flirt. I went down there with no expectations of anything happen, but of course meeting someone off the Internet I was still nervous. However, I met him and was surprised to find out how well we balanced each other. Needless to say by the end of the trip I had fallen for him.

I didn't know how to control or how to read all my feelings at the time. Of course, I couldn't of been patient and given it even a moment of time. I went off on him practically right away after we parted, accusing him of takin advantage of me and so on. Weeks after that my emotions towards him were very high and low. I know it was the fear of wanting to be with him and the fear that he wouldn't want to be with me.

Now, it's a month later and were not talking. I accused him again one last time of taking advantage and that's the last straw he could take. As crazy as it sounds I did it on purpose. Call this a defense mechanism or what have you but I pushed him away on purpose. Words cannot describe the shame, guilt, blame, what have you. I'll never know what could of happened if I just wouldn't of been so quick to give in to my fear. I pray that someday I can make amends with him, but I'm trying very hard to listen to myself and wait for when time is ready.

Anyway, I really have been needing to vent about this outside of my usual circle. I got a reading done the other day and I didn't ask about him but I now wish I would have. Oh well. Thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read this!

Hi! NSS, I tried and used online dating in the past and what I can tell you is that most people out there have enumerable considered special friends/potential mates out there especially if you are talking about a fairly good looking one - so, more likely, you are not the only one, convenient it maybe. I don't bother anymore - last time I was chatting was when I was absolutely bored and had nothing else better to do, knowing what to expect.
Do not take him too seriously, rather just as a friendly aquaintance. Save those chances for flirting when you finally get into a date.
After going off on him practically right away after you parted, accusing him of taking advantage and so on - cannot be undone especially with somebody you haven't known that long.
Move on, especially if you do not even live closeby enough or aren't seeing each other that much everyday.

We all make mistakes. Live and learn. You at least acknowledge where you were in the wrong which is good, but maybe it was a bit much putting expectations on someone you just met in another state. The only thing you can do from this point forward is apologize if you know you have hurt this person. The rest is pretty much up to them.